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  • Let's talk about Toronto, because tomorrow morning

  • they will choose a new mayor.

  • Now sadly, sadly, current mayor, Rob Ford, everyone's favorite walking

  • beefsteak tomato, is not running for reelection.

  • But don't despair, for there is another.

  • Rob Ford has a brother, Doug Ford, who is running for mayor.

  • And if you are wondering how alike they are, please enjoy this

  • little clip.

  • (Playground noises)

  • TOM: I gotcha. DOUG: I know.

  • NEWSCASTER: The funny thing is, like all typical siblings,

  • the goal is when you're on a seesaw to jack your sibling off.

  • NEWSCASTER: Totally.

  • OLIVER: You know what? You know what?

  • You laugh, but he's right.

  • On a seesaw, you really want to jack your sibling off.

  • You want to do anything to get him off, beat him,

  • beat him off that seesaw.

  • Make him come right down to the ground because you beat him off

  • so hard, on that seesaw.

  • But, but look, now, to become mayor, Doug Ford has had some tricky

  • political obstacles to overcome.

  • For instance, his brother has allegedly used anti-Semitic language

  • in the past, and Doug was asked about that in a debate at a Jewish

  • high school in Toronto.

  • I'm going to play you the first few seconds of his response.

  • DOUG FORD: You know something? My, my doctor, my Jewish doctor,

  • my Jewish dentist, my Jewish lawyer-- (Boos from audience)

  • DOUG FORD: --my Jewish, hold it, accountant.

  • OLIVER: Wait, why is everyone booing? I love Jews.

  • I love everything about you, the tiny hats, the big crackers

  • that you eat, your weird Christmas candles, I love it.

  • Why are you booing me?

  • Look, it wasn't the best response, sure, which is why after having a

  • night to sleep on it, Doug took a second crack at it.

  • DOUG FORD: The Ford family has an extensive relationship,

  • a great relationship with the Jewish community.

  • Matter of fact, my wife is Jewish.

  • OLIVER: Ooh. How about that? That is a convenient fact to have

  • remembered seemingly in the middle of your sentence.

  • Unfortunately, a local reporter then cast doubts on Doug's claim,

  • forcing Doug Ford to bring out his definitely Jewish wife to talk about

  • her definitely Jewish heritage, which went definitely

  • spectacularly well.

  • KARLA FORD: My mother's family has Jewish bloodlines.

  • I don't practice Judism. I never have.

  • OLIVER: So, listen, she doesn't practice Judism.

  • Hence, I guess, her use of the term Judism.

  • But, though her ancestors may or may not have been Judesque.

  • But, look, none of this matters because by that point Doug Ford had

  • moved on to his next scandal.

  • After being overheard allegedly referring to the journalist who'd

  • questioned his wife's Judism as a little bitch, a charge he then

  • spectacularly denied.

  • DOUG FORD: I was falsely accused from the Toronto Star.

  • I was having a private conversation, walking out with two staff members,

  • and I guess they just assumed I was talking about someone in that room.

  • It had nothing to do with anyone in that room last night whatsoever.

  • OLIVER: I was talking about a completely different little bitch

  • in a completely different room.

  • If I was talking about that little bitch, she'd know about it.

  • Are we done here? Why are you booing me?

  • Look, look, Toronto, I think I speak on behalf of the rest of the world

  • when I deliver you this message, please, please, elect this man.

  • Sure, sure, sure, his brother was fun, but at a certain point we felt

  • bad laughing at him, whereas Doug Ford doesn't have a drug problem.

  • He's just an asshole, a non-chemically assisted asshole.

  • So please, Toronto, I beg you, let us laugh at your asshole for

  • another four years. Yours sincerely,

  • everyone who does not live in Toronto.

  • Captioned by The Closed Captioning Project

Let's talk about Toronto, because tomorrow morning

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