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  • Now, here's another slogan you run into all the time.

  • "God bless America".

  • Once again, respectfully, I say to myself

  • What the fuck does that mean?

  • "God bless America"? Is that a request?

  • Is that a demand? Is that a suggestion?

  • Politicians say it at the end of every speech,

  • as if it was some kind of verbal tic

  • that they can't get rid of:

  • "God bless you and God bless America!"

  • "God bless you and God bless America!"

  • I guess they figured if they leave it out...

  • Somebody's gonna think they're bad Americans!

  • Let me tell you a little secret about God folks:

  • God does not give a flying fuck about America, okay?

  • He doesn't care. He never cared about this country.

  • He never has, he never will, he doesn't care about this country

  • any more than he cares about Mongolia, Transylvania,

  • Pittsburgh, the Suez Canal or the North Pole.

  • He simply doesn't care, okay. He doesn't care.

  • Listen, look, there are two hundred countries in the world now,

  • Do these people honestly think that God is sitting around

  • picking out his favorites?

  • Why would he do that? Why would God have a favorite country?

  • And why would it be America, out of all the countries?

  • Because we have the most money?

  • Because he likes our national anthem?

  • Maybe it's because he heard we have...

  • 18 delicious flavours of "Classic Rice-a-Roni".

  • It's delusional thinking and Americans are not alone

  • with these sort of delusions.

  • Military cemeteries around the world are packed

  • with brainwashed, dead soldiers

  • who were convinced God was on their side:

  • Americans pray for God to destroy our enemies.

  • Our enemies pray for God to destroy us.

  • Somebody's gonna be disappointed.

  • Somebody's wasting their fucking time...

  • Could it be...

  • Everyone?

  • Now...

  • [AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

  • If people wanna say: "God bless America!"

  • that's their business, I don't care

  • but here's what I don't understand:

  • If they say "God bless America!",

  • presumably, they believe in God...

  • And if they do, they must have heard...

  • "God loved everyone", that's what he said,

  • he loved everyone and he loved them equally.

  • So why would these people ask God

  • to do something that went against his own teachings?

  • You know what these "God bless America" people ought to do?

  • They ought to check with their Jesus fella they're so crazy about.

  • They're always talking about "What would Jesus do...

  • What would Jesus do?"

  • They don't wanna know so they can do it, they just wanna know

  • so they can tell other people to do it.

  • Well, I'll tell you what Jesus would have done.

  • I'll tell you what Jesus would have done,

  • he would have gone up to the top

  • of the Empire state building and said:

  • "God bless everyone around the world forever and ever,

  • until the end of time".

  • That's what Jesus would have done, and that's

  • what these people should do or else they should admit

  • that "God bless America" is really just some sort of an

  • empty slogan with no real meaning except for something vague like..

  • "Good luck!"

  • "Good luck, America... You're on your own!"

  • ... Which is a little bit closer to the truth!

  • Here's a civic custom that I don't understand - maybe you can help me -

  • Taking off your hat when a flag passes by,

  • or when some jackoff at the ballpark starts

  • singing the national anthem.

  • They tell you to take off your hat.

  • What the fuck does a hat have to do with being patriotic.

  • What possible relationship exists between the uncovered head,

  • and a feeling that ought to live in your heart.

  • Suppose you have a red, white and blue hat!

  • Suppose you have a hat made out of a flag!

  • Why would you take it off to honor the flag?

  • Wouldn't you leave it on?

  • And point it toward the flag!

  • [AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

  • And, what's so bad about hats that you have to take 'em off?

  • Why not take off your pants?!

  • Or your shoes! They tell you that at the airport.

  • They say: "Take off your shoes!"

  • They tell you it's a national security.

  • So taking off your shoes could be patriotic too!

  • I started to question all this stupid hat-shit

  • when I was a kid. When I was a kid I was Catholic.

  • At least until I reached the age of reason, okay.

  • So, I was a Catholic for about two, two and a half years..

  • Something like that.

  • And during that time, one of the things the told us was

  • that if a boy or a man entered a church,

  • he had to remove his hat in order to honor the presence of God

  • But, they already told me that God was everywhere!

  • So I used to wonder: "Well if God is everywhere...

  • Why would you even own a hat? Why not show your respect...

  • Don't even buy a fucking hat!"

  • And just to confuse things further..

  • They told the women exactly the opposite!

  • Catholic women and girls had to cover their heads

  • when they went into church.

  • Same as in certain temples, Jewish men have to cover their heads.

  • In those same temples Jewish women not allowed to cover their heads.

  • So try to figure this shit out:

  • Catholic men and Jewish women: no hats!

  • Catholic-- Catholic women and Jewish men: hats!

  • Somebody's got the whole thing totally fucking backwards,

  • don't you think?

  • [AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

  • And what is this religious fascination with headgear?!

  • Every religion's got a different fucking hat!

  • Do you ever notice that?

  • The Hindus have a turban,

  • The Sikhs have a tall white turban..

  • The Jews have a Yarmulke,

  • Muslims have the Keffiyeh,

  • The bishop has a pointy hat on one day

  • and a round hat on another day,

  • Cardinal has a red hat,

  • Pope has a white-- Everyone's got a fucking hat!

  • One group takes 'em off, other group puts 'em on!

  • Personally I would never want to be a member

  • of any group, where you either have to wear a hat,

  • or you can't wear a hat.

  • I think--

  • [AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

  • I think all religions should have one rule

  • and one rule only: hats optional!

  • That's all you need to run a really good religion.

  • Here's another one of these civic customs:

  • Swearing on the Bible. You understand that shit?

  • They tell you to raise your right hand,

  • place your left hand on the Bible.

  • Does this stuff really matter? Which hand?

  • Does God really give a fuck about details like this?

  • Suppose you put your right hand on the bible and

  • raise your left hand. Would that count?

  • Or would God say: "Sorry, wrong hand! Try again!"

  • And why does one hand have to be raised?

  • What is the magic in this gesture?

  • This seems like some sort of a primitive Voodoo-Mojo shtick.

  • Why not put your left hand on the Bible,

  • let your right hand hang down by your side.

  • It's more natural! Or put it in your pocket!

  • Remember what your mother used to say:

  • "Don't put your hands in your pocketss!"

  • Does she know something we don't know?

  • Is this hand shit really important?

  • Let's get back to the Bible:

  • America's favorite national theatrical prop.

  • Suppose the Bible they hand you to swear on is upside down.

  • Or backward! Or both!

  • And you swear to tell the truth on

  • an upside down, backward Bible!

  • Would that count?

  • Suppose... The Bible they hand you is an old Bible

  • and half the pages are missing!

  • Suppose all they have is a Chinese Bible..

  • - In an American court. -

  • Or a Braille Bible and you're not blind!

  • Suppose they hand you an upside down, backward,

  • Chinese, Braille Bible with half the pages missing.

  • [AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND LAUGHING]

  • At what point does all of this stuff break down

  • and become just a lot of stupid shit that somebody made up.

  • They fucking made it up folks! It's make-believe!

  • It's make-believe!