Your mum's name was Sarah.

And you used to wear her clothes and make-up.

He doesn't remember me. He's confused. It's classic amnesia.

Buck, people who think you're still an asshole are coming.

And they're not planning on taking you alive.

Just once I'd like to meet a SWAT team who'll take me as I am!

Better jump off a building and save them the trouble!

Captain, while a great many people see you as a hero,

there are some who prefer the word "heartbreaker".

- Myself included. - Ew.

Just complete and sign this 470-page document

confessing your crimes, Captain Cock-tease.

I know how much that amputated emo means to you.

Stay out of this one.

C'mon, Tash. I thought we had a thing, you and I.

Steve, my porn name is "Black Widow" for a reason.

Captain. You seem a little defensive.

It's probably the shield.

If we can't accept limitations...

We're no better than the bad guys.

That's not the way I see it.

Sometimes I want to punch you in your perfect teeth.

Hey!

Guess this was one of those times.

You know what's about to happen.

Whoa!

Do you really want to punch your way out of this?

I would never punch a smoking hot babe.

Maybe I can spank my way out of it?

Aaargh! I deserved that!

And I want my own action figure, damn it.

Check it out - it's Black Panther.

- And Pink Panther. - Allo!

- What do we do? - We fight.

Yeah, I'm here to fight. I'm just asking if you have some kind of strategy in mi--

AAAARGH!

Oh shit! He's got claws, man!

Sir, please let go of the helicopter.

It does not belong to you.

Sorry, Tony.

You know I wouldn't do this if I had any other choice.

But he's my friend.

So was I.

Jarvis, unfriend Captain America.

- Right away, sir. - Hurts, doesn't it?

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Wait wait wait! Two against one is totally unfair.

That's better. OK, come at me, "First Avenger".

What?

[IRON MAN] OK, we're choosing teams for Civil War, and I choose my BFF, War Machine.

[WAR MACHINE] Bad boys for live, huh Tony?

[CAPTAIN AMERICA] Damn it! I was gonna choose War Machine.

Fine. Well, then I guess I have to choose my friend, Falcon.

- [FALCON] Thanks man. I appreciate it. - [CAP] Oh shut up! All you can do is fly.

Vision can fly, but he's also got kick-ass powers.

- [IRON MAN] I choose Vision. - [CAP] Damn it! That was gonna be my next pick.

[VISION] Thank you for your confidence, sirs.

[CAP] Alright, well I choose Scarlet Witch. Yeah? You wanna talk about powers?

[SCARLET WITCH] Da. You have chosen well, Mr Rogers.

[CAP] I... prefer to be called "Captain".

[SCARLET WITCH] But I do not practice violence against humans.

- [CAP] What? - [SW] Ever since my parents were killed--

[CAP] Oh, screw your parents! We gotta win this bitch!

- [IRON MAN] I choose Spider-man. - [CAP] What? I didn't even SEE Spider-man!