Nothing exciting ever happens- OH MY GOD, I JUST GOT TRANSPORTED TO A FANTASY WORLD AND I'M NOT EVEN GONNA QUESTION IT

THIS IS AMAZING!

I'M GONNA HAVE THE GREATEST TIME EVER!

Subaru: Oh my God! They have Irishmen here!

Kadomon: Buy this fuckin' apple!

Subaru: Oh my God! They have naked furries here!

Oh my God! They have generic thugs about to beat me up here!

Thug: Give us your fuckin' money!

FUCK.

Best Girl (not really): Main love interest incoming! Hi, I'm Emi-

Subaru: I'm in love with you.

White Hair Elf Girl: Uh, what? We literally just met five minutes ago-

Subaru: Will you be my waifu?

Emilia: What the hell is a wai-

Subaru: Shhh, it's already done.

Emilia: I'm looking for my insignia.

Subaru: I think I saw it here- Oh, god, I'm dead.

Kadomon: Buy this fuckin' apple!

Did I just not die when I got killed???

Satella- uh, Emilia: That's strange, I've never met you before but I feel I have..

Do you ever get that feeling of deja vü?

Subaru: Shut up, Tracer.

OH, GOD, I'M DEAD.

Kadomon: BUY THIS FUCKIN' APPLE.

Subaru: Okay, I keep dying and waking up in front of this guy, so that means..

Narrator: Yeeeeeeeees?

Subaru: That I have the ability to...

Narrator: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees?

>le gasp of realization

Narrator: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES?!

Subaru: *groans of pain*

Nope, still can't figure it out.

Narrator: Oh, for fuck's- YOU CAN RETURN TO A VERY SPECIFIC POINT IN TIME, EVERY TIME YOU DIE.

>mfw i realize i don't die when i'm killed

Subaru: I can return to a very specific point in time every time I die!

Narrator: THANK YOU!

Subaru: Thanks, Mr Save Point Guy!

Save Point Guy: Actually, my name's-

Subaru: MR SAVE POINT GUY!

I'll trade you the insignia for this phone.

Discount Shrek: Who the hell uses flip-phones anymore?

Subaru: Haha, shut the FUCK UP.

Fem Jeff the Killer: You can have the insignia over my dead, sexy body!

Boner-kun: She *is* pretty sexy, y'know.

Subaru: Shut up, boner, now's not the time!

Well, it's a good thing I've got a swordsman!

>expuroshion

Subaru: You said you were a swordsman, not a suicide bomber!

Reinhardt: What's the difference?

Elsa: Mark my words, you'll definitely see me again!

And we'll never see her again!

Ram: We're twins who everyone thought we were lesbians at first.

Best Girl: Yes, we're so in sync-

Ram: We can finish eachother's-

Best Girl: Banana.

Ram: Dammit, Rem.

Subaru: So what's the real difference between the two of you?

Ram: Nobody really gives a shit about me. ;_;

Lemme be your butler, please please PLEAAAAAAASE!

You can if you take a bath with the creepy-looking pale guy who owns this mansion.

Not-Michael Jackson: Hee, hee!

No deal!

Subaru (thinking): Well, this doesn't seem so bad, I can get used to being a butler-

OH GOD, WHY'RE YOU KILLING ME?!

Best Girl?: CUZ YOU SMELL LIKE SHIT

IS THAT REALLY A REASON TO KILL SOMEONE?!

**PTSD INTENSIFIES**

Ram: Are you okay? You look like you've seen a ghost.

Or a fuckin' psychopath, apparently.

Best Girl: Do you ever get that feeling of deja vü?

**TRACER-BASED PTSD INTENSIFIES**

No, I never get that

FUCKING

feeling of Day-Ja-Vuu!

But you're acting like-

NEVER.

Loli-tsun-child: There's a curse and we need to find the source.

Will this affect Emilia?

Look, you need to calm down with this Emilia obsession! If I said that Emilia told you to jump off a cliff, would you-

(dude wtf he actually did it)

I found the curse!

It was- it was the dog all along. Uh, I don't get it either.

Rem?

Yandere Best Girl: Mhm?

Smash.

REM SMASH! ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

(yandere giggling here)

Best Girl: We're cool now, yeah?

Subaru: Are you kidding me?! You killed me multiple times! Like, pretty fuckin' horribly!

People don't just forget that!

But I want your dick now 8===D

Yeah, we cool.

Emilia: Subaru, I'm about to go to a really big event full of really important people.

Dense fuck: Got it, really big event, important people.

Emilia: Yes, so whatever you do, don't come inside ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) and do anything you can to not embarrass me, got it?

Dense Fuck: Got it. Whatever I do, come inside ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) and do anything I can to embarrass you.

What?! That's the complete opposite of what I said!

Ey, ey, ey, fuckfaces, which one of you cocksuckers has been shit-talking my waifu, Emilia?!

OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE-

Old Guy #1: Silence! Royal candidates, introduce yourselves!

Princess Kawaii: I'm the cute one!

Soldier-Lady: I'm the cool one!

Queen Cunt: I'm hot as shit, but I'm also a massive cunt!

Obligatory Loli: I don't even know what I'm doing here.

Eyebrow Guy: I don't like Emilia.

HOW DARE YOU NOT LIKE EMILIA, YOU FUZZY BLUE-EYEBROWED FUCK?!

Eyebrow Guy: What did he just say about my eyebrows?

Look, if you all don't understand the greatness that is Emilia-

Emilia (thinking): Stawp.

Dense fuck: You can just stand there and listen to my top 100 reasons

why Emilia is a great gal!

STAAAHP!

Number #100, she has white hair-

I swear to God, once this ends, I'm gonna fucking kill him!

Emilia, Emilia, Emilia. If you're so bloody obsessed with her, why don't you just marry her already?

MAYBE I WILL.

Emilia (in the background): I did not agree to that!

Yes you did.

Sudden Purple Hair Knight: Enough of this farce!

You're blatantly white knighting this girl in front of

LITERALLY HUNDREDS OF WHITE KNIGHTS.

Oh, yeah? Well.. your face is a white knight.

BOO-YAH!

What're you gonna do, take me outside and teach me a lesson-

(subaru suffering via wooden sword)

Yeah, you totally deserve that, you stupid asshole.

Subaru (thinking): I've had enough of this.

I need to tell her about my power,

even if it costs me my life, so be it!

At least for a second, she'll know my pain!

Emilia! I can Return by DE- (grunts)

Emilia: Erm, are you okay?

I can return to-

DAAAA- HAHAHA! (groaning in pain in the background)

Emilia: You want to Return to Denny's? Y-you're hungry? You want Denny's?

I can Return to DE-AAAAH, HAAAA!

You wanna go now? You wanna go get something to eat real quick?

What?! I'm just trying to help you!

You're being super rude right now!

I-I can't, I can't- (unintelligable mumbling, probs just random bullshit)

Emilia: Are you mocking me?!

Is that it? You think I'm stupid?!

(subaru srsly dude wtf have a snickers we can't understand you. also rapeface.)

FINE! If you wanna be such a massive dick about it, I'll just leave!

(fml)

Catgirl Trap: If you don't want Emilia, you can always have me ;)

Well hey, I didn't know the knights had hot catgirls, too.

Actually, I'm a boy.

No, you're fuckin' not.

No, really, I'm-

I said..

no

you're

fucking

not.

So, is the plot gonna kick in anytime soon?

Soldier-lady: Does suffering count as plot?

Subaru: No? QwQ

Too bad xD

SWEET JESUS

NOT THE LOLIS

WHY GOD

WHY IS THIS ANIME SO CRUEL

(actual reaction)

*gasp* I just had a horrible dream!

I was suffering, and there was a crazy guy who made Rem play Twister

AND THEN A WHALE ATE REM

Oh, God, Rem! Why do you keep doing this to Rem?

Ram: Uhhh, who's Rem?

(LSD foreshadowing music)

Are you fucking serious?

ARE WE REALLY DOING THIS RIGHT NOW-