Name: 【TED】Julie Lythcott-Haims: How to raise successful kids -- without over-parenting (How to raise successful kids -- without over-parenting | Julie Lythcott-Haims)
Uploaded: 2016-10-24T06:11:08.000Z
Duration: 14 min 17 s
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You know, I didn't set out to be a parenting expert.

Adverbs of degree

In fact, I'm not very interested in parenting, per Se.

It's just that there's a certain style of parenting these days

impeding their chances to develop into theirselves.

There's a certain style of parenting these days

we spend a lot of time being very concerned

about parents who aren't involved enough in the lives of their kids

there's a lot of harm going on there as well,

where parents feel a kid can't be successful

unless the parent is protecting and preventing at every turn

and hovering over every happening, and micromanaging every moment,

and steering their kid towards some small subset of colleges and careers.

because Lord knows, in raising my two teenagers,

our kids end up leading a kind of checklisted childhood.

And here's what the checklisted childhood looks like.

and then we want to be sure they go to the right schools,

that they're in the right classes at the right schools,

and that they get the right grades in the right classes in the right schools.

and not just the grades and scores, but the accolades and the awards

and the sports, the activities, the leadership.

We tell our kids, don't just join a club,

start a club, because colleges want to see that.

I mean, show the colleges you care about others.

And all of this is done to some hoped-for degree of perfection.

We expect our kids to perform at a level of perfection

we were never asked to perform at ourselves,

well then, of course we parents have to argue with every teacher

And then with our kids, our precious kids,

cajoling, hinting, helping, haggling, nagging as the case may be,

And here's what it feels like to be a kid in this checklisted childhood.

First of all, there's no time for free play.

because everything has to be enriching, we think.

It's as if every piece of homework, every quiz, every activity

is a make-or-break moment for this future we have in mind for them,

and we absolve them of helping out around the house,

and we even absolve them of getting enough sleep

as long as they're checking off the items on their checklist.

And in the checklisted childhood, we say we just want them to be happy,

and offer clucking praise like a trainer at the Westminster Dog Show --

coaxing them to just jump a little higher and soar a little farther,

they don't say, "Well, what might I be interested in studying

"What do I need to do to get into the right college?"

And then, when the grades start to roll in in high school,

and say, "Has anyone ever gotten into the right college with these grades?"

regardless of where they end up at the end of high school,

wishing the grown-ups in their lives had said, "What you've done is enough,

this effort you've put forth in childhood is enough."

And they're withering now under high rates of anxiety and depression

will this life ever turn out to have been worth it?

【TED】Julie Lythcott-Haims: How to raise successful kids -- without over-parenting (How to raise successful kids -- without over-parenting | Julie Lythcott-Haims)

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【TED】Julie Lythcott-Haims: How to raise successful kids -- without over-parenting (How to raise successful kids -- without over-parenting | Julie Lythcott-Haims)

applause

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