Uh...

Anything interesting happen over the weekend?

Breaking news, a newly surfaced video of Donald Trump,

uh, talking about groping women.

The breaking news here on CNN, Donald Trump apologizing

for vulgar comments.

We have more breaking news now of Republicans turning

against Donald Trump.

Breaking news, Donald Trump just moments ago

in a hotel right here in the St. Louis area

appearing with four of Bill Clinton's accusers.

Breaking news right now, there are growing calls

for Trump to step down.

Breaking news on a Sunday night,

the debate showdown a short time from now...

-Crotch. -Vagina. -Pussy.

-Pussy! -Pussy. -Gucci pussy. -Pussy.

Goddamn!

(cheering and applause)

(whoops)

You know, I'll tell you this,

when the history of American politics is written,

it'll be divided into two distinct eras,

before pussy and after pussy.

Because, since Friday, nothing has been the same.

And no one saw this coming. At the end of last week,

we were all waiting for the debate on Sunday.

I remember, people were like, "Ooh, what's he gonna say

about his tax returns?"

And now we're in a completely different world.

It's almost as if we left work on Friday--

and we all know that we planned to have a little drink

on Sunday night-- but then around 5:00 p.m. on Friday,

the Trump train came into town with a giant keg of beer,

smashed it on our face, and we spent the rest of the weekend

drinking and (bleep)-faced. That's what happened to us.

And I know, I know that everyone has seen the video

of Trump on the bus already,

but I want us to be on the same page.

So, uh, we're gonna play it again

for our one Amish viewer

who only breaks his Amishness just to watch the show.

So this one's for you, Malachi.

REPORTER: The conversation was recorded on a hot microphone

in 2005 in an Access Hollywood bus.

(Tic Tacs clacking)

(Bush laughs)

(Bush laughs)

(groaning, laughter)

(mimics gagging)

Before we break down all of the disgusting comments

Trump made on Billy Bush's bang bus,

can we... can we just analyze "grab them by the pussy"?

Because, honestly, I thought about this hard and long,

I've never heard that phrase in my life.

What kind of person grabs the pussy?

That doesn't sound pleasurable for either party involved.

I don't get it. Do you not know ladies?

Like, may-maybe it's... maybe it's a tiny hands thing.

Maybe...

No, like, maybe, maybe he can't hold it

or caress it-- he needs to grab it.

Because, for Trump, it's like a baby holding a grapefruit.

He just...

You know, people, you... we have to admit this,

Trump has officially broken almost every record

of scumbaggery in politics.

Like, the rules don't even apply anymore.

Let's be honest, like, we couldn't have even imagined

that these feats would be taking place.

Trump's scandals right now

are like when the first black guy joined white sports.

You know, when everything was going on,

people were like, "I had no idea that was possible! Oh, my God!"

Oh, and-and, by the way, can we talk

about Billy Bush for a second?

Let's-let's talk about th-this sleazebag.

Uh, I understand, I understand

that everyone has been in the presence of an unsavory joke,

right? But there's a difference between laughing at the jokes

you don't agree with and being an active accomplice.

Because Billy Bush has said that he didn't agree with Trump--

he was under pressure and so he laughed with him.

Yeah, but that's not what it looked like

when you see what he did when they got off the bus.

Okay.

Here, wait, hold on.

(sighs)

Yeah.

Wow.

How do you fit that much sleaze into such a short video?

(laughter)

The "Two Girls, One Cup" girls are like,

"I would not want to switch places with her."

Trump just told Billy Bush how he forces himself on women,

and at the first opportunity,

Billy puts his pimp hat on and tries to make it happen?

This (bleep) was nuclear,

because Trump already had few Republicans against him,

but now, even those who had been with him

through his anti-Muslim, Mexican and black comments

said enough was enough,

because the Republicans have won the White House

without those groups,

but there's one group they can't do it without--

-the ladies! -(applause and cheering)

We have a 15-year-old daughter,

and if I can't look her in the eye...

I'm a father of three daughters, and I also cringe.

Jeb Bush-- now he tweeted,

"As the grandfather of two precious girls,

"I find that no apology can excuse away Donald Trump's

reprehensible comments degrading women."

Mitch McConnell. "These comments are repugnant

"and unacceptable in any circumstances.

As the father of three daughters..."

It's degrading to our women,

to our daughters, our granddaughters.

I love how they feel they need

to use the women in their families

to justify their outrage.

"As a father of two girls... "

"Well, what if you don't have any daughters?"

-"Well, as the son of a woman." -(laughter)

"What if you were just raised by two dads?"

"Oh, well, as a first cousin once removed of an aunt."

-(laughter) -"What if you don't have a family?"

"As someone who has visited the Statue of Liberty,

-which is a woman..." -(laughter)

The Trump tape shouldn't offend you on behalf of females.

It should offend you as a human being, right? And...

(applause and cheering)

And it turns out you don't even need

to be a human to be offended.

Tic Tac getting in on the responses to Trump's video.

Trump mentioned that brand of mints

in the video that surfaced Friday.

Tic Tac tweeted that they respect all women,

and find Trump's recently-revealed

statements and behavior

"completely inappropriate and unacceptable."

I'm sorry! I'm so sorry.

First of all, kudos to Tic Tac. Like, this is insane.

-(applause and cheering) -But you know...

You know your words are bad when even the candies,

whose only purpose is to help cover up

what comes out of your mouth, say they can't help you.

They're like, "That-- we can't even fix that, man.

Don't involve us. Don't involve us."

But here's the genius of the Trump campaign.

And this is what really pissed me off this weekend.

He gets caught on the tape boasting about sexual assault,

and then, they manage to spin it as something much different.

This was locker room talk.

That's what is said in a locker room.

He was talking about it with the boys amongst the bus,

um, like the locker room.

-I've heard much worse than that. -Really?

Much worse than that in locker rooms, uh, but-but...

-I don't know. That's a pretty... -Much worse.

-Believe me. -Really?

What locker rooms are you hanging out in?

(laughter, applause)

That's a great question.

What locker rooms is Ben Carson hanging out in?

-(laughter) -No. Think about this for a second.

You can't imagine Ben Carson in the gym

or participating in any sport that requires rapid movement.

-(laughter) -Why is he in a locker room?

There's no... Okay, okay. Oh, you know what?

Maybe, maybe he does tai chi. That makes sense.

-(laughter) -That makes sense.

Oh, and this might surprise you,

but he's actually the quickest one in the class.