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  • (clicking)

  • - (pops) Well, lookie here!

  • Looks like we got someone in the market

  • for a new pair of shoes, hmm?

  • - Oh, I just got them, so I'm not looking anymore.

  • - A guy who knows what he likes and takes it.

  • - I'm sorry, who are you?

  • - Oh, I'm just a door-to-door targeted

  • salesman and buddy, and I'm here to help.

  • - A targeted salesman?

  • - That's right.

  • I know your entire internet history,

  • your likes, your dislikes, your friends,

  • family, age, sex, location, where you've been,

  • where you're going, favorite websites,

  • and it's all to get you the stuff

  • you want when you want it!

  • - I just needed a new pair of shoes

  • and I got them, so thanks, but no thanks.

  • (whooshes)

  • How did you--

  • - Oh, I'm everywhere, and a good thing for you

  • and for your wallet.

  • Now, I don't show this to just anyone,

  • but I can tell you're a savvy customer,

  • so here is something that you

  • are guaranteed to like.

  • - Yeah, those are the shoes I just bought.

  • - I knew you'd like them.

  • - Yeah, but I just bought them,

  • so I don't need another pair.

  • - Ooh boy! You are one tough customer, you know that?

  • But that's alright.

  • You've got high standards, and I've got

  • the high quality goods to match.

  • So let me ask you this,

  • would you like a shirt that is designed

  • not to be tucked in, huh?

  • - No.

  • - Really?

  • - What about my search history

  • made you think I'd want that?

  • - You know what? Forget about it.

  • I'll bring it up later, okay?

  • - Please don't.

  • - Now, we have to talk Doc McStuffins.

  • How many Doc McStuffins toys

  • can I put you down for?

  • Eight? 10? 100? More?

  • What do you want?

  • - No, I don't like Doc McStuffin,

  • I was just looking for a gift for my niece.

  • - Oh, sure. Alright, I see what's going on here.

  • Now, if you decide you want some

  • Doc McStuffins toys for your niece,

  • you just come to me, okay, because I've got

  • all the Doc McStuffins merchandise.

  • McStuffins videos, McStuffins coloring books,

  • McStuffins pencils, I've got it all,

  • and I've got it all right here!

  • - Okay, no. Stop.

  • It was a one-time purchase.

  • - Now does that guy know I'd love to donate sperm.

  • - No, I don't know what I could have

  • possibly clicked on to make you think that!

  • - Okay, forget about it.

  • What you really need is a shirt

  • that's designed not to be tucked in, right?

  • - Goddammit.

  • - Or how about these shoes?

  • - I just got shoes.

  • - But these are a slightly different color.

  • - I don't need two pairs

  • of nearly identical shoes!

  • - Now, any of these products aren't relevant to you,

  • you just let me know, okay?

  • - None of them are relevant.

  • - Great, now I saw you click something

  • that makes me think you want 40,000

  • live ladybugs. (insects buzzing)

  • - I just clicked that link 'cause I thought

  • it was a funny thing on Amazon,

  • not because I'd ever want to buy them.

  • - Okay, but you did click it,

  • so you're kind of interested, right?

  • Is it the number that's the problem?

  • 'Cause we could do less,

  • maybe 20,000 live ladybugs? (buzzing)

  • - For something that's supposed

  • to know me so well, you do a really shitty job.

  • - Do you need to refinance your student loans?

  • (sighs)

  • I saw you were on Zillow. Do you need a mortgage?

  • (groans angrily)

  • I could save you money on the LSAT!

  • - I don't want to be a lawyer!

  • - Well, at least let me show you

  • some baby clothes I know you'll love.

  • - I don't need 'em.

  • My girlfriend's not pregnant, so.

  • - Oh, she didn't tell, oh. Oh.

  • - Oh fuck.

  • - Well, how about a shirt you don't have to tuck in?

  • Hi, it's Mike Trapp from CollegeHumor.

  • Click here to subscribe.

  • Click here for more fun things,

  • and send help to keep me from sinking.

  • Please. Please help.

  • Please help.

(clicking)

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