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  • [Love Will Have Its Sacrifices opening theme]

  • [GroovyLife with Lauraintro]

  • Hello and welcome to my- complete absence of viewers.

  • Today onLife with Laurait’s your guide to life in the Silas University library.

  • Should you find yourself spending your summer vacation inside a sentient library

  • the first thing to do is to figure out if the architecture-slash-life-form

  • that you're dewelling in is full on Amityville Horror evil or just kind of a capricious dink.

  • One clue may be the way that it treats cranky nigh-invulnerable vampires.

  • [Ocean waves and fishy noises]

  • [Water dripping]

  • [Animal growling]

  • [Pounding on door]

  • [Books thudding on the floor]

  • As opposed to tiny, broken-hearted college girls who might befor perfectly valid

  • reasons- sort of kind ofwallowing over past mistakes.

  • Oh!

  • [Book thudding on cranky vampire’s head]

  • Not that the wallowing has continued.

  • Nothing like two months hiding in the stacks because the library’s the only place that

  • youre safe from the ancient evil who played you for a chump to put things in perspective.

  • Which brings us to cuisine!

  • A crucial skill, when your sole food source is vending machines, is creativity.

  • Need a smoothie?

  • How about a nozzle coffee and granola-bar whip-up?

  • Perfect camp dinner?

  • How about a beef-jerky casserole?

  • Craving a salad?

  • So am I!

  • Of course, there is the option to eat out.

  • Really, really far out.

  • See, near as LaF’s been able to figure, the library contains- well- everything and

  • so any one space, like this room, can connect to anywhere else.

  • Which means that when you open a door maybe you get a hallway, or maybe you get an undersea

  • world filled with really angry shrimp.

  • The good news is that LaF’s been able to crack the code for Howl’s Moving Library.

  • Well, at least one part of it.

  • Three to the left for the central fountain.

  • [Three knocks]

  • [Fountain-like noises]

  • Laura: Woah!

  • Two right for Snowy Uberwald.

  • [Two knocks]

  • [Cold and wintery whooshing]

  • Uh, five to the right?

  • [Five knocks]

  • [FIRE!]

  • Is a live volcano! Five is a live volcano!

  • Oh but I do have this really cool one.

  • Two up. Two down.

  • Cyberpunk dystopia.

  • With that nailed there’s nothing left to fear.

  • Except for Fear Herself.

  • You may remember that we lost track of Perry and J.P. after I- After Corvae stormed HQ?

  • Well despite the fact that all off-campus communication has been shut down by a firewall

  • even LaF can’t breach we did start to get some transmissions.

  • [Silas University intro]

  • Good morning, students of Silas.

  • I know many of you are still recovering from the- unfortunate events of last semester.

  • And my altered state might be- shocking.

  • But let me assure you my struggling dears, your Dean will never give you up.

  • With the generous sponsorship of our friends at Corvae, Silas will rise again.

  • And no one, no matter what dank little hole theyre currently hiding in, will interfere

  • with our glorious unearthing.

  • Of knowledge.

  • See you in class my dears.

  • Oh you mother-[bleep] dried-up, saggy-[bleep]

  • wench of a woman masquerading as a [bleep] sadistic, narcissistic piece of [bleep].

  • It wasn’t- she can’t have just possessed Perry can she?

  • Oh no it’s worse than that.

  • Think about it, Raggedy Ann was acting dodgy all semester.

  • No. I would have seen something. I would have noticed.

  • Oh yeahcause you weren’t too busy ignoring your kidnapping trauma and resurrecting your

  • digital pet into a dead vampire?

  • That had nothing to do with Perry.

  • When could it even have happened?

  • She was with us the whole time it would have had to have been-

  • Right from the moment she walked in here dripping blood.

  • I should have seen it. So perfectly her.

  • How do you breach a wall? Not with a battering ram.

  • You give them a helpless girl and let them invite their doom right in.

  • Months. Perry’s been gone for months?

  • After that long could she still be alive in there?

  • Well that’s the least of our problems.

  • You heard her. She’s never going to let us free.

  • No matter how far we run or where we hide.

  • But were safe in here.

  • Were you not paying any attention last semester?

  • Nobody is safe anywhere. Shell find a way sooner or later.

  • Shell crush us like bugs. She always does this.

  • There’s no running, there’s no hiding, there’s no safe until she’s dead.

  • Carm.

  • Yup! You thought living with your ex was awkward?

  • Try being trapped with said ex in a magical library after you got her sister killed and then

  • sacrificed your school and your friends and your morals to save her life.

  • And she still hasn’t followed me back on Twitter.

  • And yeah I know I’m supposed to come up with some brave new plan to stop Corvae instead

  • of letting Carm go all Lizzie Borden on her mother it’s just- I’m not saying I’m pro-evil now.

  • If I see someone kicking a puppy I won’t be allYay! Go about your puppy-kicking business unhindered!”

  • It’s just...

  • Maybe I’m not the girl to pick a fight with some ancient fiend I could never beat anyway.

  • But what am I talking about?

  • This is a lifestyle show and you don’t exist soentertainment!

  • When youre trapped inside for two months cabin fever is a factor.

  • Try learning a new skill.

  • Like learning to play the Harry Potter theme on water glasses.

  • [Rumbling]

  • Why does this always happen?

[Love Will Have Its Sacrifices opening theme]

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