Tony Robbins & Marie Forleo: What It Takes To Have an Extraordinary Life

Subtitles section Play video

In this episode of MarieTV we do have some adult language, so if you have little ones
around grab your headphones now.
Hey, it’s Marie Forleo and you are watching MarieTV, the place to be to create a business
and life you love. Now, a few months ago I heard about an acclaimed filmmaker making
a documentary about someone who I love and admire and respect. So if you are someone
who’s hungry to make your life as extraordinary as possible, this show is for you.
Toby Robbins is an entrepreneur, best selling author, philanthropist, and the US’s number
one life and business strategist. Author of 5 internationally bestselling books, Tony
has empowered more than 50 million people from a hundred countries through his audio,
video, and life training programs. He’s the subject of the feature documentary film:
Tony Robbins: I Am Not Your Guru, that goes behind the scenes of his seminar Date with
Destiny to give an insider look at how one man can affect millions.
Tony, thank you so much for coming back on the show.
My pleasure, great to see you again.
Yes. So I loved the film. It was extraordinary. It brought me back to my experience at Date
with Destiny a few years ago. So I wanna ask you, I know you weren’t an instant yes to…
No, I was not.
...having this film happen and it took quite a bit of time for you to agree to that. First,
why did you say yes? What made you switch? And what are you hoping that people take away
from this film?
Those are good questions. Well, the man who approached me on it is Joe Berlinger, who’s,
you know, one of the most award winning documentarians. Like, 7 Emmys, 2 Academy Award nominations,
2 Peabody Awards. And I met him and I’d seen the documentary he did of… the Metallica
documentary, I don't know if you’ve seen it. Have you seen that one?
I haven’t seen it.
It’s brilliant. You see these metal guys that are now coming of age and they’re trying
to figure out how to navigate from where they are to where they really want to be and their
relationships and it’s just brilliantly done. So I met him socially. A mutual friend
of ours who created Billions introduced us. And I just…
You mean the show?
Yeah, the show Billions.
I love that show.
Well, do you know Maggie, the coach there?
Yes.
I’ve… she came to me, interviewed me, and that’s based on me. Not the sex scenes.
Amazing.
Not the dominatrix, but the rest of it. It’s almost word for word stuff that I’ve done
with the hedge fund guys that I manage. It’s kind of fun. But, anyway, he introduced me,
we met, and I just felt… Joe was, I think, 50 at the time, having a 50th birthday. And,
you know, I know people and I could just sense here’s this guy that’s done everything
including save 3 people’s lives who were on death row who were innocent. I mean, he
spent 2 decades to do it. I just loved his integrity and I think, you know, I’m 6’7”
he’s like, you know… I don't know, 5’6” probably. You know, he’s Jewish, I’m not.
He’s by his own description the most negative human being, cynical because he’s dealt
with the worst part of life for so long. New Yorker. You know, I’m probably not. But
what we had in common was this absolute commitment to seeking out and finding the truth and bringing
that truth to people. And he’s done it through the medium of documentaries and I’ve done
it through my medium. So I invited him to come to the seminar, because I just wanted
to help him. I didn't have any intention other than that. And he… the first day he wanted
to run, the first hour, because he heard all this music and people so happy it’s like
this is not me. You know, and he’s freaking out. I guess he called his wife is what he
told me later and said, “How do I get out of here without pissing Tony Robbins off?
He’s been so nice to me and brought me out here. I really like him, but I can’t handle
this.” And she said, “Honey, stick around for a few more hours.” And a few hours later,
then by the next morning he was completely… he had an experience that had transformed
him. He said that he had had a lot of challenges in his childhood and I did a process that
for everybody is very powerful, but for him he woke up and opened his eyes after this
process, just tears pouring out like he’d never felt in his life and he felt this huge
burden come out of him and he said, “If this could happen, I’m in for the 6 days.
You know, I’ve never experienced anything like this.” So he then approached me afterwards,
thanked me profusely, and said changed his life but how about we make this a documentary.
And he just assumed I’m gonna go, “Heck yeah, bring the cameras.” And I was like,
“Joe, I really respect you but,” I said, “it’s not the right venue.” Because
you know… you know, you’ve been there. We have cameras but it’s for projections,
so, you know, it’s way back here. A documentary has got the camera, you know, up here while
you're changing your life. I was like… I said it’ll be too disruptive. And plus I
couldn’t imagine how you could take 6 days of 12, 14, 18 hour days and convert that into
less than 2 hours and have it have integrity and really have the spirit of it and actually
teach somebody something and give them an experience. But there’s a reason he’s
got all those incredible awards. He’s just a genius. So he worked on me for 2 years.
About every 2, 3 months he’d come work on me again and I said, “Joe, I love you. I
respect you. But no.” And then he finally came up with a great strategy. He said, “How
about I’ll come in, I’ll film it, and if at any time during filming it is really
disruptive, you end it, I walk away, it’s my responsibility, no burden on you.” And
I said, “You’re willing to take that risk, I’m in.” And he was brilliant. The cameras
disappeared and people were transformed and I’m grateful. Second question you asked
I guess was what do I hope comes out of the film?
Yeah.
I know what comes out of the film because it’s been in 16 film festivals and I’ve
gone to a bunch of them and… to watch people, to feel people, to see what they’re experiencing.
And what I love is, you know, people that are my fans will love it if it’s black and
white and, you know, and I give a few messages, but… and people, the haters are gonna hate,
like…
Always.
Like what’s her name says, you know, the singer says. But that middle group, which
is most of the world that thinks they know what I do but really don't, they’ve been
so deeply moved because when you go to a great film, you know, you become the character to
some extent. You feel what the character feels. And by doing that, just like when you’re
at the event, you’ve experienced these changes in yourself. And then what my real goal is
is, you know, instead of just witnessing and feeling it, is people get the insights that
cause them to see that, you know, I don't have to settle. I don't have to tolerate that
life I have even if it’s good. I want great and I want magnificent, I want outstanding
and I can do it. And getting people to think about what do I want for my life today? Not
10 years ago what I thought I wanted. Today. And how do we make that happen? And I think,
you know, most people we believe that change takes forever and if it does happen fast it
won’t last. And that’s true most of the time, but when you actually change the priorities
of your nervous system, when you rewire yourself day in, day out, you know, 5, 6 days in a
row and the environments we create, it lasts. You get huge changes. You know it from your
own experience.
Yeah.
But most people don't know it. So when you now witness these changes and there’s people
in this film, as you know, that are in dire straits. And we have people there that are
the most successful in the world and they… they sold their company for 200 million dollars
and they’re bored and they’re looking, what’s the next step? And you’ve got people
there that are suicidal because in a room of 2,500 people there’s always on average
in any room of that size, there’s about a half dozen or a dozen people who are suicidal.
So you see these people change, you witness it, you experience it, you’re inspired by
it, and… last night we had a screening on a rooftop area with it. They do it in a part
of the city here, where there’s 850 people there and people got up afterwards and shared
and they were all so moving. There was one women that had cancer and she said she felt
like she was giving up and she said, “I’ve been crying the whole film. This is giving
me the answer. I know what I’m gonna do,” and it just… it’s inspiring to see that.
So normally I have to get up and work 50 or 80 or 100 hours to do that. Here, you know,
it could be happening now because of Netflix starting on Friday in 190 countries translated
around the world and it’s just a great privilege.
It’s awesome. I’m so… and that’s why I was so…
What’d you think of the film?
I loved it. So I got a chance to watch it while I was just away on vacation in Sicily
and…
You took a vacation?
I took a 2 week vacation.
I’m impressed, girl.
I’m super…
The workaholic took a vacation, ladies and gentlemen. I think that’s an endorsement
for taking care of yourself.
This… it’s a new habit. And I’m, like, totally with it.
That’s awesome.
And Josh and I actually watched it together in bed in Salina…
Ooh.
And we were both like… we loved every minute of it. And in one of the opening scenes there’s
a gentleman that stands up, young man.
Suicidal, yeah.
Who was suicidal and, like, your heart stops when you see that. And so I would love to
just take a look at that clip right now. Let’s have a look.
Oh, awesome. ----------
Why were you suicidal?
It’s because I can feel very big states in life but I can go so deep that I don't
see a way out. And I’m looking for a way to… to get out of my body or to hate myself
or to… I can’t explain it deep and I don't find a way out.
What makes you hate yourself? Is it the red shoes?
What?
Is it the red shoes?
No.
Are you sure? Because they’re fuckin’ red. Don’t you be smiling like that, you’ll
fuck everything up. If you smile like that too much you’ll wanna stick around. You’ve
been so hard on yourself. I love that you have such high standards, but those aren’t
high standards, that’s called perfection. And most people overestimate what they can
do in a year and they underestimate what they can do in 2 or 3 decades. And you haven’t
been around long enough to have those extra 2 or 3 decades. So don't fuck it up. There’s
time. And if you’ll give yourself just a little bit of time and if you’ll be a little
more loving to yourself, I think you’re going to find you’ve got a lot to give.
I can fucking feel it. And I know fucking people. And you know I do. That’s right.
Thank you.
And I know you right now. You feel me?
Yes, I do.
So you and I are gonna make a deal. I’m gonna show you what to do to reshape yourself.
That would be nice.
And we’re gonna make it so you can enjoy yourself.
Are you sure?
Not just when you’re jerking off, other times too. And what you’re gonna do is you’re
gonna remember as long as you live that I don't fucking bullshit. And you’ve seen
it, haven’t you?
Yes.
Do I tell the fucking truth? Even when it’s painful? Even when it’s not sweet?
Yes.
I’m telling you the truth. You’ve just fucking begun and you’re not gonna fuck
it up. You’re gonna take the time to fully develop and you’re going to find a way to
enjoy a little bit along the way. There you go. Do you feel that?
Yes.
What was that that just happened? What just happened there when these came down like that?
And you started breathing here too?
Start believing you and be open. ----------
So that was extremely powerful. I have 2 questions about it.
Yes.
First, I want to take you back decades to when you first started. You have such certainty
when you go and have an intervention with someone that you know you can change their
lives. I’m curious, when you first had someone stand up and say they were suicidal was it
in a private client situation, was it in a seminar? Take me back to what your psychology
was when you first had someone in this state?
Well, I learned when I was 17 or 18 I think it was, I went and learned a series of tools.
I learned Gestalt therapy, I learned Ericksonian hypnosis, I learned neurolinguistic programming.
And when I’d be in these classes I was obsessed because I want to know everything. So when
I was done with the class everybody else would go to dinner and I would sit in that class
for another 2 hours and write, rewrite everything that I heard that I thought was valuable,
like every distinction, every story, every strategy, and then I’d try to figure out
how to organize it in a way where I could use all of those strategies to help so it
wasn’t just information in my brain. And as a result of that, I was… I developed
skills other people didn't do because I did more. Right? And I kind of became the star
of the class because the teacher of the class, John Grinder, left one time and this person
went into this horrific phobic response that led to… you know, a phobic response is uncontrollable
response to a fear. And the facilitator who was there couldn't handle it. And I was there
first time student, I just stood up and I was like, “Move.” And I just took over.
And I did this work with this person and got them out of suicidal state and then cured
their phobia and as a result everybody was like, you know, jaws were dropping. “How’d
you do that?” It wasn’t how I did it, I didn’t have any more skill than anybody
else there. I just… there’s something inside me that when I see somebody suffering,
everything in me shows up and… and over the decades, and it’s been many decades.
39 years now. Of course I started when I was 2. But sincerely, in 39 years, you know, I’ve
had so many experiences that nothing is going to surprise me now. There’s… there’s
only a limited number of patterns human beings have and our patterns will make us angry or
sad or suicidal or they’ll make us passionate or grateful or full of awe and beauty and
love. And I know what those patterns are, so I have certainty because it’s like, you
know, tying your shoes. People say, “How do you get up and speak for 50 hours without
any notes?” Well, I’ve done it a few million times. And so, you know, I’m confident tying
my shoes because I’ve done it so much. I might still have to stick my tongue out to
the side, some… I’m a little… I’m anchored to how I learned originally. But
my point sincerely is it’s not like I’m so superhuman. It’s like when you see someone
who’s the best in the world at what they do, they’re being rewarded in public for
what they’ve practiced millions of times in private. And so I keep making… I haven’t
stopped. I keep learning, expanding, making new distinctions. I mean, I get… I 2, 3
times a year I look for something to make me grow. The last thing I did, it’s crazy.
I finished a Date with Destiny in Australia, I was exhausted, 7 days and nights, 6 days
and nights. Really 10 because I work with my trainers before that. And I flew straight
home because the only opening in my schedule was not a vacation time. I went for 6 days
to this place in Sedona, Arizona where they put 180 electrodes on your brain, it takes
like an hour to put them on, they put you in a room for 14 hours that’s pitch black
and there is… it’s cold as hell, it’s kind of what my seminars probably feel like
for some people initially. And you learn how to turn on the alpha part of your brain which,
of course, not only makes you really happy but you can solve anything in an alpha state.
And so… and it’s hard and there’s these sounds that are coming out of your brain because
you’ve got this amplification, but, I mean, I do that… the first day I wanted to say
who do I have to kill to get out of this? You know, because it’s like I’m exhausted
and this is so painful. But I stick with it because I know if I can develop that skill,
I’m just gonna have that much more impact with people. So for me, I’ve built the certainty
by decades of producing the result, but in the very beginning it was just this person
is hurting and I’ve got to do something. And that core aspect of me hasn’t changed
to this day as it was back then, but I was fortunate enough to succeed and figure things
out and you build on success.
Yes.
And it’s not that I’ve never failed. I’ve failed plenty of times. But not… if I fail
with somebody I just do something else. If that fails I do something else. It’s like
I always say to people, how long do you give your average child to learn how to walk before
you cut them off and say, “You’re not a walker.” “My kid is gonna keep trying
until we learn to walk.” That’s why everybody walks. So I just keep changing until I find
the way.
That’s really fascinating. I love the other thing that I’ve witnessed you do in an intervention
and it’s so much fun and you've done it here too, is you will break someone’s pattern
with humor.
Yes.
Or with some kind of shock that gets them present or laughing or just kind of bewildered
in a sense where they’re out of the habitual…
Like you saw with that man, he’s suicidal. I’ve got to break this pattern because in
that state he’s not gonna create any solutions. Right? So, you know, I look for something
and in this case it was his red shoes. I play off of it.
It was awesome. Do you have anything, like is there something like that that we can do
for ourselves? You know, for someone watching if they find themselves, “Wow, I always
seem to go into this funk,” or, “I always seem to get myself into this state.” Is
there a way that we can break our own patterns that can be helpful?
There is. I think the first step is the awareness that it is a pattern, that it is not you.
It’s really hard to change yourself, it’s easy to change a pattern. But when you’ve
lived a pattern so often we get the illusion that that’s me, that I’m, you know, a
person that puts things off, you know, I’m a procrastinator or I’m, you know, not aggressive
or whatever it is. And we have all these aspects of our life, some of which are more developed
than others but they’re in there. So I think being aware of the pattern, its limit is step
one and then step two is breaking it. But people can break their pattern easily, they
just don't not only because they’re in it but because most people have never decided
to say, “I’m not going to tolerate this in myself anymore.” So awareness is step
one, step two is raising the standard and going, “This just isn’t me. This is not
what I stand for. This is not good for my kids. This is not good for my husband or wife.
This is not good for… it’s not good for me.” And then putting a line in the sand
that says this ends here now. And then how to break your pattern, there's a million ways
to break your pattern. I mean, you know, I do things off the cuff. One woman I had, she
was so depressed and so messed up and suicidal. I said, “Stand up.” I said, “You have
a new phrase I want you to do. I want you to do this 5 times. I am… thank God I’m
not a cockroach in Bulgaria.” I mean, I just pull shit outta my… nowhere. Right?
And she said, “What?” I said, “Scream it!” And so in the beginning she’s like…
and at the end of the time she’s screaming and she’s laughing I’m not a cockroach…
thank God I’m not a cockroach in Bulgaria. Now she’s changed. Now we can go on to make
the change. Because all lasting change happens in an altered state. See, most of us think
of hypnosis like people say, “You can’t hypnotize me,” and they’re usually in
a trance when they’re telling me that. I don't hypnotize anybody. I dehypnotize them.
We’ve been hypnotized by our culture to settle for things. We’ve been hypnotized
by our past to think of ourselves as being limited when we’re not. And so what I really
try to do is I alter people’s state because in an altered state you’ll do a… just
knowing, most of us know what doesn't work and what works. Most of us know when we’re
screwing up. Most of us know what we should do, but we don't do it. And the reason is
because in that state of mind you’re not going to. If you want I can go on a rant on
my highest level mission right now.
Yes, please.
Ok, ok. So for decades my obsession has been, you know, what makes the difference in people.
Right? Why do some people, you give them everything, love, joy, tremendous education, economic
well being, and they end up going in and out of rehab all day long. How many actors, actresses,
wealthy people have you seen do this? It’s sad. And then there are people that life has
just beat the hell out of. Right? It’s been… people have gone through physical abuse, sexual
abuse, emotional, spiritual abuse, and many of those people rather than being broken become
so hungry, so driven because they don't want anybody else to experience that, I’m an
example of that, that they become masterful in things. Right? But along the way I was
like, ok, so what am I really about? I said, I’m really… my real mission is to help
people get what they really want and help them have what I would call, you know, you
might say I wanna lose weight, I wanna make more money, you know, I wanna have a better
relationship, but what people really want is an extraordinary life, a magnificent life,
which to me is life on your terms. Not Tony’s terms, not your friend’s terms, not your…
not even your spouse’s terms. Like, what is going to light you up in this life? And
once people know what that is you need two skills to get there. One I’ve taught for
decades, the science of achievement. And, you know, you know me well enough and I know
you well enough that we both have been obsessive about finding the strategies that can help
people get the result they want faster than they ever have. And you’re brilliant at
it and I’m really good at it and we have a lot of friends that are really good at it.
But most people can figure that out. We can help them do it faster. And I think that’s
a great service and I love being able to do that and I love knowing answers that can help
people so quickly. But the… it’s a science to achieve, meaning if you’re… if you
look around, and, you know, I wrote a book, I think you know, about a year ago. I spent
4 years on it and I wanted to answer the question, how do I help people financially in a world
where most people are suffering? Especially with the markets in turmoil. And I thought,
I don't have those answers. I have some answers. The people with the best answers, the ones
you should go, go. If you want to achieve something, find somebody getting the result
you want and model them. Success leaves clues, go find out. Right? My original teacher Jim
Rohn taught me that. I never forgot it. So I went out and interviewed 50 of the smartest
financial people in the world. Everybody from Warren Buffett, Carl Icahn and I found the
common patterns. If you live by these patterns, you’ll have more than enough money. You
may not be a billionaire, but you’ll have more than enough money. If you violate these
rules, the science, you’re gonna have too much month at the end of the money, you’re
gonna be stressed out. Same thing with your body. We’re all biochemically unique, but
there are rules you and I both know scientifically that if we violate them our energy drops and
we’re going to have disease, if we align with them, high energy. So that’s the science
of achievement. Get there quicker, how do you do it? One, obsess about what you want.
Right? Focus on it continuously, have so much emotion about it that you take massive action.
Keep changing your approach, model somebody really great, and then with some grace…
takes some grace too.
Yeah.
Some call it luck. Some call it God. If you do the first 3 steps, that fourth step usually
kicks you over. But the more important lesson and the one that I’m obsessed by getting
into people’s minds, I really appreciate you planting the seed with everybody, the
one that’ll change your life more is the art of fulfillment. And I say the art of fulfillment
because what will turn you on, excite you, fulfill you is gonna be different than this
man here who I know is your friend behind the camera, and this beautiful lady here.
It doesn't matter how close we are, we all still are fulfilled by slightly different
things. And so what I really want is I believe that success without fulfillment is the ultimate
failure and I really want people to be fulfilled even more so because billionaires, that sounds
ridiculous, but they’re a dime a dozen. Now, that’s an exaggeration meaning lots
of people become billionaires. What’s a hell of a lot more rare is someone who loves
life every single day and stays happy when it doesn't go their way. There’s nothing
worse than an angry rich man, an angry rich woman. You want to slap them, you know. Like,
they have every benefit in life, but that’s what the human mind does. The human brain
is 2 million years old and this is not designed to make you happy. It’s designed to make
you survive. And survival, it does it by fear. So what the brain does is looks for what do
I need to fight or flight from? And so it’s always looking for what’s wrong and our
minds can take us over unless your heart is what’s running you. So what I try to do
is show people how to shift that and I try to do it two ways. One is I jolt them. One
way you can do that is about two years ago, you know, we lost what I consider to be a
national treasure, Robin Williams.
Yes.
How much did you enjoy or love Robin Williams?
He was incredible. And I broke… when I heard that news, it was just like everything stopped
and it was devastating to think also that he took his life.
Well, if you think about it, here’s a guy… I met him once, I was at a TED talk and he
loved it. And it was my birthday and he came and he stood in a restaurant, surprised me,
and started singing happy birthday to me as a Jewish woman, as a Russian, all these things.
He was such a beautiful soul and I’ve never lost to suicide and I had no idea that years
later that’s where he’d be and he never reached out to me. So… but here’s why
I bring it up. Here’s a man that was a master of the science of achievement. He knew how
to take whatever he envisioned and make it real. He wanted to have his own TV show, everyone
told him it was impossible. He did it. He wanted the number one show, Mork and Mindy,
he did it. He wanted a beautiful family, he did it. He wanted to make more money than
he could ever spend, he did it. He wanted to make movies, he did it. He wanted to make
movies and win an Academy Award for not being funny, his number one skill, and he did it.
Right? He wanted to make the whole world laugh and he did it. And he didn't just kill himself,
he hung himself in his own home. Now, I’ve spent the last year I was in China, Beijing,
I was in Japan, I was in Brazil, I was in Australia, I’ve been in Toronto. Everywhere
I’ve gone I’ve asked people this question [inaudible]. I say, “Tell me something,
how many of you love this man? Don't raise your hand if you like him.” 95% of the room
all over the world, every country I’ve been to, says they loved him. I said, was he a
master of the science of achievement? Clearly he was. So what happened? How does a man kill
himself, leave millions of people, maybe hundreds of millions of people, around the world that
loved him, but more importantly his own family, his children and his wife? The reason is because
he suffered. He suffered, he used drugs, used alcohol as a way to try to escape suffering.
And if you would’ve asked me a year and a half ago, we’ve been friends for a while,
do you suffer? I mean, suffer, I’d be like what are you talking about? Right? I have
the most magnificent life, you know, I’ve got 18 companies, we do 5 billion in sales
and 7 different industries. I have a mission that I love as much as I possibly can. I have
4 beautiful children, I have an incredible wife, I have total freedom. And I would be
totally authentic in telling you all of that. But I wouldn’t use the word suffering just
like achievers don't think they have fear.
Yeah.
And you know, I’ve shared with you before, like, stress is the achiever word for fear.
I’ve never fearful, I’m just stressed. Well, if I follow your stress it’ll take
me to your fear. So what I found is I suffered because suffering, there’s only 2 states
you can live in. Two types. Beautiful states of being, happiness would be one, but if you
just try to be happy all the time it’s not real. You know, some people smile so much
their face hurts. It’s a beautiful thing, but our nervous system needs variety in our
nervous system. So think of it this way, beautiful states could be awe, it could be love, it
could be passion, it could be a courageous moment, it could be being driven, it could
be happy. But in those states no one has to tell you what to do and you always treat yourself
and others in the right way and no one has to tell you to because in that state you just
do the right thing. Those states. The other states we can live in are suffering states.
And I have a good friend named Christian and I was in India with him and we’re having
this discussion. He goes, “You know, you talk about peak states and, you know, lousy
states.” He goes, “I look at those as suffering and beautiful states.” And so
I was like, “So suffering would be frustration, anger, overwhelm, stress, worry, loneliness,
depression. There’s a range of them.” And I would… I wasn’t depressed, but I
would be of course pissed off or frustrated or overwhelmed at times and I just, that’s
part of life.
Right.
Here’s what I believe today, that’s not part of life. That’s the mind that if you
don't manage it, you can have everyone loving you, you can have the most beautiful family,
you can have 20 Academy Awards, you can have all the money you can spend, and you’re
still going to be in pain. So my invitation to those viewers who are watching this, and
to you as a dear friend, is to raise the bar on what we call suffering so you see it for
what it is and to realize that you can free yourself from it. And it’s not some ethereal,
spiritual thing from India to do that, it’s just I think life is too short to suffer.
And so I realize my happiness was really cheap. And, you know, let me explain. I’d be happy
all the time, but then I would leave my happiness as soon as, you know, this little device would
go off because when you’ve got 1,200 employees on 3 continents, what are the chance that
someone is screwing up right now?
Always gonna be happening. There’s always gonna be something that you can get upset
over or there’s the opportunity to get stressed, to get angry, get pissed, to be like, “Ugh.”
Or worried or concerned or… there’s varying levels, right?
Totally.
All forms of suffering. So I was like if I’m willing to give my happiness up for that because
I think everything has to be a certain way, I think people have to behave a certain way
so that we can change the world, all this internal pressure that I have to make everything
perfect all the time, help everybody, you know, before I die. Whatever is in the back
of my head there. And what I began to realize is I’m not living when I let this take that
away. This should be one of additional tools to maybe to connect me at times, but… and
so now when that stuff happens I just let it go. And that… for an achiever, that’s
the hardest thought in your mind. Everything is a breakthrough. Right? But problems need
energy to live. And some things, you just don't give them an energy, they’re much
easier to solve. Plus it’s easier to solve something in a beautiful state than in a pissed
off, freaked out state. Now, some of us get pissed off and speeds us up and, you know,
we find the answers, but there’s a better way. There’s a more elegant way. There’s
a most… more beautiful way to live.
Yes.
And I think you embody a good portion of this, but I’d be willing to bet since you're human
that you have suffering states.
Oh, man. Of course I do.
What do you go through? It’d be good for people who follow you to see that vulnerability
in you as well, and I’d love you to share it.
I just wrote about this last week because I… when I was in Sicily. So, you know, again,
taking vacations is a new habit for me and when we were there I really got to see and
I wrote a little bit about this, was how wound up I get and how irritated I get with Josh
over stupid shit that doesn't matter.
Exactly right.
And… and it was so cool because it was so great because I was not only watching your
film…
Yes.
And you know how much I love and appreciate your work and I consider myself a lifelong
student. I’m always looking to learn and grow. And I really… it was almost like an
out of body experience where I was starting to see, wow, these are some of the patterns
that I have that I get in our intimacy… like, I will stop the intimacy because I need
to control everything including his state and my state and how… like, it was so awesome.
And it was amazing the healing that could… that happened just out of slowing down and
just out of being willing to look and not needing to be right. And also getting really…
Do you want to be right or do you want to be in love?
Yes.
Those are your choices.
And being really honest and having a level of discussion, you know, for Josh and I where
I was like, “Hey, this is how I feel. This is what happens,” but it wasn’t being
delivered through this angry, combative state.
Yeah.
It was actually a discussion and we had curious moments of how can we take better care of
each other.
That’s beautiful.
And so…
So deep in the relationship, doesn't it? Because as deep and as beautiful as your relationship
may be, there’s another level.
Always.
Because when you’re not suffering, there’s nothing in the way. Because everyone is a
great communicator when things are going well.
Yes.
But when people get pissed off, frustrated, fearful, worried, everybody’s a shitty communicator
then. And bad communication creates bad relationships.
Yeah. And so we were having this really fun time on the trip going, ok, here’s another
opportunity to peel the onion where we would catch ourselves going into a habitual friction
point and we would slow it down.
It’s a pattern.
Totally. And we’d slow it down and him… both of us, we’re great jokers and we…
comedy is, like, just a part of our lives.
That’s one of your patterns. That’s beautiful.
Yes. And so we had a chance to do that and by the end of the trip we were like, oh my
God, we feel like we’re new humans.
That’s awesome.
It was… but to your point, it’s like they’re… I love finding these ways. I get excited to
find my patterns because I really do believe in everything that you just shared and there’s
no reason for us… I was saying it to, I don't know, Louise, I think it was you behind
when I was getting dressed. Or Greg, actually. You were asking, you’re like, what really
did you discover? And I was telling him the same thing. There’s always this other level.
So I know where you’re going.
I think the most important thing for this so that people practically apply it as I hear
you applying it 100% and I’m not surprised based on who you are. But I think it really
comes down to measuring it. You know, you can’t manage something you don't measure.
If you’re in business and you don't measure your numbers, you’re gonna be out of business.
You may not care about that, but you have to. Otherwise you can’t run it. It’s also
true with your personal life, it’s also true with your emotional life. So we… my
wife Sage and I, we are… and my family all have come up with this approach in the last
year and a half, we call it our 90 second rule. And it’s not you have 90 seconds to
get your shit together. Like if we were together and you’re my friend and you’re suffering,
I’m not gonna do something and make you wrong or say, “You’ve got 90 seconds.”
I just say, “you know, I don't know if you’re feeling some stress or some pain right now,
but I’m here for you if I can help.” But, you know, there’s a choice. Once we know
there’s a choice. And so in 90 seconds since no one is pressuring you, what we really realize
is all the stuff that was stressing that you just thought you were believing in in those
moments. Like believing he had to be this way or he shouldn't do this or you should
do something different. And whenever we should all over ourselves, whenever we judge someone
or ourselves, it doesn't make it better. So what I’ve done is just like… have you
ever thought, “I wanna kill this son of a bitch.”?
Of course. And I know he feels the same. Yeah.
And so you haven’t loved until you’ve had that thought. Right? So but when I tell
people this, you have that thought but you didn't kill anybody because you didn't believe
the thought. Thoughts… when people think I’m having these thoughts, you’re not
having these thoughts. These thoughts have been around for millions of years. The millions
of years that you’re an asshole, I hate you, or you should do something different,
I should do something different. Those thoughts have been around in the ether. If I would
have told you 100 years ago we were gonna have a little device that was this size and
you could push a button and talk to someone on the other side of the earth because it
would capture invisible waves and bring it into this box, you’d say you’re insane.
If you said you were going to go to the moon and back you were a lunatic. Thoughts are
vibration. They’ve been around forever. This is not corny bullshit, it’s the truth.
And when you change the way you use your body in some way, down, excited, cranking, it’s
like turning the channel on the TV. Turn one channel and what you’re gonna bring down
is invisible waves of a horror story. Turn another one, it’s a comedy. Another one,
it’s a romance. So when you learn to trigger this and you realize your thoughts are not
your thoughts, what I’ve become humored by is a thought goes by that used to stress
me out, I go, “Oh, look. Another thought going by. Look at that little thing. Isn’t
that interesting? Isn’t that fascinating? I’m not letting… I’m not believing this.
I know it’s bullshit. I know what matters is this, not all that other bullshit. And
I’m committed to living in a beautiful state for me and those that I love.” And the more
you do it, you build muscle and it becomes easier and… in the beginning it should’ve
been the 4 day rule, or the 4 hour rule to be more accurate probably. Because we don't
only have days, but we have some bad half days, I’ll tell you that. Some bad evenings
at times. And now it’s like… I wouldn't say it’s effortless because things show
up, but it doesn't last. And that freedom is what most people are looking for who are
sitting and meditating because I love meditation. I do a little meditation process myself in
the mornings, but you meditate, you’re in a great state, and then shit happens and the
mind takes over and meditation is gone. If you’ve gotta keep meditating all the time,
you don't have a life. So meditation is a nice set point, but what I’ve decided is
that benefit of the meditation is I use that energy to slice through anything that will
make me or others that I care about really unhappy by understanding the truth. And here’s
the truth. All of your upsets in that situation, correct me if I’m wrong, were based on expectations
you had for him and for you.
Of course.
And the problem with expectations is they put you in a box, they put the people you
love in a box. And we can’t help but have expectations, it’s what the mind does. But
you can free yourself by expectations when you trade your expectations for appreciation.
I always tell people, trade your expectation for appreciation and that moment your whole
life changes. So I’m on my way, I’m fortunate enough now to have my own private jet, it
was an unbelievable gift, but most of my life I chartered or when I went overseas it was
too expensive, right. So, you know, you’ll fly to Australia, I now have an intercontinental
jet I can do it. But in those I’d take the plane. I’d go on Qantas Airlines and the
stress in getting on Qantas Airlines, the stress, what used to make me stress was like,
“Oh, my God. We’ve got 14 hours and I’m disconnected to all the companies and people
need to talk to me and all that stuff.” Because, you know, commercially in the US
you’re connected to the internet, but Australia weren’t. So one time I get on the plane
a few years ago and they announce, “We have internet,” and it was like God had descended
into the plane. People are cheering, people are, like, high fiving, it was just the most…
“Thank God we’re connected to Instagram for 14 hours.” You know, it was just the
silliest thing that we are as humans today because, you know, we don't feel like we can
live without this stuff. And… and I was just like them. I was like, “Oh, this is
the greatest thing.” And within 15 minutes you can predict what happened, right? Didn’t
work. Didn't start again the whole 14 hours and people were like, “This is bullshit,”
and this… and people were angry. 15 minutes earlier it was a miracle, now it’s already
an expectation. That’s our lives today. We live in a world where we expect so much
because so much is available to us that we’re missing out on the joy. So my goal is real
simple. I want to live the happiest human life humanly possible because I know in that
state I’m better for every human I can serve, including myself. Life’s too short to suffer.
And so I’ve made a decision and I created a bunch of tools to help people shift out
of that suffering real fast so they know how to do it. But the essence of it is I stop,
I breathe in my heart, slow it down, same thing, slow it down, see the thought go by,
get a little curious about it, don't let it connect me, and I breathe in my heart. As
I’m feeling that, then I start to think about what can I appreciate, because there’s
always something wrong and what’s wrong is always about, so is what’s right. And
all you’ve got to do is look for it and find it. And when you find it and it’s real,
it’s not some affirmation, it’s not some positive bullshit, it’s I really do appreciate
this, I’m really connected to this, I’m finding joy in this moment. That’s my job.
When you do that again and again and again, it gets… it’s a positive addiction. And
then as great as the life I’ve had has been and all the people I’ve helped, the liberation
that creates is the liberation that most spiritual teachers are talking about, but it’s pragmatic.
You don't have to go live in a cave to do it. You’re living your life like you and
I do and helping people and living your life with your family, but you’re getting the
rewards now, not some day. So it… it’s like trying to describe what a rose smells
like to someone who’s not, you know, smelled it or tasted it yet. And my hope is that I
can hook you into really considering making the most important decision of your life,
which is I will not suffer anymore. If it comes up, end it within 90 seconds. Maybe
in the beginning it takes me 20 minutes, but I’m gonna get better and better until I
am that. It isn’t phony, it isn’t fake, it isn’t placating, it’s just knowing
that life is so beautiful and rich and I’m not gonna miss out on it. And it’s changed
my life, it’s my passion.
I adore you and I think you’re clearly you’re one of the people in the world… the reason
I wanted to do this too and, you know, we’re not… usually we shoot MarieTV and we do
it on these, like, little chunks because we batch everything. But when this came in I
was like I have to talk with Tony because every time I talk with you I feel like I get
more grounded in myself.
Oh, you’re very kind. I love that you’re already doing this with your man and if you
take it… if you measure it more now.
Yeah.
And if you not only measure it more, but you reward yourself for the little victories,
as beautiful as your life is, I can promise you even for you it will be even more. And
that would make me very happy because I care deeply about you because I know you care about
so many people.
Thank you. I want to continue on with an idea that you talk about in the film called the
idea of each one teach one and how this work can spread. And I know we’re doing a bit
of that right now. What does that idea mean to you?
Well, every time I do something I’m always trying to figure out how do I produce leverage
out of this? How do I scale this? How do I help more people with this? And so, you know,
that’s why I do the videos and pieces that I do of that nature because in the modern
world we can scale that way. That’s why we made this documentary so people… I can
only see 2,500 in an intimate setting like that where I read everybody’s form, you
know, 20 pages beforehand for days and days and days. I can only do so many, but I can
have millions of people get a taste of that, make changes. Right?
Yeah.
So… but I think when you look at each one teach one, I think what it really means to
me is every time I go there if I can penetrate this person’s life and really get them to
shift where they own it, where they don't just make the change but they understand how
they did it and why they did it, then that person can now go out and do that with their
family or their friends and then you get this gigantic multiplied effect. Otherwise you’re
limited to what you can physically do with the hours in the day. And I’m able to do
a lot, you know, I get, you know, 8, 10 thousand people at my Unleash the Power Within events
now, which is exciting. But, you know, the challenge is like we go to cities and there
aren’t… some cities they don't have more than 10 thousand seats. Right? You’re just
at your max, so I had to look at it and say how do we do more? So I’m doing everything
I can to empower each individual to not only make their own changes, but then go back and
take those and help someone else.
I love it. And, you know, we have so many folks in the helping profession who watch
the show.
I know that, a lot of coaches.
A lot of coaches, teachers, everyone. And even folks that aren’t necessarily in those
professions but they have a desire. Yeah. In their heart. They want to have a great
life and they want to do everything that they can to help someone else. One of the key questions
that I’ve seen you ask in interventions multiple times and it’s always fascinating
because I see you disarm people and it gets them thinking in this new way. And I’m curious
if this question, if we ask it now if people in the audience at home can find value for
themselves. I’ll hear you ask, whose love did you crave more? Your mother or your father?
Can you speak a little bit to that line of questioning and what it can help someone discover?
Let me say why I ask the question. Everything you and I do as human beings we do based on
a set of beliefs, a set of values, a set of rules. We have a set of expectations, we have
a projection of how people should treat us, about how we should be, about what our body
should be like or how we should be doing financially at this stage of our life. And so all those
beliefs and values and rules I know how to find those with precision, but as a general
you can just call them your blueprint. Ok? Where does the blueprint come that tells you
you should feel bad about doing something or not doing something or good about it? It
comes first when you’re first born. You’re wide open as a baby. What can you feel? What
can you do? You can do anything. You can go to the bathroom in your pants and you’ll
still be loved. Try that when you’re 50, see if it works for you. You can do anything
and you’re gonna be loved. Right? But then gradually, very quickly, the oxytocin in your
mother, and perhaps in your father as well, that makes her love you even though you look
like a lizard as a child when you’re a brand new baby and you’ve got no teeth and you’re
fat and you’re still loved, the oxytocin wears off. When it wears off, fear enters
our body. Because suddenly someone else used to put all their needs behind ours make us
first, that’s how we survive. Right? Now I’ve gotta behave a certain, I’ve got
to be a certain way to get their love or attention? And human beings, our survival is dependent
upon someone else caring for us at that stage. We can’t take care of ourselves like an
animal that has horns or beaks or, you know, or claws or camouflage to hide. Our competitive
advantage is love. And so when you look at that you go, ok, well, where does my model
of what I should and shouldn’t do come from? Why do I have all this stress that says I
have to work all the time and I have to do all of this all the time? It comes from the
source of love in your life that starts to teach you how you need to be to have that
significance and love when they oxytocin wears off and they’re not loving you 24/7 for
no reason. And so I asked people, whose love did you crave most? Not who do you love more,
whose love did you crave more? Your mother or father? Assuming they’re alive. Or your
grandmother if your father wasn’t alive or whoever is with you. And who was it for
you?
My dad.
Cool. That makes sense to me. Tell me, who did you have to be for your father? And don't…
I know you won’t edit intellectually, but just tell me the first thought that comes
to your mind. I had to be…?
Like, cheerful and a hard worker.
Ok, cheerful and a hard worker. I had to be…?
Fun and entertaining.
Ok. Now, I want you to notice her face even. Fun. It’s that forced fun even when it isn’t
fun that makes it inauthentic. And you’re an authentic person, but I have to be up,
I have to be those things. What else did you have to be for your father?
Well, he… my dad, who’s amazing and still alive and I love him, he didn't ever demand
much from me, but because he worked so much I always kind of wanted to get his attention.
So I didn’t feel like he made demands of me, but those were all the kind of things
that I tried to do to get… find connection with him.
That’s right. So it was implied. He didn't ask it of you, but it was implied by his behavior.
So many times people don't say things and many times we misinterpret what people want
from us, but we believe it at that stage and it shapes our life. So you’re supposed to
be happy, cheerful, you have to be a hard worker, you’ve got, I assume, probably smart.
Is that true?
Yeah.
Yes, right? You have to be successful, was that one?
Yeah.
And you’re all those things.
Yeah.
Pretty cool. Your dad gave you a beautiful gift. However, with every gift comes a limitation
and the limitation, they have to be all those things all the time has also produced in you
stress. Now, you handle it incredibly well and I’m not placating you. You know how
I feel about you. And now just feel about you as a friend, but how much I respect you.
So you’ve constantly done that and a lot of that came from what your father imprinted
with you.
Absolutely.
But there are places where you’re not so happy, where you’re not so positive. There
are places where you’re not feeling that smile, you know, the glee smile. And to have
to do that or feel bad about yourself because unconsciously your belief is if I don't do
that I won’t be loved, and that’s the oxygen of my life by the most important source.
So what happens is we believe… like, mine was my mom. So my mom, I had to be strong,
I had to support her when I was a boy, a little child. I had to go to the grocery store starting
at 5 and get the food and make the meal. I had to go to the pharmacist and convince him
to give her more valium because she lost hers, not knowing she was just abusing the drug.
I mean, I became very resourceful because I wanted to please my mom, I wanted to make
her happy, I had to be a good boy, I had to always be nice, I had to be quiet when I was
supposed to be, you can imagine how hard that was for me. But I had to do all those things.
Right? And I became all those things. But I’m also an intense mother you know what.
I’m also a committed crazy son of a bitch. And those weren’t things my mom wanted,
but I had to be those for her. So what I do, I pretend they’re not there. I convince
myself I’m not like that. So I’ll give you one simplistic example, might be helpful.
I am obsessed with being a giver. Not positioning so, I don't give a shit if people know it,
it’s who I am. It’s how I feel good about me. My mom implanted that. It’s a beautiful
gift. But when you always have to be a giver, I had no money and I’d take people to lunch
and I’d order an iced tea. I was starving, but because I had to be the giver. I had to
buy the lunch for them. I had no money, but I would do it. Always having to. And as a
result, in my early years in business I kept attracting people that took advantage, stole
from me, did things. And I would be so upset, what’s going on here? And what it was is
it matched me. I needed to give, so people who were willing to receive showed up and
they would take everything they had. And one day I had a man, I’ll never forget, I went
to get the check, this was early in my life and career, financially at least. And he was
a very wealthy guy and I picked his brain. And I went to go get the check, right? He’s
worth a billion times more than I was. And he grabbed the check away and he physically
smacked my hand. Like, hard enough that it hurt. It jolted me. He broke my pattern, right?
And I’m like, “What the hell?” He goes, “Are you trying to steal away all my joy
of buying lunch for you? Are you that selfish that you’re going to take away that… try
and take that joy? I’m not going to let you do it. I’m buying lunch.” And I remember
staring at him and I was so shocked. He did such a good job of doing what he… he put
me in an altered state. Right? Just shocked me. And I was like, “Wow, I never even thought
about it that I’m taking by being the giver.” And so what I began to realize is I don't
want to be a taker. I hate that aspect that shows up in so many people. But if I don't
allow people to give then I’ve robbed them of the gift that I have. And so… it’s
so ironic because now in my life I’ve learned to receive because everywhere I go, I show
up at a restaurant someone sends over a note thanking me. They bought me lunch, they bought
me dinner. Where were you people when I was broke? Like, I could've used it then. I don't
need it. But now I let them do it and I come and express gratitude. Some people are really
cool, they don't even tell me who they are. The waiter will say they won’t tell you
who they are, they just… you’ve changed their life, they don't want to interrupt you.
Such an unbelievably classy thing, but I really, I want to thank them. But I’ve learned to
just take it in and know that it’s giving them a gift like I have. My wife loves to
sleep, my wife loves to eat. I don't sleep, I don't eat. Right? So why am I telling you
this? Because those are my patterns. Her patterns are different. And because I’ve loved her
I’ve learned to, like, stay in bed a little longer, I’ve learned to eat a little bit
more. But she’s probably saved my life in some ways. Because I love her I’ve opened
my world from being a certain way. It isn't this one model now. One of my sons, I’ll
finish with this example, I have 4 children and they’re all adults now and I’m so
proud of all of them. But one of my sons, my youngest sons, I was always worried about
him because he had a heart of gold. He’s made of the same stuff you are, I am, just
amazing. A contribution driven kid, beautiful soul. No exaggeration. Not just because he’s
my son, anyone would know that’s who he is. But early, years ago, he just had no work
ethic. Like, you know, I grew up with nothing. We didn't go to the family island that we
own, we didn't go on a private jet. I was [inaudible]. If I could make it to LA it was
a big deal. You know? And so it produced in him not the same level of hunger to drive
or grow. He still cared about people. And I’d always be worried. I mean, trying to
intervene on him. And I can intervene on anybody, but the difference is I was hooked because
if I die I don't… money is not it. I want him to be a proud human being. And he’s…
I don't use my name and I’d show up at a concert and there he was backstage and then,
I won't use the name of the group, but they’d say, “Oh, it’s your son.” And everybody
wants to do something for my son as a way of giving me something. I don't want them
to give my son anything, I want him to earn everything. I would be so stressed out. And
then I didn't want to have to come to Jesus meetings. And I’m like what is going on
here. And then one day I thought what if… what if I’m supposed to learn from him?
What if it’s not about me teaching him, what if there’s something in me that needs
to change that’s so intense? And I thought, what skill does he have that I don't have?
And I thought, chillin’. He knows how to chill. I don’t know how to chill. And I
thought to myself, you know, I love that I have the work ethic I do. I love that I’m
so driven. I love that I wanna help every human I can. And someone stops me on the street
and I’m there always. But, man, living that way is pretty stressful on the body. It can
wear you out and can make you not be there with somebody else because you’re busy trying
to solve everything all the time. And I thought, you know, maybe instead of trying to make
him be a certain way, maybe… I don't wanna be lazy. I will never be that. I’m incapable
of that. But maybe I need to let go just a little bit and relax, like your two weeks.
Maybe that’s the gift here. And so I literally changed my approach from being worried about
him that I brought him in and I said, “I need to talk to you son.” And he was like,
you know, “Oh, we’re gonna have another one of those talks.” You could just see
his face, like I just read his mind. Right? And I looked him in the eye and I just said,
“I have to apologize to you.” And he said, “What?” And I said, “I’ve got to apologize
to you.” I said, “I’ve been so worried because I want you to be… have everything
you want in your life and I know work ethic is such a huge part of that and I know you
have a work ethic, but it’s not my insane level.” But I said, “I realize you don't
need my insane level. You’re not starting where I started from.” And I said, “So
I realize, you know, I’ve had these conversations, I hate having these conversations with you.
I know you hate having them with me when I’m trying to coach you to get more work ethic
and you’ve probably felt insulted by it. And you do things easier. You look for the
easier way, sometimes the strategic way.” And I said, “So I want you to know I really
apologize for that,” but I said, “I want to learn from you. I realize you’re in my
life not only as my son but to teach me too.” And you can see this quizzical look on his
face. And I said, “I think there’s a skill you have that I need.” And he had this shocked
look on his face, I’ll never forget it, and he goes, “What’s that, dad?” And
I said, “Chillin’.” And he started to laugh out loud and then he looked at me like
this must be a technique. You’re gonna manipulate me with this or something. I can read his
mind, I know him like the back of my hand. Right? My son. So he goes… I said, “I’m
serious.” He goes, “Dad, no, you are not good at chillin’.” I said, “No, so coach
me. How do you do this chillin’ thing? What do you do?” And he goes, “Well, you just
sit.” Sit? And we had the most funny, beautiful conversation. Here’s why I tell you this
story, I love my son so much, I’m so proud of him as a human being. When I stopped pushing,
put your fist up. If I push you like this.
Yes.
What are you doing? I didn't tell you to push back. That’s what all humans do, right?
I push on you, you push back. So instead of pushing on him I let go and, as a result,
he’s coming towards me. Right? And what happened was I was sincere, I worked at it.
I’m still not a master of chillin’. I’m not as good a master as he is at chillin’.
I don't think I'll ever be. But I have that skill, which my wife loves now. Because I
can turn off, like, people say he’s turned on all the time. It’s just me. I’m not
turned on, it’s who I am. But the ability to let go at a different level has been invaluable
and I’ve done things I’ve never done in my life before like chill with my wife in
different ways, and she loves it. So it’s truly been a gift but what’s amazing was
I had no more conversations with him about work ethic, and what do you think magically
happened in about, I don't know, 3, 4 months? It’s like a work ethic exploded in him.
You know, it’s just because… because now… it’s like I think God, the universe, life,
whatever you want to call it, infinite intelligence, I think God puts people in our lives always
for a reason and the reason when we feel irritated is so that we can become more whole. So we
can go from when we were wide open and now we can only be this way and this is who I
am, this is who I have to be, to we don't have to be all those other ways at once, but
where you can embrace receiving, where you can let go and not think you have to solve
everything for your son or daughter right now and that it’s ok if they make mistakes
and learn and grow. Or that I can learn something from them. And when the pressure was no longer
there, when I realized God keeps putting these things in your life until you conquer them,
and it’s conquering inside you not outside you, I couldn’t… I've always been, I love
my son and I’m close to my son, but our relationship has transformed and I’m so
proud of him. And, you know, he met a woman, now he’s married to and now he’s, like,
got a different reason to work and he’s… and, I mean, he’s phenomenal. Same heart
he always had, but he’s got the work ethic too and I didn't do shit. All I did was let
go. So that’s… I know most of your viewers are achievers, right? They’re so striving,
they’re such good people, that’s why I wanted to do this conversation with you. I
think you’d be served if you could just ask yourself what is it I have to do all the
time and where’d it come from? Whose love, if you’re listening, whose love did I crave
the most? My mother, father, or if they were passed away my grandfather, aunt, uncle? Whoever’s
with you. And who did you have to be for that person? Here’s another one, who could you
never be for your father?
Oh, goodness. Who could I never be?
You could never be…?
I don't even know. Like, gosh. I’m drawing a blank, I feel so bad right now.
Don't feel bad.
Who could I never be?
It’s not how it normally works. You’re a moving towards person.
I am a moving…
I know that about you, that’s why I’m doing this. I want you to dig.
Ok.
If you’re willing to.
Of course. 100%. Who could I never…?
I could never be…? Just don't filter, just first. I could never be…?
Sad.
Good.
I could never be, like, kind of pissy.
Yeah.
I could never be… like, I just have this ability to figure things out, so I don't think
I could ever really be confused or, like, helpless.
So are there times when you’ve been sad?
Oh, yeah.
Are there times you’ve been pissy?
Yes.
If I asked your man, he would say yes.
Oh, absolutely.
At times.
No, of course.
So the point of the matter is when you’re not being that, that produces a level of pressure
inside you because the source of love you needed to be that for, and it’s in your
unconscious. It’s not a conscious thing. So there’s a level of life and death emotional
survival that shows up that says I’ve got to overcome this. Well, there’s nothing
wrong with having drive, but what it does is it makes you be inhuman to yourself. And
when you’re inhuman to yourself your man is going to feel it because even though you
don't mean to be, and you’re one of the sweetest souls I know, if I rub your arm like
this no problem. But if you’ve got a scab there and I touch you with a hair, a cat hair,
you’re jumping out of your skin. And so there’s scabs there from those things, it’s
a horrible metaphor, but there are… there are pieces that irritate that are there. And
when someone is spiritually developed it isn’t that they can quote scripture. It’s a nice
thing to be able to do. Or that they go to church every single day, I think those are
beautiful things, but the real thing is they’re comfortable within themselves and if when
you’re comfortable in yourself then you can give to other people and there aren’t
the hooks. You’re not doing it because you have to, you’re not doing it because it’s
your identity. You know, there may be a part of that. You’re doing it because it’s
what’s real right now. And I just think that the more we can figure that out, the
more you being to understand why you do what you do. Also I ask people, who do you really,
really like a lot? And then what are the qualities in them? And whatever you like in another
person are qualities that are in you but you have disassociated from them, you’ve disidentified
with them because they didn't match the way you’re supposed to be. Right? In the source
of love. And when you reclaim them you’re more alive. That’s really what it is. Or
I’ll say to people who do you dislike? I know you love everyone because you’re green,
beautiful, socially conscious person. But we usually have something that we get annoyed
by, pissed off by.
Yeah.
And whatever qualities piss you off are qualities in you that you’ve also disidentified with.
You don't have to become a jerk, but you have to find… if it was a taker, you’ve got
to find the energy of receiving. If it’s about domination and they’re dominant and
you hate that, it’s really about you stepping up and taking that part of your life and dominating
it a little bit in an intelligent way. Whatever energy is either annoying you, is calling
you to find that part in yourself, or anything you love in another person is actually you.
In fact, how many of you at home have gotten in a relationship sometime in the past and
you were enamored for this person? They were so passionate, they were… they were a man
or woman and took the room and you loved how they just, they were so potent or powerful
or loving or playful or something. And you’re more quiet, you’re more internal. Or you’re
way out there and you loved how calm they are compared to you. Right? The opposite energy
attracts us. But then here’s what happens. In one of my relationships, without saying
who, I had a long term relationship with a woman who was a great lady. And she met me
and I’m a force of nature and she loved I was a force of nature and I make things
shit happen and I’m not much of just, you know, hanging out. And she loved that in the
beginning because it’s a part of her that she did not see was in her that she thought
that was the opposite of her. She wanted those pieces. But if you don't reclaim that part
of yourself, the very thing you used to love in that person you will hate. You will hate
it because you have not grown and now you blame them unconsciously. So all of a sudden,
I talk loud and intensely and passionately. That didn't change, but all of a sudden it
went from isn’t that cool to does he always have to take charge of the thing? Does he
always have to talk so loud? The very thing she loved in me she now hated in me. Right?
I’m like, “I don't think I’ve changed. Right? I don't think there’s anything there.”
Because she didn't grow in that area. She didn't tap into that part. She didn't have
to become me, but she needed to find where she was not the passenger, where she was the
person who was taking charge at times. Not every moment, but at times. She didn't get
the growth. That’s what makes you start to feel that love for someone, because there’s
something in them that is recognized in your spirit that’s there and not fully developed
or not reclaimed. And when it’s reclaimed then that relationship becomes even more powerful.
It doesn't mean competitive like one is trying to be like the other, it just… we’re all
more whole. And for me, you know, simplistic things. I sleep, you know, I eat. You know,
I laugh at little stuff. I don't have to make everything be the most funny thing in the
world. All those things came from my wife because since I love her and I love those
qualities in her I learned to appreciate them in myself and it just made me more whole.
So beautiful. Tony, you’re just an extraordinary human and I’m so grateful we’re on the
planet at the same time.
Me too.
For everyone watching, you have to see this film. You will adore it. Tony Robbins: I Am
Not Your Guru on Netflix now in 190 countries around the world translated.
As of this Friday, July 15th.
Exactly. Watch it, you will enjoy it. And thank you so much for being here.
Thanks for having me on again.
Absolutely.
Beautiful to be with you.
Thank you. Now Tony and I would love to hear from you. What’s the single biggest insight
that you're taking away from this conversation today and how can you put it into action right
now in your life?
Now, the best conversations happen after the episode over at MarieForleo.com, so go on
over there and leave a comment now. And while you’re there be sure to sign up for our
email list and become an MF insider. You’ll get instant access to an awesome audio I created
called How to Get Anything You Want. Plus you’ll get some exclusive content and insider
updates that I don't share anywhere else.
Stay on your game and keep going for your dreams because the world needs that special
gift that only you have. Thank you so much for watching and I’ll catch you next time
on MarieTV.
The important stuff.
Brilliant, does my hand look ok? Tony likes my shoes. We are good to go.
From tip to toe.