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  • So I think that this is going to be the most profound video that I have ever put on YouTube

  • and I'm not exaggerating with that. It's also the most personal because for the insights

  • that I'm sharing, there's no way for me to communicate them to you without letting you

  • know it's been going on in my life for these last couple of weeks. So, if this is rambling,

  • I apologize. I'm putting my thoughts together on this, still, but it is incredibly important,

  • and that's why I want to share it with you.

  • So here's the personal part. About two weeks ago, I broke up with my girlfriend of a year

  • and a half. And if you've ever been in a relationship with someone for that long or longer, you

  • know, and you've broken up, it's not a fun feeling.

  • So the reason that it occurred was not because we didn't love each other, because we didn't

  • like each other. The reason that it occurred is because our values for what we wanted in

  • a relationshp long-term which is not in line. And there came to be this moment of realization

  • and acceptance that she wasn't changing and I wasn't changing, and for the both of us,

  • the best thing that we could do was separate, not because we wanted to but because it was

  • the right thing to do.

  • So it started off completely fine, like we're both logical, rational. She started packing

  • her things. She lived in this house, this studio, in my bedroom, and started packing

  • her things, started putting them in the car, and by the time we get all the things and

  • put the stuff into the car, and the last thing is in there, she is bawling. And I see her

  • like this and I'm numb, right? I can't even believe this is happening. We've been talking

  • about it because we think it's the right thing, but in that moment, I'm just like freaked out.

  • I want to show her that I care but I don't want to fabricate and manufacture these tears

  • so I feel guilty about the fact that I'm not crying, and I, eventually, sent her off. I

  • gave her a hug and a kiss and I tell her that I love her, but she drives off for another apartment.

  • I come back inside and that numbness stays with me for a couple of hours into that night.

  • And that sort of numbness shifted into loneliness and sadness, and I bawled my eyes out, right?

  • I held a voice recorder up. I talked my feelings out into my phone, which I need to delete

  • if that's on the iCloud; don't need that getting out there. But I just bawled into this phone

  • for, probably, 10 minutes, said everything that I felt, everything that I regretted.

  • I typed it out. I felt miserable, but even at the end, I felt better, a little bit relieved.

  • There was a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach I felt even though that I knew

  • that I did the right thing. I felt incredibly lonely because this is the bedroom that I

  • shared with her. So, what happens after that is a couple of days go by. I still have this feeling,

  • with my friends, they're trying to-- They're amazing, right? They take me to Escape rooms,

  • all the things that they know I like, trying to keep me busy.

  • But in-between these events, this feeling comes back and I'm thinking of her, and I

  • eventually go to her Facebook, which is the dumbest thing that you can ever do if you've

  • had a breakup, do not do this. I go to her Facebook and before I can even scroll down,

  • I don't know why I reflexibly did this, I saw a picture of her that I hadn't seen before.

  • There was of her in a dress with a group of people near a club and I booked it off that

  • page, but not before my adrenaline shot through the roof. My blood pressure started pounding.

  • I felt my heart beat. I felt myself get angry and jealous, and my head just started to go

  • into this crazy spirals of, you know, I can't believe that so soon after, she would go out.

  • I was angry at her. I felt silly that I had wanted to be upset on her behalf. Here I am

  • a night and a half ago, or even the previous night, crying in my bedroom. Maybe she'd gone

  • out that night. I didn't know when this was taken. I start wondering if there was a guy

  • there from her past or that maybe she met someone at the club, she kissed him drunk,

  • how that would be like low standards and this guy couldn't compare, blah, blah, blah.

  • So, now, I'm comparing myself to this person and imagining how I'm going to go become better

  • in every way that matters to me, meaning, I'm going to go work on my business, I'm going

  • to try to get more talented with music, I'm going to try to be a better friend, a better

  • person, I'm going to travel more, become more worldly.

  • I'm comparing myself to this person who doesn't even exist. An imaginary guy that she might

  • have seen and kissed at a club I'm in a death fight with in my head. And 5 minutes later,

  • I realized, what am I doing? But I can't snap the streak. For the rest of the day and the

  • next couple of days, I feel divided. Every time that I'm with my friends, I'm wondering

  • what is she doing now? And I know a lot of you that have felt this, but it tends to happen

  • with a friend, a family member, someone close when there's a falling out.

  • Sometimes you wish that they're not having a good time, right? Or even people that you

  • don't know well that who, maybe, you're jealous of, you start wondering what they're doing

  • comparing your life to theirs, and it becomes impossible to live your own life in a happy

  • way, and that's where I was.

  • So I'm still trying to get my work done. The videos, I know I got to get to work to create

  • these breakdowns, I need focus. So I start doing whatever I can to get there--all the

  • exercises I did and then some. And one of the things on this list that I created that

  • I have to do is something I've been interested in which was a hypnotherapist. I'm going to

  • go to hypnotherapy and would have him sit me in a chair, just knock me out, and make

  • me feel amazing.

  • So I've never done it but that's kind of what I'm looking to--sign up for this guy in town,

  • drive in, get to the office, and I see he's got the plush black chair, and he's got the

  • desk with the chair there, and I'm ready to go sit into this giant black chair, and just

  • be put to sleep, and made to feel like a million bucks at the end of it. And he kind of goes,

  • "That's not how it works. I'm not really gonna do too much hypnosis today. Just sit down

  • on this chair next to the desk and tell me what's going on."

  • So I start to tell him and I get to the story about Facebook, that how I saw her, and my

  • blood pressure rise, and it just felt terrible, these triggers for me. And he said, you know,

  • something similar happened to me. There was a girl. We haven't been dating as long as

  • you guys had but there was real connection there, and it didn't work out. For whatever

  • reason, I wanted to date her, she didn't feel the same way, a few days later, weeks later,

  • I see on her Facebook that she is in Hawaii and she posts this photo, and it's with her

  • and this tanned, huge, handsome, stunning set of pearly white teeth guy, on this beautiful

  • island in Hawaii with the sun setting in the back, and she's wrapped around him with the

  • biggest smile I'd ever seen on her face. And I'm sitting there and I'm like, "Man, that's,

  • I know, that's rough. I hope you're okay."

  • And he goes, "Yeah, yeah, all I could think about in that moment was how grateful I was

  • to that guy for making her smile so big." And that, for me, was a complete plot twist.

  • I could not have seen that coming from a million miles because when I got sad, I went to myself.

  • How does this affect me? And what he thought me that I want to start to teach you guys

  • that has been, perhaps, the most pivotal shift is how to get to that point of sharing in

  • the happiness of other people, even when you don't necessarily feel it. Because in that

  • moment, what he made me realize is that even though I did love my girlfriend, I had a very

  • limiting concept of what love was.

  • First off, if you look back at my story, love meant to me that you need to be able to negatively

  • impact the person, right? So when I saw her cry as she drove off, I went "there you go,

  • proof that she loves me." And I felt guilty because I wasn't crying in that moment. I

  • went, "Oh man, she might not know that I feel that way about her." So when I did finally

  • cry that night, I was like "Crap, I want her to see this. I want her to know that I care."

  • Now that's all nice and that's how we often times perceive love, but guess what? A part

  • of your definition of love is that you need to be able to make someone feel terrible,

  • you will have to make them feel terrible at times to feel loved.

  • Another part of my definition was that I want to make her happy, right? If I love her I

  • want to make her happy. Now that's nice and it made me do a ton of nice things for her,

  • right? It made me be a better person because I wanted to spread that to her, but it also

  • made me very self-centered in where her happiness came from. It wasn't that she should be able

  • to go out with anybody and her friends the day after, and I was happy for her that she

  • was happy, I was jealous and upset that shortly after our breakup, she'd gone out and had

  • been happy with other people.

  • By the way, I later find out, that photo was taken weeks prior when we were still dating,

  • and this entire episode in my head was completely manufactured. But the point stands that I

  • couldn't feel happy for her because my definition of love was that I needed to be the one that

  • made her happy. And, of course, the third piece of my definition was that love means

  • you need the other person, and if she's out there not needing me, or if I was getting

  • over her quickly, that meant that we didn't truly love each other. So I was stuck in this

  • negative spiral to prove to myself and trying to get out of her that she love me, and the

  • only way that we could demonstrate that to one another was by continuing to stay_. That's

  • a really screwy definition and it will guarantee pain in your life if you want love, which

  • we all do.

  • A much better definition, and the one that I had been trying to go for, and I will teach

  • you guys how to implement it into your own life, is that love means truly wanting the

  • happiness of someone else no matter what. So the definition that I'm driving for would

  • have had me see that photo of her, with that smile on her face, and went "Thank god, she's

  • not sitting at home crying about this." I'm so happy and grateful to whoever it is in

  • her life, whether it's family, friend, or someone else that she met, that they're making

  • her feel that way because I care about her and I love her.

  • And, for myself, if I expected her to love me, I would know, you know, what? She doesn't

  • want me to sit in my room crying to a voice recorder. She would want me to be happy and

  • I want that for myself too. So rather than do that, I'm not going to have this predermined

  • grieving period. I'm going to try to feel good immediately. That doesn't diminish how

  • I felt about her and how important she was to me. That is just what love should look

  • like and the shift, though, and it sounds nice, and I go, "You know what? If I really

  • love her I should feel that way," but then, I'd imagine thinking of her out with another

  • guy, and that is not how I felt. Immediately, a trigger came back and I would be jealous.

  • So I said, "How do I actually get here?" And this is the crux, I hope now, of this video

  • now that you kind of understand where I'm coming from, which is how do you feel that

  • genuine feeling of love for someone else? Well, it starts with the fact that in order

  • to do that, you need to feel loved first. This is a human trait. Babies, if they don't

  • get touched, will literally die. Humans thrive on the affection and the love of other people.

  • If we don't get it, our lives go out of whack. Everything starts to break down. Our health

  • breaks down. We start being mean to other people. We stop achieving our goals. We need

  • to feel that.

  • And so, the metaphor that I think of is that our well-being is kind of like a table top,

  • and as long as it's supported with legs, it's fine. So what we spend a lot of our time doing

  • in our lives are getting, okay, I've got my friends supporting me, making me feel loved.

  • I got my family who makes me feel loved. I got my girlfriend who makes me feel loved.

  • And everyone has different ones. Think now, who are your legs that provide that love,

  • that sense of well-being that you have?

  • The problem is that these legs are inherently unstable because life happens. I mean, take

  • this one, for instance, right? I got my friends, my family, and my girlfriend, and we break

  • up. And my well-being just goes to crap. It's awful. I'm no longer not only feeling good,

  • but I'm certainly not being very fun for the people around me. And I'm bitter, right? I'm

  • not very nice, I'm not very concerned with how things are going for other people. So

  • what do most people do in a breakup, when their table has been knocked off?

  • Well, they spend more time with friends, and they spend more time with family, and then,

  • they go get another girlfriend, boom. After a month or whatever period of time, they're

  • completely back to their old self because they've built another leg there, or they strengthened

  • some of the other legs. All good, wonderful, and great, but that doesn't solve the problem

  • that this table is so wobbly because the legs underneath it are not.

  • For sure, the truth of life is people can die, people will leave. Even my friends who

  • I have complete confidence who will be with me for a long time are going on a vacation

  • for two months to the other side of the planet that I don't want to participate in. So that

  • leg, for me, is going to be shaky. What we try to do and what I try to do was to reinforce

  • these legs, right? So we go, I need this well-being here, how can I lock this in?

  • We try to build braces around the legs, and that brace can look like a couple of things.

  • For some people, it looks like threatening. They say, "If you leave me, I'll hurt myself."

  • In that way, they'd be certain that that person will never leave them. I had a bit more healthy

  • way to do that, which is I would try to make myself very important to that person and it

  • had a lot of self-improvement and self-development. It's kind of how this channel got started.

  • A lot of situations in my life, particularly with girls that didn't work out, I would go

  • back and say, "How can I avoid this?" What I'll do is I'll work on myself. I'll make

  • myself more critically important. I'll make myself better at making people happy. And

  • that will ensure that the people who are most important to me stay in my life. But like

  • I said, the truth is my friends are going on vacation, doesn't matter how important

  • I am to them, they want to do that, so I'm not gonna have them. And that's when these

  • braces become negative.

  • Take my friends. They're going on vacation. Rather than just being happy for them because

  • they're going to spend two months in Asia and it's gonna be amazing, when we talk about

  • it, I find myself going, "You don't want to go to that city. It's gonna be no fun, you

  • know, probably skip that one too. You'd probably just want to come back two weeks earlier because

  • you're not even gonna like it." I'm not so concerned with if they're going to have an

  • amazing time. I'm concerned with how it affects me.

  • Take my girlfriend, my ex-girlfriend for that matter, right over here, this leg, I was so

  • concerned with myself being the happiness--that was my brace. If other people did it, right?

  • If she went out with a different guy, who's, maybe, single and had a great time with him,

  • that would threaten me, and that would make me feel crappy, and that's why that Facebook

  • photo affected me so dearly. So what you have to realize is that every single leg in your

  • life, in so far as it comes from someone else, is unstable, and you'll be insecure for the

  • rest of your life, no matter how good your friends, family, and loved ones are. If you'll

  • do that, you'll constantly be seeking security.

  • There's only one solution, and that is to build yourself, not just the wooden leg, but

  • a marble pillar coming up from the ground through your well-being table that is supported

  • by you, and tht is called SELF-LOVE. Now, my concept of self-love prior to this, I thought

  • that I completely understood it because I like myself, and proud of myself. I've done

  • a lot of things that make me feel really good about me. I got self-love handled. And the

  • truth is, that couldn't have less to do with self-love in any sort of universe.

  • Self-love has nothing to do with what you've achieved. It has nothing to do with goals.

  • It is completely unconditional, just as your love, truly, for another person should be

  • unconditional, no matter what, with me or without me, self-love for yourself means I

  • love and I accept me regardless of what I've achieved. Even if I'm a complete success by

  • my own standards, that has nothing to do with my self-love. My self-love on my worst days

  • and my best days needs to be the same.

  • And if you can build that pillar of self-love, it doesn't matter what happens to all those

  • wooden legs, right? Your friends can go on a vacation and you can still feel supported,

  • which means that you can be nice and happy for them, right? You can have a breakup. Your

  • girlfriend can leave. But as long as you have that central pillar, you will ultimately not

  • get stuck in this thought process of comparing yourself whether I am better than her new

  • boyfriend or whatever. You'll just feel good and you can feel happy for her.

  • One of the most amazing things that I've realized is that this enables you to tap into the happiness

  • of everyone around you instead of being concerned with what you lack. So I want to try to teach

  • you now the exercises that help you do this, and I realized this is going long, I got to

  • keep going, though, to plow through it, because this is the action stuff.

  • So, first thing is that every emotion that you have is a habit. Same way that you learned

  • to play the piano, for instance. You play a chord, first time it's really clumsy, 10

  • times, 100 times, 1,000 times. Each time you play, you're blazing a neural pathway in your

  • head. And with repetition, that gets stronger, it gets easier to fire, so you play it more

  • clearly every single time. Same thing is true for everything we learn, including emotions.

  • We all have habits with emotions and you should try to identify yours, because for me, in

  • this relationship, I could go to guilt easy, right? That became something that if I saw

  • glancing her, I go crap; I feel guilty.

  • You need to figure out what yours are. Maybe you get angry very easily. Maybe you get sad.

  • Maybe your person gets joyful or happy at the slightest thing. The point is, your emotions

  • are habits, and you can re-train them with practice, but you need to identify the bad

  • ones first. So, for me, it was this spiral of comparison, right?

  • I'd wonder if I was better or could prove myself beyond some imaginary guy that my ex-girlfriend

  • might see. So this was the habit that I needed to first cut off. I need to interrupt it.

  • So whenever I was out, say for instance, I'm in a gym, I see a guy, I know that was her

  • type, I go, I got to be better than that guy, yada, yada, yah, boom. Cut it out.

  • Notice it. Stop it.

  • The easiest way to stop it is something called an eye scramble. And this is what the guy

  • taught me in the hypnotherapy thing. It goes like this. You can hum a song, you gave me

  • a happy birthday, and when you feel that emotion, the first thing that you do is you just go this.

  • (humming "Happy Birthday" song)

  • It looks ridiculous. It feels ridiculous. But what it does is-- If you know, your brain

  • is divided into two parts. So if there's people who say that I'm not sure about this, that

  • your eye, depending on where it goes, accesses different parts of your brain. So you're quickly

  • just cycling through all the things in your brain. You are basically etch-a-sketching what

  • was going on. You do this a couple of times and you'll come pretty much to a neutral state,

  • as long as you're just imagining something negative. Now you're neutral. So you interrupt

  • the pattern. That's step one, with an eye scramble.

  • Step two is now that you're neutral, you need to feed yourself what you really need. And

  • I promise you, whether you're feeling jealous, insecure, angry, less than, whatever it is,

  • the feeling that you're craving, it might feel like you need to feel respected. It might

  • feel like you need to feel important. The underlying feeling that you need beyond all

  • of that is love. And I'm telling you, you can give yourself those intermediaries the

  • respect, the importance, the significance, the one that is going to fill you up is love.

  • So give it to yourself. Make it a choice.

  • And, again, simple way to do this. There are tons of exercises. I could talk about them

  • in other videos. For now, I'm just going to keep it very simple. You can go to a mirror

  • or imagine yourself standing in front of a mirror in your head and say out loud, or in

  • your imagination, looking at yourself, even though you are jealous of that guy, or even

  • though you're running a lapse in your head, or even though you miss your ex, or even though

  • your friends are gone, I love and accept you exactly as you are. Even though X, I love

  • you and accept you exactly as you are. You do it a bunch of times and you'll start to

  • smile because it's goofy, one, because you're talking to yourself, but, two, you will start

  • to generate that feeling. That's a good sign. Once you've broken that and you're starting

  • to feel good, that's the second step. You need to feed yourself that self-love.

  • The third step and this is the part that locks it in that is the hardest part. If you remember,

  • you cannot feel love for other people in an unconditional way, unless you first feel full

  • of yourself. So the way to test if you're full of yourself is to try to extend that

  • to the person that you least want to extend it to. And what I mean by that is that I would

  • go, okay, extend myself. I interrupted, I taught myself the self-love, can I feel genuinely

  • happy for my ex no matter where she is? Can I imagine my ex on a date, and hope and mean

  • it that the guy that she, perhaps, is on a date with is awesome, and makes her happy,

  • and is great in a lot of ways? And can I imagine him being there and be happy for him that

  • he is spending time with someone who I think is so great?

  • And when you can get to that point, which might sound ludicrous and sounded crazy to

  • me when I first walked into this guy's office, when you can get there in the moment, you

  • are free. You come back down to being present. You don't have to worry about what everyone

  • else is doing all the time. All of a sudden, rather than comparing where you are, you get

  • to just look around you and see all the happiness in the world and you get to partake in it.

  • I had never, in a completely unselfless way just looked at someone else and had been happy

  • for their happiness.

  • I always wanted people to feel happy, but I want to have contributed to what made them

  • happy. So it wasn't like I was running around being a completely jerk of a person, but I

  • was not going, "Oh, you know what? That guy did something on his own. That's amazing."

  • But for the first time in my life, I see that LeBron James win, for instance, the NBA Finals

  • in Cleveland, and I feel a swell of like that is amazing. That was that guy's dream, and

  • it can feel you up, and you can get that from every person in the world. You don't have

  • to be concerned with what you're lacking. All of a sudden, all the happiness in the

  • world becomes yours to tap into. So that is the basics of what I've learned this week.

  • I will definitely be talking about this more. I hope those steps are clear because they're

  • the important pieces.

  • Interrupt the pattern. It's a habit you need to get in there, cut it off. Second, once

  • you've interrupted the pattern, you need to feed yourself self-love. Like I said, lots

  • of exercises here. I'm happy to touch on more if you guys want. And then, third, extend

  • that; make sure that your cup is overflowing. This is the second analogy. You got the table,

  • the cup. You need to fill your love cup to the point where it's overflowing, and then,

  • you can start to distribute it to other people, kind of like the oxygen mask, right? You need

  • to take care of yourself and your self-love first, before you can really extend it to

  • other people in a meaningful way. You do those three things and you make a practice of it.

  • You just have to do it once, it's kind of like going to the gym, you got to continue

  • it, you will develop happier habits, and make you less insecure, less jealous, and a more

  • joyous person. It is the most profoud thing that I have come across in at least the last

  • year, and I hope that you guys have found it helpful.

  • If you want more on this, subscribe to the channel, and there will definitely be more

  • of this. Of course, more Game of Thrones and Breakdowns and all that stuff. I'm not gonna

  • stop, but I do think that this is gonna have a lot more. If you have any questions related

  • to this, I've never taught this before. Everything else on this channel, I've been studying for

  • 10 years. This is the first time, at the start of this two weeks ago, that I stood in front

  • of the camera and tried to share. So if I've went over anything too quickly, if I've rambled

  • on things that aren't important, there's a piece you'd like to know, please let me know

  • in the Comments.

  • I will definitely be doing more videos on this and I want to answer your questions,

  • and then, of course, to my ex, who I'm sure will watch this video, eventually, because

  • she's been incredibly supportive of the channel pretty much since the beginning, I love you,

  • I really hope that you're happy, and I love you. So, that's all.

So I think that this is going to be the most profound video that I have ever put on YouTube

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