Name: 【TEDx】Is it lust or is it love? | Terri Orbuch | TEDxOaklandUniversity
Uploaded: 2016-07-19T03:58:05.000Z
Duration: 17 min 40 s
Description: Thousands of YouTube videos with English-Chinese subtitles! Now you can learn to understand native speakers, expand your vocabulary, and improve your pronunciation...

I've been studying the romance and relationship patterns

Adverbs of manner

of literally thousands of people for the past 28 years,

and one thing I have found, or one thing I know,

is that most of us have experienced that wild and out-of-control feeling

where you can't eat, you can't sleep, you can't get anything done

because you're constantly thinking about this person.

you feel that adrenaline rush when you see the other person,

and basically, you just want to be with that person.

and remember that powerful and amazing feeling

But when we're in that heightened arousal state

many of us step back and ask the question:

Am I in lust or am I in love? Is it lust or is it love?"

What if I told you that you'll never have to wonder again,

because there are four specific signs that differentiate lust from love,

and the two states, lust and love, are completely different from one another.

based solely on physical and sexual arousal or attraction,

You're filled with sexual desire that doesn't stop,

and all of those sex hormones are being produced in your body

at an alarming rate; you have sex on the brain.

Also, when we're in that heightened state of arousal

at a new relationship, or in a new relationship,

We don't see them for who they really are.

we see them for who we want them to be or need them to be.

Well, at the beginning of a new romance, lust makes you blind.

by everything and anything your partner does or says.

that she has all of her stuffed animals on the bed, plus a few pillows,

or that he has absolutely no idea what a hanger is used for.

those same behaviors, those exact same behaviors,

and it's at that point in time that you begin to see

this other person for who they really are; flaws, faults, and everything.

And by the way, yes, we all have flaws or faults.

But at this point in time, lust declines.

but my research shows that lust declines in all romantic relationships.

It's an inevitable part of all romantic relationships.

I know. Sorry about that. Don't shoot the messenger.

But can lust be reignited in a long-term loving relationship?

and we're going to talk about how to do that in a few minutes.

But for the moment, it's just important to understand

that lust declines in all romantic relationships,

and if you stay with that relationship, lust can turn into love.

Love it also a profound emotion, and has a physiological foundation as well.

When we're in love, we produce the hormone oxytocin,

and promotes emotional bonding and closeness.

But that's actually the opposite to those wild sex hormones

Besides the hormonal differences between lust and love,

there are also four cues that you can use to distinguish lust from love.

The first sign is what I call connection.

When you're in love, you want your partner to connect

with all the important people in your life.

to like, hang out with your friends and family.

You want to show off them to your friends and family,

and you want your friends and family to be impressed by this other person.

but you bring them out and introduce them to your interests again

is when you use "we" language rather than "I" language.

It turns out that when two people are in love,

and they begin to think of themselves not as separate individuals anymore,

And the more intertwined these two people's lives are,

the more overlap in their lives, their friends, their interests,

And the more overlap between their lives, the more mutuality.

Mutuality is when we refer to ourselves as a couple,

as an "us" or "we", rather than as an "I", or this other person.

So, for example, if I asked you what you were doing last weekend,

if you were in love, you would tell me, "We went out to dinner",