Placeholder Image

Subtitles section Play video

  • YOU KNOW, I HOPE I DON'T HAVE TO REMIND YOU THAT WE ARE ALL LUCKY

  • TO LIVE IN THIS COUNTRY.

  • I REALLY DO LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT AMERICA:

  • HOT DOGS.

  • APPLE PIE.

  • BASEBALL-- MAYBE NOT BASEBALL.

  • IT'S LIKE WATCHING GRASS GROW WITH PEOPLE IN THE WAY.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) BUT I WILL SAY ONE OF MY

  • FAVORITE THINGS ABOUT AMERICA IS MY CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT TO

  • MAKE FUN OF THE POWERFUL: SENATORS, PRESIDENTS, BRANDS

  • THAT DON'T ADVERTISE ON MY SHOW.

  • SLEEP LIGHTLY, OLD EL PASO TACO SEASONINGS

  • YOU PICKED THE WRONG GUY TO NOT GIVE MONEY TO.

  • BUT NOT EVERYONE OUT THERE HAS THAT FREEDOM.

  • TAKE TURKEY WHERE, RIGHT NOW...

  • ( LAUGHTER ) NOW JUST TO BE CLEAR, ERDOGAN IS

  • NOT A NAME FROM "LORD OF THE RINGS."

  • I KNOW IT SOUNDS LIKE ERDOGAN COULD BE ARAGORN'S DAD, BUT

  • THAT'S OBVIOUSLY ARATHORN.

  • NOW, THE WHOLE THING STARTED WHEN DOCTOR BILGIN CIFTCI--

  • AGAIN, NOT A HOBBIT NAME- ( LAUGHTER )

  • POSTED THESE SIDE-BY-SIDE COMPARISONS OF ERDOGAN

  • AND GOLLUM ON FACEBOOK.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) PRETTY GOOD.

  • PRETTY GOOD.

  • , OF COURSE, SINCE IT WAS FABLE, THAT COULD ALSO BE SOMEBODY'S

  • "REALLY" UGLY BABY.

  • JUST CLICK "LIKE" AND MOVE ON.

  • THEY WON'T KNOW.

  • BECAUSE OF THIS, DOCTOR CIFTCI WAS FIRED FROM HIS JOB AT

  • TURKEY'S PUBLIC HEALTH SERVICE AND IS CURRENTLY ON TRIAL

  • BECAUSE...

  • IT IS A PUNISHABLE CRIME IN TURKEY TO INSULT THE

  • HEAD OF STATE.

  • FOR INSTANCE, IN TURKEY, LEGALLY, I COULD NOT

  • SAY THAT PRESIDENT ERDOGAN'S MUSTACHE LOOKS LIKE HIS NOSE IS

  • A TEEPEE FOR A CATERPILLAR.

  • NOW, DOCTOR CIFTCI HAS OFFERED A FANTASTIC DEFENSE, BUT THE JUDGE

  • IN THIS CASE MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND IT.

  • AND I WILL LET CNN'S NEWS LADY OF LOTHLORIEN, CHRISTIANE

  • AMANPOUR, EXPLAIN.

  • >> HE IS NOW TAKING A NOVEL APPROACH TO HIS LEGAL DEFENSE.

  • HE AND HIS LAWYER ARGUE THAT GOLLUM IS A HERO, NOT A BAD GUY.

  • THE JUDGE ADMITTED THAT HE HAD ONLY SEEN PARTS OF THE FILM.

  • >> Stephen: COME ON!

  • EVEN IN TURKISH, "I HAVE ONLY SEEN PARTS OF THE FILM" IS

  • TOTALLY CODE FOR "I HAVE NOT SEEN ANY OF THE FILM."

  • SO NOW, THE COURT IS LOOKING FOR A GOLLUM EXPERT TO DECIDE THIS

  • MAN'S FATE.

  • HMMM.

  • HMMM.

  • WHO DO WE KNOW-- WHOM DO WE KNOW WHO IS AN EXPERT ON ALL THINGS

  • "LORD OF THE RINGS."

  • FOLKS, WHEN I SPENT MY ENTIRE TEENAGED YEARS READING ALL

  • OF TOLKIEN-- NOT JUST "THE HOBBIT", AND "LORD

  • OF THE RINGS."

  • I'M TALKING "FARMER GILES OF HAM," "SMITH OF WOOTTEN MAJOR,"

  • "LEAF BY NIGGLE", I KNEW I WAS PREPARING MYSELF FOR SOMETHING

  • IMPORTANT.

  • WHY ELSE WOULD I IGNORE ALL MY CLASSWORK, ABANDON SPORTS,

  • AND ACHIEVE A PALENESS I HAVE YET TO SHAKE OFF, IF NOT TO ARM

  • MYSELF FOR A MOMENT OF HEROISM?

  • AND NOW THAT MOMENT HAS ARRIVED.

  • A MAN'S LIFE HANGS IN THE BALANCE AND I ALONE AMONG ALL

  • THE EDAIN, AM CAPABLE OF FREEING HIM, MUCH AS LUTHIEN FREED BEREN

  • FROM THE DUNGEONS OF SAURON.

  • NOW, I'M SO TEMPTED TO TELL THAT YOU STORY RIGHT NOW.

  • BUT ANYWAY.

  • NOW YOU MAY SAY, "STEPHEN, WHY YOU?

  • WHY NOT DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON AND SCREENWRITERS FRAN WALSH AND

  • PHILLPA BOYENS, WHO MADE "THE LORD OF THE RINGS" MOVIES?"

  • SURE, THEY HAVE RELEASED A JOINT STATEMENT EXONERATING THE

  • DEFENDANT, DECLARING: IF THE IMAGES ARE, IN FACT,

  • FORMING THE BASIS OF THIS TURKISH LAWSUIT, WE CAN STATE

  • CATEGORICALLY, NONE OF THEM FEATURE THE CHARACTER KNOWN AS

  • GOLLUM.

  • ALL OF THEM ARE IMAGES OF THE CHARACTER CALLED SMEAGOL.

  • I CONCUR.

  • I CONCUR.

  • THERE IS AN IMPORTANT LEGAL DISTINCTION BETWEEN GOLLUM AND

  • SMEAGOL.

  • SMEAGOL WAS A PERFECTLY NORMAL HOBBIT UNTIL HE WAS CORRUPTED

  • BY THE ONE RING AND BECAME THE CREATURE KNOWN AS GOLLUM, THE

  • TWO OPERATING AS SPLIT PERSONALITIES IN ONE BODY.

  • SO, YEAH, THE TURKISH COURT COULD GO WITH THESE GUYS, IF YOU

  • WANT TO TRUST A MAN'S LIFE TO THE SECOND-BEST TOLKIEN EXPERTS

  • IN THE WORLD.

  • AND THAT'S NOT ME TALKING.

  • THAT'S PETER JACKSON, WHO SAID OF ME, QUOTE:

  • I HAVE NEVER MET A BIGGER TOLKIEN GEEK IN MY LIFE.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND, FOLKS, I WEAR THAT

  • STATEMENT AS A BADGE OF HONOR.

  • AND AS MY TRAMP STAMP.

  • YOU SEE, WHEN I WAS IN NEW ZEALAND FILMING "THE HOBBIT: THE

  • DESOLATION OF SMAUG," WHERE I STARRED IN THE LEAD ROLE OF

  • "LAKE-TOWN SPY," I WENT TOE-TO-TOE IN AN AFTER-HOURS

  • TOLKIEN TRIVIA CONTEST WITH THE FILM'S RESIDENT TOLKIEN

  • EXPERT.

  • AND I APPARENTLY NEED TO REMIND EVERYONE, I EMERGED THE ONE TRUE

  • "LORD OF THE RINGS" EXPERT.

  • AND I DON'T BRING THAT UP TO BRAG.

  • I BRING IT UP TO SERVE JUSTICE-- AND TO BRAG.

  • THEREFORE, I HEREBY VOLUNTEER MY SERVICES TO EXPLAIN TO THE

  • TURKISH COURT WHY THIS MAN IS INNOCENT OF A CRIME THAT

  • SHOULDN'T BE ILLEGAL ANYWAY.

  • NOW, I CAN'T SPARE THE TIME TO ACTUALLY FLY TO TURKEY FOR THE

  • TRIAL.

  • WE HAVE BRUCE WILLIS ON THURSDAY.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) SO I AM GOING TO SAVE THIS MAN'S

  • LIFE RIGHT HERE IN THE COURTROOM OF BEING ON TELEVISION.

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THE TURKISH GOVERNMENT.

  • THIS CASE SHOULD NEVER HAVE COME TO TRIAL.

  • THE MAN HAS COMMITTED NO CRIME AT ALL.

  • HE HAS MERELY BROKEN A RIGID AND TIME-HONORED CODE OF OUR

  • SOCIETY: COMPARING THE PRESIDENT TO A MURDEROUS FANTASY

  • CHARACTER.

  • BUT THERE IS NOT ONE IOTA OF EVIDENCE THAT THESE IMAGES SHOW

  • THE VILLAIN KNOWN AS GOLLUM.

  • IN FACT, WHAT WE SEE IS NOTHING BUT THE PITIFUL FACE OF

  • SMEAGOL, A HUMBLE HOBBIT OF THE RIVER-FOLK, WHO IS CORRUPTED BY

  • THE ONE RING TO BECOME GOLLUM.

  • THE GOVERNMENT MAKES THE INCORRECT ASSUMPTION-- THE EVIL

  • ASSUMPTION THAT SMEAGOL AND GOLLUM ARE ONE AND THE SAME.

  • BUT EVEN IF THEY WERE, WE CANNOT ALLOW THE GOVERNMENT TO PUNISH

  • THIS MAN.

  • THEY WANT TO PUT HIM AWAY.

  • BUT THE FREEDOM OF SPEECH IS IMPERISHABLE AS THE FLAME OF

  • ANOR, THAT SECRET FIRE SET AMID THE VOID, THROUGH WHICH THE

  • WORLD WAS SUNG INTO BEING.

  • AGAIN, I DID NOT HAVE TO LOOK ANY OF THIS UP.

  • IT IS FROM THE FIRST CHAPTER OF "THE SILMARILLION," MY FAVORITE

  • BOOK, EVEN THOUGH IT'S THE ONE NO ONE READS.

  • ( APPLAUSE ) NOW, I AM CONFIDENT THAT YOU

  • GENTLEMEN WILL, WITHOUT PASSION, EXAMINE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN

  • SMEAGOL AND GOLLUM AND RESTORE THIS MAN TO HIS FAMILY.

  • IN THE NAME OF ERU ILVATAR, DO YOUR DUTY.

  • ( APPLAUSE ) SCOUT, JIM, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!

YOU KNOW, I HOPE I DON'T HAVE TO REMIND YOU THAT WE ARE ALL LUCKY

Subtitles and vocabulary

Click the word to look it up Click the word to find further inforamtion about it