Name: What To Say When A "Vanisher" Comes Back...
Uploaded: 2016-07-12T10:13:38.000Z
Duration: 8 min 42 s
Description: Thousands of YouTube videos with English-Chinese subtitles! Now you can learn to understand native speakers, expand your vocabulary, and improve your pronunciation...

To-infinitive

Hey, Mat Boggs here and today we’re going to talk about vanishers who reappear into

Modal verbs - A2

your life and then what you can actually say to get clarity on what’s been going on and

how to progress the relationship forward. You’ve probably experienced this. A lot

of my clients have experienced this as well. One of my clients was recently asking me,

“What do I say? Because it’s awkward. Like I don’t want to just go on another

date with this guy and he’s texting me, ‘Hey what are you up to? What’s going

on? What are you doing this weekend?’” She’s like, “What do I say?”

The first thing that you want to focus on is your mindset, right? The first mindset

is don’t take it personal. It really doesn’t have anything to do with you, it has to do

with this other person. And remember, when you’re dating, your job is just to discover

who they really are and whether or not they’re your man or not. So you want to remove any

of the emotional charge from it. Well, how do you do that? The way you do that is that

you come from this place of love abundance. Imagine right now that you had five amazing

guys all texting you, all wanting to take you out, and here this vanisher vanished for

a couple weeks and then reappears into your life. How would you respond? It really wouldn’t

be that big of a deal. There wouldn’t be a lot of emotional charge. You wouldn’t

be prickly or icy or irritated about it. It’d be like, “Oh, hey. Where’ve you been?”

Like there would be zero emotional charge. So bring yourself to this love abundance state.

Let that drive your mentality and drive your emotional state. That’s number one.

And number two: feel free to be direct. Feel free to be assertive because direct, assertive

energy demands respect. Remember, we teach people how to treat us by the treatment we’re

willing to accept. Let me say that again. We teach people how to treat us by the treatment

that we’re willing to accept. And so chances are you don’t want to accept treatment where

someone says they’re going to do something and then they don’t do it. So let’s say

you’re in a scenario where a guy tells you, “Hey, I’ll call you tomorrow,” or, “I’ll

text you in a couple days,” and then it’s been a couple of weeks and you haven’t heard

from him. So he vanished and then all of a sudden you get this text that says, “Hey.

What’s up?” or, “Hey, how can you been?” Now, remember the main reason he’s texting

you and opening this conversation again is because he wants to hang out with you. So

it will get to the point where he’ll ask to see you again. So the first response that

you want is to come from love abundance, that you’re living this life that you love. So

you could write something back like, “Having a great week! You?” And then at that point,

he may come up with an excuse and tell you, “Hey, I’ve been traveling. Work’s been

really busy. But what are you up to this weekend?” Or he may not. He may just say, “What are

you up to this weekend?” At that point, if he asks you the question, “What are you

up to this weekend?” and he doesn’t directly ask you out, you want to implement the porcupine

technique. And the porcupine technique goes like this.

If someone were to toss you’re a porcupine and you were to catch it, you don’t want

to hang onto it because it’s prickly, so you toss it right back. So if he texts you

and says, “Hey, what are you up to this weekend?” you don’t have to answer and

say, “Well, I don’t have any plans,” or, “I’m not going anything cool,” you

can just text him back and say, “Why? What’s up?” And then he’ll say, “Hey, do you

want to get together? There’s this really cool jazz festival,” or really cool this

and that. When he does that, you want to text back and say, “I could be up for that, and

actually I have a quick question for you. Give me a call when you can.” Right? So

you’re letting him know you could be up for that. There’s an opening there. “I’ve

got a quick question for you. Give me a call when you can.” So he’ll call you up and

say, “Hey, what’s up?” And you can say, “Hey. Thanks so much for calling. And I

actually wanted to clear something up with you if that’s cool.”

So at that point, that’s the shock across the bow that something’s off, right? And

at that moment, he’ll say, “Yeah, what’s up?” And then at this point, you just want

to call out the elephant in the room. And you could say something like this: “The

last time we were hanging out, you told me you were going to call me in a couple of days

and it’s actually been a couple of week, which is totally cool by the way, and I just

want to let you know that I’m really not interested in hanging out with guys who don’t

follow through and guys who vanish and then reappear. I am interested, however, in hanging

out with someone who follows through and does what it is that they say, and actually I find

that sexy.” And here’s where you want to let them know

that it was disappointing to you because you actually like them, that they didn’t call

back. Because that shows that you actually have an opening for them, that there is some

attraction there. You can say something like this: “You know, when you didn’t call

me back, honestly, I was a little disappointed because I think you’re intriguing, I think

you’re cool. But I’m not interested in hanging out with people who are vanishers.

So I’d love to hang out with you again and I just want you to be honest with me. Are

you going to be the guy who says some things and then vanishes? Or are you going to be

the guy who follows through on what he says?” And here’s what’s interesting. When you

put it this way, what you’re doing is you’re calling him to a higher level of being. You’re

calling him to becoming his best self, right? You’re asking him to step up. And two things

are going to happen. And when you’re this direct, it’s fantastic because you’re

actually going to get to see who he really is on the inside. One of two things are going

to happen. Either he’s going to own it, he’s going to take responsibility, he’s

going to apologize and say, “You know what? You’re right. I did tell you I was going

to call. I didn’t call. I apologize, and I am the guy who follows through and I would

love to go out with you.” Or he’s going to be the guy who gets defensive, who gets

offended, who makes excuses and starts blaming and he’ll say, “Oh, well, you know, work

was really busy and it’s only been a couple weeks,” and he’ll try to minimize what

it is that you’re saying. He’ll try to make it not a big deal and make you the bad

person. “You know, this really isn’t that big of a deal. I don’t know why you’re

making this such a big deal.” Either way is okay. You’re not judging how

they respond. You’re discovering how they respond because what you’re looking for

is whether or not – because how he responds in this situation (because this is a tiny

piece of friction) is actually going to be how he responds in bigger challenges when

you’re in a relationship with him. So you’re really interested in looking at how is he

responding when there’s a little bump in the road? Because how he responds to this

is how he’s going to respond later down the road. So your job is just to discover

him. Don’t feel bad, don’t let him make you feel bad or feel like, “God, this really

isn’t a big deal,” because breaking your word, putting yourself outside of integrity

is a big deal when you’re starting a relationship with someone.

Let me remind you, when you meet the right guy, it’s really tough to screw up the right

thing. When you meet the right guy, he’s going to follow through on his word and it’s

going to be easy. So you’re really looking for how he responds here, right? And the cool

thing is when you’re direct and when you’re assertive and when you say, “Hey, you know,

I was disappointed when you didn’t follow through because I was actually excited about

hanging out with you. And I just want to know are you the kind of guy who follows through

or are you not?” and you give him a chance to step up into his best self, right? When

you do that, that demands respect because that shows that you have self-respect and

you know that you’re worthy of being in relationships that are congruent and of integrity,

right? So no matter how he responds, own that for yourself and own that courage and bravery,

and know that that’s the right move that you made.

Because here’s the deal. Chances are he’s going to step up and say, “No, I am the