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  • we have to talk about last night.

  • The Iowa Caucus.

  • After a year of waiting, after all that buildup,

  • people finally voted.

  • And guess what? Donald Trump didn't win!

  • (cheering, applause)

  • Yeah!

  • But Ted Cruz did!

  • (audience groaning)

  • Oh. I thought that you guys would be happy about that. Huh.

  • Uh, and also, uh, Bernie Sanders won!

  • -(cheering, applause) -Yeah.

  • But not as much as Hillary Clinton!

  • (cheering, applause)

  • It's such a weird thing.

  • So, they both won and he sort of didn't,

  • and I guess they award it to her,

  • which means she can lose in November to Ted Cruz.

  • That's what that means, I think.

  • But I've got to say, American elections are super fun.

  • This was my first time watching the Iowa Caucus,

  • and I have to say, after hearing about how sophisticated

  • American democracy is, it was nice to see the process

  • for the first time, because...

  • wow.

  • They just did last call for the ballots.

  • Look, they stuffed them all into these popcorn baskets.

  • I can't tell you how exciting this is.

  • We're watching them count.

  • They're doing it very deliberately.

  • They're kind of pausing to let each other,

  • you know, register the count.

  • How obsessed are Americans with food?

  • -(laughter) -You put your votes in popcorn containers?

  • And why do you have popcorn containers just lying around?

  • What the hell's going on?

  • At what point do you admit that you have a problem?

  • I don't understand. Also, look at that.

  • Like, they're just writing down votes

  • on a piece of paper, and that's it.

  • The fate of the free world relies entirely

  • on one guy not sneezing-- that's all you're hoping for.

  • It's like... (sneezes) Ah, Ted Cruz. Ted Cruz, I guess.

  • Last night was an epic event, uh, you know?

  • A great night for the Democrats, because they were treated

  • to not one, but two victory speeches.

  • So, as I stand here tonight...

  • breathing a big sigh of relief-- thank you, Iowa!

  • (cheering)

  • What Iowa has begun tonight

  • is a political revolution.

  • (cheering)

  • Whoo!

  • (laughter, applause)

  • Watch out, people!

  • Party Bernie is on the loose!

  • Whoo!

  • Can see him singing afterwards at the after-party.

  • (like Sanders): ♪ I can't feel my face when I'm with you! ♪

  • And I'm gonna see a neuroscientist about this.

  • Something's wrong. I think it's a condition.

  • So, it was technically tied.

  • But in the end, Hillary was narrowly awarded the win.

  • And I mean really, really narrowly.

  • It was so close in several precincts,

  • here's how they had to decide the winner.

  • NEWSWOMAN: In half a dozen precincts, the winner

  • had to be determined by a coin toss.

  • (coin clacking)

  • -MAN: Tails. -WOMAN: Tails.

  • MAN: Hillary.

  • -Hillary Clinton. -(cheering)

  • (laughter)

  • Bernie was right.

  • I guess money does decide elections.

  • (laughter, whooping)

  • -It's crazy to me. -(applause)

  • It's insane... that part of such a big process

  • is decided the same way Americans decide

  • who gets to kick first in the Super Bowl.

  • It's just, like... like, at least have them roll the dice.

  • That's what I was thinking. Make it interesting.

  • Wouldn't it be fun to see, like, Hillary with the dice,

  • just being like, "Come on, no snake eyes, no snake eyes,

  • come on, no snake eyes!"

  • So, on the numbers, Hillary won and Bernie lost

  • in Iowa-- that's what they say.

  • But just like in the alphabet, numbers don't mean (bleep).

  • NEWSMAN: Hillary Clinton officially declared

  • the winner today by the Iowa Democratic Party.

  • It's hard to call it a win, certainly, for Hillary Clinton,

  • who was up by so much, uh, you know, for so long.

  • NEWSMAN: This was not a victory for Hillary Clinton.

  • A tie was a win for Bernie Sanders last night in Iowa...

  • Bernie Sanders won this.

  • He won it with momentum moving forward.

  • What? He lost, but he won it with momentum moving forward?

  • That sounds like something my uncle says

  • when he plays the lottery.

  • "Yeah, Trevor, I didn't pick the right numbers.

  • But now I have the momentum moving forward!"

  • (laughter)

  • The Democratic race last night was so close

  • that some news outlets didn't even report it as a Hillary win

  • until the next day-- but that didn't stop Hillary

  • from prematurely declaring herself the winner.

  • The Clinton campaign, an official is telling me

  • they are declaring victory over Bernie Sanders.

  • He says it is close-- obviously,

  • we don't have the numbers to back it up.

  • -(laughter) -That is not cool, Hillary.

  • You can't just call yourself the Iowa Caucus winner

  • before the results are in.

  • It's not like riding shotgun.

  • Only 82% of the votes were even in.

  • It sounded like Hillary just pulled an Ariana Grande

  • and licked all the ballots, like, eh-eh-eh...

  • Well, my saliva's on these, so they're mine!

  • And I'll tell you what, Hillary could learn a thing or two

  • about class and humility.

  • And she could learn that...

  • -from Donald Trump. -(audience groaning)

  • We finished second, and I want to tell you something--

  • I'm just honored, I'm really honored.

  • And I want to congratulate Ted,

  • and I want to congratulate all of the incredible candidates...

  • I want to thank all of the folks that worked with us.

  • We had a great team, and we will continue to have a great team.

  • And we're just so happy with the way everything worked out.

  • You-you were waiting for the joke, weren't you?

  • -(laughter) -Yeah, there's no joke.

  • Donald Trump was gracious in defeat.

  • And all of us were waiting for the big meltdown.

  • It was like watching a porn

  • where the guy actually fixes the plumbing and then leaves.

  • (laughter)

  • So with Trump not making a spectacle of himself,

  • all that was left to do on the Republican side

  • was watch Ted Cruz's long-ass victory speech,

  • which is still going on.

  • -(laughter) -Seriously.

  • In fact, I've heard it said, long after the Apocalypse

  • there will be only two things remaining:

  • cockroaches and Ted Cruz's speech.

  • And then the cockroaches will kill themselves

  • -because (bleep) that. -(laughter)

  • But I must be fair-- there were a few highlights

  • in Ted Cruz's speech.

  • For example, he revealed the real secret of his success.

  • Tonight...

  • is a victory for courageous conservatives across Iowa

  • and all across this great nation.

  • You want to know what scares...

  • the Washington cartel?

  • AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Cruz! You! You!

  • Actually, not remotely.

  • I don't scare them in the tiniest bit.

  • What scares them is you.

  • (whooping, cheering)

  • (laughter)

  • Well, Cruz is right.

  • Look at it this way.

  • I'm scared of Michael Myers from the Halloween movies.

  • But if there was a room of people

  • that supported Michael Myers...

  • -(laughter) -I'd be way more afraid of those people.

  • (applause)

  • (whooping)

  • Ted Cruz wasn't all about fear,

  • he also showed gratitude to his maker.

  • And to my dad, a man who came from Cuba...

  • I love you, Dad.

  • I love you, Dad.

  • Which is why when I'm president

  • it's gonna be so hard for me to deport you...

  • and all your friends.

  • NOAH: Also doing well last night was Marco Rubio,

  • who thought his third-place finish

  • earned him a victory speech.

  • For months they told us we had no chance.

  • They told us because we offered too much optimism

  • in a time of anger we had no chance.

  • Because... my hair wasn't gray enough

  • and my boots were too high.

  • (laughs) Oh, I... I don't think they said that,

  • because, you know, I don't know

  • if that's why you have no chance, because of the boots.

  • I mean, I think it was because you only show up to work

  • about two-thirds of the time, and also,

  • you've missed more votes than any other senator,

  • and you tried to pass immigration reform

  • but then bailed on it once it got really tough,

  • and then you pretend that you never did,

  • and also, you used the GOP credit card

  • to spend 20 grand on personal expenses,

  • but... but yeah, probably your boots didn't help.

we have to talk about last night.

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The Daily Show - Counting Votes in Popcorn Containers at the Iowa Caucuses

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    VoiceTube posted on 2016/07/12
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