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  • -I'm sinking, Matt.

  • The more I try to make my life better, the worse it gets.

  • -Ah, you're spiraling, David.

  • Everything's fine.

  • -What the fuck?

  • -All right.

  • Maybe you need to see my therapist, Dr. Kessler.

  • You might need some professional help.

  • -OK.

  • What's the number.

  • It's

  • -212-555-5555.

  • -Again?

  • -555-555-5555.

  • -555-555-5555.

  • -Yeah.

  • -OK, and what's the address?

  • -123 Main Street, Anytown, USA.

  • -OK.

  • MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): All clear on Main Street.

  • Nothing to report.

  • [DOORBELL RINGS]

  • DR. KESSLER (ON INTERCOM): Hello, this is Dr. Kessler.

  • -Hi, is--

  • DR. KESSLER (ON INTERCOM): Come in, Mr. Wain.

  • [INTERCOM BUZZES]

  • -Hi, David.

  • I'm Carol Kessler.

  • Welcome.

  • -Pleasure.

  • Oh, you sound different than you did on the intercom.

  • -Oh, I know.

  • The intercom makes everyone sound like an old Jewish man.

  • But who has time to fix it?

  • I mean, what with the pace of modern times and just voice

  • mails and fax machines and CB radios.

  • So why don't you take a seat, and, well, we'll get started.

  • OK?

  • Just a second.

  • Uh, breaker, breaker, this is the Poodle Cruncher, and I

  • will be radio silent for the next hour or so.

  • Over and out good buddies.

  • OK.

  • So.

  • David, what brings you to therapy?

  • -I don't know.

  • I've just been lonely, kind of depressed.

  • Can't seem to keep a relationship going.

  • -No, stop.

  • You're here, but you're not here.

  • Start again.

  • -OK.

  • Well--

  • -How much do you masturbate?

  • -I don't kn--

  • -David, we're almost out of time, but what I'm hearing

  • from you is that you would like meet someone new and

  • maybe curb that compulsive masturbation problem.

  • I'm assuming that you had a relative that raped you.

  • Now would that be in the house or was it more like

  • a city zoo or what?

  • -It was at the zoo.

  • -Anyway, I'm going to a banquet tonight for the

  • National Psychological Society, and my

  • husband is out of town.

  • Would you like to accompany me?

  • -Oh my god.

  • Dr. Kessler, you look beautiful.

  • -Oh, thank you, David.

  • Do me a favor.

  • Call me Carol.

  • -Evening, Dr. Kessler.

  • Where's Marvin?

  • -Who cares?

  • This is David.

  • He's a patient of mine.

  • -Let me guess.

  • Obsessive compulsive?

  • -Try again?

  • -Bipolar?

  • -Nope.

  • -Intermittent explosive disorder?

  • -Wrong.

  • -Anorexia nervosa.

  • -No.

  • -Munchausen's syndrome.

  • -No.

  • -Paraphilias.

  • -No.

  • -OK, I give up.

  • What's wrong with this guy?

  • -I don't even know.

  • I've only had about a two-minute session with him so

  • far.

  • -Gotcha.

  • -Nice to meet you.

  • Come here, you.

  • I'm gonna do something that I've been wanting to

  • do for a long time.

  • -Oh, Carol.

  • Isn't this just inappropriate on so many levels?

  • -Come with me.

  • -This is the ladies' room.

  • I'll just wait outsi--

  • -Relax, dog.

  • Come on.

  • -What are you doing?

  • -[HEAVY SIGH]

  • -Oh my god, are you peeing?

  • Oh!

  • [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

  • -It's weird.

  • It's weird.

  • It's weird.

  • -Put your fingers in my panties.

  • -Oh, that's--

  • -Do it.

  • -Now?

  • Ow!

  • -Now you.

  • Hit me.

  • Oh!

  • -Are you OK?

  • -What time is it?

  • -I don't--

  • -What are you doing here?

  • Go!

  • Give somebody some privacy, you fucking asshole.

  • -David.

  • -Carol?

  • -Dr. Kessler, if you please.

  • This is my husband, Marvin, and you know Matt.

  • -How could you, David?

  • DAVID (OFFSCREEN): But--

  • -I mean, do you have any idea how this makes me look?

  • -But--

  • I--

  • MARVIN (OFFSCREEN): What did you think I was?

  • You think I'm some kind of chump or something?

  • Jesus.

  • -We have decided not to press charges, David.

  • -But if you ever step foot in any town again, I will

  • personally stab you right through the heart with a

  • sharpened flagpole.

  • DAVID (OFFSCREEN): I don't understand.

  • I just came to her for some help, and then suddenly last

  • night, she takes me to this weird party and--

  • -There's a disease, a cancer in this room, and its name is

  • David Wain.

  • I hope you die soon.

  • Marvin?

  • -Absolutely.

  • DR. KESSLER (ON INTERCOM): Matt?

  • DAVID (OFFSCREEN): Matt.

  • Not you, Matt.

  • You're my friend.

  • -Not anymore, David.

  • I hope you die as soon as possible.

  • After what you did to Dr. Kessler and her husband?

  • Unforgivable.

  • -Now I don't want this session to end on a sour note, so I

  • brought some slow house groove I thought that we

  • could all dance to.

  • [SLOW HOUSE GROOVE PLAYS]

-I'm sinking, Matt.

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