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  • -Come on, David.

  • -I'm so anxious today.

  • I have a date with a wholesome, beautiful girl from

  • the Midwest.

  • -Where are you gong to take a girl like that?

  • I mean, you only hang out at cool restaurants and the

  • downtown comedy venues.

  • -Yeah.

  • Big time red carpet events.

  • Tell me about it.

  • -You know, Barry Manilow's in town tonight at the Garden.

  • You should take her there.

  • Homespun people love him.

  • -Nah, the Low's been sold out for weeks, bro.

  • I should know.

  • I tried to blow this guy at a radio station for tix.

  • -Well, you know, I can just scalp tix at the arena.

  • I'm really good at getting deals on things.

  • -Really?

  • What can you get from scalper?

  • -I could probably get, like, orch tix.

  • -Orch tix?

  • -Orch tix.

  • -You're kidding me.

  • -I could get orch tix.

  • -If you get 'em, more power to you, girl.

  • -That's right, man.

  • -Manilow tix.

  • Manilow tix.

  • Tix to Manilow.

  • Tix to the Barry.

  • -Yo, yo, yo, my main man, me and this fine young lady need

  • some tix to the Manilow show in the Gar-den.

  • You gonna lay me on, or what?

  • -Are you talking in a different language.

  • -Here, take a look at them.

  • -Orchestra pit, row one.

  • You can feel Barry's spit hitting you.

  • -Oh, I can't wait to tell my friends back in Iowa that

  • Barry Manilow spit on me.

  • -You got a deal.

  • Well, this is our entrance.

  • -Wow, it's all VIP, like Pamela Anderson.

  • Do you know her?

  • -Oh, yeah, I love that guy.

  • [DRIPPING WATER]

  • [DOOR SLAMS]

  • God, I just wish they would install some light bulbs in

  • this place, you know?

  • I just don't know about these tickets.

  • FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): That's because you're not at

  • Madison Square Garden.

  • You're inside a giant's butthole.

  • -Who was that anyway?

  • FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): It's me, Renee Zellweger I

  • scalped tickets to see a Matthew Barney exhibit.

  • -Oh, I loved you in Miss Congeniality.

  • -That was Sandra Bullock, Ellie Mae.

  • -So if we're inside a giant's butthole, is the giant

  • watching the Barry Manilow concert?

  • -No.

  • He's watching Desperate Housewives on TV.

  • Listen.

  • You can hear him laugh.

  • -[LAUGHS]

  • MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): I scalped tickets to see Tom

  • Stoppard's Rock 'N' Roll, and ended up in a giant's rectum.

  • -Who are you?

  • MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Kofi Annan.

  • -Oh, I loved you in Rush Hour.

  • KOFI ANNAN (OFFSCREEN): That was Chris Tucker.

  • I'm the former UN Secretary General, you, you, you white

  • trash poster child.

  • -[LAUGHS HEARTILY]

  • -Wow.

  • Must be good Housewives episode.

  • GIANT (OFFSCREEN): [LAUGHS]

  • -Hey, it's getting crowded in here.

  • I'm waiting for the Tom Waits concert to start.

  • Yeah, you're out of luck, stranger.

  • You're inside a giant's poo-hole.

  • Who are you?

  • -It's me, Charlie Rose.

  • Well, this is a pickle I'm in.

  • I've got to do a show, and I'm stuck here.

  • -You know, you sound like someone who's from where I'm

  • from.

  • -Sorry, there, Ellie Mae, but we had books and toothpaste

  • where I grew up.

  • -Good one, Charlie Rose.

  • Hey, I have an idea.

  • We can do what Jonah did to get out of the

  • belly of the whale.

  • You Midwesterners are always drunk on moonshine, right?

  • -No.

  • -Great.

  • So what you're going to do is drink this big bottle of

  • moonshine, and then we're gonna get kicked out by the

  • bouncers 'cause you're gonna get so obnoxiously drunk.

  • -I've been sober for five years, but I will do it.

  • -Good.

  • Drink this.

  • -I'll do it.

  • -Yeah.

  • Drink it up.

  • Yeah.

  • -Get the hell out of here, you drunk.

  • You do not throw up on Charlie Rose in a nice place like

  • this.

  • -Nice place, my eye.

  • This place is inside of a giant's asshole.

  • -Well, thank you for at least saving our lives.

  • -Let's drink to celebrate.

  • -No!

  • I love you, Ellen.

  • But I can't be in a relationship with you until

  • you treat your illness.

  • It's killing everyone around us.

  • -(SLURRING) Does I have Ebola?

  • -No!

  • You're an alcoholic.

  • Let me hear you say it.

  • -I'm a alcoholic.

  • -Yes, I'm so glad you admit it.

  • You said it.

  • She said it, everybody.

  • -I said it!

  • [CHEERING]

  • -That's the first step.

  • And now we're going to lock you up for a couple months in

  • a treatment center in New Mexico.

  • -That sounds good.

  • -First just give me a kiss to celebrate.

  • -Mmm.

  • Ahh.

  • Mmm.

  • -Mmnh, yeah.

  • You're gonna be just fine.

  • -No.

  • -Have a good trip.

  • -No.

  • -One day at a time.

  • -OK.

  • -OK, baby.

  • -OK.

  • -Love you.

  • Hey David, you're not going to send me away too because I

  • like alcohol, are you?

  • -No, the difference is I'm not trying to sleep with you.

  • -Good point.

  • That was nice of you to buy her a ticket.

  • -Oh, it was really cheap.

  • I scalped it on the street.

  • -Goodbye, David.

  • DAVID (OFFSCREEN): Oh, no.

  • Not again.

  • [SIGH]

  • Yet another funny adventure in my fictionalized life.

  • -Nice work, Dave.

  • -Why don't you come inside?

  • I mean, you know, we can get to know each other better.

  • -Wait, hold on.

  • Come inside?

  • Huh?

  • -Whoa.

  • [GIGGLES]

  • -[CHORTLES]

-Come on, David.

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