GENTLEMEN.

( APPLAUSE )

VERY FUNNY.

IF I WOULD JUST TAKE A SECOND

HERE, I WANT TO SHOW YOU

SOMETHING.

I DON'T THINK YOU'VE SEEN

THIS.

MAYBE YOU HAVE.

I WANT TO GIVE YOU THE KIND OF

HANDICAP I'M WORKING WITH HERE

TONIGHT.

I'M JUST GOING TO SHOW IT TO

YOU NOW.

IF YOU'RE SENSITIVE OR HAVE A

HYPER SENSITIVITY THEN YOU

SHOULD LEAVE THE ROOM

IMMEDIATELY.

LIKE YOU ALREADY HAVEN'T?

ALL RIGHT.

BRING THAT RIGHT IN HERE.

CAN YOU BRING IT RIGHT IN

HERE.

BRING IT RIGHT IN HERE.

>> Paul: WHAT HAVE WE GOT

HERE?

OH, MY GOODNESS.

WHAT IS THAT?

THAT IS A GASH WITH STITCHES

IN IT?

HOW DID YOU GET THAT?

>> Dave: I DON'T WANT TO BORE

YOU WITH THE ENTIRE STORY BUT

IT STARTED BY ME SAYING AS IT

ALWAYS DOES, "OH, I CAN FIX

THAT."

( APPLAUSE )

FOUR STITCHES.

IT IS DEEP.

LOOK AT HOW DEEP THAT THING

WAS.

IT WAS JUST WIDE OPEN.

IT WAS LIKE WATCHING THROUGH

THE MEAT CASE AT THE....

>> Paul: AT GALLAGHER'S.

>> Dave: YEAH, AT GALLAGHER'S.

LOOK, I WANT YOU TO NOTICE

THERE'S NO INFECTION.

IT'S NOT RED.

IT'S NOT THROBBING.

IT'S A NICE, CLEAN JOB.

EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE

FINE.

>> Paul: IT'S A DOUBLE GASH

THERE.

A DOUBLE GASH.

WERE YOU WORKING WITH A TRACK

2 RAZOR?

>> Dave: I HAD A THING.

IT WAS LIKE A PARING KNIFE.

THIS IS WHY I KNOW CERTAIN

ELEMENTS OF MY FAMILY ARE

TRYING TO KILL ME.

BECAUSE THE KNIVES OR AS WE

SAY AT THE HOUSE THE CUTLERY

HAD BEEN SHARPENED.

THEY TAKE IT OUT SOME PLACE.

THEY GET IT SUPER SHARPENED.

THEN IT WAS RETURNED TO THE

HOUSE.

NOBODY BOTHERED TO TELL DADDY.

"DON'T TELL DADDY."

SO I WAS MONKEYING WITH THE

THING.

I THOUGHT I COULD FIX IT.

THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW, ZOOM,.

>> Paul: RIGHT IN THERE.

>> Dave: HOW ABOUT THAT?

WHO ELSE DO YOU KNOW ON

TELEVISION RIGHT NOW HAS A

STITCH WOUND THAT'S DOING A

SHOW?

ANYBODY?

NOBODY!

( APPLAUSE )

NOBODY!

EVER CUT YOURSELF IN THE

RUPERT G WITH SOME OF THE HIGH-

POWERED MEAT SAWS YOU USE.

>> YEAH.

>> Dave: WOW.

THAT MUST BE A STORY THERE.

KIND OF TELLS IT SELF, DOESN'T

IT?

RUPERT, TELL PEOPLE WHY YOU

HAVE THAT BEAUTIFUL FESTIVE

HOLIDAY SWEATER ON TONIGHT.

>> WHY?

WELL, I HAVE SOMETHING

UNDERNEATH THE SWEATER.

THE CONTESTANT WHO I'M GOING

TO PICK LATER IS SUPPOSED TO

TOUCH IT RIGHT HERE.

>> Dave: YOU'VE BEEN IN

TROUBLE FOR THAT BEFORE,

HAVEN'T YOU, RUPERT?

WOULD YOU LIKE TO STEP IN AND

TOUCH THE BULGE.

IN ESSENCE THEY'LL JUST GROPE

YOU.

THEY'LL GET 30 SECONDS TO

GROPE YOU TO TRY AND DETERMINE

WHAT ITEM IS UNDER THE HOLIDAY

SWEATER.

IS THAT CORRECT?

>> THAT'S CORRECT, DAVE.

>> Dave: DO ME A FAVOR.

BOY, I COULD GO FOR A KITKAT.

HE'S DOING SOME SCHTICK.

I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HOW MANY

OF YOU FOLKS HAVE SEEN THE GAY

COW BOY MOVIE?

(NO APPLAUSE)

>> Paul: DON'T ASK, DON'T

TELL.

THAT'S WHAT THAT IS ABOUT.

>> Dave: IT'S A TREMENDOUS

MOVIE.

IT'S THIS ANG LEE, GRITTY AND

BEAUTIFULLY DONE AND A TENDER

LOVE STORY.

HERE'S WHAT HAPPENS.

THE COWBOYS GET UP BRIGHT AND

EARLY.

THEY DO ALL THEIR RANCH WORK

AND SADDLE UP AND THEY GO OUT

AND RUSTLE UP THE CATTLE AND

BRAND THEM AND ROPE THEM.

THEY CHASE DOWN THE LITTLE

DOGGIES.

AT THE END OF THE DAY THEY

COME BACK TO THE BUNK HOUSE

AND SIT ON THEIR BUNKS AND

THEY KISS.

THAT'S THE MOVIE.

>> Paul: I'M NOT SURE... GO

AHEAD.

>> Dave: THAT IS THE MOVIE.

THAT'S RIGHT.

IF YOU ENJOY WATCHING MEN KISS,

THIS IS THE MOVIE FOR YOU.

REALLY, IT IS.

PEOPLE ARE ALL EXCITED BECAUSE

THEY'RE SAYING, YOU KNOW, THIS

IS THE FIRST GAY COW BOY

MOVIE.

NOT SO.

>> Paul: REALLY?

>> Dave: NOT SO.

THIS IS NOT THE FIRST GAY COW

BOY MOVIE.

TAKE A LOOK.

>>.

>> OVER HERE.

WE GOT A LOT OF CATTLE HERE ON

THE PONDEROSA.

WE'D BE IN TROUBLE.

>> I KNOW THAT.

>> THE NEXT TIME YOU JUST GO

AROUND.

YOU HEAR?

>> Dave: BONANZA.

I DID NOT KNOW THAT.

BONANZA.

( APPLAUSE )

LITTLE JOE AND HOSS.

OKAY.

THAT'S FINE.

ALL RIGHT, PAUL.

THAT'S FINE.

AND NOW... ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

OKAY.

>> Paul: SO CHEAP.