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  • WITH US TONIGHT, LADIES AND

  • GENTLEMEN.

  • ( APPLAUSE )

  • VERY FUNNY.

  • IF I WOULD JUST TAKE A SECOND

  • HERE, I WANT TO SHOW YOU

  • SOMETHING.

  • I DON'T THINK YOU'VE SEEN

  • THIS.

  • MAYBE YOU HAVE.

  • I WANT TO GIVE YOU THE KIND OF

  • HANDICAP I'M WORKING WITH HERE

  • TONIGHT.

  • I'M JUST GOING TO SHOW IT TO

  • YOU NOW.

  • IF YOU'RE SENSITIVE OR HAVE A

  • HYPER SENSITIVITY THEN YOU

  • SHOULD LEAVE THE ROOM

  • IMMEDIATELY.

  • LIKE YOU ALREADY HAVEN'T?

  • ALL RIGHT.

  • BRING THAT RIGHT IN HERE.

  • CAN YOU BRING IT RIGHT IN

  • HERE.

  • BRING IT RIGHT IN HERE.

  • >> Paul: WHAT HAVE WE GOT

  • HERE?

  • OH, MY GOODNESS.

  • WHAT IS THAT?

  • THAT IS A GASH WITH STITCHES

  • IN IT?

  • HOW DID YOU GET THAT?

  • >> Dave: I DON'T WANT TO BORE

  • YOU WITH THE ENTIRE STORY BUT

  • IT STARTED BY ME SAYING AS IT

  • ALWAYS DOES, "OH, I CAN FIX

  • THAT."

  • ( APPLAUSE )

  • FOUR STITCHES.

  • IT IS DEEP.

  • LOOK AT HOW DEEP THAT THING

  • WAS.

  • IT WAS JUST WIDE OPEN.

  • IT WAS LIKE WATCHING THROUGH

  • THE MEAT CASE AT THE....

  • >> Paul: AT GALLAGHER'S.

  • >> Dave: YEAH, AT GALLAGHER'S.

  • LOOK, I WANT YOU TO NOTICE

  • THERE'S NO INFECTION.

  • IT'S NOT RED.

  • IT'S NOT THROBBING.

  • IT'S A NICE, CLEAN JOB.

  • EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE

  • FINE.

  • >> Paul: IT'S A DOUBLE GASH

  • THERE.

  • A DOUBLE GASH.

  • WERE YOU WORKING WITH A TRACK

  • 2 RAZOR?

  • >> Dave: I HAD A THING.

  • IT WAS LIKE A PARING KNIFE.

  • THIS IS WHY I KNOW CERTAIN

  • ELEMENTS OF MY FAMILY ARE

  • TRYING TO KILL ME.

  • BECAUSE THE KNIVES OR AS WE

  • SAY AT THE HOUSE THE CUTLERY

  • HAD BEEN SHARPENED.

  • THEY TAKE IT OUT SOME PLACE.

  • THEY GET IT SUPER SHARPENED.

  • THEN IT WAS RETURNED TO THE

  • HOUSE.

  • NOBODY BOTHERED TO TELL DADDY.

  • "DON'T TELL DADDY."

  • SO I WAS MONKEYING WITH THE

  • THING.

  • I THOUGHT I COULD FIX IT.

  • THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW, ZOOM,.

  • >> Paul: RIGHT IN THERE.

  • >> Dave: HOW ABOUT THAT?

  • WHO ELSE DO YOU KNOW ON

  • TELEVISION RIGHT NOW HAS A

  • STITCH WOUND THAT'S DOING A

  • SHOW?

  • ANYBODY?

  • NOBODY!

  • ( APPLAUSE )

  • NOBODY!

  • EVER CUT YOURSELF IN THE

  • RUPERT G WITH SOME OF THE HIGH-

  • POWERED MEAT SAWS YOU USE.

  • >> YEAH.

  • >> Dave: WOW.

  • THAT MUST BE A STORY THERE.

  • KIND OF TELLS IT SELF, DOESN'T

  • IT?

  • RUPERT, TELL PEOPLE WHY YOU

  • HAVE THAT BEAUTIFUL FESTIVE

  • HOLIDAY SWEATER ON TONIGHT.

  • >> WHY?

  • WELL, I HAVE SOMETHING

  • UNDERNEATH THE SWEATER.

  • THE CONTESTANT WHO I'M GOING

  • TO PICK LATER IS SUPPOSED TO

  • TOUCH IT RIGHT HERE.

  • >> Dave: YOU'VE BEEN IN

  • TROUBLE FOR THAT BEFORE,

  • HAVEN'T YOU, RUPERT?

  • WOULD YOU LIKE TO STEP IN AND

  • TOUCH THE BULGE.

  • IN ESSENCE THEY'LL JUST GROPE

  • YOU.

  • THEY'LL GET 30 SECONDS TO

  • GROPE YOU TO TRY AND DETERMINE

  • WHAT ITEM IS UNDER THE HOLIDAY

  • SWEATER.

  • IS THAT CORRECT?

  • >> THAT'S CORRECT, DAVE.

  • >> Dave: DO ME A FAVOR.

  • BOY, I COULD GO FOR A KITKAT.

  • HE'S DOING SOME SCHTICK.

  • I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING,

  • LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HOW MANY

  • OF YOU FOLKS HAVE SEEN THE GAY

  • COW BOY MOVIE?

  • (NO APPLAUSE)

  • >> Paul: DON'T ASK, DON'T

  • TELL.

  • THAT'S WHAT THAT IS ABOUT.

  • >> Dave: IT'S A TREMENDOUS

  • MOVIE.

  • IT'S THIS ANG LEE, GRITTY AND

  • BEAUTIFULLY DONE AND A TENDER

  • LOVE STORY.

  • HERE'S WHAT HAPPENS.

  • THE COWBOYS GET UP BRIGHT AND

  • EARLY.

  • THEY DO ALL THEIR RANCH WORK

  • AND SADDLE UP AND THEY GO OUT

  • AND RUSTLE UP THE CATTLE AND

  • BRAND THEM AND ROPE THEM.

  • THEY CHASE DOWN THE LITTLE

  • DOGGIES.

  • AT THE END OF THE DAY THEY

  • COME BACK TO THE BUNK HOUSE

  • AND SIT ON THEIR BUNKS AND

  • THEY KISS.

  • THAT'S THE MOVIE.

  • >> Paul: I'M NOT SURE... GO

  • AHEAD.

  • >> Dave: THAT IS THE MOVIE.

  • THAT'S RIGHT.

  • IF YOU ENJOY WATCHING MEN KISS,

  • THIS IS THE MOVIE FOR YOU.

  • REALLY, IT IS.

  • PEOPLE ARE ALL EXCITED BECAUSE

  • THEY'RE SAYING, YOU KNOW, THIS

  • IS THE FIRST GAY COW BOY

  • MOVIE.

  • NOT SO.

  • >> Paul: REALLY?

  • >> Dave: NOT SO.

  • THIS IS NOT THE FIRST GAY COW

  • BOY MOVIE.

  • TAKE A LOOK.

  • >>.

  • >> OVER HERE.

  • WE GOT A LOT OF CATTLE HERE ON

  • THE PONDEROSA.

  • WE'D BE IN TROUBLE.

  • >> I KNOW THAT.

  • >> THE NEXT TIME YOU JUST GO

  • AROUND.

  • YOU HEAR?

  • >> Dave: BONANZA.

  • I DID NOT KNOW THAT.

  • BONANZA.

  • ( APPLAUSE )

  • LITTLE JOE AND HOSS.

  • OKAY.

  • THAT'S FINE.

  • ALL RIGHT, PAUL.

  • THAT'S FINE.

  • AND NOW... ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

  • OKAY.

  • >> Paul: SO CHEAP.

  • >> Dave: THANK YOU.

  • WE DON'T HAVE TIME TO MESS

  • AROUND.

  • WE GO RIGHT TO WORK.

  • LET'S GO BACK INTO RUPERT'S TO

  • PLAY WHAT'S UNDER THE HOLIDAY

  • SWEATER.

  • COME ON TELL OUR

  • HOME VIEWERS WHAT THE SECRET

  • ITEM IS TONIGHT.

  • >> DAVE, IT'S A SUBWAY TOASTED

  • CHICKEN PARMESAN SUB.

  • >> Dave: OKAY.

  • RUPERT, CAN YOU COME OUT FROM

  • BEHIND THE THING THERE SO SHE

  • CAN GET A GOOD GRIP ON YOU.

  • ALAN, WHAT ARE WE PLAYING FOR.

  • >> DAVE IT'S A WATER PICK

  • SHOWER HEAD.

  • >> Dave: TRACY, YOU HAVE 30

  • SECONDS.

  • WE'RE GOING TO PUT UP THE

  • CLOCK TO IDENTIFY BY GROPING

  • RUPERT, TELL US WHAT IS UNDER

  • THE FESTIVE HOLIDAY SWEATER.

  • ARE YOU READY?

  • >> I GUESS SO.

  • >> Dave: START THE CLOCK AND

  • GO CRAZY.

  • HERE WE ARE.

  • >> I JUST START FEELING?

  • >> Dave: YEAH.

  • YOU SHOULD SEE YOUR INTERNIST,

  • RUPERT.

  • >> IT'S SQUISHY.

  • >> Dave: YOU HAVE 15 SECONDS

  • LEFT.

  • >> OUCH!

  • >> Dave: OKAY.

  • FIVE SECONDS, TRACY.

  • >> MEAT.

  • >> Dave: ALL RIGHT.

  • THERE IS THE TIME.

  • I'M GOING TO HAVE TO CALL FOR

  • YOUR ANSWER.

  • WHAT IS UNDERSTAND RUPERT'S

  • FESTIVE HOLIDAY SWEATER.

  • >> SOME TYPE OF MEAT.

  • >> Dave: LET ME TALK TO THE

  • JUDGES.

  • I'M GOING TO GIVE IT TO HER

  • BECAUSE IT'S THE HOLIDAYS.

  • CONGRATULATIONS, TRACY.

  • YOU ARE THE WINNER.

  • RUPERT, SHOW HER WHAT THE

  • SECRET ITEM IS AND WAS.

  • IT'S A SUBMARINE SANDWICH FROM

  • SUBWAY.

  • CHICKEN PARMESAN SUB.

  • THERE YOU GO.

  • ALL RIGHT.

  • HERE WE GO.

  • TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE A GAY COW

  • BOY.

  • >> Dave: YOU LIKE GREAT.

  • BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE I'VE

  • SEEN YOU.

  • HAS IT BEEN.

  • >> IT WASN'T INTENTIONAL ON MY

  • PART.

  • >> Dave: YOU'VE BEEN VERY

  • BUSY.

  • >> NOR ON YOURS.

  • >> Dave: WE'D LIKE TO HAVE YOU

  • HERE EVERY NIGHT.

  • YOU LOOK REALLY....

  • >> SURE.

  • ONCE I PUT THE BABY TO BED I'M

  • ALL YOURS, DAVE.

  • >> Dave: GOOD NEWS FOR DAD.

  • TELL ME ABOUT YOUR HAIR.

  • IT'S BRUNETTE NOW, ISN'T IT?

  • >> YES, IT'S AT LAST MY

  • NATURAL COLOR.

  • >> Dave: BEAUTIFUL.

  • >> AS MATTHEW SAID, AS GOD

  • INTENDED.

  • >> Dave: VERY NICE.

  • >> THANK YOU.

  • >> Dave: YOU JUST DECIDED TO

  • DO THIS.

  • IS THERE A REASON FOR IT?

  • >> IT WASN'T ANYTHING LIKE A

  • LOT OF, YOU KNOW, LABOROUS

  • THINKING WENT INTO IT.

  • I DON'T KNOW.

  • I JUST THOUGHT I'LL LET IT

  • GROW OUT.

  • MAYBE I'LL APPEAR MORE

  • SUBSTANTIAL OR I'LL BE TAKEN

  • MORE SERIOUSLY.

  • I DON'T KNOW.

  • I DON'T KNOW WHY, MAN.

  • >> Dave: IT LOOKS NICE.

  • VERY NICE.

  • WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME IT WAS

  • THE ORIGINAL COLOR?

  • >> MAYBE ON THE TIME OF A

  • LITTLE SHOW CALLED SQUARE

  • PEGS.

  • I LIKE TAKING WALKS, YOU KNOW,

  • LITTLE WALKS DOWN MEMORY LANE.

  • >> Dave: WHO DOESN'T, FOR

  • HEAVEN'S SAKE?

  • YOU COULDN'T LOOK LOVELIER.

  • >> THANK YOU.

  • >> Dave: BY THE WAY HOW IS

  • YOUR LITTLE SON.

  • >> DIVINE.

  • HOW IS YOUR LITTLE SON.

  • >> Dave: VERY NICE.

  • YOUR BOY IS THREE OR SOMETHING,

  • RIGHT?

  • >> I THINK HE'S MAYBE A

  • HE'S CHALLENGING ANDHILARIOUS

  • AND HE'S VERY OBSESSED RIGHT

  • NOW WITH THE BEATLES.

  • HE THINKS ABOUT THE BEATLES A

  • LOT.

  • WHO HE'D LIKE TO BE AND WHY

  • CERTAIN THINGS HAPPEN DURING

  • THE COURSE OF THE YELLOW

  • SUBMARINE.

  • YOU KNOW, WHY DO PEOPLE TURN

  • INTO STATUES.

  • THAT'S PRETTY MUCH WHAT HE

  • THINKS ABOUT.

  • HE DRESSES LIKE A BEATLES.

  • >> Dave: IS THIS BECAUSE OF

  • THE CARTOON, THE YELLOW

  • SUBMARINE?

  • >> I TUGHT IT WOULD BE A

  • MILD DIVERSION.

  • IT'S FAIRLY OKAY THING.

  • YOU DON'T WANT TO, YOU KNOW,

  • USE THE TELEVISION AS A

  • BABY-SITTER.

  • >> Dave: WAIT A MINUTE.

  • WHY NOT?

  • I'D HAVE NOBODY WATCHING IF IT

  • WEREN'T FOR THAT.

  • ( APPLAUSE )

  • >> ANYWAY, YEAH, SO HE WATCHED

  • THE YELLOW SUBMARINE, THE

  • ANIMATED.

  • THAT REALLY KIND OF

  • REVOLUTIONARY AND I...

  • ANIMATION WHICH IS AMAZING TO

  • SEE.

  • HE REALLY BECAME OBSESSED

  • WHICH WAS REALLY THE TIMING

  • WAS REALLY FORTUITOUS BECAUSE

  • HE WAS ABOUT TO START SCHOOL.

  • HE WOULD ONLY WEAR PAJAMAS FOR

  • THE LAST EIGHT MONTHS PRIOR TO

  • STARTING SCHOOL.

  • I SAID IT'S COOL.

  • LESSER MEN HAVE DONE IT.

  • AND IT WORKED.

  • OUT IN THE WORLD I THOUGHT IT

  • WAS TOTALLY ACCEPTABLE BUT

  • ACTUALLY IT TOOK HIM TO GET

  • HIS FALL SCHOOL SHOES THIS

  • YEAR AND I TOOK HIM TO A

  • PRETTY LARGE TRADITIONAL

  • CHILDREN'S SHOE STORE.

  • HE WAS WEARING HIS PAJAMAS.

  • IT WAS ABOUT 4:00 IN THE

  • AFTERNOON.

  • JUST NEAR COCKTAIL TIME.

  • AND TWO SIX-YEAR-OLDS STARTED

  • RIDICULING HIM.

  • BUT I SAW IT REGISTER.

  • I MEAN I ACTUALLY SAW BECAUSE

  • HE LOOKED FOR ME TO REASSURE

  • HIM.

  • SO I BROUGHT HIM HOME AND I

  • SAID TO MATTHEW I THINK IT'S

  • TIME FOR THAT CONVERSATION.

  • BASICALLY MATTHEW SAID, LOOK,

  • YOU KNOW, THIS ISN'T ABOUT

  • CONFORMING.

  • WE WANT YOU TO BE, LET YOUR

  • FREE FLAG FLY.

  • >> Dave: LET YOUR FREAK FLAG

  • FLY.

  • >> BUT WE WANT YOU TO KNOW

  • THAT THERE WILL BE CHILDREN IN

  • SCHOOL AND MOST CHILDREN....

  • >> Dave: SMALL MINDED.

  • >> NARROW MINDED LITTLE

  • PEOPLE.

  • AND THEY'LL PROBABLY BE

  • WEARING WHAT'S CONSIDERED

  • STANDARD CLOTHING OPTIONS.

  • OWE AND THE OTHER THING IS HE

  • LIKED GOING COMMANDO

  • FREESTYLE.

  • YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.

  • >> Dave: NO.

  • WHAT ARE YOU... WHAT DO YOU

  • MEAN COMMANDO.

  • >> HE PREFERRED TO BE WITHOUT

  • BRIEFS.

  • HE'S BEEN POTY TRAINED FOR

  • QUITE A WHILE, DAVE.

  • TOOK TO IT.

  • ALL YOU NEED IS A JELLY BEAN.

  • >> Dave: WHERE DO YOU PUT IT?

  • >> ANYWAY... RIGHT WHERE YOU

  • THINK.

  • >> Dave: THIS RAISES A COUPLE

  • INTERESTING QUESTIONS.

  • IF YOU CAN POTY TRAIN HIM

  • SUCCESSFULLY AT AN EARLY AGE,

  • HOW IS IT THAT FOR EIGHT

  • MONTHS YOU WEARS NOTHING BUT

  • PAJAMAS.

  • >> HE SAID THEY ARE

  • PARTICULARLY COMFORTABLE AND

  • THEY DO NOT PRESS ON MY

  • STOMACH AND I COULDN'T ARGUE.

  • IF I HAD MY DRUTHERS, I'D BE

  • IN A HOUSE COAT ALL DAY.

  • I'M SERIOUS.

  • OR A MOO-MOO.

  • SO I REALLY COULDN'T ARGUE

  • WITH HIM HONESTLY BECAUSE I

  • REALLY THOUGHT THIS IS ABOUT

  • HIS INDEPENDENCE, ABOUT HIM

  • ASSERTING HIS OWN EGO AND ALL

  • THAT.

  • YOU KNOW, THE CHILD

  • DEVELOPMENT STUFF THAT YOU

  • READ ABOUT THAT YOU WANT TO

  • ENCOURAGE LIKE THEIR OWN....

  • >> Dave: DON'T WANT TO SQUASH

  • IT.

  • >> DON'T WANT TO SQUASH IT,

  • MAN.

  • I LOVE HIM SO MUCH.

  • IT'S SO IMPOSSIBLE NOT TO

  • INDULGE THOSE PARTICULAR

  • PECULIARS ABOUT HIM WHICH I

  • FIND SO CHARMING.

  • HE REALLY DID LOOK SO GREAT IN

  • PAJAMAS.

  • HIS LITTLE FIGURE.

  • >> Dave: ARE THESE THE PHOTOS.

  • >> THIS IS THE DAY HE

  • DISCOVERED JEANS.

  • I CAME DOWNSTAIRS.

  • HE HAD MOVED INTO ONLY BELL

  • BOTTOMS LIKE RINGO.

  • HE FIRST LIKED RINGO.

  • WE WERE, OH, DEAR.

  • THEN HE MOVED ON TO THE MORE

  • SERIOUS ONES.

  • WE WERE SO RELIEVED.

  • SO HE SAID TO ME ONE DAY HE

  • PREFERS THAT I WEAR JEANS TO A

  • DRESS BECAUSE I THINK HE

  • THINKS A DRESS MEANS I'M GOING

  • OUT.

  • SO HE SAID TO ME, "MA, WHY ARE

  • YOU WEARING JEANS?

  • WHY DO YOU LIKE JEANS?

  • THEY'RE ALL PURPOSE.

  • THEY'RE MADE OF GOOD MATERIAL.

  • THEY'RE EVERY MAN.

  • HE SAID I WOULD LIKE JEANS TOO

  • NOW.

  • I SAID, JAMES, I'VE BEEN

  • WAITING FOR THIS DAY.

  • LET'S GO UP TO YOUR BEDROOM.

  • I HAVE A STACK OF THEM.

  • HE PUT THEM ON.

  • THIS IS HIM POSING IN HIS

  • JEANS.

  • HE'S LITERALLY LIKE THIS IS

  • WHEN HE FIRST SAW IT, THIS IS

  • KIND OF MY FAVORITE BECAUSE HE

  • CAN'T WALK BY ANY REFLECTIVE

  • MATERIAL WITHOUT LOOKING AT

  • HIMSELF.

  • THAT'S THE TAG.

  • HE'S LOOKING AT HIMSELF IN THE

  • GARBAGE CAN.

  • HE WAS ROCKIN'.

  • HE WAS SO DRUNK WITH HIS OWN...

  • HIGH ON HIS OWN....

  • >> Dave: PRESENCE, BEING,

  • ENERGY.

  • >> THEY'RE DARLING.

  • THEY WERE A LITTLE BIG FOR A

  • WHILE BUT THIS IS ABOUT TWO

  • MONTHS AGO.

  • >> Dave: WHEN YOUR HUSBAND WAS

  • HERE A COUPLE OF... ABOUT A

  • MONTH AGO OR WHATEVER IT WAS,

  • HE ALSO DID AN IMPRESSION OF

  • YOUR SON TALKING.

  • YOU HAVE DONE AN IMPRESSION OF

  • YOUR SON TALKING.

  • >> ARE THEY RADICALLY

  • DIFFERENT.

  • >> Dave: THEY'RE PRETTY MUCH A

  • CARBON COPY.

  • HE HAS AN INTERESTING SPEECH

  • PATTERN, DOESN'T HE?

  • >> YEAH.

  • SOMEBODY SAID IT SOUNDS LIKE

  • HE'S FROM A MOVIE IN THE '30s.

  • I SAID THAT'S HOW WE TALK AT

  • HOME.

  • IT WAS A LOVELY EVENING,

  • DARLING.

  • YEAH, HE HAS, I DON'T KNOW,

  • YEAH, HE'S LIKE HE SAYS THINGS

  • LIKE PAPA I WOULD LIKE TO GO

  • FOR AN EVENING STROLL NOW.

  • OR MAMA, I WOULD PREFER IF YOU

  • PUT THAT... PUT YOUR ROBE BACK

  • ON.

  • I'M NOT A BIG FAN OF BROCCOLI.

  • YOU KNOW, HE HAS A FUNNY EAR.

  • BUT IT'S HUMOROUS TO US.

  • I HOPE IT DOESN'T ISOLATE HIM

  • IN SCHOOL LATER LIKE IF YOU

  • SOUNDS LIKE CAGNEY.

  • >> Dave: I THINK IT WAS ABOUT

  • TIME TO GET HIM OUT OF THE

  • PAJAMAS.

  • THAT'S A GOOD MOVE.

  • >> LUCKILY AT NIGHT IT'S STILL

  • TOTALLY OKAY.

  • GOOD FOR YOU.

  • GOOD FOR YOU. THE GUN.

  • >> Dave: NOT ANYTHING LIKE

  • THAT.

  • >> NO.

  • >> Dave: SPEAKING OF THINGS

  • THAT SMELL, EVER SINCE YOU'VE

  • BEEN ON THE SHOW I'VE ALWAYS

  • BEEN TAKEN HOW LOVELY THE

  • FRAGRANCE THAT YOU WAFTS OVER

  • US WHEN YOU ARRIVE.

  • NOW YOU HAVE YOUR OWN, IS THAT

  • RIGHT YOU HAVE YOUR OWN STUFF.

  • >> THAT'S RIGHT.

  • >> Dave: WHAT'S THE NAME OF

  • IT.

  • >> IT'S CALLED LOVELY.

  • >> Dave: VERY NICE.

  • IS IT PERFUME AND OTHER

  • THINGS?

  • >> IT'S FRAG RESIDENCE.

  • THERE'S BODY LOTION AND BUTTER

  • AND A WONDERFUL GIFT FOR THE

  • HOLIDAYS.

  • >> Dave: WHAT WAS THE LAST

  • ONE.

  • >> DON'T PRETEND YOU DON'T

  • KNOW WHAT SHEA BUTTER IS.

  • THAT'S A MORE PENETRATING,

  • DEEPER MORE VISCOSITYY BODY

  • CREAM THAT LEAVES JUST A TOUCH

  • OF SHINE.

  • IT SMELLS REAL NICE.

  • >> Dave: CAN YOU USE THAT ON

  • YOUR BAZOOKA?

  • .

  • OH, GOD.

  • >> THIS IS WHAT IS INTERESTING

  • ABOUT THIS PARTICULAR

  • FRAGRANCE AND ALL THE PRODUCTS

  • THAT ARE A PART OF THE LINE IS

  • YOU CAN USE THEM ON WHATEVER

  • BODY PART YOU WANT.

  • IT'S STILL A FREE COUNTRY,

  • DAVE, DESPITE PEOPLE'S BEST

  • EFFORTS.

  • >> Dave: BUT DOES IT SMELL

  • LIKE YOU SMELL RIGHT NOW?

  • >> YES, I'M WEARING IT AT THIS

  • MOMENT.

  • >> Dave: TREMENDOUS.

  • HOW DID YOU PICK IT OUT?

  • >> IT'S SUBLIMINAL.

  • MAKING SALES.

  • >> Dave: HOW DID YOU MAKE

  • THOSE CHOICES IN.

  • >> I HAD BEEN MAKING A

  • CONCOCTION OF MY OWN FOR A

  • NUMBER OF YEARS.

  • ONE DAY I ACTUALLY SAID TO

  • MATTHEW, "YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE A

  • LITTLE BIT TO DO WITH THIS

  • PARTICULAR FRAGRANCE."

  • I'LL GET TO THAT.

  • ANYWAY SO I WAS MIXING IT AND

  • ONE DAY I SAID TO MATTHEW.

  • I HAD THIS DREAM.

  • I WANTED TO DO A FRAGRANCE.

  • I TOLD MATTHEW.

  • HE WASN'T, YOU KNOW, REALLY

  • OFFENDED BY THE IDEA.

  • HE WAS ACTUALLY QUITE

  • ENCOURAGING.

  • SO I PURSUED IT PROFESSIONALLY

  • OUTSIDE OF MY LABORATORY AT

  • HOME.

  • AND THEB... AND THEN LOW AND

  • BEHOLD WE WERE GOING TO DO A

  • PROPER ANNOUNCEMENT AS THESE

  • THINGS ARE DONE.

  • THEY HAVE A CAMPAIGN AND GREAT

  • THINKING MINDS GET TOGETHER

  • AND DECIDE, YOU KNOW, THERE'S

  • A SYSTEM.

  • I WAS WATCHING YOUR SHOW ONE

  • NIGHT WHEN MY HUSBAND WAS ON.

  • I WATCH IT EVERY NIGHT.

  • I DO.

  • AND I WAS SWEEPING IN A HOUSE

  • COAT.

  • AND YOU VERY KINDLY ASKED

  • ABOUT MY, YOU KNOW, HOW I WAS

  • DOING.

  • POLITE.

  • HE MENTIONED THAT I WAS

  • CREATING A FRAG RESIDENCE

  • WHICH WAS TOP SECRET.

  • FRANKLY I NEVER THINK THAT HE

  • HEARS ANYTHING I TELL HIM.

  • I PROBABLY AM VERY

  • UNINTERESTING BUT JUST

  • TRADITIONALLY MEN DON'T LISTEN

  • TO THEIR WIVES.

  • WHY SHOULD THEY.

  • >> Dave: WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHY

  • SHOULD THEY?

  • >> WE GO ON AND ON AND ON.

  • >> Dave: LOOK AT THAT.

  • THAT'S LOOFLY.

  • THAT'S GORGEOUS.

  • IT IS EGG SHAPED ISN'T IT.

  • >> IT IS EGG SHAPED.

  • THERE WERE SOME JOKES ABOUT IT

  • BEING EGG SHAPED.

  • THEN I JUST KEPT SCREAMING NO

  • AT THE TELEVISION.

  • IT WAS LIKE A NIGHTMARE.

  • ANYWAY... CAREFUL.

  • >> Dave: THAT'S IT.

  • THAT'S GOOD.

  • >> YOU'RE ONLY GETTING THE

  • HIGH NOTES.

  • I WANTED THIS FRAG RESIDENCE

  • TOS LEAVE YOU WANTING MORE AS

  • OPPOSED TO WISHING YOU HAD

  • LESS.

  • >> Dave: BELIEVE ME, I DO WANT

  • MORE.

  • PERFECT NAME FOR THE

  • FRAGRANCE.

  • A LOVELY WOMAN.

  • VERY NICE.

  • >> Paul: LOVELY, LOVELY.

  • >> Dave: I WANTED TO SHOW HER

  • THIS.

  • >> Paul: WOMEN LOVE THAT.

  • >> Dave: EARLIER TONIGHT ALAN

  • COLTER OUR ANNOUNCER SAID DAVE

  • YOU HAVE EXTRA TIME TONIGHT.

  • I HAVE SOMETHING I WOULD LIKE

  • TO DO FOR THE SHOW.

  • AS A MATTER OF FACT, WE ARE

  • RUNNING A LITTLE EARLY TONIGHT

  • SO WE HAVE SOME TIME.

  • SO, ALAN, WHATEVER IT IS

  • YOU'RE UP TO.

  • TAKE IT AWAY.

  • IT'S ALL YOURS.

  • ENJOY YOURSELF.

  • >> YOU MISERABLE, VINDICTIVE

  • BASTARD.

  • >> Dave: EXCUSE ME?

  • I'M SORRY.

  • >> DON'T PLAY DUMB WITH ME,

  • OLD MAN.

  • YOU KNEW WE WERE SUPPOSED TO

  • DO ANOTHER EDITION OF ALAN

  • COLTER'S CELEBRITY TONIGHT.

  • HERE, LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO

  • MY EXCLUSIVE GUEST?

  • HAVE YOU MET SARAH JESSICA

  • PARKER?

  • ( APPLAUSE )

  • THAT'S RIGHT.

  • THAT'S RIGHT.

  • YOU JUST STOLE HER.

  • SO YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO

  • INTERVIEW JIM (BEEP) BLUCHY

  • FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME.

  • >> Dave: I'M SORRY.

  • ( APPLAUSE )

  • I'M SORRY, ALAN.

  • >> YEAH, I'M SORRY, ALAN.

  • LOOK AT HER.

  • LOOK AT HER.

  • I'M SURPRISED SHE'S STILL

  • CONSCIOUS AFTER SITTING THERE

  • LOOKING LISTENING TO YOUR

  • BORING BULL (BEEP) FOR TEN

  • MINUTES.

  • IT'S BAD ENOUGH YOU COME IN

  • HERE EVERYDAY.

  • YOU MAKE YOUR STAFF MISERABLE

  • BUT ONLY A GRADE-AASS WOULD

  • DRAG HER INTO IT.

  • AM I RIGHT, SARAH?

  • AM I RIGHT?

  • >> I'M UNCOMFORTABLE.

  • >> WELL, WELL, OF COURSE

  • YOU'RE UNCOMFORTABLE.

  • WE ALL ARE WORKING WITH THAT

  • MISERABLE LYING (BEEP).

  • >> Dave: WOW.

  • MY GOD!

  • PAUL, WASN'T THERE SUPPOSED TO

  • BE MUSIC WHEN HE WALKED OFF

  • LIKE THAT?

  • SHOULDN'T WE HAVE HAD SOME

  • MUSIC I THOUGHT THERE WAS

  • THERE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MUSIC.

  • >> Paul: NO THERE WASN'T

  • SUPPOSED TO BE ANY MUSIC THE

  • DUMB SON OF A BITCH.

  • WHY DON'T YOU GET YOUR LAZY

  • ASS DOWN TO A REHEARSAL ONCE

  • IN A WHILE AND YOU'D KNOW WHAT

  • WAS GOING ON ON THIS (BEEP).

  • WHAT ARE YOU DOING ALL DAY?

  • COUNTING YOUR RESIDUALS FROM

  • EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND

  • SYNDICATED VERSION.

  • I'M SICK OF THIS BULL (BEEP).

  • I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE.

  • WHAT A DUMB ASS (BEEP) LIKE

  • YOU.

  • >> Dave: OH.

  • ALL RIGHT.

  • OKAY.

  • WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH

  • IN THAT BOW TIE THOUGH.

  • THEN YOU'D HAVE SOMETHING.

  • JOHN, YOU'VE BEEN BUSY MAKING

  • >> WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A

  • MINUTE.

  • IS THIS THE SEAT THAT OPRAH

  • SAT IN?

  • >> Dave: YES.

  • >> OH.

  • I FEEL HER ESSENCE.

  • YOU KNOW, I'VE GOT TO QUESTION

  • OPRAH.

  • WHEN I SAW HER ON YOUR SHOW, I

  • GOT A CRUSH ON HER.

  • I USED TO HAVE A CRUSH ON

  • CONDOLEEZZA RICE.

  • >> Dave: IS THAT RIGHT?

  • >> I GOT GRAVY FOR THAT RICE.

  • UNCLE BEN'S RICE.

  • BUT I LOVE... WHEN I SAW OPRAH,

  • SHE SAT HERE WITH THAT BROWN

  • DRESS ON AND THAT... THE

  • BUTTER WAS ON HER LEGS, THAT

  • GIRL THAT WAS JUST HERE.

  • >> Dave: EASY.

  • >> I MEAN, MY HEART STARTED

  • PALPATATING WHEN I SAW HER.

  • SHE HAD THAT BUTTERED LOOK.

  • SHE'S A BILLIONAIREESS.

  • LOOK AT MY LIPS WHEN I SAY

  • THAT, DAVE BILLIONAIREESS.

  • I'M JUST A MULTITHOUSANDAIRE.

  • WATCH WHEN I SAY THIS NOW.

  • MULTITHOUSANDAIRE.

  • THEY LOOK THE SAME BUT DON'T

  • SOUND THE SAME.

  • >> Dave: A WHOLE DIFFERENT

  • DEAL.

  • >> I'M SOR

  • DON'T MAKE ME WHOOP YOUR BUTT.

  • WHY WOULD ANYBODY CURSING YOU

  • OUT BEFORE I GOT ON THE SHOW?

  • >> Dave: WE HAD SOME STAFF

  • MORALE HAS NEVER BEEN LOWER.

  • >> WHEN I WAS IN THE BACK,

  • SOMEBODY CURSED ME OUT.

  • >> Dave: I DON'T KNOW.

  • >> THEY SAID GET YOUR BLACK

  • ASS OUT ON STAGE.

  • >> Dave: I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY

  • WOULD HAVE SAID THAT.

  • >> WHAT'S GOING ON HERE.

  • >> Paul: THAT WAS BIFF.

  • >> Dave: WE'VE HAD SOME

  • TROUBLE.

  • >> WHAT IS GOING ON AROUND

  • HERE.

  • >> Dave: INTERNAL PROBLEMS.

  • >> I'VE BEEN HERE ABOUT 30

  • YEARS.

  • I NEVER HEARD THAT BEFORE.

  • >> Dave: ANYWAY, THE BOONDOCKS,

  • SUNDAYS AT 11:00....

  • >> 11:00 P.M. ON THE BOONDOCKS

  • ON CARTOON NETWORK.

  • >> Dave: CARTOON NETWORK 11:00

  • P.M..

  • >> IT'S ADULT CARTOONS.

WITH US TONIGHT, LADIES AND

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