>> Stephen: I DON'T WANT TO BRAG HERE BUT IT IS THE TRUTH.

I WAS ON THE GRAMMYS LAST NIGHT INTRODUCING MY GOOD

FRIENDS IN THE CAST OF "HAMILTON," WHICH AT THIS POINT

IS THE ONLY WAY TO GET TICKETS TO "HAMILTON."

BUT CONGRATS TO THEM ON THEIR WIN, AS WELL AS FRIEND OF THE

SHOW KENDRICK LAMAR, WHO SWEPT THE RAP CATEGORIES.

AND CONGRATS ALSO TO MY SOON-TO-BE FRIEND TAYLOR SWIFT

ON HER SECOND ALBUM OF THE YEAR WIN.

EVERYONE WAS THERE AT THE CEREMONIES LAST NIGHT WITH ONE

BIG EXCEPTION.

KANYE WEST WAS A NO-SHOW AT THE CEREMONY AFTER THREATENING TO

BOYCOTT THE GRAMMY AWARDS UNLESS HE WON ALBUM OF THE YEAR,

DESPITE NOT BEING NOMINATED.

FOR ALBUM OF THE YEAR.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

SAME REASON HE REFUSES TO ATTEND THE WESTMINSTER DOG SHOW.

BUT LOOK AT THAT SILKY COAT.

BUT KANYE'S ABSENCE WAS FELT, BECAUSE THE ACTUAL ALBUM OF THE

YEAR WINNER TAY-TAY-- HAD SOME HARSH WORDS FOR YEEZY

AFTERHE RAPPED IN HIS NEW SONG "FAMOUS."

" I FEEL LIKE ME AND TAYLOR MIGHT STILL HAVE SEX.

WHY?

I MADE THAT "B" FAMOUS."

KANYE, I HAVE A FEELING THE ODDS OF YOU HAVING SEX WITH TAYLOR

SWIFT ARE ABOUT THE SAME AS WINNING A GRAMMY YOU WEREN'T

NOMINATED FOR.

HANDSOME COUPLE, THOUGH.

AND TAY-TAY MADE THAT CLEAR IN HER ACCEPTANCE SPEECH.

>> THERE ARE GOING TO BE PEOPLE ALONG THE WAY WHO WILL TRY TO

UNDERCUT YOUR SUCCESS OR TAKE CREDIT FOR YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS

OR YOUR FAME.

YOU WILL LOOK AROUND, AND YOU WILL KNOW THAT IT WAS YOU AND

THE PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU WHO PUT YOU THERE.

>> Stephen: NOTICE THAT SHE DIDN'T MENTION KANYE BY NAME

BECAUSE, LIKE CANDYMAN, IF YOU SAY HIS NAME OUT LOUD ON A

STAGE, HE WILL SUDDENLY APPEAR AND KILL YOUR JOY.

( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS )

BUT KANYE'S GOT BIGGER PROBLEMS THAN GRAMMYS HE WASN'T NOMINATED

FOR BECAUSE THE RAPPER/MOGUL/VISIONARY TODDLE

( LAUGHTER ) TOOK TO TWITTER TO ANNOUNCE TO

HIS FOLLOWERS, "I WRITE THIS TO YOU, MY BROTHERS, WHILE STILL

$53 MILLION IN PERSONAL DEBT.

PLEASE PRAY WE OVERCOME."

YES, YEEZY OWES FIFTY-THREEZY MILLION DEEZIES.

BUT HE SHALL OVERCOME.

AFTER ALL, I BELIEVE IT WAS MARTIN LUTHER KING WHO SAID,

"PLEASE GIVE ME $53 MILLION."

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

JUST AS TRUE TODAY.

JUST AS TRUE TODAY.

BUT KANYE'S GOT A PLAN TO GET EVERYTHING BACK ON TRACK,

BECAUSE AFTER TWEETING THAT HE WAS $53 MILLION IN DEBT, HE

TWEETED, "MARK ZUCKERBERG INVEST $1 BILLION INTO KANYE WEST

IDEAS."

BRILLIANT!

I CAN'T THINK OF A BETTER WAY TO REACH OUT TO THE FOUNDER OF

FACEBOOK THAN THE ONE PLACE HE'S SURE TO LOOK.

TWITTER.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

( CHEERS ) YEAH.

MAKES SENSE.

THE TWEET-A-THON KEPT GOING FROM THERE, WITH KANYE PLEADING,

"I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH RESOURCES TO CREATE WHAT I REALLY

CAN."

"MARK, I AM PUBLICLY ASKING YOU FOR HELP,"

AND "HEY, GOOGLE'S LARRY PAGE, I'M DOWN FOR YOUR HELP, TOO."

SEE?

KANYE'S NOT PROUD.

HE'LL ACCEPT A BILLION DOLLARS FROM ANYONE.

AND KANYE HAS A PLAN FOR THE CASH.

HE TWEETED OUT THIS-- DO I HAVE IT HERE?

YES.

THIS ACTUAL ORG CHART FOR HIS CREATIVE COMPANY,

DONDA, TO SHOW EXACTLY WHERE THAT BILLION DOLLARS IS GOING.

AND IT'S AS AMBITIOUS AS IT IS VAGUE, WITH CATEGORIES LIKE

"HOME," WHICH PROMISES VISIONARY INNOVATIONS IN HOLOGRAMS,

HOVERCRAFTS, AND SOMETHING CALLED A "7-SCREEN MOVIE"

EXPERIENCE, WHICH WILL FINALLY ALLOW ME TO

WATCH ALL SEVEN "FAST AND FURIOUS" MOVIES AT THE SAME

TIME.

DOESN'T HURT THE PLOT.

DOESN'T-- WHOA.

YEAH!

AND KANYE HAS COME UP WITH A TECH BREAKTHROUGH THE WORLD

CAN'T WAIT FOR: EMOTICON AUTO CORRECT.

I ACTUALLY NEED THIS.

LONG-IME FANS OF MY FACE KNOW I WEAR GLASSES, AND THE WORSE MY

EYESIGHT GETS, THE HARDER IT IS TO TELL THOSE LITTLE EMOJIS

APART.

SO FOR SEVERAL MONTHS-- AND THIS IS TRUE-- WHENEVER SOMEONE

TEXTED ME SOME BAD NEWS, INSTEAD OF SENDING THE CRYING EMOJI, I

WOULD ACCIDENTALLY SEND THE "LAUGHING SO HARD THAT I'M

CRYING" EMOJI.

THIS IS TRUE.

THIS HAPPENED.

UNTIL IT WAS POINTED OUT TO ME WHAT I WAS DOING.

SO I JUST WANT TO TAKE A SECOND TO SAY TO ANY OF MY FRIENDS

WHOSE PETS DIED OR WHO ARE GOING THROUGH A DIVORCE, YOUR TRAGEDY

IS NOT HILARIOUS TO ME.

AND I LOVE THIS ORG CHART.

IT'S LIKE AN EIGHT-YEAR-OLD IMAGINING THEIR DREAM TREEHOUSE.

JSUT THINK ABOUT THE IDEAS KANYE COULDN'T FIT.

INVISIBLE UNICYCLES?

SHARKS THAT PLAY BASKETBALL?

HE GAVE US A CLUE ON TWITTER WHEN HE SAID

"IMA FIX WOLVES."

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

NOW, THIS MIGHT BE ABOUT HIS NEW SONG "WOLVES," BUT WE CAN'T RULE

OUT THAT HE'S ACTUALLY UPGRADING WOLVES, POSSIBLY BY GIVING THEM

WINGS AND A DIAMOND-ENCRUSTED HEAD.

THE POINT IS, KANYE NEEDS A BILLION DOLLARS TO MAKE ALL OF

THIS A REALITY.

AND YOU TECH BILLIONAIRES HAVE MADE FORTUNES OFF IDEAS THAT

KANYE WEST COULD HAVE THOUGHT OF EVENTUALLY.

I MEAN, ELON MUSK, YOU KNOW KANYE WOULD'VE COME UP WITH

TESLA.

IT'S RIGHT THERE ON THE ORG CHART.

"CARS."

BOOM.

SO, BILLIONAIRES, IT'S TIME TO DO WHAT'S RIGHT FOR THE LITTLE

GUY.

AFTER ALL, AS KANYE ACTUAL HE TWEETED:

"YOU'D RATHER OPEN UP ONE SCHOOL IN AFRICA LIKE YOU REALLY HELPED

THE COUNTRY."

"IF YOU WANT TO HELP, HELP ME."

SO LET'S STOP SELFISHLY HELPING THE COUNTRY OF AFRICA AND START

HELPING KANYE WEST.

BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GET ONE OF HIS COOL NEW

WOLVES.