Subtitles section Play video Print subtitles FIRST OF ALL, I'M VERY EXCITED THAT JON BATISTE LOOKS LIKE HUMPHREY BOGART TONIGHT. YOU'RE LOOKING GOOD. HERE'S LOOKING AT YOU, KID. FANTASTIC. YOU'RE READY FOR A TROPICAL VACATION OVER THERE. >> Jon: OH, YES, INDEED. WE'VE GOT A COUPLE MORE DAYS. >> Stephen: WE DO, WE DO. WE HAVE TO STAY FOCUSED. >> Jon: WE'RE IN IT RIGHT NOW. WE'RE FOCUSING IN, WE'RE FOCUSING IN ON THE TARGET. >> Stephen: THE TARGET BEING DOING THE SHOW THE NEXT HOUR? >> Jon: DOING THE SHOW AND PLAYING JAZZ FOR ME ON THIS SIDE. >> Stephen: FOR ME I'M JUST GOING TO DO THE SHOW. COMEDY. >> Jon: JAZZ. >> Stephen: TINKLE, TINKLE. ONE OF THE REASONS I'M VERY EXCITED WE'VE GOT COMING UP, OUR OLD FRIEND TOM BROKAW WILL BE OUT HERE. ( APPLAUSE ) TOM AND I VEHICLE FRIENDS FOR YEARS. IT'S AN HONOR TO KNOW HIM. IT'S AMAZING I GOT TO KNOW THIS GUY. HE'S ON ANOTHER NETWORK THEY CANNOT NAME THAT HAS GOT THE OLYMPICS AND I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO TALKING TO HIM ABOUT THOSE GAMES BECAUSE I AM PUMPED FOR THE REAL GAMES. THEY ARE LESS THAN TWO MONTHS AWAY OR NEVER. BECAUSE JUST YESTERDAY, RIO'S ACTING GOVERNOR WARNED THE OLYMPICS COULD BE A "BIG FAILURE," WHICH IS ACTUALLY AN IMPROVEMENT, BECAUSE UNTIL YESTERDAY, IT LOOKED LIKE A MASSIVE CATASTROPHE. THE OLYMPICS ARE IN REAL TROUBLE. MANY OF THE VENUES ARE STILL UNFINISHED, POSSIBLY BECAUSE MORE THAN $10 BILLION IN CONSTRUCTION CONTRACTS WENT TO JUST FIVE FIRMS, ALL OF WHICH ARE CURRENTLY UNDER INVESTIGATION FOR PRICE FIXING AND KICKBACKS. THAT HAS ALREADY LED TO TOP EXECUTIVES BEING JAILED OR CHARGED. THOUGH ON THE PLUS SIDE, FOR THOSE EXECUTIVES, THE PRISONS WON'T BE COMPLETED UNTIL 2036. ( APPLAUSE ) PLUS, BRAZIL HAS ONE OF THE HIGHEST VIOLENT CRIME RATES IN THE WORLD, WHICH LED RIVALDO, A FORMER MEMBER OF BRAZIL'S OLYMPIC SOCCER TEAM, TO WARN TOURISTS TO "STAY IN THEIR COUNTRY OF ORIGIN" BECAUSE "HERE YOU WILL BE RUNNING THE RISK OF YOUR LIFE," LEADING TO BRAZIL'S NEWEST TOURIST SLOGAN, "BRAZIL: COME FOR THE SPORT, STAY BECAUSE YOU'RE DEAD." ( LAUGHTER ) BUT EXPERTS DON'T EXPECT AN INCREASE IN ARRESTS DURING THE OLYMPICS, IN PART BECAUSE "POLICE PATROLS MAY GRIND TO A HALT BECAUSE THEY CAN'T AFFORD TO BUY FUEL." THOUGH, WITH ANY LUCK, THE PROBLEM WILL SOLVE ITSELF WHEN THE CARS ARE STOLEN. THESE BUDGET SHORTFALLS LED FIRST RESPONDERS TO STAGE PROTESTS ALL OVER RIO YESTERDAY, INCLUDING ONE AT THE AIRPORT WHERE POLICE HELD A SIGN THAT READ, "WELCOME TO HELL." YES, HELL. EXPLAINS WHY THEY'RE CHANGING THE OLYMPIC LOGO FROM THREE PEOPLE HOLDING HANDS TO TWO GUYS MUGGING THE OTHER GUY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT CORRUPTION AND CRIME AREN'T THE ONLY THINGS PLAGUING THE OLYMPICS. THERE'S ALSO ACTUAL PLAGUE BECAUSE FEAR OVER THE ZIKA VIRUS, WHICH CAN CAUSE BIRTH DEFECTS, HAS LED SOME ATHLETES TO STAY HOME AND OTHERS TO TAKE SPECIAL PRECAUTIONS, LIKE FREEZING THEIR SPERM. (KNOCKING) "WHAT'S GOING ON IN THERE?" "DON'T OPEN THE DOOR. I'M TRAINING FOR THE OLYMPICS!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) "YOU'RE TRAINING ALL THE TIME." OF COURSE, ATHLETES COULD ALWAYS HIDE FROM MOSQUITOES UNDERWATER. BUT I WOULDN'T RECOMMEND GUANABARA BAY, WHERE THE BOATING EVENTS WILL BE HELD, BECAUSE THIS IS AN ACTUAL PHOTO OF THE RACE SITE. NOTICE, OKAY, THAT DOESN'T LOOK GOOD. BUT ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, IF BRAZIL DOESN'T FINISH THE ATHLETES' DORMS IN TIME, I THINK THAT COUCH IS A FOLD-OUT! AND IT GETS WORSE BECAUSE "RESEARCHERS JUST FOUND DRUG-RESISTANT SUPER BACTERIA IN THE BAY" LEADING ONE BRAZILIAN PROFESSOR TO SAY, "THESE BACTERIA SHOULD NOT BE PRESENT IN THESE WATERS. THEY SHOULD NOT BE PRESENT IN THE SEA." NOW, I WOULD SAY "NO (BLEEP)." BUT I THINK IN THIS CASE, QUITE THE OPPOSITE IS TRUE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT IT'S NOT-- I LIKE THAT. I LIKE THAT. I WANT TO POINT OUT THAT YOU HAVE APPLAUDED TWO THINGS-- SHODDY CONSTRUCTION AND HUMAN WASTE. ( LAUGHTER ) YOU'RE MY KIND OF PEOPLE. YOU'RE MY KIND OF PEOPLE. ( APPLAUSE ) BUT IT'S NOT JUST HUMANS WHOSE LIVES ARE AT RISK IN RIO BECAUSE RECENTLY, A JAGUAR AT AN OLYMPIC TORCH CEREMONY WAS SHOT AFTER ESCAPING FROM ITS HANDLERS. I BELIEVE THAT PARTICULAR SPECIES OF JAGUAR WAS THE SPOTTED SOUTH AMERICAN METAPHOR. BUT DON'T WORRY. THE OLYMPIC COMMITTEE HAS RELEASED THE FOLLOWING STATEMENT, "WE MADE A MISTAKE IN PERMITTING THE OLYMPIC TORCH, A SYMBOL OF PEACE AND UNITY, TO BE EXHIBITED ALONGSIDE A CHAINED WILD ANIMAL. WE GUARANTEE THAT THERE WILL BE NO MORE SUCH INCIDENTS AT RIO 2016." YES, THERE WILL NO LONGER BE LIT TORCHES ALONGSIDE CHAINED ANIMALS. FROM HERE ON OUT, THEY'LL JUST SET FIRE TO THE JAGUAR DIRECTLY. ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) NOW, BOY, I WOULD HATE TO WORK FOR A NETWORK THAT PAID BILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO BROADCAST THAT CLUSTER MUNCH. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH TOM BROKAW.
B1 TheLateShow olympics olympic brazil jaguar jon The Rio Olympics Are In Total Disarray 133 7 VoiceTube posted on 2016/07/08 More Share Save Report Video vocabulary