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  • BUT BEFORE ALL THAT, BREAKING NEWS.

  • IT'S AUTUMN.

  • TIME TO PUT ON OUR SWEATERS, DRINK SOME APPLE CIDER, AND

  • START PLANNING FOR HALLOWEEN.

  • THIS IS MY FIRST ONE, SO I'M GOING AS SEXY iPHONE 6S.

  • YEAH, THE S STANDS FOR SLUTTY.

  • BUT BEFORE WE SAY GOODBYE TO SUMMER, LET'S TAKE ONE LOOK

  • BACK.

  • TAYLOR SWIFT RULED THE CHARTS WITH "BAD BLOOD," CROP-TOPS WERE

  • ALL THE RAGE, THE NATION WAS SWEPT BY A CRAZY DANCE CRAZE

  • CALLED SHUTTING DOWN PLANNED PARENTHOOD.

  • NOW WATCH ME WHIPE, OH, NOW WATCH ME ELIMINATED ACCESS TO

  • WOMEN'S HEALTHCARE.

  • YOU GUYS PROBABLY HEARD THE RADIO VERSION.

  • IT ALL BEGAN WITH A SERIES OF VIDEOS MEANT TO PROVE

  • THAT PLANNED PARENTHOOD WAS SELLING FETAL TISSUE FOR PROFIT.

  • THESE SECRETLY FILMED VIDEOS WERE MADE BY, I ASSUME, SOME

  • SORT OF PRO-LIFE JAMES BOND.

  • WHICH DOES NOT EXIST.

  • BECAUSE JAMES BOND IS OBVIOUSLY PRO-CHOICE.

  • SO THINK ABOUT IT, WHEN THE KIND OF PUSSY YOU CAN GET IS

  • DESCRIBED AS "GALORE" YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE A FEW

  • ACCIDENTS.

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • ♪ ♪ ♪

  • SO IT TURNS OUT THE VIDEOS WERE EDITED TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE

  • PLANNED PARENTHOOD WAS PROFITING OFF BABY PARTS.

  • BUT JUST BECAUSE THE VIDEOS FROM MANIPULATED DOESN'T

  • MEAN PRO-LIFERS COULDN'T GET OUTRAGED ABOUT THEM.

  • >> I DARE HILLARY CLINTON, BARACK OBAMA TO WATCH THESE

  • TAPES.

  • WATCH A FULLY-FORMED FETUS ON THE TABLE, ITS HEART

  • BEATING, ITS LEGS KICKING, WHILE SOMEONE SAYS WE HAVE

  • TO KEEP IT ALIVE TO HARVEST ITS BRAIN.

  • >> Trevor: GODDAMN!

  • WHEN CARLY FIORINA PLAYS TRUTH OR DARE, SHE DOES NOT

  • MESS AROUND.

  • I GO BACK, I CHOOSE TRUTH, I CHOOSE TRUTH.

  • THE TRUTH IS, THE VIDEO FIORINA WAS TALKING ABOUT

  • WASN'T EVEN FILMED AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD SO CARLY

  • FIORINA, YOUR TURN.

  • TRUTH.

  • >> PLANNED PARENTHOOD WILL NOT AND CANNOT DENY THIS.

  • BECAUSE IT IS HAPPENING.

  • IT IS HAPPENING IN THIS NATION.

  • >> Trevor: OH, OKAY, FINE.

  • BUT ONE PLACE IT IS DEFINITELY NOT HAPPENING IS

  • IN THAT VIDEO.

  • BUT THAT DIDN'T STOP CONGRESSMAN JASON CHAFFETZ

  • FOR HOLDING A HOUSE OVERSITE COMMITTEE HEARING LAST WEEK

  • TO DEFUND PLANNED PARENTHOOD.

  • THAT HEARING DID TO THE GO WELL FOR HIM.

  • >> HE'S GETTING ROUNDLY CRITICIZED FOR HIS HANDLING

  • OF THE PLANNED PARENTHOOD HEARING.

  • >> HE'S COMING UNDER FIRE FOR DISPLAYING A MISLEADING

  • CHARGE.

  • >> CHAFFETZ AT TIMES DEMONSTRATED A FUNDAMENTAL

  • MISUNDERSTANDING OF HOW WOMEN GOT CARE.

  • >> MOST OF AMERICA THINKS HE GOT OWNED DURING THAT DBEATE.

  • >> Trevor: ACTUALLY MOST OF AMERICA DOESN'T WATCH

  • C-SPAN.

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • AND THOSE WHO DO WOULD NOT USE THE PHRASE "HE GOT OWNED."

  • WELL, AT LEAST NOT IN THIS CONTEXT.

  • A SMART MAN WOULD LAY LOW AFTER THAT.

  • BUT GUESS WHAT CHAFFETZ DID.

  • >> I'M ANNOUNCING MY INTENTION TO RUN FOR SPEAKER

  • OF THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES.

  • >> Trevor: WHAT THE HELL?

  • A GUY WHO GETS STRONGER THE MORE EMBARRASSED HE GETS?

  • HE'S DELUSIONAL, MAN.

  • WHICH SOUNDS LIKE THE WORST SUPERHERO EVER.

  • USING HIS HUMILIATION TO SAVE THE DAY, IT'S

  • DELUSIONAL MAN.

  • HELP ME?

  • THE BUS IS HEADING OFF THE BRIDGE.

  • I'LL HELP, QUICKLY, TELL ME HOW SMALL MY PENIS.

  • DE-DE-DELUSIONAL.

  • BUT HERE'S WHY CHAFFETZ CAN RUN FOR SPEAKER.

  • THAT HEARING MIGHT HAVE BEEN EMBARRASSING, BUT IT WASN'T A

  • BIG DEAL FOR THE PRO-LIFE MOVEMENTS BECAUSE WHEN IT

  • COMES TO RESTRICTING ACCESS TO ABORTION, THEY'RE KILLING IT.

  • >> THE MISSISSIPPI LEGISLATURE PASSED A LAW

  • THAT REQUIRES DOCTORS AT ABORTION CLINICS TO HAVE

  • ADMITTING PRIVILEGES AT A LOCAL HOSPITAL.

  • >> NEBRASKA'S NEW LAW MAKES IT A FELONY FOR A DOCTOR TO

  • ABORT A FETUS AT MORE THAN 20 WEEKS.

  • >> NORTH CAROLINA'S GOVERNOR SAYS HE WILL SIGN A NEW LAW

  • REQUIRING A 72 HOUR WAITING PERIOD FOR ABORTIONS.

  • >> IN INDIANA TODAY THE SENATE THERE PASSED A NEWS FORCED

  • VAGINAL ULTRASOUND BILL.

  • >> Trevor: MIGHT NOT BE A FAN OF PRO-LIFERS, BUT YOU

  • HAVE GOT TO ADMIT, THEY'RE DAMN GOOD AT WHAT THEY DO.

  • THE SAME WAY THE KNICKS HAVE TO GIVE PROPS TO LEBRON

  • JAMES, OR THE SAME WAY THE DOLPHINS HAVE TO GIVE UP

  • FOR TUNA NETS.

  • I DID NOT THINK I WOULD END TODAY IN A CAN BUT WELL

  • DONE.

  • THE CRAZIEST PART IS ABORTION SAY CONSTITUTIONAL

  • RIGHT.

  • THE SUPREME COURT SAID THIS IS LAW, PRO-LIFERS WERE LIKE

  • I ACCEPT YOUR CHALLENGE.

  • IT IS SORT OF LIKE WHEN THE ROCK TRIED TO CONVINCE US

  • THAT HIS NAME IS DWAYNE JOHNSON.

  • AND WE WERE LIKE NICE TRY, THE ROCK.

  • NO ONE LOOKS LIKE THAT AND IS CALLED DWAYNE.

  • AM I RIGHT, LADIES?

  • YEAH!

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • YEAH.

  • CUZ NOBODY WANTS TO SMELL WHAT DWAYNE IS COOKING.

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • IT'S TRULY AMAZING HOW MUCH THE PRO-LIFERS HAVE BEEN ABLE TO

  • ACCOMPLISH IN THE ANTIABORTION FIGHT.

  • JUST IMAGINE WHAT THEY COULD DO WITH AN ISSUE WHERE THE

  • FACTS ARE ACTUALLY ON THEIR SIDE.

  • YES, YES, THAT IS SUCH A DEEP THING TO THINK.

  • BUT WHAT OTHER ISSUES COULD APPEAL TO THOSE WHO LOVE

  • LIFE.

  • >> ACCORDING TO THE BRADY CAMPAIGN TO PREVENT GUN

  • VIOLENCE, THERE WERE MORE THAN 97,000 PEOPLE SHOT IN

  • AMERICA THIS YEAR.

  • MORE THAN 250 EACH DAY.

  • >> Trevor: NOW, NOW, NOW, THINK ABOUT IT, PEOPLE.

  • IMAGINE IF WE COULD BRING SOME OF THAT PRO-LIFE

  • PASSION INTO BEING MORE, WELL, PRO-LIFE.

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • THEN AFTER A MASS SHOOTING INSTEAD OF THIS REACTION.

  • >> I DON'T THINK MORE GOVERNMENT IS NECESSARILY

  • THE ANSWER TO THIS.

  • >> LOOK, STUFF HAPPENS THERE IS ALWAYS A CRISIS.

  • >> Trevor: INSTEAD OF THAT-- INSTEAD OF THAT, WE

  • COULD GET THIS REACTION.

  • >> I'M COMPLETELY PRO-LIFE AND I BELIEVE THAT WE SHOULD

  • HAVE A CULTURE OF LIFE.

  • IT IS INFORMED BY MY FAITH FROM BEGINNING TO END.

  • >> Trevor: WOW, SOMEBODY GET THAT MAN A TRANQUILIZER.

  • WHOOO!

  • WHICH IS IRONIC BECAUSE USUALLY JEB BUSH IS THE

  • TRANQUILIZER.

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • WHICH SOUNDS LIKE THE WORST MOVIE TITLE EVER.

  • "HELP ME.

  • THE BUS IS HEADING UP THE BRIDGE."

  • "LOOK, STUFF HAPPENS.

  • THERE'S ALWAYS A CRISIS."

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • IT HAPPENS.

  • EVEN CARLY FIORINA, INSTEAD OF THIS REACTION TO THE

  • OREGON SHOOTING.

  • >> I THINK WE NEED TO KNOW A LITTLE BIT MORE ABOUT THIS

  • INCIDENT.

  • >> Trevor: WE WOULD GET THIS REACTION.

  • >> I AM REALLY TIRED OF BECOME CALLED EXTREME ON

  • THIS ISSUE.

  • EVERY LIFE IS FILLED WITH POTENTIAL.

  • >> Trevor: THAT'S RIGHT, MISS FIORINA.

  • MAYBE NOT THE POTENTIAL TO BECOME PRESIDENT BUT

  • DEFINITELY, DEFINITELY IN THE TOP 12.

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

  • AND HERE'S THE THING.

  • IF PRO-LIFERS WANT TO FIGHT FOR LIVES OUTSIDE THE WOMB,

  • THEY DON'T EVEN NEED TO CHANGE WHAT THEY ARE SAYING.

  • THEY JUST NEED TO ADD A LITTLE BIT MORE.

  • >> MY WORK IS BEHIND ME TO MAKE SURE THAT INNOCENT LIFE

  • IS PROTECTED.

  • >> AND OBVIOUSLY YOU CAN'T LET SOMEONE GET OUT OF A

  • BACKGROUND CHECK JUST BECAUSE THEY BUY A GUN AT A

  • SHOW RATHER THAN A STORE.

  • THAT'S JUST IDIOTIC.

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • >> Trevor: YOU SEE?

  • EVEN WITHOUT THE GLASSES HE IS STILL PRETTY SMART.

  • YOU TRY IT, REPRESENTATIVE JOE BARTON.

  • >> I THINK EVERY LIFE IS PRECIOUS.

  • I THINK THE CONGRESS SHOULD DO EVERYTHING THAT WE CAN TO

  • PROTECT THAT LIFE.

  • BY PASSING A BAN ON HIGH CAPACITY MAGAZINES, FOR

  • INSTANCE.

  • I MEAN YOU'RE GOING DEER HUNTING, NOT PLAYING "CALL

  • OF DUTY" FOR CRIST'S SAKE.

  • WOW, WOW.

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • BARTON MAKES A POINT THAT IS BOTH COMPELLING AND ODDLY POP

  • CULTURE SAVVY.

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • BUT IT SHOULDN'T BE SURPRISING.

  • THIS IS REALLY JUST COMMON SENSE.

  • >> IF WE SAVE ONE LIFE, THAT'S IMPORTANT.

  • AND IT'S IMPORTANT TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE THAT WE SAVE

  • EVERY LIFE WE POSSIBLY CAN.

  • WHICH IS WHY I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY CONGRESS

  • PASSED A LAW BANNING HEALTH AGENCIES FROM EVEN

  • RESEARCHING GUN VIOLENCE.

  • WHAT THE HELL WERE WE THINKING?

  • [APPLAUSE]

  • >> Trevor: ONCE AGAIN, I COULDN'T HAVE SAID IT BETTER

  • MYSELF.

  • THE POINT IS, IF PRO-LIFERS WOULD JUST REDIRECT THEIR

  • POWERS TOWARD GUN VIOLENCE, THE AMOUNT OF LIVES THEY

  • COULD SAVE WOULD REACH SUPERHERO LEVELS.

  • THEY JUST NEED A SUPERHERO'S TOTAL DEDICATION TO LIFE.

  • BECAUSE RIGHT NOW THEY'RE MORE LIKE COMIC BOOK

  • COLLECTORS.

  • HUMAN LIFE ONLY HOLDS VALUE UNTIL YOU TAKE IT OUT OF THE

BUT BEFORE ALL THAT, BREAKING NEWS.

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