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  • - [breathing heavily]

  • - Are you sure that's how Lori

  • would want you to clean the air hockey table?

  • - If I said yes, would you know any different?

  • - No, I would not.

  • - Then yes.

  • - Hey!

  • What's got two thumbs,

  • just bought the bowling alley next door,

  • and doesn't want your frickin' garbage on my property.

  • This guy.

  • - Well, this guy has no idea what you're talking about.

  • - Well, this girl's name is Ella.

  • And I think we've met before.

  • - Yeah, we've met all right.

  • Brazilian Pork E. Pine sex party in your kitchen.

  • I was all greased up,

  • went down on a lot of people.

  • - Oh. Yeah.

  • I remember the top of your head.

  • - Right on.

  • Yeah, after I left here, I saw the "For Sale" sign

  • on the building next-door.

  • Bought it,

  • and now here we are.

  • - Here we are indeed.

  • - In-real-deed.

  • - Excuse me, I still don't understand

  • why there's hot garbage on my floor.

  • - Garbage isn't the only thing that's hot in here.

  • - Ugh, Ella, please.

  • - You guys can't keep your garbage overflow

  • in the alley between our buildings.

  • The alley is mine.

  • - Actually it's mine.

  • I won it last year

  • in a competition with the previous owner.

  • - We call it the Pork Olympics.

  • - Pork O-what?

  • - You heard me.

  • We do it every year, and the winner gets to use the alley.

  • - I'd like to use your alley.

  • - Oh, it's a tight alley. - Uh-huh.

  • - But I'd let you put your hot garbage all over it.

  • - Oh, I would just dump it right in there.

  • - Yeah? - Yeah. - Yeah.

  • - At least point I can't tell

  • if you're talking about her or the building.

  • [playful music]

  • - [man singing] This is America

  • Land of dreams

  • Everyone can climb higher

  • - [women singing] Not you, though

  • You're stuck here

  • 'Cause you're a part-timer, yeah

  • - [man singing] You can do anything

  • - [woman singing] As long as it's not hard

  • - [man singing] And you can go anywhere

  • - [woman singing] As soon as you get a car

  • - [man singing] You're gonna be a huge success

  • - [woman singing] Come on, that's not who you are

  • - [man singing] You're a part-timer cursed

  • With full-time dreams

  • And this low-paying job is as bad as it seems

  • Bad as it seems

  • What the [bleep] are you doing here?

  • Whoa

  • What the [bleep] are you doing here?

  • Oh

  • Seriously, dude? - Like, what the [bleep]? -(Closed for Pork-o-Lympics)

  • - No one is gonna walk their stupid face in here

  • and take our alley,

  • especially since winning at last year's Pork Olympics

  • is my only real accomplishment so far.

  • [cheers and applause]

  • - Add it to the list!

  • - All right, guys,

  • I need one athlete to represent us

  • in three events:

  • hot dog eating contest,

  • arm wrestling,

  • and bobbing for pizza.

  • Now, who's gonna do it?

  • - Ya! I will drink Frank's tears!

  • - Lori is our athlete!

  • [cheers and applause]

  • - And I will be her coach.

  • - Nope. - Towel boy.

  • - Yep. - That douche is going down!

  • - Yeah!

  • [cheers and applause]

  • - Or we could just avoid this whole thing.

  • - How would we do that?

  • - I'll use my vagina as an ambassador.

  • Then everybody wins.

  • - Ella, we need you on our team.

  • Are you with us or against us?

  • - From here up, I'm totally with you, okay?

  • From here down, there might be a traitor in our midst.

  • [all groan]

  • Sorry, okay? Okay. Ah.

  • I promise that for the next few hours,

  • my top half will control my bottom half.

  • Bottom half, keep it buttoned up.

  • Me and top half, we got this.

  • - All right, let's get the hot dogs prepped,

  • and let's take Frank down in the...

  • all: Pork Olympics!

  • - I will scalp his face off his head!

  • [growls]

  • [shrieks]

  • - She's ready.

  • - Hey, guys.

  • - Hey, Pete.

  • - So I was thinking we could inject Frank's hot dogs

  • with wasabi.

  • They'll be so hot, he won't be able to eat 'em.

  • - But that's cheating.

  • - Do it.

  • If Frank gets mad,

  • he can put something kosher in my bun.

  • - Ella.

  • - [laughing]

  • That's good.

  • - [laughs]

  • My bun is cool to room temperature

  • and ready to be buttered.

  • - Wait, you like the bowling alley guy too?

  • - Yes. - Oh. No.

  • I can't even eat buns.

  • I have a gluten intolerance that's murder on my bowels.

  • - Jesus. - Oh.

  • That sounds, um, horrible.

  • - It is.

  • But, like, in a sexy way.

  • No?

  • - No.

  • - All right, Lori, you got this.

  • Frank is going down hard.

  • - I eat meat for breakfast.

  • Small fish to me, boy.

  • - I was here warming up for about an hour.

  • You really got to loosen up the esophagus

  • so the dogs just go right down.

  • [belches loudly]

  • - [belches loudly]

  • [gentle acoustic guitar music]

  • - [belches loudly]

  • - [belches loudly]

  • - Uh, God, they have their own mating call.

  • - Well, let's get this party started.

  • - Yes, first person to finish all their hot dogs wins.

  • And...

  • go!

  • [cheers and applause]

  • - Wasabi dogs? My favorite.

  • - God.

  • I knew I should have injected them with fish oil.

  • [cheers and applause]

  • - Winner winner, wasabi dinner.

  • - Hey, he's not worth it.

  • - Thunk, thunk, splurt.

  • You hear that?

  • It's the sound of me dumping hot garbage

  • in my alley.

  • - Hi.

  • Ha!

  • - Damn it, guys, we need a new strategy.

  • If we don't win this thing,

  • we're gonna have nowhere to put our garbage,

  • and it's gonna smell like old cheese in here.

  • Hey, Ella,

  • I think it's time to unleash bottom half.

  • - Really? - Sure.

  • Who am I to get in the way of love

  • or whatever is going on here.

  • - Don't think about it to hard. I don't.

  • - All right, now go out there

  • and show him bottom half.

  • Or top half or whatever you think

  • will distract him enough for us to win.

  • - I see what you're doing,

  • and I like it,

  • because bottom half is bursting at the button fly.

  • - Then by all means, unleash the Kraken.

  • - Okay, but first I have to wax the Kraken.

  • - What? No.

  • I was just talking about your boobs.

  • - Oh, okay. That works.

  • - Frank, Lori,

  • may the strongest arm win.

  • Lori, don't you dare F this up.

  • - I got this. - Don't get in her head.

  • - Stop yelling in my ear. - Copy that.

  • - And...begin!

  • [cheers and applause]

  • - Come on! You got thick arms!

  • - Yo, wasabi dog!

  • - Thanks for carbo-loading my eyeballs, babe.

  • - Huh?

  • - [screams]

  • - No!

  • - I'm sorry, Anton.

  • I should have known my boobs

  • would only be an inspiration.

  • - Well, I win the Pork Olympics.

  • I will see you losers later.

  • - Wait.

  • Double or nothing.

  • One round of bobbing for pizza,

  • and if we win, we get the alley

  • and free bowling at your place for life.

  • - And if I win?

  • - Then you get...

  • my entire staff.

  • - What? - What?

  • - What the hell?

  • - Except you, Lori.

  • I actually need you.

  • - Oh, okay. Well, then that's fine then.

  • Let's do this.

  • - Hey. - Hey.

  • - Looks like you're gonna be working under me pretty soon.

  • - [chuckles] Under you.

  • Wouldn't mind that.

  • I bet you have a lot of experience,

  • what, with all your sex club stuff.

  • - Yeah, used to belong to 'em all:

  • The Drilly Bits, The Stinky Mice,

  • The Squishing Cowpatties,

  • My Super-Effin' Book Club.

  • Last one's not a sex club.

  • Mysteries just kind of give me a boner.

  • - Oh.

  • - I used to be the belle at the ball.

  • - Used to be?

  • - Yeah.

  • Ever since I bought the bowling alley,

  • turned over a new leaf.

  • Frank wants to settle down.

  • You know?

  • I think I'm ready to be a one-woman man,

  • and I think...

  • you could be that woman.

  • - Wait, what?

  • - Yeah, we'll win this competition,

  • pitch a tent in the alley,

  • and set up a place to sleep after that.

  • Wink, wink.

  • - [groans]

  • But there are just so many alleys that I haven't gone down.

  • What about the alley behind the grocery store?

  • Or the alley behind the nail salon?

  • Or that one girl named Allie?

  • I just--I don't think I'm a one-alley kind of girl.

  • - But...my hot garbage.

  • - I'm sorry, Frank,

  • but if you want to be with me,

  • you have to be willing to be

  • with a lot of other people too.

  • This is as far as we go.

  • - What?

  • - And now, now, now, now

  • the final event, event, event for the whole enchilada--

  • the alley and the staff--

  • the pizza bob!

  • [cheers and applause]

  • - I'm an expert at bobbing for wet things in dark places.

  • -