Subtitles section Play video Print subtitles - [breathing heavily] - Are you sure that's how Lori would want you to clean the air hockey table? - If I said yes, would you know any different? - No, I would not. - Then yes. - Hey! What's got two thumbs, just bought the bowling alley next door, and doesn't want your frickin' garbage on my property. This guy. - Well, this guy has no idea what you're talking about. - Well, this girl's name is Ella. And I think we've met before. - Yeah, we've met all right. Brazilian Pork E. Pine sex party in your kitchen. I was all greased up, went down on a lot of people. - Oh. Yeah. I remember the top of your head. - Right on. Yeah, after I left here, I saw the "For Sale" sign on the building next-door. Bought it, and now here we are. - Here we are indeed. - In-real-deed. - Excuse me, I still don't understand why there's hot garbage on my floor. - Garbage isn't the only thing that's hot in here. - Ugh, Ella, please. - You guys can't keep your garbage overflow in the alley between our buildings. The alley is mine. - Actually it's mine. I won it last year in a competition with the previous owner. - We call it the Pork Olympics. - Pork O-what? - You heard me. We do it every year, and the winner gets to use the alley. - I'd like to use your alley. - Oh, it's a tight alley. - Uh-huh. - But I'd let you put your hot garbage all over it. - Oh, I would just dump it right in there. - Yeah? - Yeah. - Yeah. - At least point I can't tell if you're talking about her or the building. [playful music] - [man singing] This is America Land of dreams Everyone can climb higher - [women singing] Not you, though You're stuck here 'Cause you're a part-timer, yeah - [man singing] You can do anything - [woman singing] As long as it's not hard - [man singing] And you can go anywhere - [woman singing] As soon as you get a car - [man singing] You're gonna be a huge success - [woman singing] Come on, that's not who you are - [man singing] You're a part-timer cursed With full-time dreams And this low-paying job is as bad as it seems Bad as it seems What the [bleep] are you doing here? Whoa What the [bleep] are you doing here? Oh Seriously, dude? - Like, what the [bleep]? -(Closed for Pork-o-Lympics) - No one is gonna walk their stupid face in here and take our alley, especially since winning at last year's Pork Olympics is my only real accomplishment so far. [cheers and applause] - Add it to the list! - All right, guys, I need one athlete to represent us in three events: hot dog eating contest, arm wrestling, and bobbing for pizza. Now, who's gonna do it? - Ya! I will drink Frank's tears! - Lori is our athlete! [cheers and applause] - And I will be her coach. - Nope. - Towel boy. - Yep. - That douche is going down! - Yeah! [cheers and applause] - Or we could just avoid this whole thing. - How would we do that? - I'll use my vagina as an ambassador. Then everybody wins. - Ella, we need you on our team. Are you with us or against us? - From here up, I'm totally with you, okay? From here down, there might be a traitor in our midst. [all groan] Sorry, okay? Okay. Ah. I promise that for the next few hours, my top half will control my bottom half. Bottom half, keep it buttoned up. Me and top half, we got this. - All right, let's get the hot dogs prepped, and let's take Frank down in the... all: Pork Olympics! - I will scalp his face off his head! [growls] [shrieks] - She's ready. - Hey, guys. - Hey, Pete. - So I was thinking we could inject Frank's hot dogs with wasabi. They'll be so hot, he won't be able to eat 'em. - But that's cheating. - Do it. If Frank gets mad, he can put something kosher in my bun. - Ella. - [laughing] That's good. - [laughs] My bun is cool to room temperature and ready to be buttered. - Wait, you like the bowling alley guy too? - Yes. - Oh. No. I can't even eat buns. I have a gluten intolerance that's murder on my bowels. - Jesus. - Oh. That sounds, um, horrible. - It is. But, like, in a sexy way. No? - No. - All right, Lori, you got this. Frank is going down hard. - I eat meat for breakfast. Small fish to me, boy. - I was here warming up for about an hour. You really got to loosen up the esophagus so the dogs just go right down. [belches loudly] - [belches loudly] [gentle acoustic guitar music] - [belches loudly] - [belches loudly] - Uh, God, they have their own mating call. - Well, let's get this party started. - Yes, first person to finish all their hot dogs wins. And... go! [cheers and applause] - Wasabi dogs? My favorite. - God. I knew I should have injected them with fish oil. [cheers and applause] - Winner winner, wasabi dinner. - Hey, he's not worth it. - Thunk, thunk, splurt. You hear that? It's the sound of me dumping hot garbage in my alley. - Hi. Ha! - Damn it, guys, we need a new strategy. If we don't win this thing, we're gonna have nowhere to put our garbage, and it's gonna smell like old cheese in here. Hey, Ella, I think it's time to unleash bottom half. - Really? - Sure. Who am I to get in the way of love or whatever is going on here. - Don't think about it to hard. I don't. - All right, now go out there and show him bottom half. Or top half or whatever you think will distract him enough for us to win. - I see what you're doing, and I like it, because bottom half is bursting at the button fly. - Then by all means, unleash the Kraken. - Okay, but first I have to wax the Kraken. - What? No. I was just talking about your boobs. - Oh, okay. That works. - Frank, Lori, may the strongest arm win. Lori, don't you dare F this up. - I got this. - Don't get in her head. - Stop yelling in my ear. - Copy that. - And...begin! [cheers and applause] - Come on! You got thick arms! - Yo, wasabi dog! - Thanks for carbo-loading my eyeballs, babe. - Huh? - [screams] - No! - I'm sorry, Anton. I should have known my boobs would only be an inspiration. - Well, I win the Pork Olympics. I will see you losers later. - Wait. Double or nothing. One round of bobbing for pizza, and if we win, we get the alley and free bowling at your place for life. - And if I win? - Then you get... my entire staff. - What? - What? - What the hell? - Except you, Lori. I actually need you. - Oh, okay. Well, then that's fine then. Let's do this. - Hey. - Hey. - Looks like you're gonna be working under me pretty soon. - [chuckles] Under you. Wouldn't mind that. I bet you have a lot of experience, what, with all your sex club stuff. - Yeah, used to belong to 'em all: The Drilly Bits, The Stinky Mice, The Squishing Cowpatties, My Super-Effin' Book Club. Last one's not a sex club. Mysteries just kind of give me a boner. - Oh. - I used to be the belle at the ball. - Used to be? - Yeah. Ever since I bought the bowling alley, turned over a new leaf. Frank wants to settle down. You know? I think I'm ready to be a one-woman man, and I think... you could be that woman. - Wait, what? - Yeah, we'll win this competition, pitch a tent in the alley, and set up a place to sleep after that. Wink, wink. - [groans] But there are just so many alleys that I haven't gone down. What about the alley behind the grocery store? Or the alley behind the nail salon? Or that one girl named Allie? I just--I don't think I'm a one-alley kind of girl. - But...my hot garbage. - I'm sorry, Frank, but if you want to be with me, you have to be willing to be with a lot of other people too. This is as far as we go. - What? - And now, now, now, now the final event, event, event for the whole enchilada-- the alley and the staff-- the pizza bob! [cheers and applause] - I'm an expert at bobbing for wet things in dark places. - Yuck.