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  • -Oh, hey, well, hello from back at the show.

  • My name is Gravid Grame.

  • What?

  • OK.

  • I'll let you off the hook.

  • It's not Gravid Grame.

  • It's David Gringer.

  • OK.

  • Seriously.

  • I'll tell you.

  • The real truth is, the guy, the host, it's me.

  • David Wain.

  • That's all it is.

  • -Oh!

  • -What?

  • This?

  • Oh, no, no, no.

  • Don't worry.

  • The baby's over there out of harm's way.

  • OK, so let's talk turkey, should we?

  • I mean, talk-- can you imagine if a turkey could talk?

  • Yeah, people talk all the time, but a turkey?

  • [LAUGHS]

  • That is too funny.

  • A talking turkey.

  • Anyway, you know, there's nothing better than a good

  • Wainy Day, except for a bad Wainy Night.

  • Because when the nights come on my Wainy life, it gets a

  • little bit bad.

  • And I mean that in more of like an urban, uptown way.

  • You want to see what I mean?

  • Check it out.

  • Cool, huh?

  • I mean cool, like Condi Rice or Levar Burton would say it.

  • Like, cooool.

  • You know?

  • Coooool.

  • OK.

  • Let's strut.

  • [SAXOPHONE PLAYING]

  • -Oh!

  • Oh!

  • Oh!

  • God!

  • Oh!

  • -Oh my god, that pretty lady needs help.

  • Hey, dude.

  • You're a bad man.

  • If you don't get out here, I'm gonna slap you, you understand

  • me?

  • -All right, all right.

  • I don't want trouble.

  • -My god, you're a big strong man.

  • -Yeah.

  • -Not you.

  • Him.

  • -Oh.

  • -But thank you.

  • -Well, it ain't no thang but a David Wain.

  • Just a nighttime thang.

  • Hoo!

  • Hoo!

  • Hoo!

  • Hoo!

  • Hoo!

  • Hoo!

  • CROWD: Hoo!

  • Hoo!

  • Hoo!

  • Hoo!

  • Hoo!

  • -Who's in-- who's in the dog pound?

  • -You are.

  • CROWD: Hoo!

  • Hoo!

  • Hoo!

  • Hoo!

  • Hoo!

  • -David, I think I'm falling for you.

  • -Shit.

  • Shit, shit, shit.

  • Stop.

  • It's too fast.

  • Can't we just get a cup of coffee or something?

  • -Caffeine gives me the loose poos.

  • -Well, just get a no-caffeine coffee?

  • Like a-- get, get a mocha or get a chai tea or a

  • green tea or a--

  • a pork tea.

  • It doesn't matter.

  • You can call me Ray, call me Jay, call me Al,

  • you can call me Sal.

  • Just don't call me--

  • BOTH: Late for supper.

  • [MUSIC - BABY, "GET YOUR BODY"]

  • DAVID (OFFSCREEN): You know, it's like, you know, what if

  • turkeys could talk.

  • -David.

  • -It's funny.

  • It just happens to be funny.

  • -Horrible.

  • -So tell me something about yourself.

  • -Oh, well, I tuck my penis between my legs, one ball at a

  • time, just like every other girl.

  • -Wait, wait, Hold on a second.

  • Stop, right now, rewind.

  • Penis?

  • -Well, yeah, I--

  • you--

  • I'm a man, baby.

  • -No, no, no, no, no.

  • Wait a minute.

  • Labels don't mean a thing to me.

  • It's what's on the outside that counts.

  • -I think you mean the inside.

  • -I mean I'd love to get up on in those insides, but the

  • thing is, you got that weenie-machiney, and I have

  • one myself.

  • -Agh!

  • -Agh!

  • Agh!

  • -We meet again, Mr. David Wain.

  • -Yes we do.

  • Miss--?

  • -You don't remember my name, do you?

  • -Of course, of course I do.

  • -What is it then?

  • -I'm not playing this game.

  • I know your name.

  • Either you believe me or you don't.

  • -I don't.

  • -Well, either you do or you don't.

  • -I don't.

  • -Either/or.

  • -You tell me my name, or the lady dies.

  • -What?

  • David, if you know her name, say it.

  • -Yes, David.

  • Say it.

  • -I don't have to say it, 'cause she always knows I know

  • it.

  • -You've got three seconds.

  • One.

  • -(SCREAMING) Please, David.

  • -You're the person I met at that party.

  • -Two!

  • -Say it!

  • Say her name.

  • -On principle alone, I don't have to say it.

  • -Three.

  • [GUNSHOT]

  • -Jennifer Fulson.

  • Right?

  • We, we met at that party in the Hamptons, and we were both

  • crowded around the spinach dip, and we were both like--

  • BOTH: Eat my shit.

  • -Ha, ha, ha!

  • You do remember.

  • -Yes.

  • But hey, give me a hug already, Jen.

  • -Oh, good to see you.

  • -[SHRIEKS]

  • What have I done? (WEEPING) He's dead.

  • My friend.

  • What the hell is that, though.

  • Wait a minute.

  • Jennifer Fulson?

  • But if she's her, the only thing I don't

  • understand is who you?

  • Trevor!

  • -David.

  • -You're alive.

  • -Yes.

  • -But if you're alive and th-that's Jennifer Fulson,

  • then who am I?

  • [GUNSHOT]

  • -Guess we'll never know.

  • I guess we'll never know.

  • -I couldn't keep up this charade anymore.

  • You know, the craziest things happen here on Wainy Nights.

  • So go to sleep, have a good night, and remember--

  • ALL: Luck is opportunity coupled with preparation.

  • Yayyy!

  • -But what we have is real.

  • -Yeah, for me, it was nothing but sex.

  • -Butt sex?

  • Yeah, great.

  • GORDON (OFFSCREEN): Tammy, I got the afternoon off.

  • I thought I could take you and the kids to

  • get some ice cream.

  • Who's this?

-Oh, hey, well, hello from back at the show.

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