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  • - Brittany!

  • Cheddar's birthday only happens once a year.

  • We're going to be late.

  • Why aren't you ready at all?

  • What the hell were you doing in there?

  • - Masturbating. Why?

  • - You can't just say that.

  • - It's not like I said I was murdering somebody.

  • - I'm right in the next room.

  • - There's a structure between us.

  • Everyone masturbates.

  • You masturbate, I masturbate, Obama masturbates.

  • - Yeah, but at least I lie about it.

  • I'm taking a shower.

  • I'm on the phone with my mom.

  • I'm making a life-sized statue of you out of Q-tips

  • and I don't want you to see.

  • - Aw, okay.

  • - What have I done?

  • - Why do you have to lie about it?

  • I'm washing the pearl.

  • I'm dialing the rotary phone.

  • I'm finger painting.

  • - She likes to do arts and crafts sometimes.

  • Let's go around back.

  • That's what all those things mean?

  • - Yeah.

  • - Don't you need like an ambiance or something?

  • - Do you need an ambiance or something?

  • - No, I'm a guy.

  • I guess I just always figured that when women

  • touched themselves, it was more romantic,

  • like rose petals, lens flare,

  • like a love-making session for one.

  • - More like in pitch black while I'm listening to music

  • and checking my Twitter.

  • - That's what I'm talking about.

  • Guys would not listen to music.

  • - What else would I listen to?

  • The sound of my own instability?

  • No thank you.

  • Let me guess, you listen to porn?

  • - No, like I said, Britney,

  • I don't leave a trace.

  • I lower my volume as low as I can

  • and I'm still paranoid that people can hear

  • the grunts and moans and...

  • Ever since I was eight years old, I've been told,

  • "Masturbation is wrong because it's desire of the flesh."

  • - I forgot you were raised Catholic.

  • - Yeah, so how do you expect me not to

  • attach paranoia with jerking off?

  • - Is that what you're wearing?

  • - Is that what you're wearing?

  • It's an anything but clothes party.

  • - Oh yeah.

  • - Is that the sheet you just masturbated on?

  • - No, no, no.

  • I was actually masturbating on a bed of roses

  • but I figured that would be way too hard

  • to turn into a dress.

  • - How are you so open about this?

  • - Unlike you, I was sexually awakened at a very young age.

  • I discovered inanimate objects,

  • or should I say they discovered me.

  • Eighth grade was a cool year.

  • - This is weird.

  • I've never had a conversation about this.

  • Can we do this?

  • - I don't know.

  • Sometimes, I do it for 20 minutes,

  • sometimes it's over in like 30 seconds.

  • - I'm a consistent eight minutes.

  • Transcontinental flight when I was 14.

  • - What about like on a subway?

  • - No.

  • - What about like at a Subway?

  • The sandwich shop.

  • - Do you just like picture a certain group of people?

  • Have you ever pictured me?

  • - No.

  • - [Both] Three? Yeah.

  • - Oh, we made it.

  • - What's this guy's name again?

  • - Cheddar.

  • - Aw, it's the name of my first vibrator.

  • It was orange.

- Brittany!

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B1 US cheddar masturbate masturbating masturbation subway listen

Masturbation: Guys Vs. Girls

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    Steven posted on 2016/05/10
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