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  • The President: You can't say it, but you know it's true.

  • (laughter)

  • Good evening, everybody.

  • It is an honor to be here at my last -- and perhaps the

  • last -- White House Correspondents' Dinner.

  • (laughter and applause)

  • You all look great.

  • The end of the Republic has never looked better.

  • (laughter and applause)

  • I do apologize -- I know I was a little late tonight.

  • I was running on C.P.T. --

  • (laughter)

  • -- which stands for "jokes that white people

  • should not make."

  • (laughter and applause)

  • It's a tip for you, Jeff.

  • (laughter)

  • Anyway, here we are.

  • My eighth and final appearance at this unique event.

  • (laughter)

  • And I am excited.

  • If this material works well, I'm going to use it at

  • Goldman Sachs next year.

  • (laughter and applause)

  • Earn me some serious Tubmans.

  • That's right.

  • (laughter and applause)

  • My brilliant and beautiful wife, Michelle, is here tonight.

  • (applause)

  • She looks so happy to be here.

  • (laughter)

  • That's called practice -- it's like learning to do

  • three-minute planks.

  • (laughter)

  • She makes it look easy now.

  • (laughter)

  • Next year at this time, someone else will be

  • standing here in this very spot, and it's anyone's

  • guess who she will be.

  • (laughter and applause)

  • But standing here, I can't help but be reflective, a

  • little sentimental.

  • Eight years ago, I said it was time to change the tone

  • of our politics.

  • In hindsight, I clearly should have been more specific.

  • (laughter)

  • Eight years ago, I was a young man, full of idealism

  • and vigor, and look at me now.

  • (laughter)

  • I am gray and grizzled, just counting down the days

  • 'til my death panel.

  • (laughter and applause)

  • Hillary once questioned whether I'd be

  • ready for a 3 a.m.

  • phone call -- now I'm awake anyway because I've got to

  • go to the bathroom.

  • (laughter and applause)

  • I'm up.

  • In fact, somebody recently said to me, Mr. President,

  • you are so yesterday; Justin Trudeau has completely

  • replaced you -- he's so handsome, he's so charming,

  • he's the future.

  • And I said, Justin, just give it a rest.

  • (laughter and applause)

  • I resented that.

  • (laughter)

  • Meanwhile, Michelle has not aged a day.

  • (applause)

  • The only way you can date her in photos is

  • by looking at me.

  • (laughter)

  • Take a look.

  • Here we are in 2008.

  • Here we are a few years later.

  • And this one is from two weeks ago.

  • (laughter and applause)

  • So time passes.

  • (laughter)

  • In just six short months, I will be officially a lame

  • duck, which means Congress now will flat-out

  • reject my authority.

  • (laughter)

  • And Republican leaders won't take my phone calls.

  • And this is going to take some getting used to, it's

  • really going to -- it's a curve ball.

  • I don't know what to do with it.

  • (laughter)

  • Of course, in fact, for months now congressional

  • Republicans have been saying there are things I cannot do

  • in my final year.

  • Unfortunately, this dinner was not one of them.

  • (laughter)

  • But on everything else, it's another story.

  • And you know who you are, Republicans.

  • In fact, I think we've got Republican Senators Tim

  • Scott and Cory Gardner, they're in the house, which

  • reminds me, security, bar the doors!

  • (laughter)

  • Judge Merrick Garland, come on out, we're going to do

  • this right here, right now.

  • (applause)

  • It's like "The Red Wedding."

  • (laughter)

  • But it's not just Congress.

  • Even some foreign leaders, they've been looking ahead,

  • anticipating my departure.

  • Last week, Prince George showed up to our meeting in

  • his bathrobe.

  • (laughter and applause)

  • That was a slap in the face.

  • (laughter)

  • A clear breach in protocol.

  • (laughter)

  • Although while in England I did have lunch with Her

  • Majesty, the Queen, took in a performance of

  • Shakespeare, hit the links with David Cameron -- just

  • in case anybody is still debating whether I'm black

  • enough, I think that settles the debate.

  • (laughter and applause)

  • I won't lie -- look, this is a tough transition.

  • It's hard.

  • Key staff are now starting to leave the White House.

  • Even reporters have left me.

  • Savannah Guthrie, she's left the White House Press Corps

  • to host the Today show.

  • Norah O'Donnell left the briefing room

  • to host CBS This Morning.

  • Jake Tapper left journalism to join CNN.

  • (laughter and applause)

  • But the prospect of leaving the White House is a mixed bag.

  • You might have heard that someone jumped the White

  • House fence last week, but I have to give Secret Service

  • credit -- they found Michelle, brought her back,

  • she's safe back at home now.

  • (laughter and applause)

  • It's only nine more months, baby.

  • Settle down.

  • (laughter)

  • And yet, somehow, despite all this, despite the churn,

  • in my final year, my approval ratings keep going up.

  • (laughter)

  • The last time I was this high, I was trying

  • to decide on my major.

  • (laughter and applause)

  • And here's the thing: I haven't really done

  • anything differently.

  • So it's odd.

  • Even my aides can't explain the rising poll numbers --

  • what has changed, nobody can figure it out.

  • (laughter and applause)

  • Puzzling.

  • Anyway, in this last year I do have more appreciation

  • for those who have been with me on this amazing ride,

  • like one of our finest public servants, Joe Biden.

  • God bless him.

  • Love that guy.

  • (applause)

  • I love Joe Biden, I really do.

  • And I want to thank him for his friendship, for his

  • counsel, for always giving it to me straight, for not

  • shooting anybody in the face.

  • (laughter)

  • Thank you, Joe.

  • (laughter)

  • Also, I would be remiss -- let's give it up for our

  • host, Larry Wilmore.

  • (applause)

  • Also known as one of the two black guys

  • who is not Jon Stewart.

  • (laughter)

  • You're the South African guy, right?

  • (laughter)

  • I love Larry.

  • And his parents are here, who are from Evanston, which

  • is a great town.

  • (applause)

  • I also would like to acknowledge some of the

  • award-winning reporters that we have

  • with us here tonight.