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  • - [clears throat]

  • - Welcome to Pork E. Pine's, home of the...

  • deepest ball pit on Earth.

  • - It's okay, Anton. It's just me.

  • - [sighs] Thank God.

  • After you asked me to lock up last night,

  • I realized I didn't know how to do that, so...

  • I just stayed.

  • - [sighs]

  • - What's this? - My resignation.

  • - What? - It's not my decision, baby.

  • INS finally caught up to me. I'm an illegal alien.

  • - From space? - From Canada.

  • My work visa expired.

  • It's either deportation or marry a U.S. citizen.

  • - Will you marry me, Lori Antoinette?

  • - Stop it. Get up.

  • - But I need you to run this place,

  • and you need me for citizenship.

  • We're a perfect match.

  • - Are you putting a pretend ring on my finger?

  • [shimmering tone]

  • [playful music]

  • - [man singing] This is America

  • Land of dreams

  • Everyone can climb higher

  • - [women singing] Not you, though

  • - You're stuck here

  • - 'Cause you're a part-timer, yeah

  • - [man singing] You can do anything

  • - [woman singing] As long as it's not hard

  • - [man singing] And you can go anywhere

  • - [woman singing] As soon as you get a car

  • - [man singing] You're gonna be a huge success

  • - [woman singing] Come on, that's not who you are

  • - [man singing] You're a part-timer cursed

  • With full-time dreams

  • And this low-paying job is as bad as it seems

  • Bad as it seems

  • What the [bleep] are you doing here?

  • Whoa

  • What the [bleep] are you doing here?

  • Oh

  • Seriously, dude? - Like, what the [bleep]?

  • [creaks, crashes]

  • [video games beeping, whirring]

  • all: Congratulations!

  • - Calm down, guys. This isn't a real wedding.

  • - But it could be. Can we have it here?

  • Please, please, please. I can plan everything.

  • - I call bachelorette party.

  • I'm gonna get started on the balloon dogs.

  • - Uh, no. We're just going to the courthouse.

  • - No, you're not.

  • You ever deal with the INS before?

  • You can't just pop a quickie and take American jobs.

  • They want pictures. They want proof--

  • courtship, cohabitation, wedding night.

  • - Guys, guys, there's not gonna be a wedding.

  • I just got off the phone with my dad,

  • and he has a strict no-marrying- my-ex-lovers "policy."

  • - Guys, I can't get deported.

  • My family had to flee after the Feds busted

  • my dad's black-market maple-syrup operation.

  • - There's a market for illegal syrup?

  • - I'd like to see you try and take on Big Maple.

  • - Hmm. Maybe someone else--

  • both: I'll do it.

  • - Come on, man, I can move in with Lori,

  • then move out of my mom's house.

  • - Dude, married people get hit on four times more than singles.

  • This could be the best thing to happen to my sex life.

  • - Wow. The moment that every girl has dreamed of.

  • - You know what, Lori?

  • You're right. You deserve better.

  • We should handle this how they do in the real world--

  • with a series of dates that culminates

  • in one of your suitors receiving the final rose.

  • - So not only do I have to marry one of you two idiots,

  • but now you ruin one of my favorite shows?

  • - Yes. - Yeah.

  • - I love planning, and I love weddings.

  • Which one do I like more?

  • Definitely planning.

  • Oh, but weddings...

  • - Yeah.

  • I've been planning my wedding since I was five.

  • - Oh, stop.

  • You have strong lips.

  • Whoa!

  • What are you doing?

  • We're just friend birds, remember?

  • - Sorry.

  • I thought you were saying-- - I wasn't.

  • - Yeah, sorry.

  • [indistinct chatter, video games beeping]

  • - Lori Antoinette.

  • - I don't know why you keep calling me that.

  • That is not my name.

  • - Two men will prove how valuable they can be to you

  • as companions, roommates, possibly lovers.

  • - Ugh. - Because you are...

  • the Boss-lerette.

  • [fanfare plays]

  • May I present to you bachelor number one...

  • Ian?

  • - What's up? It's me, your future husband.

  • - Guys, I've got to work.

  • - And I know that's important, because I literally have no idea

  • how you do whatever it is that you do, but first...

  • - Allow me to take you on a fun-filled adventure.

  • [upbeat dance music]

  • - What the hell?

  • [music continues]

  • [music stops]

  • - It's the hottest nightclub this side of the car wash.

  • - It's my office.

  • - I just want to show you that with me,

  • it's always a party, 24-7.

  • - You think I'm gonna come home to this every night?

  • Next.

  • - I don't know. Maybe she'll choose Dinger.

  • At least he could defend against an intruder,

  • although he's probably more likely

  • to think she's the intruder and end up attacking her, so...

  • Can you hand me some tape?

  • Thank you.

  • [sighs]

  • - Oh. - Pete!

  • - I swear I wasn't looking at your butt!

  • - Bachelor number two is quite the chef.

  • He's prepared a magnificent fridge-to-table meal,

  • all with locally sourced ingredients.

  • As the French would say, bon appetite.

  • - Salad de Dinger!

  • - It looks like you just scraped that out of the meat freezer.

  • - Yeah, but I flavored it with soda syrup.

  • It's actually really good.

  • - Oh, Lord.

  • I'm gonna need some of that wine.

  • - Oh, my pleasure. It's Kool-Aid with tree bark--

  • you know, for the tannin.

  • - All you idiots can come up with

  • are glow sticks and tree bark?

  • I don't know why I expected more, but I did.

  • You make Canadian prison seem more like a pleasure cruise.

  • - She's right, man. We're blowing it.

  • We need to take this sham wedding seriously.

  • Ooh, I have an idea.

  • Ladies and...

  • ladies.

  • - Whoo! - Whoo-hoo.

  • The final challenge for the evening

  • before Miss Lori Antoinette must select her husband!

  • - Still not my name.

  • - May I present to you your hunks for the evening?

  • - Whoo! [upbeat electronic music]

  • Yes!

  • - [laughs] - Yes!

  • Take it off! - All right.

  • - [laughs] - All right.

  • - Yes! Take it off!

  • Take it off!

  • - Whoo! - Oh!

  • - Yes! Yes!

  • [music continues]

  • [women cheering]

  • [melancholy music]

  • [doorbell rings]

  • - Hi. - Are your parents home?

  • - No.

  • - I wanted to apologize about today.

  • - No, I'm the one who-- - I don't want to be friends.

  • - You don't?

  • - I want to be... a little more.

  • [sultry music]

  • So how about it, Pete?

  • You want to be a little more than friends with me?

  • [music continues]

  • There's something really different about you.

  • - You want to watch me do push-ups?

  • - Yeah. Whoa.

  • [floor creaking]

  • You're really turning me on.

  • - I know.

  • I'm your subconscious.

  • - What?

  • [gasps]

  • Hey, um, Pete?

  • Can I talk to you for a second?

  • I was thinking that-- - Nope.

  • Already know what you're gonna say, all right?

  • And, uh, I've realized you were right.

  • I don't think we're meant to be together.

  • So...

  • let's just keep it easy.

  • Friend birds?

  • - Friend birds.

  • - Cool.

  • [sad slow music]

  • - We're gathered here today

  • so that Lori doesn't have to leave the country.

  • Lori, would you like to say your vows at this point?

  • - I would.

  • I choose you

  • because I know you'll be the least annoying roommate.

  • - And you...

  • - [shudders]

  • And I choose you, Lori,

  • because Anton won't let me live at his place anymore.

  • - Aw.

  • [organ music playing]

  • I pronounce you wife and wife.

  • [all cheering]

  • [organ music playing]

  • - Okay, that's enough. - Mwah!

  • - Y'all messing up my suit.

  • - Awesome.

  • all: [chanting] Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss!

  • Kiss, kiss, kiss! - Hell, no.

- [clears throat]

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B1 US lori kiss kiss music man singing wedding music continues

WORST WEDDING EVER (Part Timers #11)

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    Steven posted on 2016/04/27
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