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  • - Welcome, everybody, to F**k! Marry! Kill!

  • Today, we have the lovely Ariel,

  • who is married to one of the men

  • on the other side of this curtain.

  • The other two men are his friends,

  • and she's going to have to figure out

  • which one of them is her husband

  • so she can pick him to marry,

  • and then pick one of the others to f**k and kill.

  • Are you ready?

  • - I'm feeling pretty good.

  • I'm a little nervous. - Obviously.

  • - I feel like there's a lot of pressure to pick my husband.

  • - Right, because you don't wanna ruin your relationship.

  • - Yeah. - Yeah.

  • - Yeah.

  • I'm Ariel, and today I'm going to marry my husband,

  • or at least f**k him, but I'm definitely not gonna kill him.

  • - I know this isn't how the game works,

  • but I hope that she both marries and f**ks me.

  • - You know, the way Ned talks about being married,

  • it just sounds great.

  • I want that.

  • I'm gonna marry Ned's wife.

  • - I want Ariel to choose Ned to get married,

  • because that's true love,

  • but it doesn't mean she still can't f**k me.

  • Yeah! F**k, f**k, f**k, f**k, f**k.

  • - I just don't wanna die.

  • - So, why don't we go ahead and start the game.

  • We have a question that you're gonna ask all three people,

  • so go ahead and read this question out to them.

  • Take a look at it.

  • (low note)

  • - [Ariel] For everyone:

  • I am a girl with a strong relationship with my parents.

  • What is the one thing you would never want my parents

  • to find out about you?

  • - [Host] And we'll start with Mr. One.

  • - Well, hello, Ariel.

  • - (laughs) Oh, my God.

  • - You know, sometimes I get a little excited about things,

  • and I can overreact, but, you know,

  • I've always been very good around people's parents.

  • - [Host] After hearing that answer,

  • how do you feel about Mr. One?

  • - Uh, generally, a nice guy.

  • - [Host] Great. Alright, Mr. Two, same question.

  • - Hi.

  • I would maybe just keep

  • some of the details of date night private.

  • - Okay. - Alright.

  • So this is a very private person.

  • - Nice. Mr. Three, go ahead and answer that same question.

  • What do you not want her parents to know about you?

  • - Um, I would not want them to know

  • that sometimes I don't like to drink.

  • (ding)

  • - Okay, so you've heard from all three of our Mr. Numbers.

  • Right now, which one of these numbers

  • do you think you want to kill?

  • - [Ariel] Uh, Number Three sounds like

  • somebody out of evil, out of The Hobbit,

  • so I'm just gonna say that.

  • - [Host] Okay.

  • - [Ariel] But definitely not my final answer.

  • I am not ready to answer yet.

  • - [Host] Okay, great.

  • Let's go ahead and move on to round two,

  • where you're gonna ask each person an individual question.

  • - Okay.

  • Mr. Two, I think that space is the true final destination.

  • If you were a planet,

  • what type of species would inhabit you

  • and why?

  • - Well, if I were a planet,

  • I would be Uranus,

  • 'cause I got that butt, know what I'm saying?

  • And, I-- (buzz)

  • - Mr. One, I am an equestrian at heart.

  • What is the cutest outfit a horse could wear, and why?

  • - I think I would have a really cute girl horse,

  • and she would be in, like, a nice little, like,

  • fifties poodle skirt, like, cute little dress,

  • and have, like, a really high ponytail.

  • - Does that sound like somebody you'd want to f**k?

  • - [Ariel] (laughs) Yeah, yeah.

  • Mr. Three, I am a vegetarian, so I don't eat any meat.

  • But if you were a cannibal,

  • which celeb would you wanna eat first?

  • - Yeah, which celeb would you wanna eat first?

  • - I would eat George Clooney,

  • 'cause he's handsome and aged.

  • - Okay, okay, I like that.

  • - Like a steak. - Ooh.

  • - Exactly, like a steak.

  • - We're gonna move on to the final round.

  • This last question is for all three of them.

  • - [Ariel] Okay. Tell me a haiku about how great I am.

  • - Let's actually start with Mr. Three this time.

  • - Your booty is fine.

  • Like chilled fine wine,

  • so divine.

  • All night or all day.

  • - Let's move to Mr. Two.

  • - Wednesday is date night.

  • Cuddling and snuggling, all right.

  • Please don't kill me,

  • yeah.

  • - Mr. One, what's your haiku?

  • - You design so well.

  • Will you decorate my house?

  • Are you down to f**k?

  • (laughter)

  • - Okay, okay, so we've heard the haikus,

  • we've heard all these questions.

  • Now, Ariel, is the time to decide.

  • Who are you going to f**k, who are you gonna marry,

  • and who are you gonna kill?

  • Lock in your choices,

  • and we're going to reveal your decisions to you

  • one by one.

  • (bell rings)

  • You have chosen...

  • (high-pitched bell)

  • - [Ariel] (laughing) Yes!

  • - Just lift up.

  • (laughter)

  • - Was that good?

  • I'm sorry you can't f**k right now,

  • but we need to go pay our respects to the recently deceased.

  • I know, I know, well you did this.

  • You killed him.

  • Go ahead and see who you've done away with.

  • (zipper buzzes)

  • - Oh, God!

  • - [Host] What would you like to say?

  • - Zach, I'm really sorry,

  • but we all knew that this was the only option.

  • - I disagree with that.

  • It was not the only option!

  • You had three options!

  • You coulda f**ked me, - Zach is dead.

  • - you coulda married me, - Poor Zach.

  • - you coulda done anything! - He's gone.

  • - Why, hold on, I want an explanation!

  • - He's gone, but you know what that means?

  • - I get to marry Ned!

  • - You get to marry Ned!

  • Let's go to the wedding!

  • And do you, Ariel, take Ned to be your husband

  • even though you just f**ked Eugene

  • and it was good, you know what I'm saying?

  • It was good?

  • Do you still want this?

  • You still want this?

  • - Uh, if Ned will have me back, yes.

  • - I mean, I'd fuck Eugene.

  • - All right, then you may kiss your husband again.

  • - [Ned] Yay!

  • - Awww, beautiful.

  • Thanks so much for playing.

  • But we'll see you next time on...

  • - F**k!

  • - [Ned] Marry!

  • - [Zach] Kill.

  • - [Host] All right, y'all had a good time.

  • Everybody had a great time.

  • Oh, man. How was that sex, though?

  • How was that sex?

  • - [Ariel] Uh, it was nice. - Yeah.

  • - Yeah, I mean, this, this.

  • - Ugh, I don't wanna keep looking at Eugene's butt.

  • (squeaks)

- Welcome, everybody, to F**k! Marry! Kill!

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