Okay. Uh, you got the Sauvignon blanc, chilled?

- Yep. Check. - Okay.

- All the dips? Queso, seven-layer bean, garlic artichoke. - Okay, okay.

What's the matter? You seem kinda flustered.

I know. I know. I'm sorry. It's just like, ever since college, Malia always tries to, like, one-up me. And now that we're in new relationships, I just wanna win.

I don't think it's gonna be a problem.

Okay. She's already gonna think us meeting on Tinder is super lame.

All right, let's just make up a story.

We can do that?

- Yeah, let's just make up a story about how we met. - Okay. Okay. Uh, how did we meet?

Oh, uh, the grocery store.

What? Babe, that's so lame. Nobody meets at the [bleep] grocery store.

Hi!

- Okay. If they ask, just follow my lead. - Yeah, they probably won't even ask.

- Hi! Nice to see you! - Hi! Nice to see you!

So how did you guys meet?

How did we meet? Uh...

- Well, we should sit down for this, because it is such a doozy of a story. - It's a doozy.

- It's a doozy. It's a doozy. - I bet it's amazing.

- Yeah, but probably not as good as our meet story. - Oh, well, it's really hard to top our meet story, babe.

- So, Riley and I actually met at, uh, Cafe Jitters. And it's... it's actually more interesting than it sounds.

Yeah. Yes. Uh, so, every morning at 8:57 a.m., like clockwork, Fay would come in. It got to the point where I was timing my coffee run to be there exactly when Fay would get there. - I even memorized her favorite drink. - Oh...

- Medium triple-shot latte... - Latte.

- Extra hot. - Extra hot.

Wait a second. I thought you didn't drink caffeine because it makes you super paranoid.

Oh! Uh, I... I... I don't normally. I was just, you know, trying it for a few weeks inexplicably so that I could, uh, see... how... how... how I am.

You know, I'm pretty into coffee, like, I belong to a Roast of the Month club and--

- A Roast of the Month club? - Yeah. It's not a big deal, but... you know. - Hmm.

- Uh, any-- anyways. So, uh, yeah, this one morning, Fay was kind of running a little late, so I ordered her drink, and when she burst through the door in a tizzy, I had it, and that was my in.

Oh, my god, that is so sweet.

- Well, not as sweet as our story though. - It's hard to be sweeter than our story, because it is so intense.

Huh.

Last month, the restaurant that I work at had this huge kitchen fire, and I got trapped in the supply closet behind it.

- Wow. - Hunter was passing by on his way to the shelter that he volunteers at routinely. And he sees the fire, runs in, and saves my life.

Cool story. But we weren't done with our story.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were.

No. So, uh, after Riley gave me my order, this... this man... this big scary man just busts in and throws hot coffee all over me and takes my wallet out of my purse and just books it.

And then Riley sees this, and he looks at me, and he says, "Ma'am, do you believe in vigilante justice?"

Oh, wow, sexy.

Well, I added only after we contact the authorities and go through all the official channels. I... I just think that cops get a really bad rap.

Oh, my god, you guys. Ferguson.

You know, it is such a travesty.

- Well, yeah. I think it's probably a... unfortunate, uh, misunderstanding. I mean, it's tragic. It was tragic, but-- - Wait. Wait. You're on that side of Ferguson? I have always been a "[bleep] the police" kinda girl.

My dad was a cop.

- You didn't tell me that. - Well...

W-why don't we get back to the story, hon?

- Yeah, yeah. Okay. So the chase is on, and then I fall. You know, I'm stumbling. And I, like, hit the ground hard, and I break my ankle.

So Riley just points to his back, and it-- let's show them, honey. Let's just show them. So I... I piggyback him, and it's, like, top-rope style.

We're just running. We're just chasing this Latino perp guy. And-- - Wait, I'm sorry.

- Wait, why did you mention that he's Latino? - Because he is Latino.

- Yeah, I just think that's, like, a totally unnecessary detail though. - Well, maybe it'll become necessary later in the story.

- Well, maybe it's just a little racist. - Oh, it's racist? Mr. System feels bad for the criminal who mugged me and threw coffee on me?

- Okay, you know what? Why don't I take the story from here?

So, uh, we catch up with this, uh, Hispanic Latino from Mexico, right? And he just punches Fay right in the face, kinda like a modified clothesline shot.

And then a van pulls up, right? And it straight-up abducts her.

Oh, my god. You were abducted?

- Now, that is a story, man. - Totally crazy.

So I don't know what to do. So I-- I file a missing persons report, and I open a crisis center. But, you know, nothing happens. 72 hours pass, no word, and you know what they say.

They never find the person after the first 72 hours.

That's exactly what they say, Hunter. That's exactly what they say.

So I start thinking, maybe I got to move on, you know? How do I know she didn't abduct herself, like in that Gone Girl?

- Makes sense. - True.

No, it does not make sense, just like your taste in music, movies, and professional wrestlers.

Yeah, well, you know what? I never thought you were funny. I mean, it's like you know how to laugh at all the right stuff, but you never know how to add anything new.

Are you guys still telling the story about how you met at--

Yes! Yes, it is. But don't worry, because it's also the story of how we broke up!

- Great! - Great!

- (louder) Great! - Great!

[End of Relationship]

Do you think that we should tell them we actually met on Tinder?

No. Never.