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  • - Morning.

  • Hmmm...

  • Okay. What...

  • can we do for you today?

  • - I don't know.

  • I was giving myself a breast exam this morning, and...

  • Something's wrong.

  • - Okay, well, let''s take a look.

  • - Uh...

  • They're... all blocky. And square. A-and weirdly colored. I-I don't know what's happening to me.

  • - This is nothing to worry about. This is a textbook case of pixelated nipple.

  • - I don't understand.

  • - Oh, well, your nipples are going to be square and blocky, fleshy mosaics forever now.

  • - What?

  • Why?

  • - Well, there are many possible causes. Although most doctors believe it has to do with elevated levels of sexiness in the system.

  • Are your nipples sexy?

  • - No.

  • - Not even a little bit?

  • - No more than yours.

  • - We'll have to run some tests to be sure, but, um...

  • I think they might be sexy.

  • - They're not to me.

  • - Well, I think they are.

  • - But, I don't.

  • - Well, I do.

  • - I don't.

  • - But I do.

  • - Okay, um, nevermind. Just is there anything we can do?

  • Because I don't want my body to look like this.

  • - Uh, well, I suppose there is, uh, an experimental procedure.

  • We could... take a pair of male nipples.

  • And attach them here and here.

  • - Why would that do anything?

  • - Male nipples are just far less sexy than female nipples.

  • On the other hand your body could reject the transplant. It's all very complicated.

  • - What does that even mean? They're nipples, there's nothing complicated about them.

  • - [laughs]

  • No, no no no.

  • Nipples are one of the most complicated body parts!

  • Look here.

  • This... is a female nipple on a female breast.

  • Now, this will very frequently be pixelated.

  • But...

  • The very similar male nipple on the male chest...

  • Never is!

  • And...

  • The female nipple on a very flat chest

  • is still pixelated.

  • But!

  • A male nipple

  • Next to a logo that we did not get clearance for...

  • Well, the logo is pixelated, the nipple is fine.

  • And consider also...

  • This big, bloody bone jutting out of a woman's chest.

  • Now, the nipple is pixelated, but the horrible, gory gaping wound is not.

  • I don't get it either.

  • And our final one here...

  • A woman's breast with no nipples.

  • Now, this is not pixelated.

  • But what happens when we add male nipples?

  • Boop, boop

  • And there you go.

  • Just like that.

  • So that's what happends to a poster. We don't know what happens to a human.

  • - O...K, then what can I do?

  • - Ohhh, well...

  • You don't have many options.

  • You could try attaching a baby to one of your nipples.

  • That would make everything much less sexy. The pixelation could go away.

  • But, you do run the risk of the pixelation spreading to the baby's face.

  • - Yeah, no thank you.

  • - Well, if you're not into that, I suppose you could...

  • Move to some topless tribe somewhere.

  • Maybe in the Australian bush?

  • Uh, like diabetes,

  • pixelated nipple is largely a first-world disease.

  • - Yeah, I'm not gonna do that either.

  • Okay, I-I just want my nipples back.

  • Normal nipples like you have. Like thousands of women in Europe have.

  • - Look.

  • I know how hard this must be for you.

  • To... to see your body changed against your will.

  • [sighs]

  • Okay, look.

  • [sighs]

  • - I have a pixelated dick. - Oh, my god.

  • - Or, a penis, as doctors usually call it.

  • - Yeah.

  • - Is it cold in here?

  • - Uuuh-huh - Yeah.

  • - Hi, it's Mike Trapp from CollegeHumor.

  • If you want to subscribe, click here.

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  • And if you want to investigate the ~spooky~ old McCreary house even though your mom warned you not to, turn to page 87.

- Morning.

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