to navigate through the treacherous

stage of the relationship called "The Power Struggle" stage

and if you haven't been watching the previous videos, the Power Struggle stage

happens right

after the romance begins to fade away

and usually ends up with one or both partners fighting for

power inside the relationship. In this video series we're taking a look

at how to navigate through this Power Struggle stage and turn it into an opportunity for

deeper intimacy,

connection, create security and a romance that lasts a lifetime.

In this video, I'm going to be teaching you powerful

communication techniques for how to cool off an

argument when it starts spiraling out of control

into a full-blown fight. But I feel obliged to

issue a warning before I teach you this technique because this

communication technique is so powerful...

that if you practice and master it, what you'll probably find is that the people you use

it with will have a habit of falling in love with you...

So use it very wisely.

Let's take a look at how a normal conversation can turn into an argument...

and then spiral out of control

into a fight. I'd like you to think of a good conversation like a good tennis

match...

...in that there's two people playing and there is a ball that gets hit back across the

net...

The ball is a metaphor for the

conversation or the message that is being communicated between two people.

Like in any good tennis game, in any good conversation...

when you hit the ball across the net, the other person hits a back to you.

Just like a good conversation, it would be no fun if you hit the ball

across the net...

and the other person didn't hit it back! In psychological circles...

your willingness to hit the ball back

is called your RESPONSIVENESS. It turns out...

that responsiveness is one of the

keys to creating a long-term romantic relationship

that lasts - that is full of intimacy and connection.

So, let's take a look at what a responsive conversation may

look like: "Honey I'm so tired.

I had an exhausting day at work." "I understand baby...

...I guess you not like that about cooking tonight, right?" "Yeah, you got that right."

"Well why don't we get take-out instead and then you don't have to cook?" "Oh, that

sounds like a wonderful idea.

Maybe we can rent a movie while we're at it?" "Oh yeah, let's get the one we were

talking about the other night."

And the conversation is off to a great start with both partners responding to

each other.

On the other hand, here's one unresponsive conversation might look

like:

"Honey I'm so tired. I had an exhausting day at work."

"Uh Huh" "I really don't feel like cooking tonight..."

"Well, why don't you just get take out?" "Well what do you want?"

"I don't know. Choose something for me." "Oh jeez, you are so indecisive!

"Do I have to make all the decisions in this marriage?" "Uggh! Here we go again. It's always

my fault isn't it?"

And this conversation (on the other hand) is destined to escalate

into a fight. Can you see the difference? The difference is that

in the first conversation the partners in responding to each other. In the

second conversation,

they may be talking to each other, but they were unresponsive emotionally

The research shows that responsiveness is one of the key

predictive factors

in predicting whether or not a relationship will last. In fact the

statistics go like this:

In stable marriages that last a lifetime both parties a highly responsive to each

other

responding to each other eighty percent of the time each time their partner

reached out

for attention whereas marriages with that ended in divorce

partners were unresponsive and responded less than 50 percent the time today

partner reaching out

for connection and attention so the first distinction I want to leave you

with is that

your ability to respond your sponsor miss is a key factor in determining

whether a relationship will last

or whether a whole and breaking up also

the second the station I wanna leave you with is that your ability to be

responsive

in a conversation to your partner the 10 whether or not your conversations are

fun

light-hearted in 10 minutes connected

sexy and loving all-weather or not they escalate into full-blown fights

with one eye view sleeping on the couch know what I mean

so how can we be responsive to our partners when we're in the middle of a

fight to win with trigger upset

well the first thing you want to do his you wanna stop hitting your own balls

back to your pot now

or getting them to aimed at department head and begin returning the ball

they serve to you department to serve the ball across the net

might be some kind of communication and you hit that one bowl

over there back to them one ball in her court at a time as the rules Kenneth in

the same

in a good conversation when your partner's game is over

you're going to have your turn to serve your ball over the net

and they'll respond to him global back and when you do that you can play a game

and add-ons

in the conversation begins to happen rather than both are you serving bowl

that each other at the same time

potential war zone where everybody takes casualties on both sides

and is a powerful way to do this I call having a reflective conversation

been called many names by many great teachers I just call it a reflective

conversation

that gets the most descriptive name for it

it turns out that human beings in a relationship what we want more than

anything is to feel

gotten and is still don't feel heard and understood by

our partner but we were never taught this as a skill that's cool

we were taught to speak but we were actually never taught how to listen

just assume that if we understand English we could lessen

but we were never taught how to listen in a way that %uh partner feels

heard and understood

and I'm willing to bet that hoffa the arguments that happen in your

relationship

or have happened in your past relationships or because you or your

partner

have not felt her and not felt gotten by

each either how do you make your partner feel heard and understood

was actually pretty simple all you need to do is reflected back to them

what you've understood about what they say it's basically say back to them

paraphrasing

what they say it's that they gets that you heard them

and you understood that and if you didn't get it correct they can then

correct you so it's pretty simple it's not rocket science and it might look a

little bit like this here's an example that slightly more serious than the

previous examples a little

demonstrate to you how you can reuse this

in your own relationship to create instant connection in the middle of a

fight

with your pop honey I love to have a reflective conversation with you

are you free right now sure love what's up you last night when we were at dinner

me

joked about our sex life in public haha well I was really embarrassed when you

did that

okay so let me see if I understand you when I joked about our sex life at

dinner last night you felt

embarrassed to get it get them all

yet I really appreciate if you would talk about our sex life in public

I know you don't mean to be disrespectful but I am just not

comfortable about talking

about sex is your so hurt you accurately what I'm hearing you say is that your

list comes when I am about talking about sex and you'd rather than I didn't talk

about sex in public

to get it not quite it up that I mind you talk about sex with our friends

it today John comes we'll talk about our sex life public

I okay I get to talk about sex and Publix fine

but talking about our sex life feels uncomfortable for you and you'd rather I

didn't do that

that right yes is anything more no that's all

thank you I'm sorry I make you feel uncomfortable last night that was my

intention honey and I'll make sure I don't talk about a sec left in public

again

so I'm hearing you say that you regret making me uncomfortable

and you're not gonna talk about it looks like in public that right

you got it baby became more now and love you

pilot here so before I explain each step

in this reflective conversation you're probably thinking

Cruz speech like this this is a where

and I don't blame you I promise you I'm not gonna ask you to speak like this

in public but if you master this technique and begin to use it in your

relationship

something magical will happen tension will begin to dissolve

your partner's anger will disappear and if you stick with the conversation and

see it through to completion

you'll take your relationship to new heights are intimacy

connection and love that you may have never experienced before

0 okay let's take a look at how you can have your own reflective conversations

with your partner step-by-step so the first step

is to request reflective conversation so if you find yourself in an argument that

you fear might be escalating into a fight

well even the city apart the honeycomb live reflective conversation please

and if they say yes well then UN and the next thing you gonna do is gonna choose

who's gonna go first has to say

who's gonna be the speaker and the person who speaks first we're gonna call

the sender and the person who listens

were gonna call their receiver that this %um for this example that you're the

receiver and your partner's

the sender the third step is your partner

the sender is gonna send their message and your job is the receiver

is gonna be just to listen you don't say a word you just listen

and when they stop you gonna paraphrase back to them

in your own words what you understood that they've said

personally I like to reflect back using the sentence them

if I heard you accurately what I hear you saying is

dot dot dot and when you have you gonna check in with them that you got it right

by saying

did I get it if you didn't get it they'll tell you which part of their

message you didn't understand properly

and then you can paraphrase a reflected back to them again

until they confirm that you did get once they've confirmed

that you didn't get it the next question you can ask the sender is

is there more if the same this is that there's no more

well then you can switch roles and you can become the sender and send your

message and they listen to you tomorrow

now I understand that this may feel a little bit overwhelming in the beginning

like a lot to remember

so I made you a document download this video that you can download and print

out

and keep handy around the house that when you next into an argument we feel a

conversation

turning in talking to the tension rising you grab a piece of paper saying

apartment

hate we have a reflective conversation piece I feel like the pensions

increasing here

and it if you can use the documents to run through step by step

and before you know it will become second nature and your conversational

very rarely escalates into full-blown war where you know

firing shots at each other the alternative fun tennis matches where

you're bouncing a ball back across the next to each other

and feeding her and gotten understood and I love and connection

deepens and increases in your relationship

so here's a couple of tests for making a reflective conversation

s transformative as possible

that number one one person speaks at a time only

this way you always feel like you're being heard

September 2 the same as always to speak in bite-size chunks

case maybe 30 seconds at a time and then their

person who's the receiver can reflect back a bite size chunks rather than

having to reflect back 10 minutes with a

download right says they seconds to a minute at a time seems to be

a good that balance tip number three

is the center is going to own their words they can use I statements ago take