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Mr. and Mrs. Granger of London were proud to say that they had a witch for a daughter.
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Proud, that is, until their daughter, Hermione, wiped all trace of her existence from their memory.
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Hermione was in the midst of a war, and she was trying to protect her parents from the force she'd been fighting against for years: The Patriarchy.
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Now, bitches gonna die.
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Six years earlier, Hermione first boarded the Hogwarts Express, excited to make friends and finally be valued for her talents rather than teased for being different.
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Hello, I'm Hermione Granger.
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Is that seat taken?
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I'm Harry, Harry Potter. And sorry, this carriage is for boys only.
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It was in that moment that Hermione first learned a valuable skill.
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"Throwing shade."
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I've read all the rules. There's no such thing as a boys-only carriage.
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Do you know who that is? That's Harry Potter.
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The boy who lived.
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It's funny you should say that because I'm Hermione Granger.
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The girl who gave literally zero fucks.
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Her badass antics attracted the boys' attention.
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You are fierce and independent.
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That scares us.
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Will you be in our gang, please?
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Despite their vaguely offensive ways, Hermione sensed that Ron and Harry weren't so bad.
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Over the course of the year, she saved them several times.
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Without Hermione, the boy who lived would have been dead as shit.
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Harry and Ron began to think of Hermione as a sister, and felt protective toward her.
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But she didn't need their protection, especially when Draco was involved.
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Nice hoodie. It'd look even better on the floor of the Slytherin dorms.
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What did you say to me?
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Go on. Say that again.
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It was a compliment, I swear! It was just a compliment.
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Oh, yeah? Well, so is this!
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Oh!
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Twitter wasn't around in those days, but if it was, she'd have just invented the "BOSSWITCH" hashtag.
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Fourth year brought with the Bulgarian bombshell Viktor Krum.
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He had asked Hermione to the dance, and the pair looked resplendent.
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Ron was more than a little jealous and asked Hermione to dance, but she didn't want to.
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Why are you dressed like that if you don't want attention, eh?
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Ron, you idiot!
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How dare you? How fucking dare you?
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I didn't dress like this for Viktor, or for you, or for anyone.
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I dressed up for me, so I could feel good.
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And you ruined it.
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Trying to repair the damage, Harry apologized on Ron's behalf.
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Ron's a nice guy, not like Draco.
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He didn't mean to hurt you.
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That's the problem, Harry.
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He did't think what he was saying was wrong.
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And it's not just Ron and Draco I have to worry about.
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Not all witches feel that way, though, surely.
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Yes, all witches.
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All witches have had to put up with comments like that and worse.
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But that's...that's impossible.
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Herminoe was furious.
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If she couldn't get Harry, her most reasonable supportive male friend, to understand, then she may as well give up.
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But then, the dark wizard Voldemort returned.
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Surprise, bitches!
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And summoned his Death Eaters, including Draco's dad, to update him on their plan.
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We're not oppressing all witches quite yet, my lord, but soon.
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Harry couldn't believe his ears. He managed to escape, but his world had changed forever.
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It's real. You were right. I'm so sorry. Yes, all witches!
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Hermione forgave Ron, realizing he, too, was a victim of The Patriarchy.
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When you grow up in a culture that allows wizards to speak to witches that way, how are you supposed to know that it's wrong?
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But do it again and I'll cut you.
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The fight against The Patriarchy was beginning in earnest.
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After months of wandering around forests, Hermione took charge.
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Let's go fuck up their shit.
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Sensing this might be her last night on Earth, Hermione kissed Ron.
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She didn't have time to explain that this was not a binding contract, guaranteeing a future of marriage and children.
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Sometimes a kiss was just that.
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Draco was still trying to make this all about him.
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Witches get a free ride. It's wizards like me who suffer.
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Where's my special treatment?
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I deserve a kiss. It's misandry, I tell you!
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Don't misinterpret your feelings of inadequacy for the cultural, social, economic, and political oppression of an entire gender.
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Draco didn't listen, so Hermione shut him down the best way she knew how:
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She set that bitch on fire.
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Outside, the battle of Hogwarts had begun.
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Hermione broke the bad news to Harry.
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For the plan to work, he'd have to die.
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Harry Potter is dead.
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Long live The Patriarchy.
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But Hermione wasn't done yet.
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Not so fast, cockface.
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The girl who gave literally zero fucks, we meet at last.
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You know, I used to hate you, but now I pity you.
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You don't hate witches, you hate yourself.
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That's what this is really about.
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Harry was alive the whole time.
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So much privilege that boy, even death gave him a pass.
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Hermione had figured out the source of Voldemort's power, his snake.
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She'd given Neville the most important job because good leadership is about good delegation.
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And he arrived right on the schedule, cutting the head off Voldemort's snake.
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Just the tip, really.
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With his snake dismembered, Voldemort crumbled away to nothing, and took his archaic notions of gender roles with him.
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Does this mean The Patriarchy is over?
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Unfortunately, no.
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Their figure head is gone, yes, but the fight will continue.
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We need to weed out and destroy sexism in all its forms.
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Hermione did just that.
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She dedicated her life to wiping out sexism in both the magic and muggle world.
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All was well.