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  • Mr. and Mrs. Granger of London were proud to say that they had a witch for a daughter.

  • Proud, that is, until their daughter, Hermione, wiped all trace of her existence from their memory.

  • Hermione was in the midst of a war, and she was trying to protect her parents from the force she'd been fighting against for years: The Patriarchy.

  • Now, bitches gonna die.

  • Six years earlier, Hermione first boarded the Hogwarts Express, excited to make friends and finally be valued for her talents rather than teased for being different.

  • Hello, I'm Hermione Granger.

  • Is that seat taken?

  • I'm Harry, Harry Potter. And sorry, this carriage is for boys only.

  • It was in that moment that Hermione first learned a valuable skill.

  • "Throwing shade."

  • I've read all the rules. There's no such thing as a boys-only carriage.

  • Do you know who that is? That's Harry Potter.

  • The boy who lived.

  • It's funny you should say that because I'm Hermione Granger.

  • The girl who gave literally zero fucks.

  • Her badass antics attracted the boys' attention.

  • You are fierce and independent.

  • That scares us.

  • Will you be in our gang, please?

  • Despite their vaguely offensive ways, Hermione sensed that Ron and Harry weren't so bad.

  • Over the course of the year, she saved them several times.

  • Without Hermione, the boy who lived would have been dead as shit.

  • Harry and Ron began to think of Hermione as a sister, and felt protective toward her.

  • But she didn't need their protection, especially when Draco was involved.

  • Nice hoodie. It'd look even better on the floor of the Slytherin dorms.

  • What did you say to me?

  • Go on. Say that again.

  • It was a compliment, I swear! It was just a compliment.

  • Oh, yeah? Well, so is this!

  • Oh!

  • Twitter wasn't around in those days, but if it was, she'd have just invented the "BOSSWITCH" hashtag.

  • Fourth year brought with the Bulgarian bombshell Viktor Krum.

  • He had asked Hermione to the dance, and the pair looked resplendent.

  • Ron was more than a little jealous and asked Hermione to dance, but she didn't want to.

  • Why are you dressed like that if you don't want attention, eh?

  • Ron, you idiot!

  • How dare you? How fucking dare you?

  • I didn't dress like this for Viktor, or for you, or for anyone.

  • I dressed up for me, so I could feel good.

  • And you ruined it.

  • Trying to repair the damage, Harry apologized on Ron's behalf.

  • Ron's a nice guy, not like Draco.

  • He didn't mean to hurt you.

  • That's the problem, Harry.

  • He did't think what he was saying was wrong.

  • And it's not just Ron and Draco I have to worry about.

  • Not all witches feel that way, though, surely.

  • Yes, all witches.

  • All witches have had to put up with comments like that and worse.

  • But that's...that's impossible.

  • Herminoe was furious.

  • If she couldn't get Harry, her most reasonable supportive male friend, to understand, then she may as well give up.

  • But then, the dark wizard Voldemort returned.

  • Surprise, bitches!

  • And summoned his Death Eaters, including Draco's dad, to update him on their plan.

  • We're not oppressing all witches quite yet, my lord, but soon.

  • Harry couldn't believe his ears. He managed to escape, but his world had changed forever.

  • It's real. You were right. I'm so sorry. Yes, all witches!

  • Hermione forgave Ron, realizing he, too, was a victim of The Patriarchy.

  • When you grow up in a culture that allows wizards to speak to witches that way, how are you supposed to know that it's wrong?

  • But do it again and I'll cut you.

  • The fight against The Patriarchy was beginning in earnest.

  • After months of wandering around forests, Hermione took charge.

  • Let's go fuck up their shit.

  • Sensing this might be her last night on Earth, Hermione kissed Ron.

  • She didn't have time to explain that this was not a binding contract, guaranteeing a future of marriage and children.

  • Sometimes a kiss was just that.

  • Draco was still trying to make this all about him.

  • Witches get a free ride. It's wizards like me who suffer.

  • Where's my special treatment?

  • I deserve a kiss. It's misandry, I tell you!

  • Don't misinterpret your feelings of inadequacy for the cultural, social, economic, and political oppression of an entire gender.

  • Draco didn't listen, so Hermione shut him down the best way she knew how:

  • She set that bitch on fire.

  • Outside, the battle of Hogwarts had begun.

  • Hermione broke the bad news to Harry.

  • For the plan to work, he'd have to die.

  • Harry Potter is dead.

  • Long live The Patriarchy.

  • But Hermione wasn't done yet.

  • Not so fast, cockface.

  • The girl who gave literally zero fucks, we meet at last.

  • You know, I used to hate you, but now I pity you.

  • You don't hate witches, you hate yourself.

  • That's what this is really about.

  • Harry was alive the whole time.

  • So much privilege that boy, even death gave him a pass.

  • Hermione had figured out the source of Voldemort's power, his snake.

  • She'd given Neville the most important job because good leadership is about good delegation.

  • And he arrived right on the schedule, cutting the head off Voldemort's snake.

  • Just the tip, really.

  • With his snake dismembered, Voldemort crumbled away to nothing, and took his archaic notions of gender roles with him.

  • Does this mean The Patriarchy is over?

  • Unfortunately, no.

  • Their figure head is gone, yes, but the fight will continue.

  • We need to weed out and destroy sexism in all its forms.

  • Hermione did just that.

  • She dedicated her life to wiping out sexism in both the magic and muggle world.

  • All was well.

Mr. and Mrs. Granger of London were proud to say that they had a witch for a daughter.

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