my name is Matthew deSilva and I'm a marshall for the class of two thousand

twelve

And my name is francisco Miscliki and i'm the representative from Winthrop House.

With a diverse range of comedic talents

our guest speaker has established himself as a captivating and hilarious

entertainer

do his work and filled and television

most notably as a cast member in Saturday Night Live

for the past seven years

several films featuring our guest speaker have titles representing the perhaps idols representing some of the

emotions we feel

as our time at harvard comes to a close

parents, for example, will be proudly repeating the name of his upcoming film

"That's My Boy" as they watch us receive our diplomas

No phrase captures the nostalgia and bromance we have developed for friends

and block mates

like his two thousand nine film "I Love You, Man".

and some of you in the recent weeks have articulated the name of his two thousand

and eleven film "What's Your Number"

either out of genuine need more romantic desperation

you know, come to think of it

our guest speaker's Emmy- award-winning SNL digital shorts kind of parallels the class of two

thousand twelve's senior week events very closely

Well, we had the moonlight cruise... Our guest speaker had

"I'm on a Boat".

than we had "Last Chance Dance"... he had

"I Just Had Sex"

and finally we had Senior Soirée...

"I Just Had Sex".

clearly, our guest speaker understands what it's like to be a Harvard student.

So without further ado,

our two thousand twelve Class Day guest speaker

Andy Samberg!

Wait.... sorry, sorry, sorry

Stop the music, sorry

What happened there?

That song is just so emotional... I just met that guy!

alright...

I have to compose myself- the show must go on here...uh...

*clears throat*

students

faculty

parents

grandparents

Uncles that weren't invited but showed up anyway

handsome young janitors who are secretly math geniuses

and the homeless guy from with honors

my name is Andy Samberg and i was honored to be here today as I am

unqualified.

There's a storied history of incredible Class Day speakers here:

Nobel Prize laureate Mother Teresa

Former US president Bill Clinton

and now me

The fake rap wiener songs guy.

I'm also just

over the moon to be receiving an honorary degree here today... I mean,

never

in my wildest

dreams, did I... what's that? ...No degree?

So what... I'm just like,

a professor, or...

Oh- nothing.

Then why am I here?

Dean Hammonds,

You've lied to me!

Alright, then, uh, this crappy speech then...

I flew my folks in...

Here we go.

Class of Two Thousand and Twelve

You are graduating from college

that means this is the first day of the last day of your life... no, that's wrong.

this

is the last day of the first day

of school... nope, that's worse.

Uh....

This is a day.

You know, I

too turned to Webster's Dictionary and uh,

it defined Harvard as

this season for gathering crops

And admittedly that's actually the definition of "harvest"

but it was the closest word I could find to Harvard that wasn't a proper noun.

And in the end isn't that what Harvard is really about, though:

planting the seeds of knowledge that eventually produce

crops-A.K.A, money.

in order to this satisfy the farmers... your parents

who pay, like,

forty five thousand crops a year

to send you harvest

Just so you could major in women's agriculture

You see what i'm doing.

Before I move on, uh, the world outside of harvard has asked me to make a quick

announcement

the following majors are apparently useless after tomorrow

history,

literature,

all things related to art,

social studies, east asian studies,

pretty much anything that ends with "studies".

uh... romance languages and uh...

finally

folklore and mythology? *laughs*

Come on, guys.

Just study something useful and play World of Warcraft in your free time, okay?

Anyhow, all those majors now useless

unless you can somehow turn them into an iPhone app.

uh... math and science majors, you guys are poor.

Finally,

But 2012 is a great time to be graduating from college

Sure, the job market's a little slow

Sure, our health care and social security systems are going to evaporate in

five years

Sure, you'll have to work till you're 80 to support your 110 year old

parents who will live forever because of nanotechnology

Sure, the concept of love will soon disappear, leaving us all lonly robots

ready to kill our best friend for a lukewarm cup of microchip soup,

but that doesn't matter, because tomorrow, you graduate from harvest...Harvard... from

Harvard

is where you will graduate

Now, I'm sure a lot of you are looking up here and thinking,

what makes this guy so special

you know, was he accomplished

He didn't even go to Harvard!

Well to you, I say this:

I didn't even apply to Harvard,

because I knew I wouldn't get in!

Boom, suck on that! I didn't accept you,

esteemed college, I'd break up first.

I move on and you see me with my hot new girlfriend and she's riding shotgun in my

convertible Sebring.

That's right, it's the one Harvard was begging me to rent when we went up the coast, and I'm just laughing

and looking really fit, like,

"Has he been hitting the gym?" Nope.

I've just been eating right and making positive choices.

Man, I really wanted that honorary degree!

Well, I guess the old saying is true

"Never trust Dean Hammonds!"

Regardless,

Harvard remains iconic in our culture

one thing that sticks out of my mind is the central role this campus played in

one of the most important films ever made about

social connections and how we communicate

i'm referring of course to 1986 whimsical blackface romp, "Soul Man".

starring C. Thomas Howell as a white student posing as an African-American in

order to exploit affirmative action.

He was at Harvard Law that movie,

and that movie exists.

Now, most of you don't know this yet,

but Harvard is one of the few schools you can attend that can also eventually

become your workplace nickname.

"Whose edamame is this in the break room?" "Probably Harvard's".

"Whose Vespa's in my parking spot?" uh, "I'm going with Harvard's!"

In fact, once you graduate, you can never wear your Harvard sweatshirt in public

again without looking like a world-class a-hole.

I honestly think the Coop should sell University of Michigan T-shirts that

you can wear

just to blend in once you're out of here.

And to clarify, when I say "The Coop", I mean your campus bookstore,

and not famous film actor Bradley Cooper

whom i also referred to as the Coop,

And who also sells books and sweatshirts in his free time.

Speaking of fame, Harvard has many famous alumni

Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates

just a few ex-students that started successful businesses after dropping out

which means it here in this crowd today and graduating

you're destined to be a massive failure.

Sorry, those are just the facts.

Also a fact,

Class Day is a terrible name for a day when you don't have to go to class,

like, ever again.

It's pretty much like calling New Year's Eve sobriety night.

"Hey, you going out for Sobriety Night?" "Yeah, it's gonna suck."

And now on a more literary note,

I'd like to read a poem

by the great W. B. Yeats

which is actually pronounced, "Yeets".

A lot of people don't know that.

thanks for the heads up, Barney Frank.

anyways

This is a truly beautiful and poignant passage

from the 1929 collection, "The Winding Stair and Other Poems".

and I think it's especially applicable to today's ceremonies. It goes like this:

*sings* "This is how we do it!"

*audience laughs*

*sings* "This is how we do it!"

"It's Friday night and I feel all right"

"Hit the shore, 'cause I'm faded"

"Honeys in the streets say, yo, Mama, yeah, we made it!"

There's more, but you get it... classic Yeats.

An important poet.

*Clears throat*. Well, now, I am truly excited to be here today to be honest.

At 33 years of age I haven't endured or lived that much more than you

guys so

in order to give you a broader scope of what's to come,

I reached out and asked for some words of wisdom from some people that I thought

were relevant to your experience here

uh... the aforementioned Mark Zuckerberg

who as a Harvard student was kind enough to send me some remarks

that i will relate to you now

Uh, hey, guys. It's me, Mark.

Or, as my friend Kofi Annan calls me, Zuckleberry Finn *affected laughter*

He thought of that.

I just wanted to give a big congrats to you all, but really, more of a

congrats to me.

You know, since I left, things have gone so good, you guys. solely because

like, a six-year-olds fantasy of the future good.

uh... in fact, I recently completed the Harvard trifecta.

Start your own company, have a movie made about you, and marry an Asian doctor.

Trifecta!

So everyone out there, be sure to upgrade to Timeline, and lay off the Pinocchio's Pizza. *affected laughter*

I went to Harvard!

That's what he had to say.

Uh... I also,

as for the local experience asked

massachusetts native Mark Wahlberg to send over some thoughts for you guys

and uh... here is what he had to say.

uh...

*breathy voice* "Hey Harvard, how's it goin'"?

So you guys are graduating, huh? I think that's great!

Hey, we should do a film together, what do you think?

You guys are super smart, right?

Okay, just think about it.

Say hi to your mother for me, alright?

He asked me to say that to you guys.

And then finally

I asked blockbuster superstar Nick Cage for some remarks

i realized he didn't go to Harvard and he's not from Boston

But he has a special connection in this case that I'll let him explain.

Here's what he wrote.

uh...

Good afternoon.

As I write to you I am currently digging a tunnel

into the bowels of the Widener Library

When I finally breach it's mighty walls

I will steal the legendary Gutenberg Bible

And return it to its rightful owner.

Steve Gutenberg.

you know, I've seen some weird stuff in my day

In Istanbul, I saw a small child swallow a pelican whole.

In the Sahara Desert I saw a herd of oxen

fly into a portal and disappear from our world forever.

But no matter what I've seen there's one thing I've held to be true.

Love is the most powerful force this universe has to offer.

And we should show kindness to all around us.

With the exception of Dean Hammonds, who is a filthy liar!

And that my friends

is the true meaning of Hanukkah.

I'd love to keep writing,

But now the time has come for me to ride on to my next adventure.

What's that, you ask?

Simple.

I'm going to have sex with the statue of John Harvard.

and those

are my three impressions!