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  • hello everyone

  • my name is Matthew deSilva and I'm a marshall for the class of two thousand

  • twelve

  • And my name is francisco Miscliki and i'm the representative from Winthrop House.

  • With a diverse range of comedic talents

  • our guest speaker has established himself as a captivating and hilarious

  • entertainer

  • do his work and filled and television

  • most notably as a cast member in Saturday Night Live

  • for the past seven years

  • several films featuring our guest speaker have titles representing the perhaps idols representing some of the

  • emotions we feel

  • as our time at harvard comes to a close

  • parents, for example, will be proudly repeating the name of his upcoming film

  • "That's My Boy" as they watch us receive our diplomas

  • No phrase captures the nostalgia and bromance we have developed for friends

  • and block mates

  • like his two thousand nine film "I Love You, Man".

  • and some of you in the recent weeks have articulated the name of his two thousand

  • and eleven film "What's Your Number"

  • either out of genuine need more romantic desperation

  • you know, come to think of it

  • our guest speaker's Emmy- award-winning SNL digital shorts kind of parallels the class of two

  • thousand twelve's senior week events very closely

  • Well, we had the moonlight cruise... Our guest speaker had

  • "I'm on a Boat".

  • than we had "Last Chance Dance"... he had

  • "I Just Had Sex"

  • and finally we had Senior Soirée...

  • "I Just Had Sex".

  • clearly, our guest speaker understands what it's like to be a Harvard student.

  • So without further ado,

  • our two thousand twelve Class Day guest speaker

  • Andy Samberg!

  • Wait.... sorry, sorry, sorry

  • Stop the music, sorry

  • What happened there?

  • That song is just so emotional... I just met that guy!

  • alright...

  • I have to compose myself- the show must go on here...uh...

  • *clears throat*

  • students

  • faculty

  • parents

  • grandparents

  • Uncles that weren't invited but showed up anyway

  • handsome young janitors who are secretly math geniuses

  • and the homeless guy from with honors

  • my name is Andy Samberg and i was honored to be here today as I am

  • unqualified.

  • There's a storied history of incredible Class Day speakers here:

  • Nobel Prize laureate Mother Teresa

  • Former US president Bill Clinton

  • and now me

  • The fake rap wiener songs guy.

  • I'm also just

  • over the moon to be receiving an honorary degree here today... I mean,

  • never

  • in my wildest

  • dreams, did I... what's that? ...No degree?

  • So what... I'm just like,

  • a professor, or...

  • Oh- nothing.

  • Then why am I here?

  • Dean Hammonds,

  • You've lied to me!

  • Alright, then, uh, this crappy speech then...

  • I flew my folks in...

  • Here we go.

  • Class of Two Thousand and Twelve

  • You are graduating from college

  • that means this is the first day of the last day of your life... no, that's wrong.

  • this

  • is the last day of the first day

  • of school... nope, that's worse.

  • Uh....

  • This is a day.

  • You know, I

  • too turned to Webster's Dictionary and uh,

  • it defined Harvard as

  • this season for gathering crops

  • And admittedly that's actually the definition of "harvest"

  • but it was the closest word I could find to Harvard that wasn't a proper noun.

  • And in the end isn't that what Harvard is really about, though:

  • planting the seeds of knowledge that eventually produce

  • crops-A.K.A, money.

  • in order to this satisfy the farmers... your parents

  • who pay, like,

  • forty five thousand crops a year

  • to send you harvest

  • Just so you could major in women's agriculture

  • You see what i'm doing.

  • Before I move on, uh, the world outside of harvard has asked me to make a quick

  • announcement

  • the following majors are apparently useless after tomorrow

  • history,

  • literature,

  • all things related to art,

  • social studies, east asian studies,

  • pretty much anything that ends with "studies".

  • uh... romance languages and uh...

  • finally

  • folklore and mythology? *laughs*

  • Come on, guys.

  • Just study something useful and play World of Warcraft in your free time, okay?

  • Anyhow, all those majors now useless

  • unless you can somehow turn them into an iPhone app.

  • uh... math and science majors, you guys are poor.

  • Finally,

  • But 2012 is a great time to be graduating from college

  • Sure, the job market's a little slow

  • Sure, our health care and social security systems are going to evaporate in

  • five years

  • Sure, you'll have to work till you're 80 to support your 110 year old

  • parents who will live forever because of nanotechnology

  • Sure, the concept of love will soon disappear, leaving us all lonly robots

  • ready to kill our best friend for a lukewarm cup of microchip soup,

  • but that doesn't matter, because tomorrow, you graduate from harvest...Harvard... from

  • Harvard

  • is where you will graduate

  • Now, I'm sure a lot of you are looking up here and thinking,

  • what makes this guy so special

  • you know, was he accomplished

  • He didn't even go to Harvard!

  • Well to you, I say this:

  • I didn't even apply to Harvard,

  • because I knew I wouldn't get in!

  • Boom, suck on that! I didn't accept you,

  • esteemed college, I'd break up first.

  • I move on and you see me with my hot new girlfriend and she's riding shotgun in my

  • convertible Sebring.

  • That's right, it's the one Harvard was begging me to rent when we went up the coast, and I'm just laughing

  • and looking really fit, like,

  • "Has he been hitting the gym?" Nope.

  • I've just been eating right and making positive choices.

  • Man, I really wanted that honorary degree!

  • Well, I guess the old saying is true

  • "Never trust Dean Hammonds!"

  • Regardless,

  • Harvard remains iconic in our culture

  • one thing that sticks out of my mind is the central role this campus played in

  • one of the most important films ever made about

  • social connections and how we communicate

  • i'm referring of course to 1986 whimsical blackface romp, "Soul Man".

  • starring C. Thomas Howell as a white student posing as an African-American in

  • order to exploit affirmative action.

  • He was at Harvard Law that movie,

  • and that movie exists.

  • Now, most of you don't know this yet,

  • but Harvard is one of the few schools you can attend that can also eventually

  • become your workplace nickname.

  • "Whose edamame is this in the break room?" "Probably Harvard's".

  • "Whose Vespa's in my parking spot?" uh, "I'm going with Harvard's!"

  • In fact, once you graduate, you can never wear your Harvard sweatshirt in public

  • again without looking like a world-class a-hole.

  • I honestly think the Coop should sell University of Michigan T-shirts that

  • you can wear

  • just to blend in once you're out of here.

  • And to clarify, when I say "The Coop", I mean your campus bookstore,

  • and not famous film actor Bradley Cooper

  • whom i also referred to as the Coop,

  • And who also sells books and sweatshirts in his free time.

  • Speaking of fame, Harvard has many famous alumni

  • Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates

  • just a few ex-students that started successful businesses after dropping out

  • which means it here in this crowd today and graduating

  • you're destined to be a massive failure.

  • Sorry, those are just the facts.

  • Also a fact,

  • Class Day is a terrible name for a day when you don't have to go to class,

  • like, ever again.

  • It's pretty much like calling New Year's Eve sobriety night.

  • "Hey, you going out for Sobriety Night?" "Yeah, it's gonna suck."

  • And now on a more literary note,

  • I'd like to read a poem

  • by the great W. B. Yeats

  • which is actually pronounced, "Yeets".

  • A lot of people don't know that.

  • thanks for the heads up, Barney Frank.

  • anyways

  • This is a truly beautiful and poignant passage

  • from the 1929 collection, "The Winding Stair and Other Poems".

  • and I think it's especially applicable to today's ceremonies. It goes like this:

  • *sings* "This is how we do it!"

  • *audience laughs*

  • *sings* "This is how we do it!"

  • "It's Friday night and I feel all right"

  • "Hit the shore, 'cause I'm faded"

  • "Honeys in the streets say, yo, Mama, yeah, we made it!"

  • There's more, but you get it... classic Yeats.

  • An important poet.

  • *Clears throat*. Well, now, I am truly excited to be here today to be honest.

  • At 33 years of age I haven't endured or lived that much more than you

  • guys so

  • in order to give you a broader scope of what's to come,

  • I reached out and asked for some words of wisdom from some people that I thought

  • were relevant to your experience here

  • uh... the aforementioned Mark Zuckerberg

  • who as a Harvard student was kind enough to send me some remarks

  • that i will relate to you now

  • Uh, hey, guys. It's me, Mark.

  • Or, as my friend Kofi Annan calls me, Zuckleberry Finn *affected laughter*

  • He thought of that.

  • I just wanted to give a big congrats to you all, but really, more of a

  • congrats to me.

  • You know, since I left, things have gone so good, you guys. solely because

  • like, a six-year-olds fantasy of the future good.

  • uh... in fact, I recently completed the Harvard trifecta.

  • Start your own company, have a movie made about you, and marry an Asian doctor.

  • Trifecta!

  • So everyone out there, be sure to upgrade to Timeline, and lay off the Pinocchio's Pizza. *affected laughter*

  • I went to Harvard!

  • That's what he had to say.

  • Uh... I also,

  • as for the local experience asked

  • massachusetts native Mark Wahlberg to send over some thoughts for you guys

  • and uh... here is what he had to say.

  • uh...

  • *breathy voice* "Hey Harvard, how's it goin'"?

  • So you guys are graduating, huh? I think that's great!

  • Hey, we should do a film together, what do you think?

  • You guys are super smart, right?

  • Okay, just think about it.

  • Say hi to your mother for me, alright?

  • He asked me to say that to you guys.

  • And then finally

  • I asked blockbuster superstar Nick Cage for some remarks

  • i realized he didn't go to Harvard and he's not from Boston

  • But he has a special connection in this case that I'll let him explain.

  • Here's what he wrote.

  • uh...

  • Good afternoon.

  • As I write to you I am currently digging a tunnel

  • into the bowels of the Widener Library

  • When I finally breach it's mighty walls

  • I will steal the legendary Gutenberg Bible

  • And return it to its rightful owner.

  • Steve Gutenberg.

  • you know, I've seen some weird stuff in my day

  • In Istanbul, I saw a small child swallow a pelican whole.

  • In the Sahara Desert I saw a herd of oxen

  • fly into a portal and disappear from our world forever.

  • But no matter what I've seen there's one thing I've held to be true.

  • Love is the most powerful force this universe has to offer.

  • And we should show kindness to all around us.

  • With the exception of Dean Hammonds, who is a filthy liar!

  • And that my friends

  • is the true meaning of Hanukkah.

  • I'd love to keep writing,

  • But now the time has come for me to ride on to my next adventure.

  • What's that, you ask?

  • Simple.

  • I'm going to have sex with the statue of John Harvard.

  • and those

  • are my three impressions!