Subtitles section Play video Print subtitles hello everyone my name is Matthew deSilva and I'm a marshall for the class of two thousand twelve And my name is francisco Miscliki and i'm the representative from Winthrop House. With a diverse range of comedic talents our guest speaker has established himself as a captivating and hilarious entertainer do his work and filled and television most notably as a cast member in Saturday Night Live for the past seven years several films featuring our guest speaker have titles representing the perhaps idols representing some of the emotions we feel as our time at harvard comes to a close parents, for example, will be proudly repeating the name of his upcoming film "That's My Boy" as they watch us receive our diplomas No phrase captures the nostalgia and bromance we have developed for friends and block mates like his two thousand nine film "I Love You, Man". and some of you in the recent weeks have articulated the name of his two thousand and eleven film "What's Your Number" either out of genuine need more romantic desperation you know, come to think of it our guest speaker's Emmy- award-winning SNL digital shorts kind of parallels the class of two thousand twelve's senior week events very closely Well, we had the moonlight cruise... Our guest speaker had "I'm on a Boat". than we had "Last Chance Dance"... he had "I Just Had Sex" and finally we had Senior Soirée... "I Just Had Sex". clearly, our guest speaker understands what it's like to be a Harvard student. So without further ado, our two thousand twelve Class Day guest speaker Andy Samberg! Wait.... sorry, sorry, sorry Stop the music, sorry What happened there? That song is just so emotional... I just met that guy! alright... I have to compose myself- the show must go on here...uh... *clears throat* students faculty parents grandparents Uncles that weren't invited but showed up anyway handsome young janitors who are secretly math geniuses and the homeless guy from with honors my name is Andy Samberg and i was honored to be here today as I am unqualified. There's a storied history of incredible Class Day speakers here: Nobel Prize laureate Mother Teresa Former US president Bill Clinton and now me The fake rap wiener songs guy. I'm also just over the moon to be receiving an honorary degree here today... I mean, never in my wildest dreams, did I... what's that? ...No degree? So what... I'm just like, a professor, or... Oh- nothing. Then why am I here? Dean Hammonds, You've lied to me! Alright, then, uh, this crappy speech then... I flew my folks in... Here we go. Class of Two Thousand and Twelve You are graduating from college that means this is the first day of the last day of your life... no, that's wrong. this is the last day of the first day of school... nope, that's worse. Uh.... This is a day. You know, I too turned to Webster's Dictionary and uh, it defined Harvard as this season for gathering crops And admittedly that's actually the definition of "harvest" but it was the closest word I could find to Harvard that wasn't a proper noun. And in the end isn't that what Harvard is really about, though: planting the seeds of knowledge that eventually produce crops-A.K.A, money. in order to this satisfy the farmers... your parents who pay, like, forty five thousand crops a year to send you harvest Just so you could major in women's agriculture You see what i'm doing. Before I move on, uh, the world outside of harvard has asked me to make a quick announcement the following majors are apparently useless after tomorrow history, literature, all things related to art, social studies, east asian studies, pretty much anything that ends with "studies". uh... romance languages and uh... finally folklore and mythology? *laughs* Come on, guys. Just study something useful and play World of Warcraft in your free time, okay? Anyhow, all those majors now useless unless you can somehow turn them into an iPhone app. uh... math and science majors, you guys are poor. Finally, But 2012 is a great time to be graduating from college Sure, the job market's a little slow Sure, our health care and social security systems are going to evaporate in five years Sure, you'll have to work till you're 80 to support your 110 year old parents who will live forever because of nanotechnology Sure, the concept of love will soon disappear, leaving us all lonly robots ready to kill our best friend for a lukewarm cup of microchip soup, but that doesn't matter, because tomorrow, you graduate from harvest...Harvard... from Harvard is where you will graduate Now, I'm sure a lot of you are looking up here and thinking, what makes this guy so special you know, was he accomplished He didn't even go to Harvard! Well to you, I say this: I didn't even apply to Harvard, because I knew I wouldn't get in! Boom, suck on that! I didn't accept you, esteemed college, I'd break up first. I move on and you see me with my hot new girlfriend and she's riding shotgun in my convertible Sebring. That's right, it's the one Harvard was begging me to rent when we went up the coast, and I'm just laughing and looking really fit, like, "Has he been hitting the gym?" Nope. I've just been eating right and making positive choices. Man, I really wanted that honorary degree! Well, I guess the old saying is true "Never trust Dean Hammonds!" Regardless, Harvard remains iconic in our culture one thing that sticks out of my mind is the central role this campus played in one of the most important films ever made about social connections and how we communicate i'm referring of course to 1986 whimsical blackface romp, "Soul Man". starring C. Thomas Howell as a white student posing as an African-American in order to exploit affirmative action. He was at Harvard Law that movie, and that movie exists. Now, most of you don't know this yet, but Harvard is one of the few schools you can attend that can also eventually become your workplace nickname. "Whose edamame is this in the break room?" "Probably Harvard's". "Whose Vespa's in my parking spot?" uh, "I'm going with Harvard's!" In fact, once you graduate, you can never wear your Harvard sweatshirt in public again without looking like a world-class a-hole. I honestly think the Coop should sell University of Michigan T-shirts that you can wear just to blend in once you're out of here. And to clarify, when I say "The Coop", I mean your campus bookstore, and not famous film actor Bradley Cooper whom i also referred to as the Coop, And who also sells books and sweatshirts in his free time. Speaking of fame, Harvard has many famous alumni Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates just a few ex-students that started successful businesses after dropping out which means it here in this crowd today and graduating you're destined to be a massive failure. Sorry, those are just the facts. Also a fact, Class Day is a terrible name for a day when you don't have to go to class, like, ever again. It's pretty much like calling New Year's Eve sobriety night. "Hey, you going out for Sobriety Night?" "Yeah, it's gonna suck." And now on a more literary note, I'd like to read a poem by the great W. B. Yeats which is actually pronounced, "Yeets". A lot of people don't know that. thanks for the heads up, Barney Frank. anyways This is a truly beautiful and poignant passage from the 1929 collection, "The Winding Stair and Other Poems". and I think it's especially applicable to today's ceremonies. It goes like this: *sings* "This is how we do it!" *audience laughs* *sings* "This is how we do it!" "It's Friday night and I feel all right" "Hit the shore, 'cause I'm faded" "Honeys in the streets say, yo, Mama, yeah, we made it!" There's more, but you get it... classic Yeats. An important poet. *Clears throat*. Well, now, I am truly excited to be here today to be honest. At 33 years of age I haven't endured or lived that much more than you guys so in order to give you a broader scope of what's to come, I reached out and asked for some words of wisdom from some people that I thought were relevant to your experience here uh... the aforementioned Mark Zuckerberg who as a Harvard student was kind enough to send me some remarks that i will relate to you now Uh, hey, guys. It's me, Mark. Or, as my friend Kofi Annan calls me, Zuckleberry Finn *affected laughter* He thought of that. I just wanted to give a big congrats to you all, but really, more of a congrats to me. You know, since I left, things have gone so good, you guys. solely because like, a six-year-olds fantasy of the future good. uh... in fact, I recently completed the Harvard trifecta. Start your own company, have a movie made about you, and marry an Asian doctor. Trifecta! So everyone out there, be sure to upgrade to Timeline, and lay off the Pinocchio's Pizza. *affected laughter* I went to Harvard! That's what he had to say. Uh... I also, as for the local experience asked massachusetts native Mark Wahlberg to send over some thoughts for you guys and uh... here is what he had to say. uh... *breathy voice* "Hey Harvard, how's it goin'"? So you guys are graduating, huh? I think that's great! Hey, we should do a film together, what do you think? You guys are super smart, right? Okay, just think about it. Say hi to your mother for me, alright? He asked me to say that to you guys. And then finally I asked blockbuster superstar Nick Cage for some remarks i realized he didn't go to Harvard and he's not from Boston But he has a special connection in this case that I'll let him explain. Here's what he wrote. uh... Good afternoon. As I write to you I am currently digging a tunnel into the bowels of the Widener Library When I finally breach it's mighty walls I will steal the legendary Gutenberg Bible And return it to its rightful owner. Steve Gutenberg. you know, I've seen some weird stuff in my day In Istanbul, I saw a small child swallow a pelican whole. In the Sahara Desert I saw a herd of oxen fly into a portal and disappear from our world forever. But no matter what I've seen there's one thing I've held to be true. Love is the most powerful force this universe has to offer. And we should show kindness to all around us. With the exception of Dean Hammonds, who is a filthy liar! And that my friends is the true meaning of Hanukkah. I'd love to keep writing, But now the time has come for me to ride on to my next adventure. What's that, you ask? Simple. I'm going to have sex with the statue of John Harvard. and those are my three impressions!