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  • For this evening's talk. I've just come back this afternoon from overseas

  • and there's an email waiting for me and somebody was asking a question, and

  • I'll make it a subject for this evening's talk. In Buddhism we talk a lot about

  • loving kindness and compassion, but how can we use loving kindness and

  • compassion, they said, for troubled people? And how come we can we put

  • boundaries around those troubled people? And it's a very good question

  • because even though Buddhism is regarded as a very compassionate religion

  • or path, it also has to be a wise path as well. There's a very old simile

  • in Buddhism, a bird always has two wings and one wing is compassion and the

  • other one is wisdom. If you only have one of those wings, a bird can never

  • fly. If it does take off it goes around in circles, never gets anywhere. So

  • we always have to balance our compassion with wisdom and this is the case

  • in point here. We may have some difficulty in life and that's actually part

  • of life, life is what is difficult. If life was really easy there wouldn't

  • be much point in taking rebirth as a human being. It's the tests, the

  • difficulties which we face on our journey between birth and death which

  • actually provide us with the wisdom and the experience to understand what

  • compassion truly is and even to develop our wisdom even deeper.

  • For example, our caretaker Yong [?] was wise enough to know

  • that it was still a bit warm in here and also compassionate enough to turn

  • up the fans at the same time. So there you go, there's an example of wisdom

  • and compassion. If he was just compassionate and thought, 'Oh, may all

  • beings be cool', that would not have worked. If he was only wise and he

  • knew how to turn on those fans, that would not have worked. But when you

  • have wisdom and compassion get together, the fans get turned on and

  • everybody gets cooled down. But I'm sure there are some people though who are now

  • too cold! And I already see a few people putting blankets around them. [laughter]

  • And so even being kind to one person is actually torturing somebody else. [laughs]

  • This is one of the most important parts of compassion. When we practise

  • compassion and kindness it should always be to all beings. It's all beings,

  • not just this person, not just that person, but to all beings. And

  • sometimes when we practise compassion we have to put every stakeholder into

  • the equation. So because of this, because it's to all beings, sometimes

  • that makes life very difficult. How can you actually be kind to all beings?

  • And I think the solution comes in just the way that question was asked. I

  • think I've got it right, I may have not remembered the email accurately.

  • They called actually, there's some people called like troubled people. But

  • really I never see that there's actually troubled people. There's always

  • like troubled relationships. So it's not a person who's trouble, because

  • actually when they're a long way away they're no trouble at all! That's why

  • there's the old joke, you should avoid, you've got to understand a person

  • and to be kind you must always walk, walk ten miles

  • in their shoes to really understand them. And they always joke that that's

  • a very good thing to do because after ten miles you're ten miles away and

  • you've got their shoes. [laughter]

  • But when person's a long way away, of course it doesn't matter how mean,

  • nasty they are, they're no trouble to you. The only trouble comes when

  • they're right in front of you or next to you or they're associating with

  • you. So a troubled person, there's no such thing as a troubled person.

  • There's always the way that some people relate to you or you relate to the

  • other person. It's always troubled relationships. And it's not just people.

  • Because with compassion, it's not just people, it's sometimes things.

  • Sometimes life is so-called troublesome. Too hot, too cold. Sometimes

  • trouble is economic problems, health problems, how things go wrong in life.

  • So it's not just people, it's just life is sometimes troublesome. Now with

  • people you can sometimes get away from them. That's why I've got a cave in

  • my monastery. Got two doors, I can hide in that cave and get away. But no

  • matter how deep your cave is you can never get away from life.

  • And also, you can never get away from one person. You can get away from

  • your wife and your husband, from your friends, from your enemies. The one

  • person you can never get away from in life obviously is you. No matter

  • where you go, you take yourself with you. Sometimes that's why people get

  • into alcohol and drugs, just to try to escape from themselves. But of course

  • it's only a temporary escape because after a while, you're back there with you

  • again. And that's why also sometimes people get so upset with themselves,

  • they can't stand themselves, they even commit suicide. But even then as a

  • Buddhist I know that if you go and commit suicide and commit suicide to

  • try and get away from yourself, you're still there afterwards. And now

  • you're a ghost. So you're still stuck with yourself.

  • There's one thing I will let you know in life. You can never escape from

  • you. So if you can't escape from you, what should you do if you know you're

  • troublesome to yourself? It's not you the problem is, it's your

  • relationship with yourself. It's not the economic problem, it's your

  • relationship to that. It's not like a troublesome baby, I think it's a baby

  • in there, or a cat [laughter] squeaking in the corner over there. It's not the baby

  • over there, it's our relationship to that noise. That's the only difficulty

  • over there.

  • So first of all, lets actually redefine the question. How can you employ

  • metta or put boundaries in troublesome relationships? And those

  • relationships are with other people, with life, or with yourself. And of

  • course once we redefine it there it becomes more easy to see it's not the

  • other person's problem. Because too often we think 'It's their fault'. When

  • everybody thinks it's somebody else's fault, that's why we always get

  • conflict in this world. Palestinians think it's the Israelis' fault.

  • Israelis think it's the Palestinians' fault. I don't know, the workers

  • think it's the bankers' fault, the bankers think it's the government's

  • fault. The government thinks, I don't know what the government thinks is at

  • fault.. oh, the opposition. The government thinks it's the opposition's fault. [laughter]

  • And it's very easy to think that other people are troublesome. But again,

  • it's not other people!

  • There's one of Ajahn Chah's favourite stories and this actually comes

  • from an old story in the Buddhist commentary. Once there was a dog and the

  • dog had mange. And the dog's skin was so itchy, no matter if it scratched

  • it, the mange, the skin disease got worse. That's why sometimes in poor

  • countries you see dogs with no hair. So this mangy dog was just having such

  • a lot of suffering and so he decided to run away from the village and live

  • in the forest. So he went in the forest but still had the suffering there.

  • So he went actually under water in the pond but still his back itched. So

  • then he went under the shade of a tree, then out in the sun, then under a

  • rock. Wherever that dog went it was always suffering until it realised it

  • wasn't the village's fault, it wasn't the other dogs. It wasn't the forest

  • or the shade or the sun or the rock's fault. It was actually carrying

  • around the mange inside of itself. And that's an important thing to

  • remember that, it's not your wife's fault. It's not your husband's fault.

  • It's not the government's fault. It's not the economy's fault. It's not my

  • fault. Certainly it's not my fault. [laughter] And it's not your fault either. We take

  • this thing around with us. It's always our fault. It's a wonderful way of

  • looking at it, the mange is why we don't have a proper relationship to

  • things.

  • Sometimes in life you do have to deal with troublesome situations. Now

  • first of all, when you have a difficult situation, lets not say a

  • difficult person. A difficult situation in life. Sometimes you look at that

  • situation, it may be economic problems, it may be sort like an itchy

  • throat. It may be like your plane is delayed and cancelled. It's not,

  • that's not the problem. The problem is always what you do with that. How

  • you relate to that. How you make that work to your advantage.

  • So if I've got an itchy throat and start coughing like this, then people

  • have got much more sympathy for me and they don't ask so many questions

  • when I'm finished. So I actually turn it to my advantage so I can get to

  • bed earlier. If you have an economic problem and you know you haven't got

  • so much money, then you can become much more green in your life, be more

  • environmentally friendly. Because when you got poor you can't afford the

  • big things or you can't afford the car. And instead of getting a car

  • because you're too poor, you can get a bicycle which is not only good for the

  • environment but good for your health as well. So even in economic difficult

  • times you can turn it to your health advantage and other advantages as

  • well. There's so many things we can do. One thing I've often said here, I

  • told this in Colombo and people really were stunned by

  • it because they never heard this before. You've heard it many times before.

  • If you're in economic problems, what a wonderful advantage that is to

  • downsize. To get a smaller house or apartment or even better, a small

  • monk's kuti, a little hut. Because you'll find, number one, it's so

  • much easier to keep clean.

  • The smaller the house, the less room, the less housework. It's brilliant.

  • And also, the smaller your house, the less chance there is of any burglars

  • coming in. They'll take one look at your small house and they think, 'Wow

  • if that's the size of their house there's nothing in there.' Where do

  • burglars go? The big houses. Anyone's got a big house there must be big

  • things in there. So you have to have no problem with burglars and also

  • my most important things, when you have small houses, all the people in

  • those houses, because they're close together physically they soon come

  • close together emotionally. Big mansions cause so much loneliness in the

  • family. Husband in one room, wife in another room, son in their room,

  • daughter in another room and even the dog's got his own kennel in the back.

  • So why do we do such things? Big mansions actually separate people. Have

  • you ever noticed why sometimes the kids don't know how to get on with each

  • other or get on with their parents? When you're really stuck together in a

  • small place you have to get on together. I've just come back from Sri

  • Lanka. It's quite a big island, but there's so many people in that place.

  • They're all crammed together. So they have to get on with each other. Even

  • though it's actually crazy being driven along those roads. There's so many

  • traffic in there and tractors and goats and goodness knows what else goes

  • along the main roads, these are the main highways. But still, people,

  • because they're used to that, they're much more skillful drivers than sort

  • of here in Australia. At least those who are still alive are the more

  • skillful drivers. [laughter] They learn to get on together, they're so close together,

  • they have to. So there's no other alternative. So close proximity

  • towards each other actually is a good thing I think.

  • And sometimes our spread out suburbs, and we all know we don't know our neighbours.

  • I think it was actually Tim Costello once said that "more people know

  • the 'Neighbours' TV show than the neighbours living next door to them." So

  • we really should live in smaller communities so we get to know one another.

  • And that gives us social harmony, social cohesion. So this is just an

  • example there of, it's not the economic downturn which is the problem, it's

  • our relationship to it. And we can do it with loving kindness, embrace it

  • and make the most out of it. Otherwise we always carry the mange with us,

  • wherever we go, whatever we do. It's not the economic downturn that's the

  • problem, it's what we do with it.

  • It's the same when we have a difficult person which we have to deal with.

  • So how can you have loving kindness to a difficult person? There's many

  • people think if you have loving kindness to them, they never change. They

  • even get worse, they take advantage of your compassion. And of course

  • you don't have compassion to the other person, you put compassion toward

  • that relationship which you have. And this is what you deal with. It's not

  • them, it's not me, it's just what happens in between us when we're together.

  • So that's where I always put my loving kindness, in that space between me

  • and that bastard over there, wherever it is. [laughter] I like to use the local

  • language, please don't get shocked. So, I didn't point to anyone over

  • there, I wasn't looking. [laughter] It could be over there as well. It's not

  • particular. It's just an example.

  • But you know, some times there's some difficult people in life. A good

  • example of this is, you know that many years ago, this is part of the

  • history of Bodhinyana Monastery, we had a huge problem with clay trucks

  • past our monastery. It was noisy but that wasn't the main problem as I keep

  • on mentioning. It was the danger of those huge trucks with trailers down

  • that steep, narrow road. And once, I saw one of those trailers tip over.

  • They lost control. And I saw that and that was very scary. Because I knew if any

  • one of you would come to visit our monastery or a monk was visiting the

  • monastery or going or if I was coming or going, if we'd been in front

  • of that truck, we'd have no chance, we'd be dead.

  • So because of that I thought, we have to actually fight this, this is

  • wrong. But I was very impressed with the secretary at the time, it was

  • actually Ajahn Sujato. Because during all this time, in court

  • cases and legal wranglings, because it had to get to that. During this

  • whole time, it came to Christmas, and our secretary wrote Christmas cards,

  • Happy Christmas, may you have a wonderful new year to all our adversaries.

  • That really shook them and undermined what they thought of us. If you're

  • having a legal case with someone and you send someone a Christmas card they

  • think, 'My goodness what's going on here?' We even got told off, I think

  • because we're only supposed to legally contact our adversaries through our

  • lawyers. We should have sent the Christmas card to our lawyer who would

  • have given it to their lawyer who would have then given it to the

  • adversary. [laughs] Crazy system. We just sent it straight to them. So that, even

  • actually your adversaries, you're actually giving some loving kindness

  • because we realised it wasn't our, it was a common problem, it was our

  • problem so we have to work together somehow or another. Even during a legal

  • battle, no ill will. But we had to put some boundaries around this because

  • we thought this was wrong and this was going to cause injury if it carried

  • on.

  • So whenever you practise loving kindness it doesn't mean that you allow

  • other people to do what they want or you just give in. It is our problem,

  • the relationship which I had with those clay trucks was a difficult one.

  • You have to mend it, do something about it. But do something about it in a

  • kind and compassionate way.

  • Our usual problem is when we have a problem person or a problem situation,

  • too often instead of using loving kindness, which is incredibly powerful,

  • too often we use anger. And that anger never works. I've never seen anger

  • really work. It gives temporary solutions. You maybe force someone to back

  • off but really they just go and hurt somebody else, or they go and come back

  • and harm you later on. Because all anger does is it creates fear in

  • the other person. And when that fear disappears or they get stronger then they come

  • and do the same old things again. So anger never really works.

  • I remember once there was a nun in our monastery in Thailand. Years and

  • years ago. She had looked like a psychological problem. She was getting

  • anorexic. Thinner and thinner and thinner, we were just really concerned

  • about her. And whatever we said, she said no, she was fasting because it

  • was good for her meditation. Or she felt healthy. But to look at her, she

  • was skin and bones. Of course we were responsible if, you know I don't have

  • that problem obviously, but if any monk had a problem like that I'd be

  • responsible for them, I'd have to do something to make sure they're okay.

  • But whatever we did as monks, she just would not listen. A senior monk

  • come over from England and we said to him, 'Look, we haven't been able to

  • do anything. [coughs] Can you help?' So he brought the nun to her and this was a

  • very great monk, and he was such a kind monk and he looked at her and he

  • started shouting at her and scolding her and I thought, 'My goodness, this

  • monk, who I really respected, is getting angry.' And I'd never seen him

  • angry like that, ever. I thought, 'what's going on?' He was shouting and

  • scolding her and all sorts of stuff. And then afterwards she went away. And

  • just as soon as she went away that's when he changed his demeanour and he

  • smiled and said, 'That told her, didn't it?' [laughter] He was acting it out. And so I

  • was actually quite relieved. The monk hadn't gotten angry. He was actually

  • a good actor. He actually tried to use that as a skillful means. It really was

  • out of compassion. But it didn't work.

  • Even if you try, you just, and this was a very good monk. He had enough

  • mindfulness and control when he played at being angry he didn't become

  • angry. He could do it. But still it never worked. All the times which I've

  • seen, monks are trying to scold their disciples or I see men scolding their

  • wife or a wife scolding their husband, it doesn't really work. The whole

  • relationship loses its love, loses its kindness, loses the glue which

  • will bind it together. You feel so much remorse, so much unhappiness. It's

  • not really worth doing.

  • However, as I mentioned a few weeks ago, and I'm going to repeat this now,

  • this is a very powerful thing. If ever, in your relationship, someone

  • shouts and scolds at you, when they're finished, remember the 15 seconds of

  • silence after they've finished shouting at you. Don't say anything back.

  • Certainly don't shout back. When they've finished their shouting and

  • scolding, you look at them...and keep quiet for 15 seconds, giving them time

  • to hear what they've just said. To reflect on the anger which they've

  • poured out on you. Because if people have that opportunity to listen to

  • what they've just said, and you do that if you give the 15 seconds of

  • silence after someone's been shouting or scolding at you. If you give the other

  • person that opportunity they will learn what a stupid thing that was to

  • shout and to scold.

  • So there's other ways of dealing with a problem relationship. You do have

  • to put boundaries on people. You can be firm. You may have heard me, I was

  • just talking with Chiway [?] about our builder. We're

  • building a retreat centre. And the retreat centre is supposed to be

  • finished by April for the first meditation retreat. And we're looking at

  • the building and it's going really slow. So we've been quite firm with him.

  • So as a monk, I don't say, 'Oh builder, out of compassion and kindness, you

  • just take your time. If it's not finished for the retreat, never mind. I

  • don't want you to have a headache. You just do it as slow as you want.'

  • That would be really stupid, wouldn't it? Because you know what Australian

  • builders are like. So instead of doing things like that you have to be

  • quite firm. But it's compassionate, just keeping your relationship with

  • loving kindness. So your intention, your intention is to keep the

  • relationship good, firm, mutual respect, so you can get things done. You do

  • have to put boundaries. That's compassion with wisdom.

  • If you have that compassion with wisdom then it's not just being

  • compassionate to the builder, it's being compassionate to me. It's being

  • compassionate to all those people who are going to come on that first

  • retreat. So sometimes we do have to put boundaries.

  • Just like many Buddhists who work, who are managers or even CEOs or

  • supervisors. Sometimes they find it hard to tell people off at work. You

  • may have someone working for you who's not doing their job. An example,

  • you've got a troubled employee. What do you do about that? And you've heard

  • this before but it comes up in this talk. If you have a troubled employee

  • then you use what we call the sandwich method. You go up to them as soon as

  • possible, because if you let these things fester they get worse and worse.

  • So you go up to this person and the first thing you do is to give them some

  • loving kindness, some praise. Just tell them how much you appreciate them

  • working here. What a fun person they are to be here. Or find something

  • which you can respect in that person and let them know it. Because as soon

  • as you do that, people start to listen to you.

  • They open their ears and their mind because they want to listen to more.

  • Once their ears are fully opened and a channel into their mind is fully

  • open, then you hit them with it. Because otherwise if you go up to someone

  • and say, you put your facial features, your body language...'You stupid

  • employee, you don't know how to do things, you're hopeless. I don't know

  • why I employed you. Complete loser. Terrible.' Now of course people might

  • have said that to you. Do you listen to that? Does anything go in?

  • Straightaway whenever there's criticism a barrier goes up in front of you.

  • You defend yourself. You think to yourself, 'why is he saying that to me?

  • I'm not stupid. I'm a good worker.' You just don't listen anymore. That's

  • not a way to communicate.

  • So by praising the other person they're listening to you and they also

  • realize that you have metta towards them. You have loving kindness. You care

  • about them. What a wonderful thing it is to know that somebody actually

  • cares about you. And if it's a boss, you care about your employees, you're

  • also caring about your company. It's an important thing to be able to do.

  • If the employees know you're caring about them, they'll be more willing,

  • number one to listen, and then number two to take the advice and to maybe

  • alter. So after the praise you give them the criticism. But in a kind

  • voice. 'You're coming in too late. Or you can't do the job properly.' And

  • then you find out some strategies together because it is never your

  • employee's problem. If you're the manger it's your problem as well. Because

  • your big manager might sack you. Not because you haven't done the job,

  • because your employees haven't done the job. so we're all in this boat

  • together. So it's always our problem, so you try to find strategies.

  • These are the boundaries which you mean for kindness and compassion. 'Are

  • you in the wrong job? Can we get you another job? Do you need more training?

  • Is there something else we can do? Have you got any emotional problems at

  • home which is causing you not to perform well at work. What can we do to

  • help you?' So when you're in it together you work together

  • to find a solution. So this problem employee, or this problem person,

  • you talk. It's amazing what you can find out. That way you actually understand

  • where a person's coming from. And then afterwards to complete the

  • sandwich method so you can actually leave on friendly terms, you finish

  • with a bit of praise. You know, 'Please remember we really value you,

  • you're a good friend, I really like you.' Because that leaves with a person

  • wanting to maintain that friendship, wanting to actually work hard

  • and change themselves to please someone who's been kind to them.

  • That's actually how we use compassion in business and that's how you can

  • use compassion in the world, especially to problem people. Find out what

  • the problem is first of all. I recall one of my old school friends. He became a

  • teacher, a school teacher, and he chose one of the worst schools in the whole of

  • England. It was in Wandsworth, Wandsworth Comprehensive School, I think it

  • was. Actually I shouldn't say it's the worst school because the teachers

  • were very motivated. They had some tough kids in that school. That was a

  • suburb of London next to Brixton and it was at that time they had the big Brixton

  • riots in the south of London. So they had some very tough kids in this

  • school.

  • He told the story once that his class of kids came into the classroom one

  • day and one of the kids spat on his feet, on his shoes. Actually, not on

  • his shoes, just on the floor just in front, just after walking in. So he was

  • quite firm, he said, 'Clean that up.' And the kid said, 'Eff off.' Now what

  • would you do as a teacher you know, if somebody did that and swore at you.

  • So he said, 'Go straight to the deputy principal,' who was the

  • disciplinarian. So he sent the kid to the deputy principal. About a half

  • an hour, an hour later, the deputy principal came into the classroom with

  • his arm around this boy. The deputy principal had time to find out what was

  • happening with this kid and found out the night before the father had

  • viciously beaten his mother and she was hospitalised. The police had been

  • around. The whole family had been separated. Here was like a young 11 or 12

  • year-old who probably hardly slept that night who just witnessed his father

  • and mother, who he depends upon, the mother he loved dearly, just

  • viciously beaten and sent to hospital. He said, 'Now you understand why he

  • did that.'

  • Sometimes if you take the time, if you can take the time to understand why

  • a person acts in these ways you don't feel like you should get angry any

  • more. So this 11 year-old, if that ever happened to me, I'd probably do

  • something worse, just out of sheer confusion. An 11 year-old doesn't know

  • how to ask for help, except in these really strange, violent

  • ways. At least some 11 year-olds. So when we understand where a person is

  • coming from, are they really a troubled person? Should we just cut them

  • off? It's wonderful if we can have time to actually to ask them, 'What's

  • happening? Where's it coming from? What's really upsetting you?'

  • Unfortunately our society these days, we're so busy. And I'm busy person

  • number one probably. That sometimes you don't have enough time for each

  • other, which is unfortunate. But at least we can understand that some of

  • the reasons why a person is troubled or causing us trouble, is not that

  • there's something permanently wrong with them. Or they've been born in a

  • state where they're always going to be like this. There's some causes or

  • reasons for this.

  • So understanding this we can have some kindness, we can have some

  • compassion and if possible some understanding of where they're coming from.

  • Because many of us haven't got that time, we haven't got that wisdom,

  • sometimes again, out of compassion, we have to draw a boundary. Sometimes

  • we have to call the police. That sort of teacher had to send that boy to

  • the principal. We have to sort of move away to protect ourselves and to

  • protect people. We do have to have prisons. As I keep on saying here, that

  • prisons should never be for punishment, they should always be for

  • rehabilitation. Because I don't believe in punishment, I don't think it

  • really works. The only thing which I think happens

  • with punishment is people make sure they don't get caught next time. And

  • they feel somehow that they want to take revenge on the people who punished

  • them. Instead of punishment, learning, rehabilitation, understanding, why

  • we can't do these things, understanding the importance of relationships,

  • it's not just about me. I think many people have been hurt in life because

  • just like that kid having a family which is very violent, probably violent

  • to him as well. Goes straight inside oneself and think self-preservation is

  • number one. You have to preserve yourself because all the people they

  • trusted let them down. Violently. Such people, sometimes, they are so self-

  • protective they can't have a relationship with other people except with

  • violence. They are the problem people. It's wonderful if we can find some

  • way of drawing them out and giving them a life.

  • Over the years you do collect some stories of people who were born on the wrong side

  • of the tracks who make it in life. And one of the

  • stories which I read, I think it was in a prison book, it

  • was an amazing story. I don't know if it's got much to do with this talk,

  • but it's one of those inspirational stories which shows no matter how down

  • you are, you never know what's around the corner and how your life can

  • totally change. It was about this young, no, not this not young, this career criminal in

  • Los Angeles. In and out of jails ever since he

  • was a child because he ran away from home when he was six years of age. Violent

  • mother and father. Or not really a father but just many men. Always

  • being abused and beaten and not properly fed. So as a six year old he ran

  • away and lived on the streets of Los Angeles. Just living out and just gathering

  • food from wherever he could, mostly by stealing. Being a six year-old

  • he could get away with a few things. But that was his life. He'd get

  • caught sometimes and put into juvenile centres but because he had no family,

  • it started with petty crime and then just went up the ladder to more major

  • crimes later on. He had no chance. But he said when he was about a 40

  • year-old crim, sort of in one of the big jails in California for a crime, but

  • he was soon to be paroled. That was when he had a case officer who was

  • trying to make sure that they found him a job, got some work so he wouldn't

  • need to re-offend.

  • Now how can you get a job for a career criminal? Because who would want to

  • employ someone who was a thief, violent and got sort of a history of crime

  • stretching back to when he was six? He was almost unemployable. But, his

  • karma must have been about to ripen. Because this case officer, this young..

  • girl, knew someone who knew someone who knew someone who worked in

  • Hollywood. And they were about to produce a movie, a gangster movie and

  • they wanted the movie to be authentic. Not just like Hollywood gangsters,

  • but real gangsters. And he was about to be paroled, so she went to the

  • friend of a friend of a friend and said, 'Look, I've got this guy, he's

  • about to be paroled soon and he's the expert. He's like a criminal

  • consultant because he is one, been one all his life.' So the director

  • actually hired him as a consultant for the script writers so that the

  • language used in this movie could be authentic.

  • When the director saw him not only was the way sort of his language but the

  • way he moved, he looked like a criminal. So they gave him a part in the

  • movie. And the director was called Quentin Tarantino and the movie was

  • called 'Reservoir Dogs' which was the movie which made Quentin Tarantino's

  • name. And this guy went straight out of jail, unemployable to act in a

  • movie and just with that one movie he could buy a mansion, I think in

  • Beverly Hills, and retire for the rest of their life. And he actually

  • married his case worker. So he turned from a career criminal into sort of a movie star.

  • I haven't seen that movie, don't watch movies. But people say that of those

  • criminals in the gang, he's the one who really stands out as the tough guy,

  • the authentic guy. Because he was a criminal. He knew how it worked. So

  • there's actually a case where a person was really having a terrible time in

  • his life, everything was stacked against him. Sometimes we understand why

  • these things happen, why people are troubled, maybe you can actually give

  • them a bit of slack. Obviously protect yourself, protect them, but

  • rehabilitate. And all of the things which you learn in life, you can always

  • make use of them.

  • There's that famous story I say, you've heard many times. When you go home

  • and you tread in the dog shit, you never scrape it off your shoes until you

  • get home. Because when you get home, then you take off your shoes. You

  • scrape off the dog shit under your mango tree or apple tree. You dig it in.

  • And one year later your mangoes or apples will be sweeter than ever before.

  • Because of the dog shit. But when you eat that mango it's so juicy, so

  • sweet, you must always remember what you're really eating. It is, it's dog

  • shit you're eating. But it's amazing how you can transform the most

  • disgusting and smelliest of things into the most juiciest of fruits.

  • So that's why the problems a person has, if they know how to use them, they

  • can become just amazing qualities which people have in life. That's why

  • instead of punishing people, I like to rehabilitate and exploit. Exploit

  • the skills which people develop. They're troublesome because they don't

  • know how to use those qualities. Or use their experience in life, use their

  • wisdom. So I think all the things which happen to you in life, you can

  • make use of. Even the most unpleasant things can sometimes be the best

  • ingredients for your wisdom, compassion and understanding about life. So if

  • you do see a troubled person, that can be something which, if you have the

  • time and the skill to bring out in them, can transform to something amazing

  • and wonderful inside of them. Just needs to be transformed and encouraged

  • in terms of something. A power which is negative to a power which is

  • positive.

  • Of course I think that's the most wonderful thing about loving kindness. It

  • can actually maybe do that because with that kindness, instead of a person

  • retreating into themselves, or just defending themselves at all costs,

  • which is usually what problem people do. They're so scared of relaxing

  • and letting go and actually being with you, they just don't know how to

  • make proper relationships. A bit of kindness from somebody else, a bit of

  • respect from somebody else may allow them to open up and to be a friend and

  • then the problems will just vanish. In so many cases of people who were

  • problems and they found a good friend, somebody who did trust them, and

  • they lived up to that trust.

  • There's a story which if ever I write a sequel to 'Opening the Door of Your

  • Heart' will appear in that, and it's a story of the monk and the thief.

  • Once there was a monk, a Buddhist monk, an abbot of a temple. Early one

  • morning he was woken up by a sound in the main hall. It wasn't the monks

  • chanting because they don't get up that early. And so he got up early

  • himself, went into the hall, he saw a burglar. The burglar was trying to

  • open up the donation box with a knife. And as soon as the burglar saw the

  • monk, he threatened the monk with the knife. 'Get out of here or I'll kill

  • you.' And all the monk said, 'Sir, if you want to open up the donation box,

  • here are the keys.' And he gave the keys to the donation box to this

  • burglar. And he said, 'I can see you're probably very hungry, too. If you

  • just look above that box there's a cupboard.'

  • 'No tricks!'

  • 'Just above there is the leftover from this morning's food. Take something

  • and eat.' And the burglar, sort of, half looking at the monk to make sure

  • there were no tricks, he really was hungry, managed to open the top

  • cupboard. And there was some food there and he grabbed a couple of

  • sandwiches. Shoved some in his mouth and some in his pocket. And he opened

  • up the donation box with the key. Shoved the money in his pocket and again

  • waved the knife at the monk. 'If you tell the police I'll come back and

  • kill you.' And the monk said, 'It's a donation box. Maybe it's good for

  • poor people like you. Take it and go. I give it to you.' And so the burglar

  • ran away and the monk never did tell the police. Although he had a lot of

  • explaining to do to the treasurer of his committee. [laughter] It's not that much

  • money anyway. A few days later, what usually happens. Burglar robbing

  • another house, he got caught and sent to jail for many years.

  • After he was released from jail, he turned up at the temple again. Early in

  • the morning. He got out the knife again and he threatened the abbot.

  • 'Remember me? I robbed your temple five years ago.' And the abbot said, 'Oh

  • yeah, I remember you.'

  • 'I've come to rob your temple again.' Isn't that what happens when you give

  • too much metta? You're a pushover and people take advantage of you? That's

  • not what he meant. The burglar said, 'Last time I came here I stole the

  • wrong thing. I've been thinking about you all the time I've been in jail.

  • You are the only person who was kind to me. I realised I've stolen the

  • wrong thing. Now I've come to steal your secret of kindness.' He put the

  • knife away. 'Please make me your disciple.' And he became a monk. To learn

  • what compassion and kindness and wisdom truly is. First time he stole the

  • wrong thing. Now he came to steal what was really important. Kindness,

  • compassion and wisdom.

  • What would you rather have? A bagful of money or the secret of kindness? So

  • there's a lovely little story there about what's really worth taking from a

  • monastery. Not the donations in the box, but the kindness and wisdom of

  • people who know what's most important in life. And there was a troubled man

  • became at peace with himself. So often in life you do need these circuit

  • breakers so the troubled people can actually see what they're doing and see

  • another way in life. Sometimes our kindness and compassion can maybe generate

  • that circuit breaker so they can do things in a different way.

  • One of the other great ways of circuit breaking with kindness is again with

  • forgiveness. Forgiveness is such a powerful thing. Two weeks ago I

  • mentioned many cases of forgiveness. If a person has done a bad act to you,

  • a really bad act, and you go and forgive them. Really forgive them from the

  • heart, sometimes that can change their whole life. The very fact that

  • somebody has forgiven what was almost unforgivable, just is the circuit

  • breaker, because it almost, they can't comprehend why you can do that. To be

  • able to do this amazing thing. And when it happens it changes the way

  • people do things.

  • I gave a talk maybe a year or two ago in Curtin University, as part of the human rights course,

  • Human Rights and Religion. And one of the students at that human rights

  • course was Dennis Eggington. He's now the head of the aboriginal legal,

  • what's it called? Aboriginal legal support group, whatever.

  • Sorry? Aboriginal Legal Service. Yeah. Often see them in the paper.

  • And during my talk he said, 'It's amazing what you've just been talking

  • about', because he had an experience a couple of weeks before. A couple

  • of drunk drivers had rammed in to a car containing two Aboriginal boys

  • and killed them. And these two Aboriginal boys were really good students,

  • were not getting in to any sort of trouble at all. Were doing really well

  • at school, very promising, really good guys. The cream of the crop. And they'd

  • been killed by these stupid drunk drivers.

  • The problem was, the drunk drivers were also Aboriginal. And at the

  • funeral service, because it was all Noongars, everybody had to be there.

  • The two drivers were in custody but the father and other relations of those

  • two drivers had to attend the funeral ceremony. Together with the relations

  • of the two boys who had died. Noongar custom meant there had to be payback.

  • And payback means if you can't give payback to the people who killed your

  • children, to the closest relations. So the whole crematorium, it was in

  • Karrakatta, I think he said, was so tense. Because no one knew when payback would happen.

  • In the middle of the service the father of one of the boys who had died got

  • up and before, there was police there, and before the police could stop

  • him went for the father of one of the murderers. One of the boys who had

  • killed his son. Went for him, hugged him and said, 'I forgive. No payback.'

  • He'd broken the custom. But everybody was so impressed. Even though he was

  • quite young, at that time they made him an elder. The person who was wise,

  • who gained the respect of the whole community. It's amazing just what the

  • power of forgiveness can do. It can change a whole custom. And change so

  • much problems in our world to do something like that. So even though it

  • might be an age-old custom to have payback, here was a person who said,

  • 'No, I'm going to forgive and end all this cycle of violence.'

  • For problem people, forgiveness, that type of compassion is an amazing way

  • of changing the cycle of problems. Because the difficulty is, yeah, we've

  • got a problem person there. So we put a boundary around them or put them in

  • jail or just move away from them, is that really the end of the problem? Is

  • there going to be another problem afterwards? So with loving kindness,

  • compassion and wisdom we don't seek just for short term solutions. We want

  • a long term solution. A solution which is going to last in our world. How

  • we can deal with problem people and problem things.

  • Before I've run out of time, the problems in life. How do you deal with

  • problems in life? Do you just run away from it? Or just suppress it with

  • anger, with force? Go and get drunk or just run away to a cave or a

  • monastery or somewhere? It's no way to run away from problems. Problems in

  • our life. We use loving kindness to embrace it. Embracing it means we get

  • close enough together to really understand it. It may be a sickness, it may be a

  • cancer. It may be that you're dying or someone else is dying. But if you

  • embrace it and bring it close to you, you can actually understand it. When

  • you're running away, your face is turned in the opposite direction. When

  • you embrace someone you're actually looking at them face to face. When

  • you're running you can't see them because they're behind you. When you

  • embrace, you see. And when you see you may be able to understand. When you

  • may be able to understand, you may be able to appreciate the problem was

  • not the thing itself, the cancer, the death, but it's the way which we

  • relate to such things.

  • It's part of my job as a monk to take away the stigma of death. There's

  • nothing wrong with dying. It's okay to die. So if someone dies, you say,

  • I'm terribly sorry. Say you're glad. Wonderful, they're dead. They get a

  • nice new life again. Now they really are so sick and so old and ugly and

  • falling apart. Do you say that maybe you got rid of your old car and got a new

  • car, do you ever say, someone comes along and says, 'I've just bought a

  • new car today,' and they got rid of their old car, you don't say, 'Oh, I'm

  • terribly sorry your old car has gone to the wrecker's yard.' No one says

  • that. 'I'm delighted. You got a new car, well done! That's a nice model.'

  • So isn't that the same as dying? So you get a new model. So wonderful. So

  • you don't have to worry about the old car anymore. The old bomb of a body

  • which many of you've got. My body's getting to be a bit of a bomb now.

  • There you go. So.

  • And getting sick, what's wrong with being sick? You learn so much from these

  • things. Ajahn Chah always told me, 'Learn from the so-called

  • problems of life. They're your teachers.' That's perhaps the most important

  • point of this talk. If it's a problem person, or a problem in your life or

  • a problem in your health, these are our teachers. This is what we really

  • learn from. We learn compassion from facing up to those problems. We learn

  • the inner strength. We learn that this too will pass. That problem person

  • won't always be there. The sickness won't always be there. Certainly death,

  • it goes pretty quickly, only a few seconds and it's all over. Whatever it

  • is, you know it's not always going to last. Which gives you the wisdom, which produces

  • the strength just to be with it as it's visiting

  • you so you can actually learn from it. And we learn so much from these things.

  • We learn just how to be at peace with the problems in life.

  • When those problems aren't learnt there, how to appreciate the times in

  • life when there are very few problems. You don't take life for granted. In

  • other words, when you haven't got problems with your health, you don't take

  • those not-sick moments for granted. When your economy is going well you

  • don't take the good times for granted. That's one of the main reasons we

  • have economic problems. Too many people took those good times for granted.

  • Obviously it's not going to last forever. There are probably many of you

  • who did that, too. You should know as Buddhists, boom times are also

  • impermanent - anicca. They're going to pass, you know that. So

  • you should have sort-of squirrelled some money away. Not in banks because

  • those really pass but in safe deposits or I don't know where.

  • The best place probably to invest your money, squirrel it away is in the good

  • karma box. Donations to monasteries. Because good karma, the good karma

  • stock market never crashes. [laughter] So it doesn't matter how much you put in the

  • bank, that can disappear very quickly but your karma is there forever for

  • you.

  • So this way that we can learn how to deal with the problems in life.

  • To understand them. To learn from them. To grow from them. And the problems

  • also tend to disappear and grow as well. That way when we see someone, if

  • we have got the energy, the time and the spiritual strength, they're not a

  • problem any more. They're a teacher. Something we can learn from. As we learn

  • from them it's a two way street. They also learn and that person grows and

  • we grow as well. That's the whole purpose of life is growing in our

  • knowledge, in our wisdom, in our kindness, in our spiritual strengths, and

  • problems are what help us.

  • So that's the little talk this evening. It's supposed to be about dealing

  • with problems in life, I think it's pretty much dealing with problems with

  • metta, with loving kindness, but also with wisdom. So hopefully that

  • answered the question in one way or another.

  • Thank you for listening.

For this evening's talk. I've just come back this afternoon from overseas

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