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  • Are you a high performing athlete?

  • Do you strive for excellence and test the limits of your own endurance?

  • If so, you're the ideal candidate to drink our flavored solution of salt, sugar and water.

  • If you're not an elite athlete,

  • a regular diet of salted, sugar water may contribute to obesity or high blood pressure,

  • but we'd still like you to drink it.

  • As the elite athlete market alone is too small to support our business,

  • a solution of salt, sugar and water

  • is also helpful if you have a hangover,

  • extreme diarrhea,

  • or just wanted to feel marginally less guilty about drinking a soda,

  • we promise our flavored solution of salt, sugar and water

  • will temporarily satisfy

  • your obsolete, caveman brain's insatiable desire for sweets.

  • That's because it contains the same amount of

  • sugar as a can of Coke and enough salt to kill a banana slug.

  • And only Horton brand combines three secret ingredients

  • with bitchin' flavor names for a placebo effect that you can taste.

  • We also put words on the bottle

  • that seem connected to the idea of health,

  • but actually means sugar and salt

  • words like electrolytes

  • fuel

  • power

  • vitamin

  • and cooldurance.

  • I made up that last one.

  • Anyway, here's someone running on a treadmill

  • attached to sensors.

  • This does an excellent job of illustrating

  • the type of thing that is not part of our process.

  • Most professional athletes today

  • don't even drink salted, sugar water unless we pay them to.

  • You'd think they wouldn't need

  • the extra money

  • but they've ruined their bodies for your entertainment

  • and they must take what they can

  • before their spine degrade into a fine powder.

  • ahh, mehh

  • Kinda chalky

  • Horton flavored solution: salt, sugar and water.

  • This year there's a purple one called Panther Rain.

  • That's what I call a slam dunk

  • And Roger with the pick! arghhhh

  • I'm Roger, by the way.

Are you a high performing athlete?

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B2 US salt water athlete flavored solution horton

If Sports Drink Commercials Were Honest

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    Charlene Tai posted on 2015/07/14
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