Placeholder Image

Subtitles section Play video

  • [ Background noise and applause ]

  • >> You know some of our commentary

  • about sex can be very confusing.

  • Take for example the scenario of a student walking

  • across campus on the way to his or her dorm,

  • it's Sunday about noon

  • and their wrinkled party clothes belie the fact that maybe,

  • just maybe, this student had sex last night.

  • Now students tell me that if it's a guy on the way back

  • to his dorm, it's called the walk of fame,

  • but if it's a girl, the walk of shame.

  • Is there something wrong with that?

  • And you know I think probably one of the areas

  • where the most confusing commentary arises is

  • on that controversial topic of virginity arises.

  • I mean, take for example this question posed by the media;

  • have you slept with this man, probably not,

  • Tim Tebow claims to be a virgin but that question was posed

  • to ask along with an offer of one million dollars for anyone

  • who could prove undeniable

  • that they had taken his virginity.

  • Is it possible that sometimes our commentary is a

  • contradiction of the banner of tolerance that we waved

  • so proudly over sexual choice.

  • I said goodbye to my virginity when I just fifteen.

  • How old were you?

  • If you had it to do over again would you wait any longer?

  • I would have, I didn't bear any of the physical consequences

  • of my choice to have sex early, I didn't get pregnant,

  • I didn't acquire sexually transmitted disease

  • but my spirit was impacted.

  • I was depressed.

  • I felt like I'd given a piece of myself away

  • and I could never have it back.

  • That's probably why I've devoted my life

  • to spreading the idea that sex is worthy of something more

  • than a casual hook up.

  • I'm wondering if maybe some of you feel the same way.

  • I think it's possible because there are more virgins

  • than ever on college campuses.

  • These days about 19 percent

  • of an entire student population will claim to be virgins

  • that means that at Penn State there could be 8,360 of them,

  • not as rare as you might think.

  • Now, of course the majority of students are having sex

  • and they are having a lot of sex.

  • The average male will leave

  • with 9.7 sexual partners before he graduates from college

  • and the average female with leave with 7.1.

  • That's a lot of sex.

  • Now some of those students come to me to kind of sort

  • out their emotions and they tell me

  • that they wish they hadn't treated sex so casually.

  • I remember very clearly the conversation that I had

  • with one woman, she sat with me and she explained

  • that she'd gotten caught up in the party and sex scene

  • and she just didn't really like how it made her feel.

  • And so when she withdrew from that scene,

  • she experienced a great deal of ridicule from some

  • of her closest friends.

  • This prompted her to ask me why is there tolerance

  • for everything but abstinence here and I posed that question

  • to you to answer today along with maybe some encouragement

  • that if we had a clearer commentary

  • about how sex really worked we might be able

  • to create some acceptance for those who make this choice.

  • Now one of the myths that I hear quite often is

  • that you can hook up without commitment,

  • well it turns out that your brain,

  • not this blood pumping organ

  • about twelve inches below it is actually the seat of sexual

  • and romantic emotion;

  • still I have yet to read a Valentine's Day card

  • that reads my brain throbs for you.

  • So we might not really understand how significant our brain

  • is as an organ of sex.

  • When you have sex, neurochemicals wash

  • across the deep limbic system and the thalamus.

  • One of those neurochemicals is that of dopamine,

  • now dopamine creates this simultaneous sense of peace

  • and pleasure, but its real purpose is to drive you back

  • to the source of pleasure,

  • to create a craving if you will an addiction

  • to your sex partner.

  • Now another chemical is a beautiful chemical oxytocin;

  • oxytocin has quite a different role,

  • its job is to bond you to the person you're having sex with.

  • It's like relationship superglue.

  • So powerful is it that the very first time any human

  • experiences it is when they are barely born

  • and they are tiny little babies suckling

  • at their mother's breast.

  • That first download of oxytocin teaches that little baby

  • to enter into community and relationships

  • as only humans can through bonding.

  • Now you can't override these two chemicals

  • and their addictive and bonding agents

  • and that's what led one Stanford University sex researcher

  • to observe the fact that sometimes those in the Friends

  • with Benefits movement are coming back

  • to the same friend again and again,

  • they're just not calling it a relationship.

  • Maybe they're not unattached as they would like to think.

  • Friends with benefits might just be physically impossible,

  • your body makes a promise whether you do or not.

  • Another myth that I see perpetuated is

  • that you can have sex, great sex, without being in love,

  • can you have great sex without being in love,

  • well maybe physically, but do our emotions count too.

  • One Penn State study is students who have sex

  • for the very first time as college students found

  • that the day after, men felt great about themselves,

  • better even than they did the day before.

  • Women, on the other hand,

  • reported a significant decline in body image.

  • Now this confused me because it's very counter intuitive

  • to the oxytocin and the dopamine and cocktail

  • of other chemicals that wash across our brains,

  • they should not only bond us to our sex partners,

  • they should make us feel great about ourselves.

  • So I did a little research and I found

  • that a ground breaking study out of the University

  • of California revealed the fact that when a woman is

  • in a relationship that's not committed,

  • her brain doesn't make some

  • of the significant chemicals quite as magnificently

  • as one who's in a mutually monogamous partnership.

  • Maybe, just maybe, great sex requires great love.

  • One of the things that I've observe is

  • that the Hebrew cultures use to use a word yada for sex,

  • kind of like yada, yada, yada.

  • This word that our culture kind of thinks means blah, blah,

  • blah, boring, boring, boring,

  • not so boring to the ancient Hebrew and it meant to know

  • to be known, to be deeply respected.

  • Not one inkling of the physical it transcended that to talk

  • about the emotional connection

  • that happens during the beautiful act of sex.

  • In more modern times, a psychology today survey revealed

  • that when talked about when sex is the greatest,

  • they said it's more fun when we're in love.

  • Another myth is this.

  • Sexual pleasure is greatest when you're young and hot.

  • Are there any middle aged people out there today?

  • I have a little antidote for you, a little bit of science

  • and research for the bad jokes about marriage and sex.

  • A University of Illinois study found that those

  • who have having the most frequent

  • and the hottest sex were actually middle age people

  • in mutually monogamous life time partnerships,

  • not college coeds with lots of sex partners.

  • Now maybe, just maybe we don't really understand

  • that communication and commitment are two

  • of the greatest agents of sex;

  • maybe it's not about hot bodies and youth maybe it's

  • about commitment and communication.

  • I think these myths and a few others probably perpetuate the

  • great lie that somebody whose embracing their virginity

  • until the time is right is going to end up having bad sex,

  • but the evidence suggests quite the opposite.

  • Now here's the bottom line,

  • when you choose to have sex is your choice

  • but if your choice is to embrace your virginity

  • until the time is right,

  • that's a choice that worthy of our tolerance.

  • Tolerance is accepting someone's choice without judgment.

  • I think of Tina Fey and I find it ironic that when she came

  • out that she was a virgin when she first met her husband

  • and didn't even have sex with him until she was 24.

  • It was funny; we laughed a lot,

  • is that just because she's funny or is it possible

  • that her choice doesn't get the same tolerance

  • and acceptance as the other sexual choices in our culture.

  • I'll leave the answer to you but I want to say this

  • to the virgins out there about sex, you are going to love it

  • and I think that your choice is good one, a worthy one,

  • worthy of our tolerance and our acceptance and to you

  • and those who maybe aren't virgins but are choosing

  • to step back and to embrace a life of abstinence

  • for this time, I think there is nothing shameful

  • about the way you walking through life.

  • In fact if I were to call it anything, it's so brave,

  • I would call it the walk of fame.

  • Thank you.

  • [ Applause ]

[ Background noise and applause ]

Subtitles and vocabulary

Operation of videos Adjust the video here to display the subtitles

B1 US virginity tolerance choice yada oxytocin commentary

【TEDx】The Walk of Fame vs The Walk of Shame: Dannah Gresh at TEDxPSU

  • 410 12
    阿多賓 posted on 2015/06/21
Video vocabulary