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  • (applause)

  • >> THANK YOU, I HAVE-- WHOA.

  • THAT SEEMS REALLY LOUD TO ME.

  • BUT I DO HAVE ONE ANNOUNCEMENT.

  • DR. SOBIE'S STUDENTS-- IF YOU WANT TO GET CREDIT

  • FOR BEING HERE, AFTER THE LECTURE,

  • YOU NEED TO MEET WITH HER ON THE OUTSIDE

  • AND SHE'LL SIGN YOU IN.

  • OBVIOUSLY YOU KNOW WHY WE'RE HERE,

  • TO TALK ABOUT THE PSYCHOLOGY OF LOVE.

  • WE'RE GOING TO LOOK AT IT THROUGH SEVERAL LENSES.

  • WE ARE GOING TO LOOK AT IT

  • THROUGH THE SCIENCE OF PSYCHOLOGY,

  • SO WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED ABOUT LOVE,

  • LOOKING AT IT AS A DISCIPLINE.

  • WE'RE GOING TO LOOK AT WHAT CAUSES US TO BE ATTRACTED,

  • WHAT CAUSES US TO PAIR UP,

  • HOW MIGHT WE BE MORE SUCCESSFUL IN THAT,

  • AND THEN WE'RE ALSO GOING TO LOOK

  • AT SOME OF THE UNHEALTHY PARTS OF PAIRING UP,

  • AND WAYS IN WHICH WE MIGHT MANAGE THAT,

  • AND WE'RE ALSO GOING TO LOOK AT THINGS

  • LIKE BREAKING UP AND DIVORCE,

  • BECAUSE THAT'S ALSO A PART OF OUR LIVES.

  • AND SO, HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN AND HOW MIGHT WE MANAGE IT BETTER,

  • SHOULD THAT HAPPEN TO ONE OF US.

  • SO, I WANT TO START WITH SOME IMAGES,

  • AND I WANT YOU TO IMAGINE OR HELP ME THINK ABOUT,

  • YOU KNOW, ARE THESE IMAGES OF LOVE?

  • OR NOT? (audience chuckling)

  • I WAS PREPARED BUT OBVIOUSLY NOT QUITE.

  • NOW WE'LL SEE.

  • YES!

  • LOVE? >> (all) YES.

  • >> WE HOPE SO, RIGHT?

  • THEY'RE GETTING MARRIED-- IT WOULD BE A GOOD TIME

  • TO BE IN LOVE. (audience laughing)

  • HOW ABOUT THIS?

  • LOVE?

  • PROBABLY, RIGHT?

  • MORE LOVE?

  • LOVE? >> YES.

  • >> YUP.

  • OOO, WHAT ABOUT THIS? >> (all) NO.

  • >> YEAH, THEY COULD BE.

  • WE HAVE BAD DAYS, BUT MAYBE NOT.

  • WHAT ABOUT THIS?

  • IT'S SORT OF A LOW RUMBLING, RIGHT?

  • NOT SURE-- MAYBE?

  • HOPEFULLY NOT?

  • WHAT ABOUT THAT? >> (all) NO.

  • >> SO, WHAT IS LOVE?

  • WE SAW SOME IMAGES AND ONE OF THE THINGS, CLEARLY,

  • REGARDLESS OF THE LAST COUPLE TWO,

  • IT'S PROBABLY FAIR TO SAY THAT WHEN WE TALK ABOUT LOVE,

  • WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT ONE THING.

  • BUT THE KIND OF LOVE YOU EXPERIENCE IN YOUR LIFE VARIES.

  • THE LOVE THAT YOU HAVE FOR YOUR BROTHER OR YOUR SISTER

  • IS DIFFERENT THAN THE LOVE THAT YOU HAVE FOR YOUR BOYFRIEND

  • OR YOUR GIRLFRIEND,

  • WHICH IS DIFFERENT THAN THE LOVE

  • THAT YOU HAVE FOR YOUR GRANDPARENTS

  • OR FOR YOUR BEST FRIEND.

  • SO, ONE OF THE THINGS WE KNOW IN DOING FACTOR ANALYSIS--

  • AND FACTOR ANALYSIS IS ESSENTIALLY WHEN WE TAKE A LOOK

  • AT ATTRIBUTES THAT ARE PRESENT IN PEOPLE'S LIVES,

  • AND YOU CAN DO FACTOR ANALYSIS AROUND ANYTHING,

  • BUT WHAT WE LOOK AT IS PEOPLE IN LOVE

  • OR PEOPLE WHO HAVE LOVE,

  • CONNECTIONS BETWEEN RELATIONSHIPS,

  • AND WHAT ARE THE CATEGORIES THAT EMERGE

  • OVER STUDYING THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE

  • WHO ARE IN LOVING RELATIONSHIPS?

  • DR. STERNBERG IS PROBABLY THE BIGGEST AUTHORITY.

  • I GOING TO BET MANY OF YOU HAVE SEEN WHAT I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU,

  • BECAUSE WE COVER IT ESSENTIALLY IN EVERY CLASS.

  • WE COVER IT IN GENERAL PSYCHOLOGY,

  • WE COVER IT IN DEVELOPMENTAL PSYCHOLOGY,

  • WE COVER IT IN SOCIAL PSYCHOLOGY...

  • MAYBE NOT IN LEARNING.

  • CLEARLY NOT IN LEARNING.

  • BUT WHAT STERNBERG HAS TOLD US--

  • AGAIN, THROUGH THIS FACTOR ANALYSIS MODEL--

  • IS THAT THERE ARE THREE ELEMENTS OF LOVE

  • WHICH WE CAN COMBINE IN MULTIPLE WAYS.

  • WE'LL START DOWN HERE.

  • THAT YOU CAN HAVE LOVE THAT IS BASED ENTIRELY ON PASSION.

  • THIS IS THAT...

  • INNATE, PHYSICAL ATTRACTION TO SOMEBODY.

  • THIS IS, "I WANT TO TOUCH THEM.

  • "I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH THEM.

  • "I WANT--" YOU KNOW, DEPENDING ON THEIR DEVELOPMENTAL STAGES.

  • BUT THIS IS THAT PHYSICAL ATTRACTION.

  • INTIMACY.

  • INTIMACY IS THAT KIND OF LOVE

  • THAT YOU HAVE FOR YOUR BEST FRIEND, WHERE--

  • THIS IS WHERE YOU SHARE YOUR DEEPEST FEELINGS

  • AND EMOTIONS,

  • THAT YOU KNOW YOU CAN TRUST THIS PERSON.

  • IF YOU TELL THEM A SECRET,

  • THEY'RE GOING TO KEEP IT FOR YOU.

  • COMMITMENT.

  • SOME OF THE THEORISTS NOW ARE ADDING, WHICH I LIKE,

  • IS "CHOICE" TO THIS,

  • ALTHOUGH STERNBERG'S MODEL USES "COMMITMENT."

  • BUT I LIKE THE IDEA OF COMMITMENT/CHOICE.

  • THIS IS THIS IDEA THAT YOU ARE COMMITTED TO A RELATIONSHIP,

  • THAT YOU ARE CHOOSING TO BE IN THE RELATIONSHIP,

  • AND THERE ARE EXAMPLES OF WHERE THAT HAPPENS,

  • WHERE THAT ONLY HAPPENS.

  • YOU'RE CHOOSING TO STAY MARRIED BECAUSE OF THE FAMILY.

  • YOU'RE CHOOSING TO STAY MARRIED BECAUSE OF FINANCIAL REASONS.

  • THERE ARE OTHER EXAMPLES OF THIS-- YOU KNOW, YOU MAY NOT--

  • CLEARLY YOU'RE NOT GOING TO HAVE PASSION

  • FOR YOUR ELDERLY GRANDMOTHER, AND YOU MAY NOT HAVE--

  • IF YOU'RE LUCKY, YOU MAY HAVE,

  • BUT NOT EVERYONE CAN TELL THEIR GRANDMOTHER

  • THEIR DEEPEST SECRETS...

  • BUT YOU WOULD CARE FOR YOUR GRANDMOTHER IF SHE NEEDS IT.

  • SO, WE COULD HAVE ANY ONE OF THESE THREE.

  • BUT THEN, WE CAN ALSO START HAVING MULTIPLE VERSIONS OF IT.

  • COMPANIONATE LOVE IS WHERE WE HAVE BOTH INTIMACY

  • AND WHERE WE HAVE COMMITMENT.

  • AND FOR MOST OF US, THIS WOULD BE THE BEST FRIEND IN OUR LIFE.

  • THAT PERSON THAT WE REALLY ARE COMMITTED TO THEM.

  • WE ARE GOING TO CHOOSE TO MAKE THIS RELATIONSHIP WORK,

  • "I WANT TO MAKE THE RELATIONSHIP TO WORK,

  • "AND I KNOW THAT I CAN TRUST THEM EMOTIONALLY."

  • A ROMANTIC LOVE IS WHERE YOU HAVE INTIMACY AND PASSION

  • BUT NO COMMITMENT.

  • SO IT MAY NOT LAST VERY LONG,

  • BUT IT'S A WHOLE LOT OF FUN WHILE IT HAPPENS.

  • WE CAN TRAVEL AND SHARE THINGS AND JUST ROMP THROUGH THE HAY

  • AND DO ALL OF THOSE COOL THINGS, BUT YOU KNOW,

  • THE IDEA OF MAKING IT WORK--

  • ONCE ONE OF THOSE WANES, NOT SO MUCH.

  • PASSION AND COMMITMENT IS SIMPLY A RELATIONSHIP BASED ON SEX.

  • NO, PASSION ISN'T JUST SEX,

  • BUT IT REALLY IS THAT EMOTIONAL CONNECTION.

  • OF COURSE, WHAT WE'RE LOOKING FOR, AT LEAST IN OUR CULTURE,

  • IS CONSUMMATE LOVE WHERE WE HAVE ALL THREE.

  • THE VALUE OF HAVING MORE THAN ONE INTERSECTION

  • OF THESE IS THAT,

  • AS WE'LL TALK ABOUT IN A FEW MOMENTS, THESE WANE.

  • THAT IN A RELATIONSHIP, PASSION CAN COME AND GO.

  • YOU HAVE CHILDREN, PASSION DROPS.

  • YOU HAVE A LOT OF STRESS AT SCHOOL OR WORK,

  • PASSION CAN DROP.

  • INTIMACY-- "YOU KNOW, I JUST CAN'T TALK TO THIS PERSON RIGHT NOW."

  • SO, WHAT HAPPENS IS BY HAVING MORE CONNECTIONS,

  • YOU INCREASE THE PROBABILITY

  • OF A RELATIONSHIP SUSTAINING ITSELF.

  • I'M GOING TO SHARE WITH YOU A SINGULAR DEFINITION NOW

  • WHICH I THINK CUTS THROUGH ALL OF THE OTHER PIECES

  • AND MAKES LOVE A FAIRLY SIMPLE MEASURE.

  • THIS COMES FROM-- ORIGINALLY THE WORK OF PSYCHOLOGIST

  • OF ERICH FROMM.

  • M. SCOTT PECK IS PROBABLY THE ONE WHO PROBABLY MADE IT

  • MOST AVAILABLE TO THE PUBLIC.

  • OTHERS HAVE USED IT SINCE THEN, BUT DEFINES LOVE

  • AS "THE WILL TO EXTEND ONESELF FOR THE PURPOSE

  • "OF NURTURING ONE'S OWN OR ANOTHER'S SPIRITUAL GROWTH."

  • I LOVE THIS DEFINITION, BECAUSE IT MAKES IT REALLY SIMPLE

  • TO MAKE SENSE OUT OF, "IS THIS A LOVING RELATIONSHIP?"

  • AND BY "SPIRITUAL GROWTH," WHAT PECK AND HOOKS AND FROMM

  • AND OTHERS WHO USE THIS DEFINITION MEAN

  • IS HOW YOU CONNECT YOUR LIFE TO SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU,

  • HELP YOU GROW AND DEVELOP AS A PERSON,

  • HELP YOU HAVE MEANING AND PURPOSE IN YOUR LIFE,

  • HELP YOU FIND MEANING AND PURPOSE IN YOUR LIFE,

  • AND HAVE IT MANIFEST IN YOUR LIFE.

  • AND SO, A LOVING RELATIONSHIP SHOULD DO THAT.

  • BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEBODY

  • THAT IS A LOVING RELATIONSHIP

  • SHOULD MAKE YOU AND YOUR PARTNER OR YOUR FRIEND A BETTER PERSON.

  • IF IT'S NOT, THEN IT'S PROBABLY NOT LOVE.

  • IT MAY BE VALUABLE, BUT IT'S PROBABLY NOT LOVE.

  • SO, WHAT DOES LOVE MEAN?

  • WELL, LOVE MEANS KNOWING THE PERSON.

  • THAT MEANS THAT WE HAVE SOME LEVEL OF INTIMACY--

  • "I UNDERSTAND WHO YOU ARE, YOU UNDERSTAND WHO I AM."

  • THAT YOU CARE ABOUT THE WELFARE OF THE PERSON.

  • YOU WANT THEIR LIFE TO BE BETTER AND YOU WORK TOWARDS THAT.

  • THAT YOU HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY TOWARDS THE PERSON.

  • THIS IS PART OF THE COMMITMENT PIECE

  • THAT "I HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY THAT YOUR LIFE

  • "WILL BE BETTER BECAUSE I'M PART OF IT,"

  • AND CONVERSELY, "I KNOW MY LIFE WILL BE."

  • AND SOMETIMES, RESPONSIBILITY COMES DOWN TO SIMPLE THINGS

  • LIKE, "YEAH, I'LL PICK YOU UP AFTER SCHOOL.

  • "I DON'T WANT TO, BUT I WILL."

  • OR "I'LL TAKE THE KIDS HERE," OR "I'LL DO THE LAUNDRY," OR--

  • SO, THERE'S A RESPONSIBILITY.

  • IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT YOU MAKING ME HAPPY.

  • IT'S ABOUT A RESPONSIBILITY TO THE RELATIONSHIP.

  • THAT YOU HAVE RESPECT AND DIGNITY FOR THE PERSON.

  • WE'RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT ABUSE--

  • PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE-- LATER ON.

  • DIGNITY AND ABUSE CANNOT GO HAND-IN-HAND.

  • PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE CAN'T BE PRESENT

  • IF LOVE IS PRESENT.

  • I'M GONNA MAKE THAT STATEMENT VERY BOLDLY,

  • AND I'M GONNA COME BACK TO IT.

  • PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE CANNOT COEXIST WITH LOVE.

  • ACCEPTING THE IMPERFECTIONS.

  • IN FACT, THAT'S OFTEN TIMES HOW WE REALLY KNOW.

  • IT'S LIKE, "I'M WILLING TO SHARE WITH YOU THE LITTLE WEIRD THINGS

  • "THAT I DO, AND YOU'RE GOING TO SHARE THEM WITH ME

  • "BECAUSE I TRUST YOU."

  • AND THEN, AGAIN, THIS IDEA OF SPIRITUAL DEVELOPMENT

  • OR MOVING TOWARDS SOMETHING BIGGER.

  • GROWTH FOR BOTH PEOPLE IN THE RELATIONSHIP.

  • SO, IF WE'VE TALKED ABOUT WHAT LOVE IS,

  • WHY IS IT THAT WE HAVE LOVE IN OUR LIVES?

  • WHY IS LOVE PRESENT?

  • WELL, IT'S ACTUALLY PRETTY SIMPLE.

  • NUMBER ONE, IT'S A SURVIVAL NEED.

  • WE ARE SOCIAL ANIMALS.

  • AT OUR CORE, WE HAVE A DRIVE TO LIVE IN COMMUNITY.

  • BECAUSE THE FACT IS, AS A SPECIES,

  • WE ARE REALLY INADEQUATE.

  • THINK ABOUT LONG BEFORE THERE WERE STREETS AND POLICE OFFICERS

  • AND THINGS LIKE GUNS AND BOWS AND ARROWS.

  • AS A SPECIES, BY OURSELVES, WE CAN'T RUN VERY FAST,

  • WE'RE NOT VERY STRONG, WE DON'T HAVE BIG TEETH,

  • WE DON'T HIDE WELL.

  • SO, WE SURVIVED THROUGH OUR BRAINS

  • AND THROUGH COMING TOGETHER AS A GROUP.

  • SO, WE HAVE AN INNATE NEED TO LIVE TOGETHER IN COMMUNITY.

  • IT'S A SURVIVAL NEED.

  • OF COURSE, NO SPECIES SURVIVES

  • WITHOUT CREATING LITTLE ONES...

  • SO WE HAVE A DRIVE NOT ONLY TO LIVE IN COMMUNITY,

  • BUT TO PAIR UP AND HAVE BABIES.

  • WE'VE CREATED CULTURAL NORMS THAT SAYS THAT BABY PROCESS

  • IS PART OF A COUPLING PROCESS.

  • THAT'S OKAY.

  • SOCIALIZATION.

  • AS PART OF COUPLING, WE ALSO--

  • AND PART OF LIVING IN COMMUNITY IS SURVIVAL,

  • WE ALSO HAVE A NEED TO SOCIALIZE.

  • IT'S REALLY NICE TO HAVE SOMEBODY THERE

  • TO HAVE DINNER WITH AT NIGHT.

  • NOT JUST TO PROTECT YOU, SHOULD YOUR HOUSE BREAK DOWN

  • AND YOU GOT A BUNCH OF WOLVES COMING AT YOU,

  • GOING BACK TO SURVIVAL MODE, BUT WE LIKE TO TALK TO PEOPLE.

  • WE WANT SOMEBODY TO GO TO DINNER WITH, TO GO TO THE MOVIES WITH,

  • SOMEBODY THAT WE CAN SHOW UP WITH TO A PARTY.

  • AND THEN LASTLY, AFFIRMATION.

  • THIS IS A REALLY IMPORTANT ONE BECAUSE THE VALUE OF FRIENDS

  • AND THE VALUE OF LOVE IN OUR LIVES BEYOND JUST SURVIVAL

  • IS THAT OUR FRIENDS AFFIRM US,

  • OUR FRIENDS HELP US FEEL GOOD ABOUT OURSELVES.

  • THAT'S ONE OF THE PRIMARY REASONS THAT WE HAVE FRIENDS

  • IS TO HELP US MAKE SENSE OUT OF THE WORLD

  • AND TO HELP US MAKE OURSELVES FEEL GOOD ABOUT OURSELVES.

  • ALL RIGHT, SO NOW, THE "WHY."

  • SO WHAT CAUSES US TO ATTRACT?

  • WHAT CAUSES US TO GET TOGETHER?

  • DO BIRDS OF A FEATHER FLOCK TOGETHER?

  • OR DO OPPOSITES ATTRACT?

  • ONE OF THE BIG QUESTIONS, RIGHT?

  • ONE OF THE BIG MYTHS THAT ARE OUT THERE.

  • WELL, IF YOU THINK ABOUT THESE AND PARTICULARLY THIS LAST ONE,

  • YOU ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER.

  • BECAUSE OPPOSITES DON'T MAKE FOR A VERY SUSTAINING RELATIONSHIP,

  • BECAUSE OPPOSITES ARE NOT AFFIRMING.

  • WE'LL TALK MORE ABOUT THAT IN A SECOND.

  • SO...

  • WHAT ARE THE FACTORS THAT CAUSE PEOPLE TO GET TOGETHER?

  • THERE IS ACTUALLY A LOT,

  • WHICH IS PROBABLY WHY IT'S HARD TO REALLY FIND SOMEBODY,

  • BECAUSE IT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE.

  • THERE'S A WHOLE BUNCH OF CONTRIBUTING FACTORS.

  • ONE OF THEM IS SIMPLE PROXIMITY.

  • YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SITS NEAR YOU IN CLASS

  • MORE THAN THE PEOPLE WHO DON'T.

  • IN FACT, THERE HAVE BEEN MULTIPLE STUDIES

  • THAT HAVE LOOKED AT THAT.

  • SIMPLE PROXIMITY CAUSES YOU TO LIKE PEOPLE MORE,

  • THE CLOSER YOU ARE OVER TIME TO THE PEOPLE.

  • THE PEOPLE WHO LIVE ON YOUR DORM FLOOR,

  • THE PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN YOUR APARTMENT,

  • THE PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD.

  • THAT'S NOT TO SUGGEST YOU LIKE EVERYBODY WHO LIVES IN YOUR DORM

  • OR EVERYBODY WHO LIVES ON YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD

  • OR EVERYBODY IN YOUR CLASSROOM, BUT IN GENERAL,

  • THOSE PEOPLE WHO ARE CLOSER TO YOU PHYSICALLY, WHEN EVALUATED,

  • YOU LIKE MORE THAN THOSE WHO AREN'T.

  • INTERACTION.

  • THE MORE YOU INTERACT WITH PEOPLE

  • INCREASES YOUR LIKENESS FOR THEM.

  • IF YOU MOVE TO A NEW NEIGHBORHOOD, A NEW CITY,

  • A NEW SCHOOL, ONE OF THE BEST THINGS YOU CAN DO

  • IS PARK NEAR THE DOOR,

  • BECAUSE WHAT HAPPENS IS AS YOU WALK INTO SCHOOL,

  • YOU INTERACT WITH LOTS OF PEOPLE.

  • JUST SIMPLE INTERACTION CAUSES US TO LIKE PEOPLE MORE.

  • JUST CASUAL INTERACTION LIKE, "HI, HOW ARE YOU"

  • AS YOU'RE WALKING IN,

  • AND THE MORE YOU INTERACT WITH THOSE PEOPLE,

  • THE MORE YOU TEND TO LIKE THEM.

  • JUST THE ANTICIPATION OF INTERACTION--

  • A MARVELOUS LITTLE STUDY THAT WAS DONE WITH ADULTS,

  • AND IT SHOWED THEM--

  • TWO SAME PROFILES OF TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE,

  • AND THEY HAD THEM EVALUATE-- SO "HERE'S A PICTURE,

  • "AND THEN HERE'S A WHOLE BUNCH CHARACTERISTICS

  • "ABOUT THIS PERSON."

  • AND TWO GROUPS GOT THE SAME PROFILE.

  • BUT IN ONE-- THE INDEPENDENT VARIABLE--

  • IN ONE OF THEM, THEY WERE TOLD,

  • "AND YOU'RE GOING TO MEET THIS PERSON NEXT WEEK,"

  • AND THEN THEY HAD THEM EVALUATE HOW MUCH THEY LIKED

  • THIS PERSON.

  • NOW, THEY HADN'T MET THEM YET, RIGHT?

  • THEY'RE JUST, "HERE'S A SHEET, HERE'S THE PICTURE,

  • "HERE'S THE PROFILE, HERE'S THE QUALITIES,

  • "THE ATTRIBUTES, OF THIS PERSON."

  • THE EXACT SAME ONE, EXCEPT IN ONE GROUP THEY WERE TOLD,

  • "YOU'RE GOING TO MEET THIS PERSON NEXT WEEK."

  • GUESS WHAT?

  • THOSE WHO WERE TOLD

  • THEY WERE GOING TO MEET THE PERSON NEXT WEEK

  • LIKED THE PERSON IN THE PROFILE MORE

  • THAN THOSE WHO WEREN'T TOLD

  • THEY WERE GOING TO MEET THE PERSON.

  • SO, SIMPLY ANTICIPATING THAT YOU'RE GOING TO MEET THE PERSON

  • ACTUALLY INCREASES HOW MUCH YOU LIKE THEM.

  • THE MERE EXPOSURE EFFECT,

  • WHICH IS IN PART A COMBINATION OF THESE--

  • THE MORE YOU'RE EXPOSED TO A PHENOMENA, WHATEVER IT IS,

  • THE MORE YOU LIKE IT.

  • ADVERTISING, PEOPLE-- DOESN'T MATTER-- SONGS.

  • IF YOU THINK ABOUT MOST SONGS THAT YOU REALLY LIKE,

  • THE FIRST TIME YOU HEARD IT, NOT SO GREAT.

  • BUT YOU STARTED HEARING IT OVER AND OVER

  • AND YOU STARTED LIKING IT MORE.

  • NOW YES, THERE ARE SONGS THAT YOU GET SICK OF, RIGHT?

  • THEY PLAY IT OVER AND OVER-- "DON'T PLAY THAT ANYMORE."

  • BUT HERE'S THE THING-- EVEN WHEN YOU DON'T LIKE IT ANYMORE

  • BECAUSE YOU'VE HEARD IT SO MANY TIMES,

  • YOU STILL LIKE IT MORE THAN THE FIRST TIME YOU HEARD IT.

  • SO WHILE YOUR LIKENESS MIGHT DECREASE

  • BECAUSE IT'S BECOME OBNOXIOUS...

  • AND THEN, OVER A PERIOD OF TIME, LIKE 10 YEARS LATER,

  • YOU HEAR IT AND YOU LIKE IT AGAIN.

  • SO, SIMPLY BEING EXPOSED TO SOMETHING,

  • SIMPLY BEING EXPOSED TO A PERSON,

  • CAUSES YOU TO LIKE THEM MORE.

  • AND THERE'S MORE.

  • LIKE I SAID, IT'S REALLY HARD TO FIGURE OUT

  • HOW YOU'RE GOING TO ACTUALLY COUPLE UP WITH SOMEBODY.

  • EXCLUSIONARY CRITERIA.

  • YOU SEE, IT'S NOT JUST WHAT DRAWS US TO PEOPLE,

  • BUT EVERY ONE OF YOU HAS AN EXCLUSIONARY CRITERIA.

  • EVERY ONE OF YOU HAS SOME CERTAIN THINGS

  • THAT YOU WILL NOT ACCEPT IN A PARTNER.

  • SO, IN EFFECT, IT'S MORE POWERFUL

  • THAN WHAT YOU WANT IN A PARTNER.

  • SO, YOU HAVE A LITTLE LIST, RIGHT?

  • LIKE WHAT?

  • IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE FOR YOU,

  • BUT WHAT MIGHT SOME OF THESE THINGS BE?

  • >> CAN'T HAVE KIDS. >> CAN'T HAVE KIDS.

  • WELL, FOR SOME-- AND THAT'S FAIR.

  • IT CHANGES OVER TIME, RIGHT?

  • THAT DOESN'T WORK WHEN YOU'RE 40 AND DIVORCED--

  • YOU KNOW, I'VE GOT THREE KIDS,

  • BUT I DON'T WANT TO MARRY SOMEBODY WHO HAS KIDS.

  • OBVIOUSLY, OVER TIME, IT CHANGES.

  • BUT IN SOME CASES, "I DON'T WANT KIDS.

  • "I WANT TO HAVE MY OWN."

  • >> FACIAL HAIR. >> FACIAL HAIR.

  • DON'T WANT SOMEBODY WHO HAS FACIAL HAIR,

  • ESPECIALLY MY WIFE, RIGHT? (audience laughing)

  • >> SMOKER. >> SMOKER.

  • I DON'T WANT SOMEBODY WHO SMOKES.

  • NOW, IF I DO SMOKE,

  • THEN I WANT SOMEBODY WHO'S ACCEPTING OF SMOKING

  • OR WHO DOES SMOKE.

  • A COUPLE MORE. >> MONEY.

  • >> MONEY-- YOU WANT SOMEBODY WHO DOESN'T HAVE MONEY?

  • (audience laughing)

  • SO, YOU WANT SOMEBODY WHO HAS A STABLE CAREER.

  • ONE MORE. >> RELIGION.

  • >> YOU DON'T WANT SOMEBODY WHO HAS EXTREMELY DIFFERENT

  • RELIGIOUS BELIEFS.

  • SO, WHAT HAPPENS IS WE HAVE THIS LIST.

  • NOW, YOU HAVE TO BE CAREFUL.

  • WHILE YOUR LIST MIGHT BE RATHER LONG-- 8, 10, 12, RIGHT?

  • IF YOU REALLY, REALLY, REALLY DON'T PRIORITIZE IT

  • AROUND THREE OR FOUR, JUST BE HAPPY BEING LONELY.

  • (audience laughing)

  • BECAUSE YOU KNOW, IF YOUR LIST IS REALLY LONG-- 8, 12--

  • THEN YOU'RE A LITTLE PICKY.

  • (audience laughing) OKAY, SIMILARITY.

  • THIS IS ONE OF THE PRIMARY ISSUES

  • FOR ANY KIND OF LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP.

  • AND IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT INTUITIVELY, YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE.

  • IF PART OF THE REASON FOR COUPLING IS TO AFFIRM US,

  • THEN PEOPLE WILL ONLY AFFIRM US IF THEY ARE LIKE US.

  • AND EVEN JUST ON A DAILY BASIS, IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT,

  • YOU'RE SOMEBODY WHO LIKES TO STAY HOME AT NIGHT,

  • YOU LIKE TO READ IT, YOU DON'T REALLY LIKE TO PARTY.

  • WELL, HOW WELL IT'S GOING TO WORK IF YOU COUPLE UP

  • WITH SOMEBODY WHO WANTS TO GO OUT EVERY NIGHT?

  • YOU KNOW, THEY WANT TO HIT THE CLUBS--

  • YOU KNOW, THEIR GOAL ASPIRATIONS

  • IS TO SEE HOW MANY CLUBS THEY CAN HIT IN ONE NIGHT,

  • NOT TO STUDY FOR THEIR ABNORMAL PSYCHOLOGY TEST TOMORROW.

  • THE LONG-TERM IS JUST NOT GOING TO WORK

  • BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING TO CONFLICT.

  • AT THE CORE LEVEL, IT COMES DOWN IN PART TO PERSONALITY.

  • ARE YOU OUTGOING, ARE YOU MORE OF AN INTROVERT?

  • DO YOU LIKE EXCITING, DANGEROUS THINGS,

  • OR DO YOU LIKE THE WORLD KINDA SAFE?

  • FARRA MENTIONED RELIGIOUS BELIEFS.

  • I MEAN, THAT'S A BIG PART OF IT.

  • DO YOU HAVE SIMILAR RELIGIOUS BELIEFS?

  • DO YOU HAVE SIMILAR POLITICAL BELIEFS?

  • SIMILARITY IS ONE OF THE PRIMARY FACTORS AROUND LONG-TERM SUCCESS

  • IN A RELATIONSHIP.

  • NOW, I WILL GIVE YOU A CAVEAT.

  • DO OPPOSITES ATTRACT?

  • UM, FOR ABOUT A DAY.

  • THERE IS IN FACT-- WE ACTUALLY, BASED ON SMELL ALONE,

  • ARE ATTRACTED TO SOMEBODY FOR ABOUT A DAY IF THEIR SMELL

  • IS DISTINCTLY DIFFERENT THAN OURS.

  • WHY?

  • THAT'S KIND OF WEIRD, RIGHT?

  • SO, WHY WOULD SMELL--

  • WHAT DOES SMELL PROBABLY INDICATE?

  • >> (indistinct speaking). >> WELL, IT COULD.

  • WE ALL GIVE OFF A SMELL, RIGHT?

  • REGARDLESS OF WHETHER WE-- WELL, ASSUMING WE'RE NOT MASKING IT.

  • GENETIC DIVERSITY.

  • SO, FOR A SPECIES TO SURVIVE, A DIVERSE GENE POOL IS GOOD.

  • SO, IF YOU'RE JUST TALKING ABOUT BASIC MATING PURPOSES,

  • THEN WE ARE ACTUALLY COMPELLED TO MATE WITH SOMEBODY

  • WHO'S DISTINCTLY DIFFERENT FROM US.

  • THE PROBLEM WITH THAT-- AND THIS IS WHERE YOU'VE GOT

  • TO KICK IN THAT PREFRONTAL LOBE--

  • THE PROBLEM WITH THAT IS THAT IT DOESN'T MAKE

  • FOR A LONG-TERM SUSTAINABLE RELATIONSHIP.

  • RECIPROCAL LIKING.

  • WE LIKE PEOPLE WHO LIKE US.

  • IT'S PRETTY SIMPLE.

  • IF YOU LIKE SOMEBODY OR YOU HEAR THAT SOMEBODY LIKES YOU,

  • YOU AUTOMATICALLY LIKE THEM MORE.

  • AGAIN, IT'S THAT AFFIRMATION THING.

  • WELL, "IF YOU LIKE ME,

  • "THERE MUST BE SOMETHING REALLY SMART ABOUT YOU.

  • (audience laughing) "YOU MUST BE BRILLIANT," RIGHT?

  • "BECAUSE YOU LIKE ME-- WELL, OF COURSE EVERYONE SHOULD LIKE ME,

  • "BUT THERE ARE THOSE PEOPLE WHO DON'T--

  • "THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH THEM."

  • (audience chuckling) SO, IF WE UNDERSTAND,

  • IF WE BELIEVE-- THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE TO LIKE US.

  • IF YOU BELIEVE THAT THEY LIKE YOU,

  • BECAUSE WHAT HAPPENS IS THAT THEN THE--

  • OH, MY MIND JUST WENT BLANK.

  • WHAT AM I THINKING OF, SOME OF MY STUDENTS?

  • COME ON, YOU CAN HELP ME.

  • WHEN YOU BELIEVE SOMETHING AND YOU ACT IN A CERTAIN WAY.

  • >> (indistinct speaking). >> THERE WE GO, SEE?

  • SELF-FULFILLING PROPHECY.

  • I CAN'T BELIEVE I FORGOT THAT.

  • WHAT HAPPENS WITH A SELF-FULFILLING PROPHECY IS

  • IF YOU BELIEVE SOMEBODY LIKES YOU,

  • HOW ARE YOU GONNA BEHAVE TOWARDS THEM?

  • IN A POSITIVE WAY.

  • AND IF YOU BEHAVE TO SOMEBODY IN A POSITIVE WAY,

  • THEY'RE GOING TO BEHAVE BACK TO YOU IN A POSITIVE WAY,

  • AND IT CREATES A CYCLE OF LIKING.

  • THIS ONE, LET'S BE HONEST-- YOU DON'T KNOW THE LANGUAGE FOR.

  • IT'S SOCIAL EXCHANGE.

  • THIS HAS TO DO WITH MY OWN BELIEF OF SELF

  • AND MY RELATIONSHIP WITH OTHERS,

  • WHICH IS "WHAT KIND OF PARTNER DO I BELIEVE I DESERVE?"

  • EVERY ONE OF US, BASED ON OUR OWN EXPERIENCE,

  • OUR SELF-ESTEEM, OUR IDEALS,

  • WE HAVE A BELIEF ABOUT "WHAT KIND OF PARTNER DO I DESERVE?"

  • SO, IS THIS PERSON ABOVE THAT OR BELOW IT?

  • AND IN FACT, THEY HAVE TO BE IN A REASONABLE ZONE,

  • BECAUSE IF THEY'RE TOO FAR ABOVE IT,

  • "WELL, I DON'T REALLY DESERVE IT

  • "AND THIS PROBABLY ISN'T GOING TO WORK."

  • IF THEY'RE TOO FAR BELOW,

  • THEN IT'S, "WELL, I DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS."

  • THAT'S THE FIRST CRITERIA.

  • NOW, THE SECOND ONE IS-- AND OF COURSE NOBODY WANTS

  • TO ADMIT THIS, RIGHT, BUT WE DO THIS.

  • "WHAT'S THE POSSIBILITY OF FINDING SOMEBODY BETTER?"

  • SO, "WE'RE DATING RIGHT NOW, WE'VE BEEN DATING FOR A WHILE,

  • "SHOULD I SETTLE OR HOLD OUT FOR SOMEBODY BETTER?

  • "WHAT'S THE PROBABILITY THAT SOMEBODY--"

  • IF YOU HAVE THIS CONVERSATION IN YOUR HEAD.

  • NOW, YOU MAY NOT HAVE IT EXPLICITLY, BUT IT IS LIKE,

  • "OKAY, IS THIS GONNA WORK FOR ME?"

  • IT'S VERY PRACTICAL.

  • ALL RIGHT.

  • THE LAST CRITERIA THAT I WANT TO TALK ABOUT--

  • AND IT'S ANOTHER ONE OF THESE THINGS,

  • "WELL, I'M ATTRACTED TO THEIR PERSONALITY."

  • WELL, NO. (audience chuckling)

  • WHAT WE ARE ATTRACTED-- WE ARE ATTRACTED TO ATTRACTIVENESS.

  • NOW, IT'S A LITTLE COMPLICATED HERE.

  • BABIES...

  • SPEND MORE TIME LOOKING AT CULTURALLY ATTRACTIVE FACES

  • THAN UNATTRACTIVE FACES.

  • PEOPLE WHO ARE ARTIFICIALLY DISFIGURED, AND IN FACT,

  • IF WE HAD SOMEBODY IN THIS ROOM RIGHT NOW--

  • AND I TOOK THE THEATER DEPARTMENT

  • AND HAD THEM ARTIFICIALLY DISFIGURED

  • AND THEY WERE SITTING HERE,

  • PEOPLE WOULDN'T SIT AROUND THEM.

  • PEOPLE SITTING ON-- THIS EXPERIMENT WAS DONE IN NEW YORK,

  • HAVING PEOPLE ON A SUBWAY TRAIN,

  • AND THEY HAD A BIG SCAR OR SOMETHING,

  • PEOPLE WOULD NOT SIT BY THEM.

  • WE DON'T-- WE MIGRATE TOWARDS ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE.

  • NOW, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

  • WELL, THERE IS CULTURALLY ATTRACTIVE.

  • YOU KNOW, SOME OF THESE FOLKS HERE...

  • AND THEY'RE POPULAR BECAUSE THEY'RE CULTURALLY ATTRACTIVE.

  • IN FACT, WE ASSOCIATE ATTRACTIVENESS

  • WITH ALL POSITIVE QUALITIES.

  • WE ASSUME THAT ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE ARE SMARTER.

  • WE ASSUME THAT ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE DO BETTER THINGS FOR THE WORLD,

  • THAT THEY GET IN TROUBLE LESS.

  • IN FACT, WE ASSUME THAT THEY ARE LESS PROMISCUOUS.

  • IN EVERY STUDY THAT'S BEEN DONE,

  • IT SHOWS THAT WE BELIEVE THAT UGLY PEOPLE

  • ACTUALLY HAVE SEX IN AN INAPPROPRIATE WAY

  • MORE THAN ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE.

  • SO, WE ATTRIBUTE ALL GOOD THINGS TO ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE,

  • WHICH IS WHY THEY'RE MORE SUCCESSFUL BECAUSE WE--

  • WELL, THEY SHOULD BE, RIGHT?

  • NOW, WHAT IS ATTRACTIVENESS MEAN, THOUGH?

  • BECAUSE THERE IS A CULTURAL NORM WHICH ESSENTIALLY MEANS

  • THAT YOU HAVE A BABY FACE,

  • THAT YOU HAVE A FACE THAT IS SYMMETRICAL,

  • THAT BOTH SIDES ARE ESSENTIALLY THE SAME...

  • BIG EYES, HIGH CHEEK BONES, SMALL NOSE IN PROPORTION

  • TO YOUR FACE, YOU HAVE AN ATTRACTIVE MOUTH.

  • AND THERE'S A SLIGHT VARIATION BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN,

  • AND HERE'S WHAT'S INTERESTING WHEN YOU DO SURVEYS OF WOMEN--

  • MEN AND WOMEN.

  • MEN ARE RIGHT UPFRONT IN PLACING ATTRACTIVENESS

  • IN THEIR TOP THREE.

  • WOMEN PLACE IT LOWER ON THEIR SCALE-- FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT.

  • BUT IN FACT, WHEN YOU EVALUATE WOMEN'S BEHAVIOR,

  • IT'S NO DIFFERENT THAN MEN.

  • SO WOMEN SAY ATTRACTIVENESS DOESN'T MATTER, BUT IN FACT,

  • WHEN YOU EVALUATE THEIR BEHAVIOR, IT DOES.

  • BUT NOW IS WHERE GETS MORE COMPLICATED.

  • THIS WOMAN IS OFTEN TIMES-- IN SEVERAL STUDIES,

  • AND THEIR ARE SEVERAL VARIATIONS OF THIS--

  • WHEN GIVEN A WHOLE GROUP OF RANDOM PICTURES--

  • IN FACT, THIS STUDY WAS DONE

  • WITH WINNERS OF THE MISS GERMAN CONTEST,

  • SO THE EQUIVALENT OF THE MISS AMERICA--

  • IT'S BEEN DONE WITH MISS AMERICAS, TOO,

  • I JUST HAPPEN TO HAVE THE PICTURE OF MISS GERMANY.

  • SO PEOPLE ARE SHOWN A WHOLE BUNCH OF PICTURES

  • OF ALL OF THE PEOPLE IN--

  • ALL OF THE WOMEN WHO RAN FOR MISS GERMANY,

  • AND THIS WOMAN IS PICKED OUT

  • AS BEING THE MOST ATTRACTIVE, OVERWHELMINGLY.

  • THIS WOMAN DOESN'T EXIST.

  • THIS WOMAN IS THE AVERAGE FEATURES

  • OF ALL OF THE OTHER WOMEN.

  • SO WE LIKE-- INTERESTINGLY ENOUGH,

  • WE LIKE COMMON QUALITIES.

  • NOW, IT EVEN GETS MORE INTERESTING.

  • SEE THESE TWO PICTURES HERE?

  • THAT'S THE SAME PERSON.

  • IN A WONDERFUL LITTLE EXPERIMENT--

  • AND THIS ONLY WORKED WITH HETEROSEXUALS.

  • SO IN THIS CASE, YOU HAVE THE REAL PERSON,

  • AND THEN HERE, YOU HAVE THE PERSON MORPHED INTO A WOMAN.

  • SO A COMPUTER-GENERATED WOMAN.

  • AND THIS WAS DONE WITH A WHOLE BUNCH OF PICTURES

  • OF DIFFERENT PEOPLE.

  • AND IT WAS DONE WITH BOTH MEN AND WOMEN-- IT'S DONE BOTH WAYS,

  • AND THAT'S WHY YOU HAVE TO BE HETEROSEXUAL,

  • BECAUSE IF YOU MORPH A MAN INTO A MAN,

  • YOU CAN PICK YOURSELF OUT, RIGHT?

  • SO WHAT HAPPENED IS, IS THEN THEY WERE FLASHED

  • A BUNCH OF DIFFERENT PICTURES OF WOMEN.

  • STATISTICALLY, THEY ALWAYS PICKED THEMSELVES

  • AS BEING THE MOST ATTRACTIVE.

  • SO WHAT HAPPENS IS WE ACTUALLY ARE ATTRACTED TO PEOPLE

  • WHO LOOK LIKE US.

  • THIS IS TRUE FOR OUR MATES.

  • I'M NOT GOING TO END UP WITH HER.

  • I KNOW THAT'S TRUE-- OF COURSE, I MARRIED,

  • SO IT'D BE A REAL PROBLEM IF I DID.

  • BUT WHAT HAPPENS IS THAT WE TEND TO PICK PEOPLE--

  • IF WE TAKE THIS SORT OF--

  • YOU KNOW, WE CREATE A RUBRIC HERE FROM ZERO TO TEN--

  • WELL, LET'S SAY ONE.

  • LET'S NOT GIVE ANYONE A ZERO ON ATTRACTIVENESS.

  • ONE TO TEN.

  • AND WE THEN-- IF YOU'RE A SEVEN,

  • YOU'RE GOING TO PICK SOMEBODY

  • WHO'S PROBABLY IN THE SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT RANGE.

  • WE PICK PEOPLE WHO ARE CLOSE TO US.

  • NOW, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING, RIGHT?

  • "OH, DAMN, ALL MY FRIENDS ARE UGLY."

  • (audience laughing) WELL, IT'S STATISTICALLY TRUE.

  • THAT DOESN'T MEAN THERE ISN'T SOME ABERRATIONS HERE AND THERE.

  • SO WE TEND TO PICK PEOPLE WHO-- IT'S REALLY EASY TO FIGURE OUT.

  • GO TO THE MALL.

  • WATCH THOSE GAGGLE OF TEENAGERS RUNNING AROUND.

  • THEY ALL LOOK ALIKE, RIGHT?

  • I MEAN, THEY'RE ALL WITHIN THE SAME SORT OF ZONE OF BEAUTY.

  • SO WHY DO WE GET TOGETHER, HOW DO WE GET TOGETHER,

  • AND HOW DO WE STAY TOGETHER?

  • WELL, IT STARTS WHEN WE ARE VERY YOUNG.

  • IT STARTS WITH OUR EXPERIENCE IN BEING TAKEN CARE OF

  • WHEN WE ARE BORN.

  • MANY OF YOU UNDERSTAND-- YOU'VE HAD ATTACHMENT THEORY

  • IN OTHER CLASSES, BUT I WILL TAKE A MOMENT

  • TO EXPLAIN IT VERY SIMPLY.

  • SO WHAT HAPPENS IS WHEN YOU ARE BORN,

  • YOU ARE AT THE WHIM OF YOUR CARETAKERS.

  • YOU INNATELY ARE ATTRACTED TO YOUR CAREGIVERS,

  • PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY.

  • BASED ON THOSE FIRST COUPLE YEARS OF LIFE--

  • AND THERE IS AN OPTIMAL WINDOW THAT CAN BE EXTENDED,

  • WE WILL TALK ABOUT THAT IN A SECOND.

  • YOU HAVE THREE BASIC--

  • AND THESE ARE SORT OF THE BROAD CATEGORIES--

  • YOU DEVELOP AS A CHILD, AND THEN EVENTUALLY AS AN ADULT,

  • THREE BASIC FORMS OF ATTACHMENT.

  • YOU HAVE SECURE ATTACHMENT.

  • SECURE ATTACHMENT IS WHERE I FEEL GOOD ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE

  • AND I FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF.

  • "I TRUST MYSELF IN RELATIONSHIPS,

  • "I TRUST OTHER PEOPLE IN RELATIONSHIPS."

  • ANXIOUS AMBIVALENT IS THAT...

  • "I FEEL GOOD ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE, BUT NOT SO MUCH ABOUT MYSELF.

  • "THAT I'M HIGHLY ANXIOUS THAT PEOPLE ARE GOING TO HURT ME,

  • "THAT THEY ARE GOING TO LEAVE ME.

  • "I DON'T HAVE A VERY STRONG SENSE OF SELF."

  • AND AVOIDANT IS "I DON'T FEEL GOOD ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

  • "I DON'T TRUST OTHER PEOPLE."

  • SO THESE PATTERNS DEVELOP WHEN WE ARE VERY YOUNG.

  • WE HAVE SOME REALLY NICE RESEARCH

  • THAT HAS COME OUT OF ADOPTION STUDIES

  • THAT LOOKS AT CHILDREN

  • WHO ARE IN A VERY STARK, NON-NURTURING ENVIRONMENT.

  • BECAUSE IT'S NOT JUST FOOD.

  • IT'S BOTH PHYSIOLOGICAL AND EMOTIONAL CARE.

  • WHAT THIS LOOKS LIKE, THEN, AS AN ADULT,

  • IS THAT THIS IS THE CLINGY, JEALOUS, "PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME,

  • "I'LL DO ANYTHING TO MAKE YOU HAPPY" PERSON.

  • BECAUSE MY INTERNALIZATION IS,

  • "I'M NOT WORTHY OF A RELATIONSHIP."

  • AND "YOU'RE GOING TO LEAVE ME, I KNOW IT,

  • "SO I HAVE TO DO WHATEVER I CAN TO KEEP YOU."

  • AVOIDANT IS "I DON'T REALLY CARE

  • "IF WE HAVE A RELATIONSHIP OR NOT.

  • "YOU KNOW, I'M NOT GONNA COME HOME TONIGHT.

  • "I KNOW I SAID I WAS GOING TO COME HOME, BUT I'M JUST NOT.

  • "I WAS GONNA STAY AND HANG OUT AT THE BAR.

  • "WHAT ARE YOU SO UPSET ABOUT?

  • "DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT."

  • THESE ARE NOT ABSOLUTES, BECAUSE THAT'S AN IMPORTANT PIECE.

  • WHAT HAPPENS IS, IS WHILE THERE IS A CRITICAL PERIOD

  • IN THOSE EARLY YEARS,

  • WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU END UP AS AN ADULT

  • AND YOU'RE IN ONE OF THESE SITUATIONS?

  • WELL, OBVIOUSLY, IT'S GOING TO BE DIFFICULT

  • TO HAVE RELATIONSHIPS.

  • BUT THAT ISN'T TO SUGGEST THAT YOU CAN'T REVISIT

  • AND RECONSIDER YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOURSELF

  • AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH OTHER PEOPLE.

  • WE DO KNOW-- AND AGAIN, THAT'S WHERE OPTION STUDIES

  • HAVE BEEN QUITE HELPFUL--

  • IS THAT WE KNOW THAT PEOPLE, WITH A LOT OF EFFORT,

  • CAN REVISIT AND RE-ORIENT THEIR ATTACHMENT STYLE.

  • IT'S NOT EASY.

  • IT'S MUCH EASIER TO HAVE IT HAPPEN IN THOSE FIRST 18 MONTHS,

  • THREE YEARS.

  • BUT THE OPPOSITE CAN HAPPEN, TOO.

  • I MEAN, YOU COULD HAVE A VERY SECURE ATTACHMENT STYLE,

  • AND THEN JUST HAVE A SERIES

  • OF REALLY, REALLY, REALLY CRAPPY RELATIONSHIPS,

  • WHICH CAUSES YOU TO START QUESTIONING

  • YOUR VALUE AS A PARTNER,

  • OR HAS YOU START QUESTIONING THE ABILITY TO TRUST OTHERS.

  • EQUITY.

  • WE WANT TO FEEL LIKE WE ARE IN AN EQUAL RELATIONSHIP,

  • THAT THERE IS EQUITY IN OUR RELATIONSHIPS.

  • THERE ARE TWO FORMS OF EQUITY.

  • YOU HAVE THE EARLY EQUITY--

  • SO WHEN YOU FIRST START A RELATIONSHIP,

  • YOU'RE IN A TIT-FOR-TAT RELATIONSHIP, WHICH MEANS...

  • "I'M GOING TO KEEP A SCORE SHEET.

  • "IN MY MIND, OKAY, YOU PAID THIS TIME, I'LL PAY THAT TIME,

  • "I CLEANED YOUR APARTMENT, WHAT DID YOU DO FOR ME?"

  • AND IT REALLY IS A TALLY SHEET IN THOSE EARLY RELATIONSHIPS.

  • "I DON'T WANT TO GET ABUSED, SO LET'S LOOK FOR EQUALITY,"

  • AND WE ARE VERY SPECIFIC ABOUT IT.

  • NOW, HEALTHY LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIPS GROW

  • FROM AN EXCHANGE TO A COMMUNAL RELATIONSHIP.

  • IN A COMMUNAL RELATIONSHIP, I NO LONGER KEEP SCORE,

  • BUT I STILL WANT EQUITY.

  • BUT I RECOGNIZE THROUGH EXPERIENCE, THROUGH TIME,

  • THAT "OKAY, IF I DO THE LAUNDRY THIS WEEK, THE NEXT WEEK,

  • "I KNOW THAT YOU'RE GOING TO BE DOING--

  • "I TRUST THAT YOU'RE GOING TO BE, YOU KNOW,

  • "TAKING THE KIDS TO SOCCER PRACTICE.

  • "OR IF I GO TO YOUR PARENTS' HOUSE,

  • "WHICH OF COURSE IS NEVER A GOOD TIME,

  • "BUT I RECOGNIZE THAT YOU'LL PROBABLY THEN

  • "TAKE ME OUT TO DINNER OR--"

  • IT'S ALWAYS PERSONAL HOW YOU DEFINE EQUALITY,

  • BUT LONG-TERM SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIPS EVOLVE

  • INTO A COMMUNAL RELATIONSHIP.

  • IN FACT, ONE OF THE WAYS TO MEASURE THE MATURITY

  • AND THE PREDICTABILITY OF SUCCESS OF A RELATIONSHIP

  • IS SIMPLY LOOKING AT THIS.

  • IF THE COUPLE IS STILL KEEPING A SCORE SHEET,

  • THEN THEY HAVEN'T DEVELOPED INTO A MATURE RELATIONSHIP.

  • AND AGAIN, IT'S OKAY-- WE ALL START OUT AT THAT LEVEL.

  • BUT IF YOU'VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR A FEW YEARS--

  • THREE, FOUR, FIVE...

  • TEN, TWENTY--

  • AND YOU'RE STILL KEEPING A SCORE SHEET,

  • THEN THIS REALLY ISN'T THE KIND OF NURTURING RELATIONSHIP

  • THAT YOU DESERVE.

  • SELF-DISCLOSURE.

  • OBVIOUSLY, SELF-DISCLOSURE IS BASED ON THE ATTACHMENT THEORY

  • BECAUSE SELF-DISCLOSURE IS SHARING WITH YOUR PARTNER

  • YOUR SECRETS.

  • NOW, NOT ALL SECRETS.

  • SOME OF THOSE THINGS, WE'RE NOT GOING TO TELL ANYBODY.

  • NOT THAT THEY'RE TERRIBLE,

  • BUT JUST GOT TO KEEP SOMETHING SECRET.

  • BUT YOUR BELIEFS, YOUR GOALS,

  • WHEN YOU GET HURT, WHEN YOU DON'T,

  • BECAUSE WHAT THAT DOES IS CREATE INTIMACY.

  • AND IT DIDN'T TALK ABOUT IT EARLIER,

  • BUT INTIMACY TENDS TO BE THE PRIMARY FOCUS

  • OF THE MOST HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS.

  • AND IT DOES SPEAK TO THAT NURTURING, RIGHT?

  • I MEAN, IT'D BE HARD TO NURTURE WITHOUT INTIMACY.

  • INTIMACY BREEDS PASSION.

  • THE BIGGEST SEX ORGAN YOU HAVE IS YOUR PREFRONTAL LOBE,

  • IS YOUR HEAD.

  • AND SO, INTIMACY ATTRACTS YOU TO THE PERSON.

  • INTIMACY CREATES COMMITMENT.

  • BECAUSE I HAVE-- I MEAN, THAT'S A SPECIAL PERSON.

  • WE DON'T HAVE MANY PEOPLE IN OUR LIVES

  • THAT WE ARE DEEPLY INTIMATE WITH.

  • THAT'S REALLY DANGEROUS.

  • SO IF I FIND THAT PERSON, THEN I'M COMMITTED TO THEM,

  • I'M MOVING TOWARDS COMMITMENT BECAUSE I WANT TO KEEP THEM.

  • SO SELF-DISCLOSURE IS AN IMPORTANT PART OF SUCCESS.

  • AND LASTLY, ACCEPTANCE.

  • INTERESTING PIECE OF DATA THAT SHOWS

  • THAT SUCCESSFUL, HAPPY COUPLES

  • TEND TO WEAR ROSE-COLORED GLASSES

  • WHEN TALKING ABOUT THEIR PARTNER.

  • THEY TEND TO EVALUATE THEIR PARTNER--

  • AND THEY ARE NOT UNREALISTIC,

  • BUT A LITTLE BIT LESS HARSH THAN THE REST OF THE WORLD.

  • THEY BELIEVE POSITIVE THINGS, THEY INTERPRET THE BEHAVIORS

  • OF THEIR PARTNER IN SLIGHTLY MORE POSITIVE WAYS

  • THAN OTHER PEOPLE DO.

  • IT'S NOT A LIE.

  • ALL OF IT IS INTERPRETATION.

  • THEY JUST HAVE A SLIGHTLY POSITIVE-- NOT UNREALISTIC--

  • BUT A SLIGHTLY POSITIVE INTERPRETATION OF THEIR PARTNER.

  • OKAY, HERE'S A SAD REALITY.

  • WHEN ARE YOU MOST HAPPY IN YOUR MARRIAGE?

  • THE DAY YOU'RE MARRIED.

  • IT GOES DOWNHILL EVERY DAY AFTER THAT.

  • (audience chuckling)

  • AND IT BOTTOMS OUT AROUND FIVE YEARS OLD.

  • YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS.

  • YOU REALLY NEED TO KNOW THIS BECAUSE MANY PEOPLE DON'T--

  • THAT HAPPINESS IS...

  • AT ITS HEIGHT, WHEN YOU'RE FIRST MARRIED.

  • YOU'VE HEARD OF THE SEVEN YEAR ITCH, RIGHT?

  • PRETTY COMMON.

  • IT'S ACTUALLY TRUE.

  • NOT AS TRUE AS WE BELIEVE IT TO BE,

  • BUT WHAT HAPPENS IS IF YOU HIT THE BOTTOM

  • AT ABOUT FIVE YEARS,

  • WELL, IT TAKES YOU A COUPLE YEARS TO HAVE THAT AFFAIR.

  • NOT QUITE, BUT IT DOES SLOWLY START TO CLIMB UP.

  • NOW, IF THOSE PEOPLE WHO HAVE CHILDREN SOMEWHERE OUT HERE--

  • WHEN CHILDREN LEAVE, IT ALSO TAKES ANOTHER BUMP UPWARD.

  • IT NEVER GETS BACK UP TO HERE.

  • SORRY, IT'S JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS YOU'VE GOT TO KNOW.

  • SO WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

  • WHAT YOU NEED TO DO TO SUSTAIN YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

  • WELL, BE AWARE THAT PASSIONATE INTIMACY NATURALLY WANES.

  • IT'S NOT THAT YOU'RE WITH THE WRONG PERSON,

  • IT'S JUST THE NATURE OF LOVE.

  • SO THE PASSION THAT WAS THERE LAST WEEK

  • MAYBE ISN'T THERE THIS WEEK.

  • MAYBE IT'S GONE UNTIL THE KIDS ARE SEVEN.

  • SITUATIONS CAUSE THEM TO GO UP AND DOWN, WHICH IS WHY, AGAIN,

  • HAVING MULTIPLE POINTS ON THE TRIANGULAR THEORY IS USEFUL.

  • DO THINGS THAT ARE EXCITING.

  • EVEN IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN,

  • FIND WAYS IN WHICH YOU CAN DO COMMON THINGS--

  • JUST THE TWO OF YOU.

  • EVEN IF IT'S ONLY FOR A WEEK, WEEKEND,

  • THINGS THAT YOU ENJOY DOING.

  • (sighing) THIS IS-- AVOID SCORE-KEEPING.

  • THIS IS THAT CHECKLIST.

  • LONG-TERM SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIPS EVOLVE

  • TO WHERE YOU NO LONGER KEEP SCORE.

  • CONSTRUCTIVE COMMUNICATION STYLES.

  • SHARE YOUR WANTS AND YOUR NEEDS.

  • LEARN HOW TO COMMUNICATE.

  • THERE'S A WHOLE PROCESS-- I'M NOT COVERING IT HERE,

  • BUT THERE IS A WHOLE--

  • MANY OF YOU HAVE BEEN TAUGHT IT OR YOU'VE SEEN IT.

  • THERE'S A THEORETICAL MODEL FOR GOOD COMMUNICATION

  • IN A RELATIONSHIP.

  • UNDERSTAND THAT OUTSIDE STRESSES CAN IMPAIR RELATIONSHIPS.

  • REACH OUT IN LOVE WHEN YOUR MATE IS UNDER STRESS.

  • REMEMBER THAT THE ENVIRONMENT AFFECTS US.

  • IT'S GOING TO AFFECT YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

  • IF YOUR PARTNER IS HAVING DIFFICULTIES AT WORK,

  • DIFFICULTIES AT SCHOOL, DIFFICULTY WITH PARENTS,

  • DIFFICULTY WITH CHILDREN, IT'S NOT A REFLECTION ON YOU.

  • IT MIGHT FEEL LIKE IT BECAUSE THEY'RE ANGRY,

  • THEY'RE STRESSED, THEY'RE SAD...

  • IT'S NOT YOU.

  • SO UNDERSTAND THAT YOUR PARTNER, JUST LIKE YOU,

  • IS AFFECTED BY THE OUTSIDE WORLD.

  • A LITTLE DATA ABOUT UNHAPPY COUPLES.

  • UNHAPPY COUPLES HAVE A HIGHER RATIO OF NEGATIVE

  • TO POSITIVE COMMENTS.

  • IN FACT, HERE'S THE THING, FOLKS--

  • FOR EVERY ONE BAD THING YOU SAY, FOR EVERY ONE BAD ACTION,

  • FOR EVERY DISMISSIVE COMMENT YOU MAKE--

  • FOR EVERY ONE, IT TAKES FIVE TO BRING EQUALITY

  • BACK INTO THE RELATIONSHIP.

  • SO INTEGRATE INTO YOUR RELATIONSHIPS LOTS OF POSITIVES.

  • AND I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT DISINGENUINE COMPLIMENTS.

  • WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT IS SIMPLE THINGS.

  • WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT IS SIMPLY STROKING THE SHOULDER.

  • WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT IS, YOU KNOW,

  • THANKING THEM FOR DOING THE LAUNDRY OR FOR PUTTING UP--

  • WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT BIG THINGS.

  • BIG THINGS ARE GOOD,

  • BUT WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT IS SMALL ACTS OF LOVE,

  • SMALL ACTS OF APPRECIATION.

  • AND YOU REALLY WANT TO HAVE THOSE PART OF YOUR LIFE,

  • BECAUSE YOU GOT TO MAKE UP, BECAUSE I GUARANTEE YOU

  • EVERYONE OF US MAKES NEGATIVE COMMENTS.

  • WE SAY BAD THINGS.

  • SO WE NEED TO HAVE A BIG POOL OF POSITIVES TO SURVIVE.

  • UNHAPPY COUPLES GET PERSONALLY HURTFUL WHEN THEY FIGHT.

  • THEY DON'T FOCUS ON WHAT THEY'RE FIGHTING ON.

  • THEY START INSULTING THE PERSON.

  • IT'S THE WORST THINGS YOU CAN DO.

  • DON'T BERATE YOUR PARTNER.

  • ENGAGE IN REPEATED DEMAND WITHDRAWAL INTERACTION.

  • THIS IS WHEN "I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT"

  • AND YOUR PARTNER RUNS AWAY.

  • YOU'VE GOT TO QUIT-- NOW, THAT'S NOT TO SUGGEST THAT--

  • SOME PEOPLE WANT TO TALK SOONER THAN OTHERS.

  • IT'S VERY REASONABLE TO SAY,

  • "YOU KNOW, I'M REALLY UPSET ABOUT THIS

  • "AND I NEED TO TAKE A BREAK."

  • PERFECTLY FINE-- BUT NOW, YOU'RE THE PERSON

  • WHO'S TAKING A BREAK HAS A RESPONSIBILITY

  • TO COME BACK AND SAYS, "OKAY, I'M NOW CALM.

  • "I'M NOT GOING TO JUST LET IT SLIDE AWAY.

  • "I, NOW, BECAUSE I ASKED FOR THE BREAK,

  • "HAVE AN OBLIGATION TO RETURN."

  • THIS IS THAT IDEA THAT UNHAPPY COUPLES SEE THEIR PARTNER

  • THROUGH A SUSPICIOUS LENS.

  • SO THIS IS OBVIOUSLY AN EXTREME ONE WITH AN AFFAIR.

  • THIS IS THE OPPOSITE OF ROSE-COLORED GLASSES...

  • THAT WHEN YOUR PARTNER DOES SOMETHING, WHATEVER IT IS,

  • YOU SEE IT AS NEGATIVE.

  • YOU INTERPRET EVERYTHING FROM A NEGATIVE PERSPECTIVE.

  • AND THEN, BACK TO THE EXCHANGE MODEL...

  • "I'LL ONLY DO THIS IF YOU DO FOR ME,"

  • AS OPPOSED TO THE COMMUNAL STYLE WHICH IS WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT.

  • ALL RIGHT, THIS IS A TOUGH ONE.

  • THIS IS GOING TO BE A TOUGH ONE BECAUSE I GUARANTEE,

  • JUST BASED ON STATISTICS,

  • THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE IN THIS ROOM

  • WHO ARE OR WHO HAVE BEEN IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.

  • BELL HOOKS, ONE OF MY FAVORITE AUTHORS,

  • HAS A BOOK CALLED "ALL ABOUT LOVE."

  • IF YOU JUST WANT A REALLY GOOD BOOK TO READ,

  • THAT'S A GREAT BOOK.

  • BELL HOOKS IS A GRADUATE PROFESSOR AT N.Y.U.

  • SHE'S NOW TEACHING AT ANOTHER UNIVERSITY BY CHOICE.

  • AFRICAN-AMERICAN FEMINIST...

  • REALLY NICE AUTHOR, AND SHE USES--

  • SHE TAKES A THEORETICAL APPROACH TO HER WRITING,

  • BUT IT'S A PERSONAL NARRATIVE.

  • SO IT'S VERY READABLE, BUT BASED IN THEORY.

  • AND IN HER BOOK, SHE SAYS THIS-- "WHEN WE UNDERSTAND LOVE

  • "IS THE WILL TO NURTURE

  • "OUR OWN AND ANOTHER PERSON'S SPIRITUAL GROWTH,

  • "IT BECOMES CLEAR THAT WE CANNOT CLAIM TO LOVE

  • "IF WE ARE HURTFUL AND ABUSIVE.

  • "LOVE AND ABUSE CANNOT EXIST."

  • IN FACT, SHE GOES ON TO ARGUE THAT PEOPLE WHO ABUSE

  • DON'T KNOW HOW TO LOVE.

  • IT'S NOT PART OF WHO THEY ARE,

  • THAT THROUGH THEIR OWN EXPERIENCE,

  • THROUGH THEIR OWN MISINTERPRETATION OF THEIR EMOTIONS,

  • THROUGH LOTS OF THINGS,

  • THEY HAVE AN UNHEALTHY UNDERSTANDING OF ABUSE--

  • ER, OF LOVE.

  • AMERICAN PSYCHOLOGICAL ASSOCIATION HAS A WHITE PAPER

  • ON LOVE-- ER, ON ABUSE, AND IT'S GONE SO FAR

  • AS TO IDENTIFY THAT ABUSE IS JUST NOT PHYSICAL.

  • IN FACT, ONE OF THE THINGS THAT WE KNOW FROM MODERN BRAIN SCAN IMAGERY

  • IS THAT CHILDREN WHO WERE PHYSICALLY ABUSED,

  • THEY HAVE AN ABNORMAL BRAIN-- UH, AN ABNOR--

  • A SLIGHTLY MORE PRIMITIVE--

  • THEY GO TO THE EMOTIONAL PRIMITIVE STATE AS ADULTS

  • QUICKER THAN PEOPLE WHO WEREN'T PHYSICALLY ABUSED.

  • CHILDREN WHO WERE EMOTIONALLY ABUSED

  • HAVE THE EXACT SAME BRAIN PATTERN

  • AND THOSE WHO WERE PHYSICALLY ABUSED.

  • THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE IN YOUR DEVELOPMENT BETWEEN THE TWO.

  • THEY DAMAGE YOU EMOTIONALLY THE SAME WAY.

  • SO VERBAL ABUSE...

  • PSYCHOLOGICAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE...

  • PHYSICAL ABUSE...

  • SEXUAL VIOLENCE...

  • AND THE ABUSE OF MALE PRIVILEGE, WHERE THAT WE ASSUME, AS MEN,

  • WE HAVE SOME POWER THAT SIMPLY BY HAVING A CERTAIN GENITALIA,

  • THAT "I GET THINGS THAT YOU DON'T,"

  • AND THAT "YOU HAVE TO SERVE ME EMOTIONALLY, PHYSICALLY,"

  • WHATEVER.

  • ALL OF THESE QUALIFY AS ABUSE.

  • AND I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT ARGUING.

  • I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT NOT GETTING ALONG ALL THE TIME.

  • ARGUMENT IS PART OF RELATIONSHIPS,

  • AND THERE IS A PRODUCTIVE, USEFUL WAY TO ARGUE.

  • BUT ARGUMENT, WHEN DONE PROPERLY,

  • IS A CONVERSATION ABOUT AN ISSUE THAT WE WANT TO RESOLVE.

  • ABUSE IS ME EXERTING MY AUTHORITY OVER YOU,

  • EMOTIONALLY OR PHYSICALLY.

  • SO WE'RE GOING TO COME BACK TO ABUSE--

  • WE'RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT ENDING ABUSE ALSO,

  • BUT LET'S TALK ABOUT ENDING RELATIONSHIPS IN GENERAL.

  • THIS IS THE NORMAL CYCLE--

  • I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU ANOTHER GRAPHIC HERE IN A MOMENT

  • WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE-- BUT THE NORMAL CYCLE

  • OF ENDING A RELATIONSHIP-- AND THIS CAN BE A MARRIAGE,

  • IT CAN BE A LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP,

  • AND IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER.

  • THE FIRST THING WE DO IS WE START FOCUSING

  • ON OUR DISSATISFACTION-- "I'M NOT ENJOYING THE RELATIONSHIP.

  • "IT DOESN'T WORK FOR ME ANYMORE."

  • THEN, I SHARE IT WITH THE PARTNER-- "I'M NOT HAPPY.

  • "IT'S NOT WORKING."

  • EACH ONE OF THESE, AS YOU'LL SEE IN THE GRAPHIC IN A MOMENT,

  • YOU CAN WORK THROUGH.

  • THEN, WE ANNOUNCE THE BREAKUP TO OTHERS.

  • AND THEN, LASTLY, DONE IN A HEALTHY WAY,

  • WE DEVISE ACCOUNTS OF THE BREAKUP.

  • SO LET'S LOOK AT THIS IN THE GRAPHIC.

  • SO "I'M NOT HAPPY," DISSATISFIED...

  • AT SOME POINT, THE THRESHOLD IS, "I CAN'T STAND THIS ANYMORE.

  • "I DESERVE BETTER," WHAT HAVE YOU.

  • NOW, YOU START GOING THROUGH THESE STAGES--

  • YOU FOCUS ON THE PARTNER'S BEHAVIOR,

  • YOU ASSESS THE ADEQUACY OF THE PARTNER,

  • YOU DEPICT AND EVALUATE NEGATIVE ASPECTS

  • OF BEING IN THE RELATIONSHIP,

  • YOU START CONSIDERING THE COST OF WITHDRAWAL.

  • YOU KNOW, IF IT'S BEEN A LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP,

  • ARE YOU MARRIED, DO YOU HAVE A HOUSE, DO YOU HAVE KIDS?

  • YOU ASSESS THE POSITIVE ASPECTS OF THE ALTERNATIVE RELATIONSHIPS--

  • "OKAY, IF I LEAVE, WHAT WOULD BE GOOD ABOUT THAT?"

  • YOU'RE ESSENTIALLY DOING A COST-BENEFIT ANALYSIS.

  • THEN, YOU'RE READY TO EXPRESS MY THOUGHTS,

  • OR REPRESS MY THOUGHTS.

  • IT'S LIKE, "ALL RIGHT.

  • "YEAH, I'M NOT HAPPY, BUT IT'S NOT WORTH LEAVING.

  • "I'M NOT HAPPY, BUT THE COST OF LEAVING IS TOO MUCH.

  • "IT'S GOING TO DESTROY MY CHILDREN'S LIVES.

  • "IT'S GOING TO FINANCIALLY DISRUPT US."

  • THAT CAN HAPPEN.

  • BUT ASSUMING THAT YOU SAY, "NOPE,

  • "I'VE REACHED THE THRESHOLD.

  • "YUP, COST-BENEFIT-- I'D BE JUSTIFIED TO LEAVE."

  • THEN, DIDACTIC-- DIDACTIC MEANING "TWO"--

  • NOW, YOU CONFRONT THE ISSUE, CONFRONT THE PARTNER.

  • YOU DISCUSS THE RELATIONSHIP.

  • HOPEFULLY, YOU ATTEMPT TO REPAIR THE RELATIONSHIP

  • AND TO RECONCILE.

  • ASSUMING THIS DOESN'T WORK, AS PART OF IT--

  • AGAIN, NOW, YOU'RE ASSESSING THE COST.

  • WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN?

  • THEN, YOU GET TO THE "I MEAN IT" STAGE.

  • THIS IS NOT UNCOMMON IN TALKING TO COUPLES

  • WHO HAVE BEEN IN COUPLES COUNSELING--

  • ALMOST ALWAYS ONE OF THEM WILL SAY,

  • "I GOT TO A POINT WHERE I SAID 'IT'S OVER, I'M LEAVING.'"

  • AND THE PARTNER SAYS, "WAIT A SECOND-- THIS IS REAL?

  • "YOU MEANT IT?"

  • "WELL, YEAH, WE SPENT 12 MONTHS IN COUNSELING."

  • BUT IT'S NOT UNCOMMON FOR ONE PERSON--

  • THEY ARE NOT UNDERSTANDING THE SCOPE OF THIS.

  • SO ONCE YOU'VE SAID, "YUP, WE'RE LEAVING, IT'S OVER,"

  • NOW YOU HAVE TO GO PUBLIC.

  • SO YOU MOVE INTO THE SOCIAL PHASE.

  • YOU NEGOTIATE THE BREAKUP, YOU START INITIATING GOSSIP,

  • YOUR DISCUSSIONS WITH FRIENDS, FAMILIES, AND OTHERS,

  • BECAUSE YOU WANT TO CREATE A PUBLIC FACE.

  • THIS IS WHY YOU CAN NEVER GET A TRUE STORY

  • ABOUT WHO IS AT FAULT...

  • BECAUSE WE'RE PROTECTING OURSELVES.

  • WE HAVE A PSYCHOLOGICAL NEED

  • TO BELIEVE THAT WE DID THE RIGHT THING.

  • SO IN THE INITIAL STAGE,

  • I'M GOING TO SAY WHAT I DID WAS RIGHT

  • AND I'M GOING TO DEMONIZE THIS PERSON AT LEAST A LITTLE BIT,

  • IF NOT A LOT.

  • AND THEN, I'M GOING TO LOOK AT HOW ARE MY FRIENDS REACTING.

  • ARE THEY LIKE, FREAKING OUT SAYING, "THIS IS STUPID.

  • "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?"

  • OKAY, "WELL, MAYBE IT'S NOT THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

  • "MAYBE I'VE MISSED SOMETHING."

  • BUT ASSUMING THIS GOES WELL, NOW IT'S INEVITABLE.

  • NOW IT'S HAPPENED.

  • THE BREAKUP OCCURS, THE DIVORCE OCCURS.

  • NOW, I NEED TO GET OVER IT.

  • IF I'M INTENDING TO BE IN A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP AFTER THIS,

  • I ALSO NEED TO ENGAGE "WHAT WENT WRONG?"

  • BECAUSE A RELATIONSHIP IS, BY DEFINITION,

  • A RELATIONSHIP, WHICH MEANS TO PEOPLE.

  • AND SO, EVEN IF IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO,

  • EVEN IF THIS IS A PARTNER THAT I NEEDED TO LEAVE,

  • I NEED TO EVALUATE "WHY WAS I IN THIS TO BEGIN WITH?"

  • SO "HOW CAN I NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE AGAIN?"

  • SO SOME OF THE FACTORS--

  • I'VE JUST GOT A COUPLE OF SLIDES LEFT--

  • A COUPLE OF FACTORS AROUND THE EFFECT

  • OF A LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP OR DIVORCE.

  • PRE-DIVORCE OR PRE-BREAKUP--

  • "I'M UNHAPPY BUT I'M A BIT AMBIVALENT.

  • "SHOULD WE SPLIT UP?"

  • THIS THINKING STAGE CAN SOMETIMES BE JUST AS STRESSFUL

  • BECAUSE, FRANKLY, YOU KNOW THAT STRESS AND ANXIETY COMES FROM

  • A LACK OF CONTROL, A LACK OF KNOWING.

  • IT'S LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW WHETHER I SHOULD BREAKUP OR NOT.

  • "I DON'T KNOW WHETHER WE SHOULD SEPARATE OR NOT."

  • THAT'S A HARD THING TO THINK THROUGH.

  • THEN, DURING THE SEPARATION, THE REAL WORLD CHANGES.

  • THE SPLITTING UP OF FRIENDS...

  • MOST OF US UNDERESTIMATE.

  • WHAT HAPPENS IS TO EMOTIONALLY PREPARE UP TO SPLIT UP,

  • WE DO HAVE TO KIND OF DEMONIZE THE SITUATION,

  • DEMONIZE OUR PARTNER.

  • WHEN WE ACTUALLY SPLIT UP,

  • THEN SOME OF THE GOOD THINGS THAT WE DIDN'T THINK ABOUT

  • SHOW UP LIKE, "WELL, I HAVE TO EAT ALONE EVERY NIGHT NOW.

  • "AND EVEN THOUGH IT WASN'T A FULFILLING RELATIONSHIP,

  • "I HAD SOMEBODY TO GO TO MOVIES WITH,

  • "I HAD SOMEBODY TO SHARE RESPONSIBILITIES WITH."

  • SO YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THOSE REAL-WORLD SITUATIONS.

  • THE LONG-TERM IMPACT-- IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN,

  • THEN IT BECOMES A CHRONIC STRESSOR.

  • BUT IN SOME CASES, IT ACTUALLY...

  • CREATES SELF-EFFICACY.

  • IT'S LIKE, "YOU KNOW, I REALLY CAN STAND ON MY OWN.

  • "I DON'T NEED TO HAVE A PARTNER.

  • "I REALLY AM CAPABLE AND DESERVING OF A GOOD LIFE."

  • ALL RIGHT, WHAT ABOUT THE ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS?

  • WHAT HAPPENS HERE?

  • WELL, THIS IS USUALLY ONE OF THE MOST DIFFICULT STAGES.

  • THIS IS A STAGE OF DENIAL THAT OFTEN TIMES PEOPLE ARE IN

  • WHEN THEY'RE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP,

  • WHICH IS REALIZING THAT HURTING SOMEONE IS NEVER A SIGN OF LOVE.

  • PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE AND LOVE CANNOT COEXIST.

  • SO YOU HAVE TO FIRST REALIZE THAT.

  • THEN, DON'T THINK THAT THE VIOLENCE IS JUST GOING TO STOP,

  • NO MATTER HOW MUCH HE OR SHE--

  • AND IT'S USUALLY, UNFORTUNATELY, A "HE,"

  • ALTHOUGH SOMETIMES IT IS A "SHE"--

  • NO MATTER HOW THE TIMES THEY PROMISE THEY WON'T DO IT AGAIN,

  • IT'S NOT JUST GOING TO MAGICALLY STOP.

  • WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT IS A DEEP-ROOTED ISSUE

  • WITHIN THAT PERSON.

  • THAT IS NOT TO SUGGEST THAT THEY CAN'T RETHINK THEIR BEHAVIOR,

  • BUT IT'S NOT JUST GOING TO MAGICALLY DISAPPEAR.

  • THEN, THE PERSON TO LEAVE NEEDS TO REACH OUT TO OTHERS--

  • FRIENDS, FAMILIES, COUNSELORS, RESOURCE CENTERS...

  • GRAND RAPIDS COMMUNITY COLLEGE,

  • FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE STUDENTS, AND YOU FIND YOURSELF,

  • OR YOU BELIEVE YOU'RE IN THIS KIND OF RELATIONSHIP,

  • YOU CAN GO RIGHT TO THE COUNSELING OFFICE.

  • THEY WILL MEET WITH YOU, THEY WILL HELP YOU THINK THROUGH IT,

  • THEY WILL PROVIDE FREE COUNSELING FOR A PERIOD OF TIME,

  • THEY WILL HELP YOU CONNECT TO OUTSIDE RESOURCES.

  • SO FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE A STUDENT,

  • YOU HAVE RESOURCES IF YOU'RE IN THAT SITUATION.

  • MAKE A PLAN-- SO IF YOU'RE LIVING TOGETHER,

  • IF YOU'RE FINANCIALLY TIED TOGETHER,

  • IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN, THINK THROUGH IT.

  • AND THAT'S WHERE THE OTHERS CAN HELP YOU.

  • AND THEN, LEAVE.

  • SEEK PROTECTION-- SOMETIMES IT'S LEGAL PROTECTION,

  • SOMETIMES IT'S JUST PHYSICALLY MOVING IN A PLACE

  • WHERE THE PERSON DON'T HAVE ACCESS TO YOU.

  • AND THEN, AGAIN, ASSESS AND LEARN FROM THE EXPERIENCE.

  • WHY WERE YOU IN THAT TO BEGIN WITH?

  • AND HOW CAN YOU DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY?

  • OKAY, LASTLY...

  • YOU WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP,

  • SO WE'LL END ON A POSITIVE NOTE,

  • NOT A NEGATIVE, A DOWNER.

  • SO WHAT CAN YOU DO TO FIND LOVE?

  • WHAT CAN YOU DO TO FIND A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP?

  • WELL, FIRST AND FOREMOST,

  • YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE THAT YOU CAN AND SHOULD BE LOVED.

  • YOUR SELF-TALK, YOUR BELIEF ABOUT YOU AS A HUMAN BEING

  • SHOULD SAY, "I'M WORTHY OF LOVE.

  • "IN FACT, I'M A PRETTY DAMN GOOD CATCH.

  • "SOMEBODY DESERVES ME AND I DESERVE SOMEBODY EQUALLY GOOD."

  • WORK ON YOURSELF.

  • FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF.

  • BE THE BEST PERSON YOU CAN BE.

  • PRESENT YOUR BEST SELF.

  • BECAUSE WHEN YOU DO THAT, WHEN YOU WORK ON YOURSELF,

  • YOU BUILD A SENSE OF SELF EFFICACY,

  • YOU BUILD A SENSE OF SELF EFFICACY

  • AT THE SAME TIME YOU BUILD A SENSE OF HIGH SELF-ESTEEM.

  • IF YOU HAVE A HIGH SELF-ESTEEM, THEN AT THAT POINT, YOU SAY,

  • "I'M WORTHY OF HAVING A GOOD RELATIONSHIP."

  • BE AROUND-- GUESS WHAT?

  • NOBODY'S GOING TO SHOW UP AT YOUR APARTMENT AND ASK YOU OUT.

  • (audience chuckling) NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

  • NOW, YOU ARE LUCKY-- MOST OF YOU, BECAUSE YOU'RE IN COLLEGE.

  • A LOT OF PEOPLE AROUND.

  • WHEN YOU'RE OLDER, THEN YOU HAVE TO MAKE AN EFFORT.

  • JOIN CHURCH GROUPS, GO ON--

  • TAKE CLASSES, WHATEVER IT TAKES TO BE AROUND PEOPLE.

  • BECAUSE AGAIN, REMEMBER WHAT CAUSES US TO FIND SOMEBODY--

  • YOU'VE GOT TO BE AROUND PEOPLE.

  • SHOW INTEREST IN PEOPLE.

  • NOT LIKE I DO-- BECAUSE THOSE OF YOU WHO KNOW ME, YOU KNOW,

  • IT'S LIKE-- I HAVE A LOT OF INTEREST

  • BUT I LIKE TO LOOK AT PEOPLE.

  • YOU KNOW, DO THAT PSYCHOLOGIST THING,

  • WHICH USUALLY CAUSES PEOPLE TO RUN AWAY.

  • (audience chuckling)

  • I'M TALKING ABOUT SHOWING GENUINE INTEREST IN THE PERSON.

  • ASK THEM ABOUT THEIR LIFE.

  • WHAT DO THEY BELIEVE, WHAT DO THEY LIKE?

  • I LOVE THESE TWO.

  • MOST PEOPLE BELIEVE IF YOU WANT SOMEBODY TO LIKE YOU,

  • YOU SHOULD DO SOMETHING FOR THEM, RIGHT?

  • DO SOMETHING NICE FOR THEM.

  • THE OPPOSITE IS ACTUALLY TRUE.

  • IF YOU WANT SOMEBODY TO LIKE YOU MORE, YOU WANT TO CONVINCE THEM

  • TO DO SOMETHING FOR YOU.

  • IT'S BASIC COGNITIVE DISSONANCE THEORY,

  • IF YOU ASK SOMEBODY TO TAKE YOU HOME

  • AND THEY DON'T HAVE TO TAKE YOU HOME--

  • IT'S A CHOICE, RIGHT?

  • HERE'S WHAT GOES ON IN THEIR HEAD--

  • "ALL RIGHT, I JUST DROVE 20--"

  • THEY'RE NOT THINKING IT OUT LOUD, BUT UNCONSCIOUSLY,

  • NON-CONSCIOUSLY, THEY'RE THINKING,

  • "I JUST WENT 20 MINUTES OUT OF MY WAY TO TAKE THIS PERSON HOME.

  • "I DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THAT-- I CHOSE TO DO IT.

  • "I'M A GOOD, SMART PERSON-- MY TIME IS VALUABLE.

  • "SO WHY WOULD I DO THAT?

  • "OH, I MUST LIKE THEM...

  • "BECAUSE I WOULDN'T DO IT-- THAT'D BE STUPID

  • "IF I DID IT FOR SOMEBODY I DIDN'T LIKE."

  • SO IN FACT, THE PSYCHOLOGY IS...

  • WHEN PEOPLE DO SOMETHING FOR YOU,

  • THEY ACTUALLY LIKE YOU MORE.

  • NOW, I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT MANIPULATING PEOPLE.

  • I WANT YOU TO BE KIND AND GENTLE.

  • (audience laughing) HERE'S ANOTHER ONE.

  • DO SOMETHING EXCITING.

  • IF YOU HAVE A CHOICE BETWEEN GOING TO A HORROR FLICK

  • AND A ROMANTIC COMEDY, GO TO THE HORROR FLICK.

  • MISATTRIBUTION OF EMOTION.

  • OR GO ON A ROLLER COASTER RIDE.

  • IT'S REALLY GOOD.

  • BECAUSE WHAT HAPPENS IS IS THAT AN EMOTIONAL STATE--

  • WHEN YOU GO TO SOMETHING SCARY LIKE A ROLLER COASTER

  • OR A HORROR FLICK--

  • AND THAT'S ASSUMING THAT IT'S NOT PUTTING THEM OVER THE EDGE,

  • WHERE THEY ARE FREAKED OUT--

  • BUT WHAT HAPPENS IS YOU GET A LITTLE BIT AFRAID.

  • THAT'S THE SAME PHYSIOLOGY OF LOVE.

  • YOU KNOW, HEART RATE...

  • BODY BECOMES FLUSHED...

  • ADRENALINE STARTS FLOWING.

  • WHAT HAPPENS IS THEN A LITTLE BIT OF THAT BIOLOGY

  • SPILLS OVER TO THE PERSON YOU'RE WITH.

  • WE MISATTRIBUTE SOME OF THAT PHYSIOLOGY

  • TOWARDS THE PERSON CAUSING IT.

  • MAKE IT EQUAL.

  • THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT-- THIS IS IMPORTANT FOR TWO REASONS.

  • NUMBER ONE IS IT CREATES THAT TIT-FOR-TAT RELATIONSHIP.

  • THE OTHER PIECE, THOUGH, IS THAT IT ACTUALLY EMPOWERS YOU.

  • PSYCHOLOGICALLY, YOU KNOW THAT IF THE PERSON

  • THAT YOU'RE GOING OUT WITH IS ALWAYS BUYING THE MEALS,

  • ALWAYS PAYING FOR THINGS, ALWAYS DRIVING...

  • YOU COGNITIVELY, CONSCIOUSLY OR UNCONSCIOUSLY,

  • FEEL THE NEED FOR EQUALITY...

  • WHICH MEANS THEN YOU HAVE TO FIGURE OUT WAYS,

  • "WELL, HOW CAN I MAKE THIS RELATIONSHIP EQUAL?

  • "THIS PERSON IS GIVING ME ALL OF THIS STUFF.

  • "WHAT AM I GOING TO DO TO MAKE IT EQUAL?"

  • WELL, YOU MIGHT END UP DOING SOMETHING

  • YOU REALLY DON'T WANT TO DO.

  • SO MAKE IT EQUAL RIGHT FROM THE GET-GO.

  • AND THEN, LASTLY, YOU KNOW WHAT-- TAKE A CHANCE.

  • I GUARANTEE YOU YOU'RE GOING TO GET YOUR HEART BROKEN.

  • AT LEAST MOST OF US HAVE, RIGHT?

  • AT SOME POINT.

  • THAT'S PART OF THE PROCESS, THAT'S PART OF THE LEARNING.

  • IN FACT, ONE OF THE THINGS WE TALK ABOUT

  • IS SUCCESSIVE APPROXIMATION TOWARDS YOUR GOAL,

  • TOWARDS YOUR SUCCESS.

  • I'M GOING TO BET ALMOST EVERYBODY IN THIS ROOM,

  • IF YOU THINK ABOUT THE VERY FIRST PERSON YOU DATED,

  • YOU ARE REALLY THANKFUL THAT YOU DIDN'T END UP WITH THAT PERSON.

  • (audience chuckling)

  • BUT THAT WAS A LEARNING EXPERIENCE.

  • LIKE, "OKAY, I'M TAKING A SHOT IN THE DARK.

  • "OH, THAT DOESN'T REALLY WORK, DOES IT?"

  • SO YOU LEARN FROM THAT, THOUGH, AND THE NEXT PERSON

  • WAS A LITTLE CLOSER, AND THE NEXT PERSON--

  • AND THEN, EVENTUALLY, YOU HONE IN ON THAT RIGHT PERSON.

  • BUT THAT MEANS TAKING A CHANCE.

  • THAT MEANS UNDERSTANDING THAT YOU ARE CAPABLE

  • OF STANDING HEARTBREAK.

  • AND IN FACT, YOU WILL LEARN AND GROW FROM IT.

  • OKAY, NOW IT IS TIME FOR QUESTIONS, ANSWERS,

  • THOUGHTS, REFLECTIONS.

  • WHAT DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?

  • >> CLARIFICATION OF "SIMILARITY."

  • YOU MENTIONED ALL SIMILAR BEHAVIORS

  • BUT NOT SIMILAR INTERESTS.

  • >> YEAH, THE QUESTION IS-- I'M GONNA REPEAT THE QUESTION

  • BECAUSE THIS IS BEING RECORDED FOR YOUTUBE AND--

  • THE QUESTION OF SIMILARITY.

  • IT BASICALLY STARTS WITH PERSONALITY,

  • AND THEN IT BUILDS UP FROM THERE.

  • SO VALUES, PRINCIPLES, BEHAVIORS.

  • PERSONALITY COMES FIRST BECAUSE OUR BEHAVIORS

  • COME FROM OUR PERSONALITIES.

  • OUR EXPECTATIONS, OUR DESIRES COME FROM OUR PERSONALITY.

  • FAMILY VALUES-- IT'S MORE DIFFICULT FOR PEOPLE

  • WHO ARE DIFFERENT SOCIOECONOMIC BACKGROUNDS TO PAIR.

  • THAT IS NOT TO SUGGEST THEY CAN'T,

  • IF THEY HAVE OTHER SIMILARITIES, BUT BASICALLY,

  • IF YOU THINK ABOUT ALL OF THE THINGS

  • THAT MAKE YOU A PERSON FROM WHAT YOUR PERSONALITY IS,

  • FROM THE THINGS YOU DO ON A DAILY BASIS,

  • YOUR EDUCATIONAL GOALS, WHERE YOU WANT TO LIVE,

  • ALL OF THOSE THINGS, THE MORE SIMILAR--

  • THEY DON'T HAVE TO BE 100%--

  • BUT THE MORE SIMILAR,

  • THE MORE LIKELY YOU ARE TO SUSTAIN A RELATIONSHIP.

  • WHAT ELSE?

  • NOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DON'T HAVE QUESTIONS.

  • >> HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE "DOPAMINE"?

  • >> I HAVE NOT.

  • THE QUESTION OF HAVE I SEEN THE MOVIE "DOPAMINE"-- I HAVE NOT.

  • >> OKAY, I WAS WONDERING IF YOU HAD SEEN

  • AND WHAT YOUR TAKE ON IT WAS.

  • >> SINCE I HAVEN'T SEEN IT, I DON'T HAVE A "TAKE."

  • (audience laughing)

  • >> WHAT WOULD YOU RECOMMEND WHEN THERE

  • IS AN EMOTIONAL ATTRACTION BUT NO SEXUAL ATTRACTION?

  • >> THAT'S A REALLY GOOD FRIEND.

  • THE QUESTION IS WHEN YOU HAVE AN EMOTIONAL ATTRACTION

  • BUT NO PHYSICAL ATTRACTION.

  • THAT'S AN OPPORTUNITY FOR JUST A MARVELOUS FRIENDSHIP.

  • NOW, THE THING IS, IS THAT THE DATA WOULD ACTUALLY SUGGEST

  • THAT IF YOU'RE ATTRACTED--

  • YOU KNOW, IF YOU'RE HETEROSEXUAL AND IT'S A WOMAN,

  • OR IF YOU'RE HOMOSEXUAL AND IT'S A MAN,

  • THE DATA WOULD SUGGEST THAT THE EMOTIONAL ATTRACTION,

  • ASSUMING THAT IT IS SHARED, WILL EVENTUALLY--

  • OR COULD EVENTUALLY EVOLVE INTO A PASSIONATE

  • AND A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP.

  • IF IT DOESN'T, THEN YOU HAVE A MARVELOUS, GOOD FRIEND.

  • >> (indistinct speaking).

  • >> YEAH, THE QUESTION IS HOW DO YOU MAKE IT EQUAL

  • "WHEN THE FINANCIAL STATUS IS DIFFERENT?"

  • WELL, THAT'S WHEN YOU GET TO A COMMUNAL RELATIONSHIP.

  • WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR IS THE TOTALITY OF EQUALITY,

  • WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR IS--

  • YEAH, BECAUSE IN MOST CASES,

  • YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE SOME UNEQUAL FINANCIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

  • SO THE QUESTION IS HOW DOES THE PERSON FEEL-- BOTH OF THEM?

  • AND DOES THE PERSON FEEL LIKE THERE'S SOME BALANCE

  • THAT IS HAPPENING TO MAKE IT EQUAL?

  • SO FINANCE CAN ACTUALLY BE QUITE COMPLICATED

  • IF ONE PERSON FEELS LIKE, "I'M MAKING ALL THE MONEY

  • "AND YOU'RE NOT MAKING ANY EFFORT TO MAKE THE MONEY."

  • BUT YOU COULD ALSO HAVE A SITUATION IS THAT,

  • "YES, YOU'RE LIVING YOUR DREAM

  • "AND YOU'RE DOING WHAT YOU REALLY WANT TO DO.

  • "I'M LIVING MY DREAM.

  • "WE ARE NURTURING EACH OTHER SPIRITUALLY,

  • "AND ALONG WITH THAT,

  • "YOU PROVIDE FOR ME AN EMOTIONAL FOUNDATION.

  • "YOU PROVIDE FOR ME THESE THINGS THAT ALLOW ME

  • "TO MAKE MORE MONEY.

  • "YOU CREATE A FOUNDATION FOR ME TO MAKE THAT."

  • YOU HAVE TO, IN A COMMUNAL WAY, FEEL THAT THERE IS EQUALITY.

  • >> SO WOULD YOU SAY THAT LOVE IS A CHOICE?

  • >> ABSOLUTELY, LOVE IS A CHOICE.

  • WE CHOOSE TO LOVE.

  • IS THERE A BIOLOGICAL ATTRACTION TO MATE?

  • YES.

  • I MEAN, THAT'S SURVIVAL OF THE SPECIES.

  • BUT LOVE IS A CHOICE AND MOST THEORISTS IN LOVE THEORY

  • WOULD ARGUE THAT-- THAT WE CHOOSE TO LOVE.

  • AND BY CHOOSING TO LOVE, IT ACTUALLY EMPOWERS US.

  • IT ACTUALLY ALLOWS US TO SAY,

  • "HEY, I DON'T HAVE TO BE ABUSED,"

  • OR "I DON'T HAVE TO HAVE INEQUALITY,

  • "AND I DESERVE TO BE NURTURED."

  • SO YES, I ABSOLUTELY BELIEVE LOVE IS A CHOICE.

  • >> SO LIKE YOU WERE SAYING EARLIER--

  • IF YOU DO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP

  • AND YOU START LOSING THE PASSION,

  • THAT COULD BE NORMAL

  • AND NOT SYMBOLIZE THE END OF THE RELATIONSHIP?

  • >> YEAH, ABSOLUTELY.

  • THE QUESTION IS, IS IF YOU'RE IN A RELATIONSHIP

  • AND YOU START LOSING THE PASSION,

  • IS THAT NORMAL OR DOES IT SYMBOLIZE THE WANING

  • OR THE END OF THE RELATIONSHIP,

  • AND THE ANSWER TO THAT IS I GUARANTEE YOU,

  • IN ANY LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP,

  • THAT YOU'RE GOING TO SEE PASSION DECREASE.

  • NOT NECESSARILY LONG-TERM,

  • BUT THERE ARE GOING TO BE PERIODS OF TIME

  • WHEN THE PASSION WILL DECREASE.

  • AND SOMETIMES IT'S SITUATIONAL.

  • WHEN YOU HAVE A TWO-YEAR-OLD BABY, YOU KNOW,

  • SCREAMING AND SPITTING UP FOOD AND STUFF,

  • IT'S REALLY HARD TO BE SEXY. (audience laughing)

  • AND IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT SEXY, BUT--

  • OR AGAIN, IF YOU'VE GOT EXAMS IF YOU'RE WORRYING ABOUT MONEY,

  • YOU KNOW, IF YOU HAVE AN UNHEALTHY PARENT,

  • THEN STRESSORS DECREASE OUR SEXUALITY.

  • IN FACT, ONE OF THE THINGS WE ALSO KNOW-- IT'S CYCLICAL.

  • I MEAN, THERE'S SO MUCH RESEARCH THAT I DIDN'T HAVE TIME

  • TO SHARE IT ALL.

  • THERE IS A MARVELOUS STUDY THAT LOOKED AT WOMEN'S APPAREL

  • WHEN THEY ARE OVULATING VERSUS WHEN THEY'RE MENSTRUAL CYCLE--

  • WOMEN SHOW MORE SKIN WHEN THEY'RE OVULATING

  • THAN WHEN THEY'RE IN THEIR MENSTRUAL CYCLE,

  • AND EVEN IF YOU HAVE THEM DRESS THEMSELVES--

  • LIKE HAVE LITTLE CARTOONS AND THEN DRAW CLOTHES,

  • THEY DRAW LESS CLOTHES ON THEMSELVES

  • WHEN THEY ARE OVULATING.

  • SO EVEN IN A MONTH, THERE'S A CYCLE.

  • AND MEN HAVE SIMILAR CYCLES.

  • SO YEAH, YOU'RE GOING TO EXPECT THAT ON A MONTHLY, YEARLY,

  • AND A LIFETIME BASIS.

  • THAT'S WHERE THE OTHER SUSTAINS IT.

  • AND WHAT YOU FIND, THEN, IF YOU DO THOSE OTHER QUALITIES,

  • LIKE FIND THINGS THAT YOU DO TOGETHER THAT YOU ENJOY,

  • IT ALLOWS YOU TO REKINDLE THE PASSION,

  • ASSUMING THAT IT WAS THERE AT ONE POINT.

  • >> (indistinct speaking).

  • >> YES.

  • >> WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IS THE HEALTHY WAY

  • TO GO ABOUT THOSE DIFFERENCES?

  • YOU KNOW, AGREE TO DISAGREE OR...?

  • >> THE QUESTION IS ABOUT HOW TO ENGAGE IN HEALTHY ARGUMENTS,

  • WHICH IS A VERY IMPORTANT PIECE.

  • NUMBER ONE, FIRST AND FOREMOST,

  • IS YOU REMEMBER THAT YOU LOVE THIS PERSON.

  • FIRST AND FOREMOST, YOU HAVE TO KEEP IN YOUR MIND

  • THAT YOU LOVE THIS PERSON.

  • SECONDARILY, YOU VIEW ARGUMENT AS A WAY TO PROBLEM SOLVE.

  • SO IF YOU VIEW IT AS A WAY TO PROBLEM SOLVE,

  • THEN YOU FOCUS ON "WHAT'S BOTHERING YOU?

  • "HONESTLY, WHAT'S BOTHERING YOU?"

  • AND SO, YOU SPEAK FROM AN "I" STATEMENT

  • ABOUT "WHEN YOU DO THIS, THIS IS WHAT I FEEL.

  • "HERE IS WHAT'S BOTHERING--"

  • SO YOU DON'T SAY, "WHEN YOU DO THAT--

  • "YOU KNOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD DO THAT."

  • YOU ALSO, AGAIN-- YOU DON'T BERATE THE PERSON.

  • YOU NEVER BERATE THE PERSON-- IN ARGUMENTS, IT'S EASIER TO DO.

  • YOU DON'T GO TO PAST EVENTS.

  • "WELL, THREE YEARS AGO...

  • "WELL, LAST WEEK..."

  • SO IF YOU WANT TO DO IS TO FOCUS--

  • AND YOU WANT TO GENUINELY LISTEN TO THE PERSON

  • AND TRY AND UNDERSTAND WHAT ARE THEY UPSET ABOUT.

  • WHAT IS CAUSING THEM TO FEEL THIS WAY?

  • SO THE BEST WAY TO THINK ABOUT IT

  • IS YOU FOCUS NOT ON THE PERSON

  • BUT THE ISSUE AT HAND.

  • REMEMBER FIRST AND FOREMOST THAT YOU LOVE THE PERSON.

  • BECAUSE AGAIN, IF YOU LOVE THE PERSON,

  • WHY WOULD YOU INSULT THEM?

  • WHY WOULD YOU INTENTIONALLY WANT TO MAKE THEM FEEL BAD?

  • >> WHAT'S THE BEST WAY TO GO ABOUT CONTINUING

  • IN A RELATIONSHIP AFTER YOU'VE BROKEN UP

  • BUT YOU WANT TO GET BACK TOGETHER?

  • >> (chuckling) THE QUESTION IS

  • HOW DO YOU CONTINUE A RELATIONSHIP

  • AFTER YOU'VE BROKEN UP AND YOU WANT TO GET BACK TOGETHER?

  • WHO WANTS TO GET BACK TOGETHER-- BOTH PEOPLE?

  • THEN, WHAT YOU NEED TO DO IS--

  • AND THIS IS WHERE WE GET IN TROUBLE WITH LOVE,

  • THE SAME THING WE GET IN TROUBLE

  • WITH ALL KINDS OF HUMAN THINGS LIKE SEX, WHATEVER.

  • IS THE FIRST THING YOU NEED TO DO IS TO APPROACH IT

  • SOMEWHAT SCIENTIFICALLY, SOMEWHAT PROBLEM-SOLVING,

  • WHICH IS TO HAVE A CONVERSATION

  • ABOUT WHY DIDN'T IT WORK TO BEGIN WITH.

  • "WHAT WAS IT THAT CAUSED US TO BREAK UP TO BEGIN WITH?

  • "WHAT ABOUT ME, WHAT ABOUT YOU, WHAT ABOUT US?"

  • AND THEN, ENTERTAIN THE QUESTION,

  • "SO WHAT IS DIFFERENT TODAY?

  • "IS ANYTHING DIFFERENT TODAY?"

  • BECAUSE IF IT'S NOT,

  • YOU KNOW, WHILE YOU MIGHT WANT TO GET BACK TOGETHER,

  • IT'S JUST NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

  • SO YOU HAVE TO APPROACH IT IN A VERY ANALYTICAL WAY,

  • WHICH WE DON'T LIKE TO DO WITH LOVE.

  • ANALYTICAL... LOVE?

  • NO-- IT'S JUST SUPPOSED TO BE BELLS AND WHISTLES

  • AND LITTLE CUPIDS RUNNING AROUND.

  • YOU JUST HAVE TO BE VERY HONEST ABOUT IT.

  • >> DO YOU THINK THAT PEOPLE CAN BE FRIENDS AFTER THEY BREAK UP?

  • >> CAN PEOPLE BE FRIENDS AFTER THEY BREAK UP?

  • WELL, AGAIN, IT DEPENDS ON THE INTENSITY OF THE RELATIONSHIP,

  • IT DEPENDS ON WHY THEY BROKE UP.

  • IT'S REALLY HARD BECAUSE THERE IS AN EMOTIONAL PIECE

  • THAT TIES INTO IT.

  • IT DOES HAPPEN BUT IT'S REALLY DIFFICULT.

  • NOW, IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN,

  • THEN YOU NEED TO WORK TOWARDS IT VERY STRONGLY

  • BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, IT IS A BUMPER STICKER--

  • "BEHAVE FOR THE CHILDREN."

  • THAT'S ABSOLUTELY TRUE.

  • AND SO, THE MORE YOU CAN WORK TOWARDS PROBLEM-SOLVING--

  • BUT IT'S REALLY DIFFICULT TO DO.

  • >> ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH THE WORD "LIMERENCE"?

  • >> LIMERENCE-- I'M NOT.

  • DO YOU WANT TO TELL ME WHAT IT IS?

  • >> OH, I JUST WANTED TO KNOW IF YOU...

  • (indistinct speaking). >> OKAY.

  • >> DO YOU BELIEVE LONG-DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS CAN (indistinct)?

  • >> THIS IS ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE INTERESTING PIECES.

  • DISTANCE DOES NOT MAKE THE HEART GROW FONDER.

  • DISTANCE MAKES THE EYES WANDER. (audience laughing)

  • YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT-- I'M NOT SUGGESTING IT CAN'T WORK,

  • BUT NUMBER ONE, YOU HAVE TO RECOGNIZE THAT IT'S NOT EASY,

  • THAT IT IS PAINFUL AND DIFFICULT,

  • AND YOU NEED TO FIND WAYS-- NOW, THERE--

  • AND THERE NEEDS TO BE A VERY SPECIFIC REASONS.

  • SO IF YOUR PARTNER IS IN IRAQ AND YOU KNOW THAT HE OR SHE

  • IS GOING TO BE THERE FOR A PERIOD OF TIME,

  • YOU KNOW THERE'S A REASON FOR IT.

  • IT MAKES IT A LOT EASIER TO JUSTIFY IT.

  • BUT BECAUSE OF WHAT YOUR PARTNER PROVIDES YOU--

  • LIKE THE PASSION PART MOST PEOPLE CAN MANAGE FAIRLY WELL.

  • BUT IT'S THE INTIMACY PIECE THAT WE REALLY NEED.

  • IT'S THAT AFFIRMING PIECE THAT WE REALLY NEED.

  • IT'S WHY WE HAVE THIS PERSON IN OUR LIVES.

  • SO IF IT'S LONG-DISTANCE, THERE NEEDS TO BE A REASON

  • AND I NEED TO UNDERSTAND THE DURATION OF IT--

  • AT LEAST A BALLPARK DURATION--

  • AND I HAVE TO WORK REALLY HARD

  • TO KEEP THAT INTIMACY CONNECTION ALIVE,

  • BECAUSE THAT'S WHY I'VE GOT THIS PERSON IN MY LIFE.

  • >> CAN GUYS AND GIRLS "JUST BE FRIENDS"?

  • >> CAN GUYS AND GIRLS JUST BE FRIENDS?

  • SURE.

  • YOU CAN BE-- IT'S DIFFICULT.

  • IT'S DIFFICULT BECAUSE INTIMACY, REMEMBER, CAN EVOKE PASSION.

  • SO YOU HAVE TO MAKE A CHOICE ABOUT "ALL RIGHT,

  • "FOR SITUATIONAL REASONS, FOR CULTURAL REASONS, WHATEVER,

  • "I'M GONNA MAKE A CHOICE TO HAVE THESE."

  • NOW, IT IS DIFFICULT BECAUSE OF THAT NEXIS OF--

  • YOU KNOW, WHEN WE HAVE EMOTIONAL CONNECTIONS,

  • IT OFTEN TIMES WILL EVOKE PHYSICAL CONNECTIONS.

  • BUT IT CAN BE DONE.

  • >> (indistinct speaking).

  • >> THE QUESTION IS IF THERE IS BOREDOM IN THE RELATIONSHIP

  • WITHOUT CHILDREN, DO I THINK THE PASSION WILL EVER COME BACK?

  • ASSUMING THAT YOU HAVE INTIMACY AND COMMITMENT, THEN YEAH,

  • YOU CAN TYPICALLY SPARK PASSION.

  • ONE OF THE THINGS YOU NEED TO DO IS HAVE A CONVERSATION ABOUT IT,

  • TO BE HONEST ABOUT IT.

  • AND THEN, DO THINGS THAT YOU ENJOY TOGETHER,

  • NOT FOCUSED ON THE PASSION PART NECESSARILY,

  • BUT DO SOME THINGS THAT REALLY CREATES EXCITEMENT

  • IN THE BOTH OF YOU, AND THEN OFTEN TIMES,

  • YOU CAN TAKE THAT EXCITEMENT--

  • AGAIN, IT'S SORT OF THAT MISATTRIBUTION OF EMOTION--

  • AND TRANSFER IT.

  • SO IF THERE'S SOMETHING THAT YOU BOTH REALLY ENJOY DOING,

  • SPEND TIME DOING IT.

  • AND WHEN YOU GET THOSE GOOD FEELINGS ABOUT THE BEHAVIOR,

  • YOU CAN TAKE THAT AND TRANSFER IT INTO PASSION.

  • >> (indistinct speaking).

  • >> ONLY IF YOU'RE FOCUSED ENTIRELY ON THE PASSION.

  • IF THE PASSION IS ALL THAT I'M REALLY INTERESTED IN,

  • THAT'S THE DOMINANT--

  • THERE'S CERTAINLY-- AND MANY RELATIONSHIPS ARE THAT WAY.

  • YOU KNOW, IT'S THE SIX WEEKS OF PASSION, AND THEN IT'S OVER.

  • BUT IT'S NOT TO SUGGEST THAT A RELATIONSHIP

  • THAT ORIGINATES WITH PASSION COULDN'T BE--

  • COULDN'T EVOLVE INTO MORE.

  • IT'S MORE LIKELY THAT THE OPPOSITE OCCURS,

  • THAT INTIMACY AND COMMITMENT EVOLVE INTO PASSION

  • THAN THE OPPOSITE.

  • >> HOW DO YOU SUGGEST EQUALIZING YOUR TIME

  • BETWEEN YOUR PARTNER AND YOUR CHILD

  • WITHOUT ONE OF THEM GETTING JEALOUS?

  • >> HOW DO YOU EQUALIZE YOUR TIME BETWEEN YOUR PARTNER

  • AND YOUR CHILD SO THAT ONE OF THEM DOESN'T GET JEALOUS?

  • WELL, THE POINT HERE IS THE ISSUE OF JEALOUSY.

  • NEITHER ONE OF THEM SHOULD GET JEALOUS.

  • I MEAN, THIS IS ONE OF THOSE COMMITTED PIECES

  • OF A RELATIONSHIP.

  • CHILDREN, AT TIMES, TAKE FAR MORE TIME

  • THAN YOU WANT TO GIVE THEM...

  • BUT THAT'S JUST THE COMMITMENT TO RAISING A CHILD.

  • AND SO, PART OF THAT IS AN HONEST CONVERSATION

  • ABOUT "YOU KNOW, BECAUSE I'M SPENDING TIME HERE

  • "DOESN'T SUGGEST THAT I DON'T WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU,"

  • BUT IT'S ONE OF THOSE HONEST, ANALYTICAL PIECES

  • THAT "WE NEED TO BE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW.

  • "AND I WILL COMMIT THAT WE CAN CONNECT TO FINDING WAYS

  • "IN WHICH WE CAN BE TOGETHER."

  • SO IT MAY BE-- "LET'S-- THE WEEKS ARE REALLY BAD

  • "BUT WHAT WE CAN DO

  • "IS HOW ABOUT LET'S GET GRANDMA TO WATCH THE CHILD,

  • "AND THEN WE'RE GOING TO SPEND FOUR HOURS--

  • "OR IF WE'RE REALLY LUCKY--

  • "MAYBE WE CAN GET A NIGHT SOMEWHERE."

  • PART OF IT IS JUST THAT OPEN HONESTY

  • AND PART OF IT IS AN ACCEPTANCE BY BOTH PARTNERS

  • THAT WHEN YOU HAVE CHILDREN, YOU DON'T GET EQUAL TIME,

  • AND THAT'S JUST A REALITY.

  • >> WHEN YOU'RE DATING SOMEONE THAT IS NOT AS MATURE

  • AS YOU ARE-- CAN YOU STILL MAKE IT WORK?

  • >> DATING SOMEONE WHO'S NOT AS MATURE?

  • "MATURE" IS DEFINED AS...? >> AS MENTALLY TYPE OF THING.

  • >> EMOTIONALLY OR...?

  • WELL AGAIN, IT GETS BACK TO THAT SIMILARITY ISSUE.

  • MATURITY, IT WOULD BE A MEASURE OF SIMILARITY.

  • SO IF YOU ARE MATURE-WISE OR DEVELOPMENTALLY

  • AT VERY DIFFERENT LEVELS,

  • IT'S GONNA BE HARD TO SUSTAIN THE RELATIONSHIP

  • BECAUSE IT'S GOING TO BE HARD--

  • YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE DIFFERENT GOALS,

  • YOU'RE GOING TO SEE THE WORLD IN DIFFERENT WAYS,

  • YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE DIFFERENT EXPERIENCES.

  • SO MATURITY IS ONE OF--

  • NOW, IF YOU HAVE LOTS OF OTHER SIMILARITIES,

  • THEN YOU MAY BE ABLE TO BALANCE IT OUT.

  • BUT NONETHELESS, THAT IS ONE OF THOSE SIMILARITY RUBRICS.

  • >> (indistinct speaking).

  • >> I'M TRYING TO MOVE SO I CAN SEE YOU.

  • THE QUESTION IS WHAT DOES IT MEAN WHEN YOU'RE OUTGOING,

  • BUT WHEN YOU GET AROUND YOUR PARTNER,

  • THAT YOU JUST FREEZE UP?

  • UM...

  • I DON'T KNOW WHY.

  • I MEAN, IF YOUR INNATE PERSONALITY

  • IS ONE TO BE OUTGOING AND SOCIAL,

  • AND THEN WHY IS THAT-- AND THAT REALLY IS WHO YOU ARE.

  • I MEAN, IF YOU LOOK AT THE REST OF YOUR LIFE

  • AND THAT IS REALLY HOW YOU BEHAVE,

  • THEN IT WOULD BE A RED FLAG FOR ME--

  • "WHY IS IT THAT MY BEHAVIOR IS SIGNIFICANTLY DIFFERENT

  • "WHEN I'M WITH MY PARTNER?"

  • BECAUSE WHAT YOU WANT IS A RELATIONSHIP

  • THAT DOESN'T CHANGE WHO YOU ARE

  • BUT, IN FACT, ENHANCES WHO YOU ARE,

  • THAT ACCEPTS YOUR CORE PERSONALITY,

  • YOUR CORE WAY OF BEING,

  • AND THEN PROVIDES YOU WITH A RELATIONSHIP,

  • WITH AN ENVIRONMENT,

  • THAT, IN FACT, ALLOWS THE PART TO GROW AND DEVELOP MORE.

  • SO I'D BE ASKING SOME MORE QUESTIONS

  • ABOUT "WHAT IS IT ABOUT THIS RELATIONSHIP THAT CAUSES ME

  • "TO BEHAVE-- IS IT ME?

  • "AM I PUTTING FORTH A FALSE SELF

  • "BECAUSE I THINK I NEED TO PLEASE THIS PERSON

  • "AND THAT'S NOT REALLY ACCURATE?

  • "IS IT THE PERSON WHO'S SAYING 'IF YOU DON'T BEHAVE THIS WAY,

  • "'I'M NOT GOING TO LOVE YOU'?"

  • I REALLY FOCUS ON THAT DYNAMIC

  • AND WONDER WHAT IS GOING ON HERE.

  • BECAUSE WHO I AM WHEN I'M WITH MY OTHER FRIENDS

  • AND WHO I ENJOY BEING OUGHT TO BE THE SAME PERSON

  • THAT YOU WOULD SEE WHEN YOU'RE WITH YOUR PARTNER.

  • >> WHAT SHOULD YOU DO IN A SITUATION

  • WHERE YOU'RE A LITTLE BIT MORE WITHDRAWN

  • AND THE OTHER PERSON IS JUST EXTREMELY NEEDY,

  • TO THE POINT OF... (indistinct).

  • >> WELL, THEN WE'RE GETTING BACK TO PERSONALITY ISSUES--

  • I MEAN, ATTACHMENT ISSUES.

  • YOU KNOW, AND IT'S CERTAINLY POSSIBLE THAT WE'VE GOT A PERSON

  • WHO HAS THAT ANXIOUS PERSONALITY DISORDER,

  • THAT IN FACT THEY REALLY NEED TO WORK ON THEMSELVES,

  • THEY REALLY NEED TO UNDERSTAND THAT THEY ARE CAPABLE

  • OF BEING LOVED,

  • THAT THEY ARE CAPABLE OF BEING IN RELATIONSHIP,

  • THEY DESERVE TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP.

  • THERE'S NOTHING THAT WE CAN DO FOR SOMEBODY ELSE.

  • THEY CAN ONLY DO IT FOR THEMSELVES.

  • AND SO, IN ANY GIVEN SITUATION,

  • PART OF OUR CONTINUING EVALUATION

  • IS "DOES THIS MEET THE DEFINITION OF LOVE?"

  • I MEAN, ALL RELATIONSHIPS HAVE COSTS.

  • ANY RELATIONSHIP WE HAVE, THERE IS A COST-BENEFIT RATIO

  • THAT WE ARE CONSTANTLY SORT OF EVALUATING.

  • "AM I GIVING MORE THAN I'M RECEIVING?"

  • AND THAT'S THE QUESTION.

  • SO I CAN'T MAKE MY PARTNER BECOME SOMEBODY ELSE.

  • IF THAT PERSON THAT HE OR SHE HAPPENS TO BE

  • IS NOT ALLOWING ME TO GROW AND DEVELOP, AND THAT PERSON--

  • AND THAT WE, AS A COUPLE,

  • ARE NOT WILLING TO WORK ON IT AND GROW AND DEVELOP,

  • THEN THAT'S SORT OF THE CRITERIA

  • THAT "WE PROBABLY SHOULDN'T BE TOGETHER ANYMORE."

  • IF THE PERSON IS WILLING TO WORK ON IT

  • AND UNDERSTANDS WHERE THAT INSECURE ATTACHMENT COMES FROM--

  • AND I'M JUST DOING ARMCHAIR ANALYSIS HERE--

  • THEN IT'S WORTH THE INVESTMENT,

  • IT'S WORTH STICKING IN

  • AND SEEING HOW THAT WILL EVOLVE OVER TIME.

  • >> WELL, LET'S SAY THAT YOU'VE BEEN TOGETHER

  • FOR ABOUT EIGHT YEARS AND THE CYCLE IS KIND OF (indistinct).

  • >> WELL, THEN YOU REALLY START GETTING INTO THAT EVALUATION MODEL

  • ABOUT THE COST OF STAYING AND THE COST OF LEAVING.

  • >> ALONG THAT SAME QUESTION,

  • HOW INVOLVED SHOULD WE BE IN SOMEONE'S PROCESS

  • OF CHANGING THEIR BEHAVIOR? >> THAT YOU SHOULDN'T BE.

  • >> (indistinct speaking).

  • >> WELL, THAT'S PART OF THE NURTURING PROCESS.

  • REMEMBER, YOU CAN'T MAKE ANYBODY CHANGE.

  • THEY CAN CHOOSE TO WORK ON THEMSELVES

  • AND THEY CAN INVITE YOU TO BE PART OF THE PROCESS.

  • SO AS THEY ARE CONTINUING TO GROW AND DEVELOP THEMSELVES,

  • THEY CAN INVITE YOU TO HELP THEM DO IT.

  • YOU COULD BE AN AID.

  • BUT IT'S AT AN INVITATION.

  • WHAT YOU CAN'T DO IS TO EVOKE CHANGE IN SOMEBODY ELSE,

  • TO MAKE SOMEBODY ELSE CHANGE,

  • TO TRY AND CREATE AN ENVIRONMENT

  • WHERE THEY WILL CHANGE.

  • IT'S JUST NOT GOING TO FLY.

  • >> COMING FROM THE OTHER PERSPECTIVE OF TRYING TO CHANGE,

  • CAN YOU EXPECT YOUR PARTNER TO HELP YOU OUT WITH THAT?

  • >> NO, I SAID YOU CAN INVITE THEM-- ABSOLUTELY.

  • THAT'S THE DEFINITION OF LOVE.

  • BECAUSE-- I MEAN, I'M TALKING ABOUT CHANGE--

  • ALL OF US ARE GROWING AND DEVELOPING, IF WE'RE LUCKY.

  • AND PART OF LOVE IS HAVING A PERSON THAT IS PART

  • OF THAT GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT.

  • BUT YOU INVITE THEM TO DO IT.

  • THEY DON'T PUSH IT ON YOU.

  • >> IN LIKE A LONG-TERM MARRIAGE, YOUR PARTNER WILL CHANGE.

  • WHAT IF YOUR PARTNER CHANGES INTO SOMETHING YOU DON'T LIKE...

  • (indistinct speaking).

  • >> WELL, AGAIN-- AND THE QUESTION

  • IS IN A LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP, IN A MARRIAGE,

  • AND YOUR PARTNER IS GROWING IN A WAY

  • THAT YOU DON'T WANT.

  • WELL, WHAT WE WOULD SUSPECT IS THAT SOMEWHERE ALONG THE WAY,

  • THERE WAS A BREAKDOWN IN COMMUNICATION

  • AND A BREAKDOWN IN MUTUAL DEVELOPMENT,

  • MOVING TOWARDS A SIMILAR PATH,

  • WHICH MAY MEAN THAT THEY WERE ACTUALLY DIFFERENT VALUES,

  • DIFFERENT EXPERIENCES THAT STARTED MANIFESTING THEMSELVES

  • OVER TIME.

  • WE CAN ONLY HOLD THINGS IN SO LONG, AND EVENTUALLY,

  • IF IT'S A FALSE SELF THAT YOU BRING TO A RELATIONSHIP,

  • EVENTUALLY THAT AUTHENTIC OR TRUE SELF IS GOING TO SHOW UP.

  • AND SO, THAT'S WHEN WE START SEEING A MIGRATION.

  • AGAIN, YOU HAVE TO BE SOMEWHAT ANALYTICAL

  • AND YOU HAVE TO BE SOMEWHAT...

  • PROBLEM-SOLVING ABOUT IT.

  • IT'S LIKE, "OKAY, THIS ISN'T WORKING FOR ME ANYMORE.

  • "WHERE YOU'RE AT AND WHERE I'M AT IS NO LONGER FUNCTIONAL,

  • "SO WHAT CAN WE DO?

  • "CAN WE DO ANYTHING TO START DEVELOPING

  • "SOME MUTUAL DEVELOPMENT?

  • "BECOMING MORE PARALLEL VERSUS DIVERGENT?"

  • YOU KNOW, NOT EVERYONE IS GOING TO HAVE RELATIONSHIPS

  • WHERE YOU OVERLAP,

  • WHERE YOU ARE THE SAME PERSON GROWING IN THE SAME DIRECTION...

  • BUT THERE'S ALWAYS GOING TO BE SOME SEPARATION.

  • BUT YOU WANT SOME KIND OF PARALLEL.

  • SO AGAIN, JUST BE HONEST ABOUT IT, TALK ABOUT IT.

  • SAY, "YOU KNOW, FOR MY OWN GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT,

  • "HERE IS WHERE I AM HEADED...

  • "AND THIS IS WHERE I SEE YOU GOING.

  • "AND IF IT CONTINUES GOING DOWN THIS PATH,

  • "WE'RE NOT GOING TO BE TOGETHER.

  • "SO WHAT COULD WE DO TO BRING IT BACK TOGETHER?

  • "DO YOU WANT TO BRING IT BACK TOGETHER?"

  • I MEAN, THAT'S PART OF THE QUESTION

  • BECAUSE SOMETIMES THE PERSON SAYS,

  • "NO, I'M HAPPY THE WAY IT'S GOING."

  • THAT'S WHERE YOU GET INTO THAT UNHEALTHY--

  • NOT UNHEALTHY... UNHAPPY.

  • SO ONE MORE QUESTION.

  • >> SO FOR A LOT OF PEOPLE, THEY CAN'T DEFINE LOVE,

  • BUT YOU SEEM TO HAVE BEEN ABLE TO DEFINE LOVE

  • IN A VERY PRACTICAL SENSE AND IN THE SCIENCE.

  • DO YOU THINK IT'S (indistinct) OR, YOU KNOW,

  • WHAT PART OF IT DO YOU THINK, PERCENTAGE-WISE,

  • IS THE UNEXPLAINABLE FUZZY FEELING,

  • EMOTIONAL ASPECT.

  • >> I THINK IT'S THAT EXACT FROM A PRACTICAL PERSPECTIVE.

  • THAT'S NOT TO SUGGEST, YOU KNOW, THAT THE BUTTERFLIES--

  • I MEAN, THOSE ARE GREAT.

  • I MEAN, WHO DOESN'T WANT THOSE, RIGHT?

  • BUT THERE IS STILL A PRACTICAL COMPONENT ABOVE IT

  • THAT IT'S NOT-- FOR YOUR OWN GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT,

  • YOU CAN'T HAVE BUTTERFLIES EVERY DAY.

  • YOU CAN'T HAVE BUTTERFLIES PROBABLY NEW ONES EVERY YEAR,

  • BECAUSE THAT MEANS YOU'RE HAVING LOTS OF RELATIONSHIPS.

  • YOU KNOW, STERNBERG'S AND ERICH FROMM'S DEFINITION HAS BEEN--

  • YOU KNOW, THIS HAS BEEN AROUND A LONG TIME.

  • PEOPLE HAVE EVALUATED STERNBERG'S MODEL.

  • THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF STUDIES THAT HAVE LOOKED AT THIS

  • TO SUGGEST THIS-- REALLY, AT LEAST IN OUR CULTURE--

  • THERE ARE SOME VARIATIONS BETWEEN DIFFERENT CULTURES--

  • BUT IN WESTERN SOCIETY, IT'S A PRETTY ROBUST MODEL.

  • AND IT DOES HELP US MAKE SENSE OUT OF AND UNDERSTAND.

  • THAT'S NOT TO SUGGEST THAT THERE--

  • YOU KNOW, IN SO MANY THINGS,

  • THERE IS THAT UNDEFINABLE PART OF BEING HUMAN.

  • THAT WORKS VERY PARALLEL WITH THIS MORE OBJECTIVE,

  • ANALYTICAL PIECE OF IT.

  • YOU JUST ENJOY THE RIDE OF THE EMOTIONAL PART,

  • BUT DON'T LET IT DOMINATE YOU.

  • AND THE MORE YOU LOOK AT LOVE AS A MYSTERY THAT IS UNDEFINABLE,

  • THEN IT'S REALLY HARD TO SAY, "BUT IF THERE'S A PROBLEM,

  • "I CAN FIX IT,

  • "OR THAT I CAN EXPECT THESE THINGS OUT OF IT."

  • IT'S LIKE SO MANY HUMAN CONDITIONS

  • THAT THERE ARE PIECES THAT ARE, IN FACT, MANAGEABLE

  • AND DEFINABLE.

  • THANK YOU.

  • (applause)

(applause)

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