first time driving an actual motor vehicle.

You have your learner’s permit, right?

Yes, and I've logged a considerable number of hours on a simulator.

Good.

Didn’t work out well.

All right, can we please go?

One moment. According to my driver’s ed book,

a side mirror is properly adjusted when a portion of the driver’s door handle

is visible in the lower right corner. There’s the handle. Back, too far!

Bringing it back. Optimized.

Now, where is the switch to adjust the passenger side mirror?

It’s right there.

Where's the passenger side mirror?

In a parking lot in Hollywood. Now, can we please go?

Yes. As soon as I adjust my seat.

Whee!

Oh, dear. I’m going to have to start again.

Could you please drive a little faster?

Oh, I think we’re going sufficiently fast.

What’s that?

Nothing. The engine does that sometimes.

That can’t be nothing, the check engine light is on. We need to find a service station.

No. The light has been on since I bought the car.

All the more reason to consult with a mechanic before it explodes.

It’s not going to explode, just keep driving. Warp speed ahead, Mr. Spock.

Mr. Spock did not pilot the Enterprise. He was the science officer,

and I guarantee you that if he ever saw the Enterprise’s check engine light blinking,

he would pull the ship over immediately.

Oh, god, I’m gonna lose the arm.

Red light! Release accelerator

and slowly apply the brake.

Nailed it.

So what are you drinking?

It’s been a rough day. I usually go chamomile tea, but I don’t think that’s going to cut it.

You could have a Long Island Iced Tea.

Will that calm my nerves?

It’s calmed the pants off me a couple of times.

Sold.

Cheers, pal.

Ooh. Well, that is a treat that’s hard to beat.

Get the Mad Hatter on the horn, I’m having a tea party.

You might want to pace yourself.

I drink tea all the time. I think I know what I’m doing.

Far be it from me to criticize a man with a full pubis.

Look, Sheldon, your problem is not Wil Wheaton, okay? Your problem is the way you treated Amy.

My problem is I’m out of tea.

Come on, someone insulted your girlfriend and you just let him do it.

I thought you Texas guys stood up for your womenfolk.

Penny, please, I've evolved beyond my simple rustic upbringing.

Sorry.

On the other hand, that low-down polecat done wronged my woman.

Welcome to Long Island, Tex.

Wil Wheaton!... Wil Wheaton!...

Wait, how many was that?

Hey, Sheldon, what’s up?

Wouldn’t you like to know?

Have you been drinking?

Just tea.

S’the best tea I’ve ever had.

Why are you here?

I’ll tell you. I’m from Texas.

Need I say more?

Yeah, actually, a little more would be helpful.

You insulted my woman. I’m here to defend her honour.

Two! It was two!

Wil Wheaton!

Now prepare yourself for what may come.

Oh, Sheldon, do you really think we’re gonna fight?

My fists are not up here because I’m milking a giant invisible cow.

They’re up to beat an apology out of you.

Okay, I’m sorry.

Well, that was a long bus ride for not very much.

I’ve come up with a series of exercises to help with your compulsive need for closure.

I take issue with the word compulsive.

All I’m saying is, we live in a world where closure isn’t always an op…

…tion. Okay. For the sake of argument, let’s say I have a problem. What would be your plan for addressing it?

I’m going to recondition your brain so that the need for completion isn’t so overwhelming.

By playing tic-tac-toe?

Yep. Your turn.

Oh, Amy.

And you wonder why people think neuroscience is nothing but a goofy game for diaper babies.

Tic-tac-toe can only end in win, lose or draw, none of which will deny me closure.

Oh, especially since I’m about to win.

But we didn’t finish.

Exactly. How does that make you feel?

The same way any normal person would.

I feel like I want to peel off my own face and tear it in two and then again and again

until I have a handful of Sheldon-face confetti.

And that’s exactly the feeling we want to address with this course of treatment.

Or you could pitch in, grab a nostril and help me get this face off.

O’er the land of the free, and the home of the…

Next.

That’s quite an impressive layout, isn’t it?

Yes.

Let’s box it up.

Let’s box it up.

That’s enough.

Sheldon, Sheldon, give it!

Okay, Sheldon, make a wish and blow out the candles.

Oops, missed one. Now your wish can’t come true.

Lucky for you, ’cause I wished you were dead.

I must say, I was sceptical at first, but this has truly been a transformative evening.

I’m a little surprised to hear you feeling so positive.

Well, you’re an excellent neuroscientist, you’re a wonderful girlfriend, and…

And...

Doesn’t matter, does it?

I’m proud of you, Sheldon.

And a complete sucker.

Oh, yeah.

There he is.

And the home of the brave.

Don’t stop.

Yes, keep going. Just like that.

Almost there, almost there. Uh-huh-huh!

Sheldon, you big weirdo, I want you to know that I love that you’re in my life.

I love you, too.

Don’t let this be Sheldon playing bongos.

Please don’t let this be Sheldon playing bongos.

Hello, Leonard, do you like my bongos?

Bet you didn’t know that I had bongos.

Sheldon, it’s three o’clock in the morning.

Three in the morning is a good time for bongos.

I was sleeping.

Leonard sleeps while I play bongos.

No, he doesn’t.

Leonard no sleep while I play bongos.

Bongo solo!

Stop! Stop it! Stop! Stop! Stop it!

What the hell?!

Oh, hi, Penny, guess what? Sheldon got bongos!

Why did you get bongos?

Richard Feynman played the bongos. I thought I’d give that a try.

Richard Feynman was a famous physicist.

Leonard, it’s three o’clock in the morning.

I don’t care if Richard Feynman was a purple leprechaun who lived in my butt.

Penny meant if he were a purple leprechaun. Penny forgot to use the subjunctive.

Sheldon, go to bed. You have work in the morning.

Maybe, maybe not. Maybe tomorrow I start a bongo band and tour the world.

W-w-wuh, no, no, hang on,uh, uh, roommate agreement.

No hootenannies, sing-a-longs, or barbershop quartets after ten p.m.

Roommate agreement? Are you kidding? We are living in a world of chaos.

Roommate agreement.

Where are you going?

Wherever the music takes me, kitten.

I play bongos walking down the stairs. Oh!

Never play bongos walking down the stairs.

Oh, a napkin.

Turn it over.

To Sheldon, live long and prosper. Leonard Nimoy.

Yeah, he came into the restaurant. Sorry the napkin’s dirty. He wiped his mouth with it.

I possess the DNA of Leonard Nimoy?!

Well...

Yeah, yeah, I guess. But look, he signed it!

Do you realize what this means?!

All I need is a healthy ovum and I can grow my own Leonard Nimoy!

Okay, all I’m giving you is the napkin, Sheldon.

Be right back.

Sheldon! What did you do?!

I know.

It’s not enough, is it?

Here.

Leonard, look! Sheldon’s hugging me.

It’s a Saturnalia miracle.

Okay, see, it’s moving, this is easy, all in the math.

What’s your formula for the corner?

Oh, okay, uh, okay, yeah, no problem, just come up here and help me pull and turn.

Ah, gravity, thou art a heartless bitch.

Almost there, almost there, almost there...

No we’re not, no we’re not, no we’re not.

Watch your fingers. Watch your fingers.

Oh God, my fingers!

You okay?

No, it hurt…

Great Caesar’s Ghost, look at this place.

So Penny’s a little messy.

A little messy? The Mandelbrot set of complex numbers is a little messy, this is chaos.

Sheldon!

Sssshhhh! Penny’s sleeping.

Are you insane? You can’t just break into a woman’s apartment in the middle of the night and clean.

I had no choice. I couldn’t sleep knowing that just outside my bedroom was our living room,

and just outside our living room was that hallway, and immediately adjacent to that hallway was…

this.

Do you realise that if Penny wakes up, there is no reasonable explanation as to why we’re here?

I just gave you a reasonable explanation.

No, no. You gave me an explanation.

It’s reasonableness will be determined by a jury of your peers.

Don’t be ridiculous. I have no peers.

Sheldon, we have to get out of here.

You might want to speak in a lower register.

What?

Evolution has made women sensitive to high pitched noises while they sleep,

so that they’ll be roused by a crying baby.

If you want to avoid waking her, speak in a lower register.

That’s ridiculous.

No, that’s ridiculous.

Fine.

I accept your premise, now please let’s go.

I am not leaving until I’m done.

If you have time to lean, you have time to clean.

Oh, what the hell.

Hello, fastest man alive. Want to see me read your entire comic book? Want to see it again?

Something’s wrong.

What do you mean?

I'm not sure.

It doesn’t feel right.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, that. Penny did that.

I’ve heard that if you flip a coin, it will tell you how you actually feel.

Because you’ll either be disappointed or excited by the outcome.

Interesting.

So, heads it’s PS4, tails it’s Xbox One.

All right, I’ll try.

What is it?

A quarter.

Could have given it back to me. That was a choice.

On the one hand, the Xbox One has a better camera, but the PS4 has a removable hard drive. Thoughts?

I can’t feel my legs.

Oh, I’m sorry, guys, but the store closed five minutes ago.

But I haven’t decided yet.

You’ll have to come back tomorrow. The registers are closed.

Let’s get you some food. You’ll feel better after you eat.

Okay.

What do you want, like, Thai food? A burger?

I don’t know!

Hey, look, a quarter!

Hang on, I think the emergency key is around here somewhere.

We have a bowl. Our keys go in a bowl. You should get a bowl.

So, how did the beautiful mind of Sheldon Cooper forget his key in the first place?

I left them in the bowl.

Oh-oh. I just remembered where the emergency key is.

Where?

In your apartment.

What’s it doing in my apartment?

Well, I went in there a few weeks ago when you guys weren’t home, and I forgot it there.

You were in my… why would you… what are you saying?

It’s not a big deal, I was making coffee and I ran out of milk.

You’re the milk thief! Leonard said I was crazy but I knew that carton felt lighter.

Alright, Sheldon, let’s just calm down and we’ll call the building manager,

he’ll come open your door, you just eat your dinner here while you’re waiting.

Eat? My dinner? In your apartment?

Yeah, why not?

Sure! Why not?

And after the sun’s down we can all pile in my pick-up and go skinny-dipping down at the creek.

‘Cause today’s the day to stop making sense.

I'm coming!

Hey, there he is, there’s my old buddy-bud-bud.

What’s with him?

Koothrappali dumped him on me, and he couldn’t get to sleep,

so I gave him a glass of warm milk with a handful of my mom’s valium in it.

But he still wouldn’t shut up, so, tag, you’re it.

I’m back!

I still don’t know why you left.

I can’t tell you.

Why not?