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  • For the record I should let you know this is my

  • first time driving an actual motor vehicle.

  • You have your learner’s permit, right?

  • Yes, and I've logged a considerable number of hours on a simulator.

  • Good.

  • Didn’t work out well.

  • All right, can we please go?

  • One moment. According to my driver’s ed book,

  • a side mirror is properly adjusted when a portion of the driver’s door handle

  • is visible in the lower right corner. There’s the handle. Back, too far!

  • Bringing it back. Optimized.

  • Now, where is the switch to adjust the passenger side mirror?

  • It’s right there.

  • Where's the passenger side mirror?

  • In a parking lot in Hollywood. Now, can we please go?

  • Yes. As soon as I adjust my seat.

  • Whee!

  • Oh, dear. I’m going to have to start again.

  • Could you please drive a little faster?

  • Oh, I think were going sufficiently fast.

  • What’s that?

  • Nothing. The engine does that sometimes.

  • That can’t be nothing, the check engine light is on. We need to find a service station.

  • No. The light has been on since I bought the car.

  • All the more reason to consult with a mechanic before it explodes.

  • It’s not going to explode, just keep driving. Warp speed ahead, Mr. Spock.

  • Mr. Spock did not pilot the Enterprise. He was the science officer,

  • and I guarantee you that if he ever saw the Enterprise’s check engine light blinking,

  • he would pull the ship over immediately.

  • Oh, god, I’m gonna lose the arm.

  • Red light! Release accelerator

  • and slowly apply the brake.

  • Nailed it.

  • So what are you drinking?

  • It’s been a rough day. I usually go chamomile tea, but I don’t think that’s going to cut it.

  • You could have a Long Island Iced Tea.

  • Will that calm my nerves?

  • It’s calmed the pants off me a couple of times.

  • Sold.

  • Cheers, pal.

  • Ooh. Well, that is a treat that’s hard to beat.

  • Get the Mad Hatter on the horn, I’m having a tea party.

  • You might want to pace yourself.

  • I drink tea all the time. I think I know what I’m doing.

  • Far be it from me to criticize a man with a full pubis.

  • Look, Sheldon, your problem is not Wil Wheaton, okay? Your problem is the way you treated Amy.

  • My problem is I’m out of tea.

  • Come on, someone insulted your girlfriend and you just let him do it.

  • I thought you Texas guys stood up for your womenfolk.

  • Penny, please, I've evolved beyond my simple rustic upbringing.

  • Sorry.

  • On the other hand, that low-down polecat done wronged my woman.

  • Welcome to Long Island, Tex.

  • Wil Wheaton!... Wil Wheaton!...

  • Wait, how many was that?

  • Hey, Sheldon, what’s up?

  • Wouldn’t you like to know?

  • Have you been drinking?

  • Just tea.

  • S’the best tea I’ve ever had.

  • Why are you here?

  • I’ll tell you. I’m from Texas.

  • Need I say more?

  • Yeah, actually, a little more would be helpful.

  • You insulted my woman. I’m here to defend her honour.

  • Two! It was two!

  • Wil Wheaton!

  • Now prepare yourself for what may come.

  • Oh, Sheldon, do you really think were gonna fight?

  • My fists are not up here because I’m milking a giant invisible cow.

  • Theyre up to beat an apology out of you.

  • Okay, I’m sorry.

  • Well, that was a long bus ride for not very much.

  • I’ve come up with a series of exercises to help with your compulsive need for closure.

  • I take issue with the word compulsive.

  • All I’m saying is, we live in a world where closure isn’t always an op

  • tion. Okay. For the sake of argument, let’s say I have a problem. What would be your plan for addressing it?

  • I’m going to recondition your brain so that the need for completion isn’t so overwhelming.

  • By playing tic-tac-toe?

  • Yep. Your turn.

  • Oh, Amy.

  • And you wonder why people think neuroscience is nothing but a goofy game for diaper babies.

  • Tic-tac-toe can only end in win, lose or draw, none of which will deny me closure.

  • Oh, especially since I’m about to win.

  • But we didn’t finish.

  • Exactly. How does that make you feel?

  • The same way any normal person would.

  • I feel like I want to peel off my own face and tear it in two and then again and again

  • until I have a handful of Sheldon-face confetti.

  • And that’s exactly the feeling we want to address with this course of treatment.

  • Or you could pitch in, grab a nostril and help me get this face off.

  • O’er the land of the free, and the home of the

  • Next.

  • That’s quite an impressive layout, isn’t it?

  • Yes.

  • Let’s box it up.

  • Let’s box it up.

  • That’s enough.

  • Sheldon, Sheldon, give it!

  • Okay, Sheldon, make a wish and blow out the candles.

  • Oops, missed one. Now your wish can’t come true.

  • Lucky for you, ’cause I wished you were dead.

  • I must say, I was sceptical at first, but this has truly been a transformative evening.

  • I’m a little surprised to hear you feeling so positive.

  • Well, youre an excellent neuroscientist, youre a wonderful girlfriend, and

  • And...

  • Doesn’t matter, does it?

  • I’m proud of you, Sheldon.

  • And a complete sucker.

  • Oh, yeah.

  • There he is.

  • And the home of the brave.

  • Don’t stop.

  • Yes, keep going. Just like that.

  • Almost there, almost there. Uh-huh-huh!

  • Sheldon, you big weirdo, I want you to know that I love that youre in my life.

  • I love you, too.

  • Don’t let this be Sheldon playing bongos.

  • Please don’t let this be Sheldon playing bongos.

  • Hello, Leonard, do you like my bongos?

  • Bet you didn’t know that I had bongos.

  • Sheldon, it’s three o’clock in the morning.

  • Three in the morning is a good time for bongos.

  • I was sleeping.

  • Leonard sleeps while I play bongos.

  • No, he doesn’t.

  • Leonard no sleep while I play bongos.

  • Bongo solo!

  • Stop! Stop it! Stop! Stop! Stop it!

  • What the hell?!

  • Oh, hi, Penny, guess what? Sheldon got bongos!

  • Why did you get bongos?

  • Richard Feynman played the bongos. I thought I’d give that a try.

  • Richard Feynman was a famous physicist.

  • Leonard, it’s three o’clock in the morning.

  • I don’t care if Richard Feynman was a purple leprechaun who lived in my butt.

  • Penny meant if he were a purple leprechaun. Penny forgot to use the subjunctive.

  • Sheldon, go to bed. You have work in the morning.

  • Maybe, maybe not. Maybe tomorrow I start a bongo band and tour the world.

  • W-w-wuh, no, no, hang on,uh, uh, roommate agreement.

  • No hootenannies, sing-a-longs, or barbershop quartets after ten p.m.

  • Roommate agreement? Are you kidding? We are living in a world of chaos.

  • Roommate agreement.

  • Where are you going?

  • Wherever the music takes me, kitten.

  • I play bongos walking down the stairs. Oh!

  • Never play bongos walking down the stairs.

  • Oh, a napkin.

  • Turn it over.

  • To Sheldon, live long and prosper. Leonard Nimoy.

  • Yeah, he came into the restaurant. Sorry the napkin’s dirty. He wiped his mouth with it.

  • I possess the DNA of Leonard Nimoy?!

  • Well...

  • Yeah, yeah, I guess. But look, he signed it!

  • Do you realize what this means?!

  • All I need is a healthy ovum and I can grow my own Leonard Nimoy!

  • Okay, all I’m giving you is the napkin, Sheldon.

  • Be right back.

  • Sheldon! What did you do?!

  • I know.

  • It’s not enough, is it?

  • Here.

  • Leonard, look! Sheldon’s hugging me.

  • It’s a Saturnalia miracle.

  • Okay, see, it’s moving, this is easy, all in the math.

  • What’s your formula for the corner?

  • Oh, okay, uh, okay, yeah, no problem, just come up here and help me pull and turn.

  • Ah, gravity, thou art a heartless bitch.

  • Almost there, almost there, almost there...

  • No were not, no were not, no were not.

  • Watch your fingers. Watch your fingers.

  • Oh God, my fingers!

  • You okay?

  • No, it hurt

  • Great Caesar’s Ghost, look at this place.

  • So Penny’s a little messy.

  • A little messy? The Mandelbrot set of complex numbers is a little messy, this is chaos.

  • Sheldon!

  • Sssshhhh! Penny’s sleeping.

  • Are you insane? You can’t just break into a woman’s apartment in the middle of the night and clean.

  • I had no choice. I couldn’t sleep knowing that just outside my bedroom was our living room,

  • and just outside our living room was that hallway, and immediately adjacent to that hallway was

  • this.

  • Do you realise that if Penny wakes up, there is no reasonable explanation as to why were here?

  • I just gave you a reasonable explanation.

  • No, no. You gave me an explanation.

  • It’s reasonableness will be determined by a jury of your peers.

  • Don’t be ridiculous. I have no peers.

  • Sheldon, we have to get out of here.

  • You might want to speak in a lower register.

  • What?

  • Evolution has made women sensitive to high pitched noises while they sleep,

  • so that theyll be roused by a crying baby.

  • If you want to avoid waking her, speak in a lower register.

  • That’s ridiculous.

  • No, that’s ridiculous.

  • Fine.

  • I accept your premise, now please let’s go.

  • I am not leaving until I’m done.

  • If you have time to lean, you have time to clean.

  • Oh, what the hell.

  • Hello, fastest man alive. Want to see me read your entire comic book? Want to see it again?

  • Something’s wrong.

  • What do you mean?

  • I'm not sure.

  • It doesn’t feel right.

  • I don't know what you're talking about.

  • Oh, that. Penny did that.

  • I’ve heard that if you flip a coin, it will tell you how you actually feel.

  • Because youll either be disappointed or excited by the outcome.

  • Interesting.

  • So, heads it’s PS4, tails it’s Xbox One.

  • All right, I’ll try.

  • What is it?

  • A quarter.

  • Could have given it back to me. That was a choice.

  • On the one hand, the Xbox One has a better camera, but the PS4 has a removable hard drive. Thoughts?

  • I can’t feel my legs.

  • Oh, I’m sorry, guys, but the store closed five minutes ago.

  • But I haven’t decided yet.

  • Youll have to come back tomorrow. The registers are closed.

  • Let’s get you some food. Youll feel better after you eat.

  • Okay.

  • What do you want, like, Thai food? A burger?

  • I don’t know!

  • Hey, look, a quarter!

  • Hang on, I think the emergency key is around here somewhere.

  • We have a bowl. Our keys go in a bowl. You should get a bowl.

  • So, how did the beautiful mind of Sheldon Cooper forget his key in the first place?

  • I left them in the bowl.

  • Oh-oh. I just remembered where the emergency key is.

  • Where?

  • In your apartment.

  • What’s it doing in my apartment?

  • Well, I went in there a few weeks ago when you guys weren’t home, and I forgot it there.

  • You were in mywhy would youwhat are you saying?

  • It’s not a big deal, I was making coffee and I ran out of milk.

  • Youre the milk thief! Leonard said I was crazy but I knew that carton felt lighter.

  • Alright, Sheldon, let’s just calm down and well call the building manager,

  • hell come open your door, you just eat your dinner here while youre waiting.

  • Eat? My dinner? In your apartment?

  • Yeah, why not?

  • Sure! Why not?

  • And after the sun’s down we can all pile in my pick-up and go skinny-dipping down at the creek.

  • Cause today’s the day to stop making sense.

  • I'm coming!

  • Hey, there he is, there’s my old buddy-bud-bud.

  • What’s with him?

  • Koothrappali dumped him on me, and he couldn’t get to sleep,

  • so I gave him a glass of warm milk with a handful of my mom’s valium in it.

  • But he still wouldn’t shut up, so, tag, youre it.

  • I’m back!

  • I still don’t know why you left.

  • I can’t tell you.

  • Why not?