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  • - Who drove here today? Anybody driving here today?

  • [cheers] Yeah.

  • [cheers]

  • So did I, and I--you know.

  • See, I'm driving to work today, and I--

  • Here, I want to show you what I saw.

  • It was really exciting. I'm driving.

  • You can imagine my excitement when the car in front of me

  • had this bumper sticker on it.

  • Look at that!

  • [laughter and applause]

  • [cheers and applause]

  • It's a little blurry 'cause I was driving really, really fast,

  • so, uh-- [laughter]

  • No, I didn't take a picture when I was driving.

  • That'd be dangerous.

  • I was stopped. But then I thought,

  • "Wow, there's someone with my last name and Oprah's last name

  • running for Vice President and President of the United States."

  • It's exciting.

  • And then, ah, no.

  • It was really somebody's wishful thinking,

  • and so, I'm flattered that someone thought of that,

  • and then I was like, "How dare you?"

  • Really, I can't be President How come she's President?

  • and I'm Vice President?

  • [laughter]

  • I could be President. I was the president

  • of the Squirrels and Bird Association of Metarie, LA

  • when I was seven years old.

  • [cheers and applause]

  • In my backyard.

  • [cheers and applause]

  • I was overthrown by a squirrel named Lars,

  • but that's not the point.

  • I'm flattered that people would tr--

  • I mean, what a wonderful thing

  • that somebody would trust me to run the country,

  • but if I want real power in changing people's lives,

  • I think I should stay right here.

  • I think that's the best thing to do.

  • [cheers and applause]

  • Spread love...

  • and joy...

  • but I have to admit, when I saw that bumper sticker,

  • I couldn't help but think

  • what a day as President would be like.

  • I would imagine it would be something like this.

  • [harp music]

  • ["Hail To The Chief" plays]

  • Yes.

  • [cheers and applause]

  • Yes, President DeGeneres here, yes.

  • No! Yes, very urgent.

  • Absolutely not. No onions, no.

  • And dressing on the side.

  • Thank you very much.

  • All right, let's see, laws!

  • The laws under my presidency.

  • Uh...uh...

  • The official animal of America will be the baby goat.

  • [laughter]

  • And, ah, let's see.

  • As of today, your horn--

  • That's right, if you honk your horn the second after

  • the light turns green, you lose your privilege to drive.

  • [cheers and applause]

  • Right.

  • From henceforth on, it shall be illegal to enter a Starbucks

  • unless you already know your order, that's right.

  • [cheers and applause]

  • Furthermore, if I watch "The Bachelor Tells All"

  • and The Bachelor does not tell all in fact,

  • he will be arrested, 'cause ain't nobody got time for that.

  • [cheers and applause]

  • Yes...

  • And finally... it's now against the law

  • to sing "Let It Go" in public.

  • If a person is caught doing so,

  • their bank accounts will be frozen.

  • Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

  • [cheers and applause] Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

  • Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

  • Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

  • Fair and funny. Okay...

  • I'm good at this job.

  • [beep]

  • Uh, Craig? Could you send in Andy

  • for his 1:00 briefing?

  • (over speaker) - Right away, ma'am.

  • [laughter] - Andy...

  • [laughter]

  • You have been briefed. Thank you.

  • - Thank you, Madame President.

  • [cheers and applause]

  • [beep] - Craig, can you send in

  • the other Andy for his 1:01 p.m. briefing?

  • (over speaker) - Right away, ma'am.

  • - Hi. - Hi.

  • - You called-- [laughs]

  • - Really smooth. I just received a letter,

  • and uh, this is from my secretary,

  • and I would like you to read it out loud for me,

  • because I have not read it yet

  • and I'd like you to read it to me, please.

  • - Okay. - Out loud, and please project.

  • - "A hoarder named Porter

  • "ordered 44 Ecuadorian quarters,

  • "to Fort-- A hoarder named Porter

  • "ordered 44 Ecuadorian quarters

  • to Fort Lauderdale, Florida." - Thank you.

  • "And here is the information you've requested

  • (laughing) on our nation's penal code."

  • [laughter]

  • "The penal code is a--" [laughs]

  • - How old are you?

  • [laughter]

  • - "The pe--" [laughs]

  • "The penal code is a set of penal laws

  • and which, if broken, will result in moderate to severe

  • penalization."

  • - Thank you. [laughter]

  • Thank you. Please leave me.

  • - I'm gonna go. - Thank you, all right.

  • Thank you. All right, let's see.

  • [cheers and applause]

  • Ah!

  • I have made new laws, check!

  • I have briefed Andys, check.

  • Ah, "set presidential TV to record 'Scandal.'"

  • That is correct. That's what I need to do.

  • Where is my-- Here's my remote.

  • All right.

  • Uh oh.

  • Seems to be broken.

  • Craig, my TV is broken again.

  • Please send someone in to fix it.

  • I need a fixer.

  • [knocking on door]

  • Yes, please come in.

  • [cheers and applause]

  • - Madame President.

  • I hear you're having problems with your television.

  • - Yes, yes, I need you to fix it.

  • Can you fix it? - Well, since I'm here,

  • I'll fix it.

  • [ding] Where's your TV?

  • - It's over there, you see it? - Yeah.

  • Okay, fixed. [ding]

  • - Okay. - I also set it for the Oscars,

  • 'cause I'm presenting again this Sunday.

  • - Oh, well, congratulations on that.

  • [cheers and applause]

  • Thank you so much.

  • - So, Madame President... - Yes?

  • - I feel that the best thing--

  • unless you need something else from me--

  • - No. - I think the best thing

  • for this country, truly, would be if you would...dance.

  • - Oh! Well, then, I shall do so.

- Who drove here today? Anybody driving here today?

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B1 US TheEllenShow president applause laughter madame driving

Ellen for President

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    rachel6433 posted on 2015/04/09
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