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  • Once upon a time, Johnny Depp was the most intriguing actor in Hollywood

  • Now, one hit franchise will usher in the end of his creative choices, turning him into

  • a boring parody of himself...

  • But who cares? Now he owns a f**king island.

  • Pirates of the Caribbean.

  • Witness the Disneyfication of pirates, history’s most notorious foul-mouthed rapists and murderers

  • where the cursing is PG,

  • "Pestilent, traitorous, cow-hearted, yeasty codpiece."

  • "Ruthless, soulless, cross-grained cur."

  • 'rape' becomes 'raid,'

  • "Raid, pillage, plunder and otherwise pilfer my weasely black guts out."

  • and murder is physically impossible.

  • "You're not dead!"

  • "No!"

  • Buckle your swashes for Curse of the Black Pearl, a straightforward adventure romp that

  • everyone loved

  • then Dead Man’s Chest, that everyone was sort of on-board for, where they all betray

  • each other to find a teleporting squid monster’s heart

  • At World’s End that everyone was totally fed up with, where they all betray each other

  • while the squid monster teams up with the British East India company

  • causing the pirate U.N. to release a sea goddess who’s in love with the squid monster, except

  • for when she isn’t,

  • and On Stranger Tides, that finally --

  • wait, what? They made a 4th one?

  • Ugh.

  • How many of these things can they do? They're based on a f**king theme park ride for god's

  • sake!

  • Johnny Depp shines as Jack Sparrow

  • "Captain Jack Sparrow, if you please."

  • the legendary pirate made out of dreadlocks and guyliner.

  • Watch this Oscar-worthy match between actor and role as he hams it up with a trademark

  • barrage of

  • catchphrases,

  • "I'm Captain Jack Sparrow, savvy?"

  • "Savvy."

  • "Savvy."

  • "Savvy."

  • "Savvy."

  • "Savvy."

  • "Savvy."

  • "Savvy."

  • "Savvy."

  • "Savvy."

  • "Savvy."

  • impractical escapes,

  • and silly walks

  • in this half-drunk Keith Richards impression that really should be dead by now

  • kind of like Keith Richards.

  • "Does this face look like it's been to the fountain of youth?"

  • Spend the rest of your time in the pale embrace of the boring lovers Orlando Bloom and Keira

  • Knightley,

  • two perfect faces in the middle of a scurvy ridden hellhole

  • whose will-they-won’t-they relationship will have everyone

  • saying:

  • Where did Jack Sparrow go?"

  • until they're replaced in the 4th one by their cheaper, but just as pale, equivalents.

  • Baton down the hatches for nearly 10 overstuffed maritime hours of

  • impossible sword fights,

  • stupid wigs,

  • terrible teeth,

  • alcoholism,

  • "Why is the rum gone?!"

  • "Why is the rum always gone?"

  • "Rum's gone too..."

  • "Hide the rum."

  • that song from the ride,

  • "Drink up, me hearties."

  • "Yo ho."

  • "Yo ho."

  • "Yo ho, a pirate's life for me."

  • "I love this song!"

  • and women dressed in cinema's least-convincing boy disguises.

  • Mustache or not, I would totally pork that dude.

  • Starring...

  • Captain Jack Spare Us From Any More of These Movies,

  • Keira Daily,

  • Barnacle Bill,

  • Why Not Zoidberg?,

  • Finnicky,

  • Deadwoodmen Tell No Tales,

  • Captain Morgan,

  • Miss Cleo,

  • A Japanese Pornstar,

  • and Orlando Florida.

  • Jack Sparrow of the Caribbean (And Some Other Pirates).

  • You used to be cool, man!

  • What the hell happened to you?

  • "Close your eyes and pretend it's all a bad dream. That's how I get by."

Once upon a time, Johnny Depp was the most intriguing actor in Hollywood

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Honest Trailers - Pirates of the Caribbean

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    王 宏鈞 posted on 2015/03/08
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