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Okay.
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Based on the book that inspired a million crying girls' Tumblr posts...
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Comes the romance that did for cancer what Twilight did for vampires.
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The Fault In Our Stars
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Ride along for a touching story about how one girl's cancer led to fun,
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sex,
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and extravagant European vacations.
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But instead of sugarcoating the truth, get ready for two well-rounded characters with
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a powerful message:
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Everyone you love will die.
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Meet Hazel, and her sidekick:
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luggage.
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She's a smart young girl who's more than just a cancer survivor:
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she's also a total downer.
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"Depression's not a side-effect of cancer; it's a side-effect of dying."
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"Hey, I just wanted to say that you know there's gonna come a time when all of us are dead."
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"You just die in the middle of life."
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"Dying sucks."
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Hazel's world will transform when she attends the most adorable
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cancer support group ever.
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There, she'll meet fellow survivor Augustus Waters,
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a confident, 6 foot 4, well-spoken, adorkable, polite, funny, star-athlete, philosopher-poet
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with a six pack.
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"Probably why I'm still a virgin."
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Uh huh, sure you are.
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Together, they'll bond over a book with a title just as pretentious as "The Fault
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In Our Stars."
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"An Imperial Affliction."
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And their shared habit of talking like really weird old people.
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"Your daughter, she's done a great injustice."
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"You have no idea how utterly unprecedented you are."
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"I am in the midst of a grand soliloquy here!"
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"Welcome to the sweet torture of reading An Imperial Affliction."
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"Drink gimlets, and take pot."
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"Uh, you don't take pot."
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Follow Gus' heroic struggle to get into a dying girls pants,
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a struggle so difficult he has to read her favorite book.
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"Pain demands to be felt."
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"You're quoting my book!"
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Score her a meeting with its reclusive author,
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and exploit a cancer charity to send them on a dream vacation, just to get out of the
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friend-zone.
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"Friends."
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"Friends."
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You earned it, pal.
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Say "OK" to a PG-13 film that glorifies underage drinking,
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"I'm tasting the stars."
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life threatening sex,
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"I can't breathe."
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And making out in the room where Anne Frank was abducted, with no consideration for the
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people who came there to honor the Holocaust.
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Uhhh, not sure that warrants a slowclap but...
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OK?
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So cuddle up for a beautiful finale where our star-crossed lovers have a moment of true
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happiness together...
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before everything goes to hell.
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"What is it?"
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Featuring...
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Tough to watch medical emergencies,
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heartbreaking hospital visits,
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a close friend going blind,
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a close friend getting dumped for just for going blind! The bitch!,
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Willem Dafoe being a dream-crushing dick,
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"I want you to leave."
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Teenagers with cancer attending their own practice funeral,
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real funerals,
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and FOUR different eulogies?!
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"You gave me forever within a number of days, and for that I am eternally grateful!"
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Enough!
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It's too sad!
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Just go to starring!
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Go!
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Starring...
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Oh That's Ansel, He's So Hot Right Now
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Sick McLovin
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Jurassic Mom
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That Guy Who Showed His Butt A Lot on True Blood
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Douchepants
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and Tewwwbs.
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Cancer F*cking Sucks
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"You put the thing that does the killing right between your teeth but you never give it the
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power to kill you."
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He totally stole that from Gettin' Jiggy Wit' It.
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"Ciga-cigar right from Cuba-Cuba. I just bite it, it's for the look, I don't light it."