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  • Okay.

  • Based on the book that inspired a million crying girls' Tumblr posts...

  • Comes the romance that did for cancer what Twilight did for vampires.

  • The Fault In Our Stars

  • Ride along for a touching story about how one girl's cancer led to fun,

  • sex,

  • and extravagant European vacations.

  • But instead of sugarcoating the truth, get ready for two well-rounded characters with

  • a powerful message:

  • Everyone you love will die.

  • Meet Hazel, and her sidekick:

  • luggage.

  • She's a smart young girl who's more than just a cancer survivor:

  • she's also a total downer.

  • "Depression's not a side-effect of cancer; it's a side-effect of dying."

  • "Hey, I just wanted to say that you know there's gonna come a time when all of us are dead."

  • "You just die in the middle of life."

  • "Dying sucks."

  • Hazel's world will transform when she attends the most adorable

  • cancer support group ever.

  • There, she'll meet fellow survivor Augustus Waters,

  • a confident, 6 foot 4, well-spoken, adorkable, polite, funny, star-athlete, philosopher-poet

  • with a six pack.

  • "Probably why I'm still a virgin."

  • Uh huh, sure you are.

  • Together, they'll bond over a book with a title just as pretentious as "The Fault

  • In Our Stars."

  • "An Imperial Affliction."

  • And their shared habit of talking like really weird old people.

  • "Your daughter, she's done a great injustice."

  • "You have no idea how utterly unprecedented you are."

  • "I am in the midst of a grand soliloquy here!"

  • "Welcome to the sweet torture of reading An Imperial Affliction."

  • "Drink gimlets, and take pot."

  • "Uh, you don't take pot."

  • Follow Gus' heroic struggle to get into a dying girls pants,

  • a struggle so difficult he has to read her favorite book.

  • "Pain demands to be felt."

  • "You're quoting my book!"

  • Score her a meeting with its reclusive author,

  • and exploit a cancer charity to send them on a dream vacation, just to get out of the

  • friend-zone.

  • "Friends."

  • "Friends."

  • You earned it, pal.

  • Say "OK" to a PG-13 film that glorifies underage drinking,

  • "I'm tasting the stars."

  • life threatening sex,

  • "I can't breathe."

  • And making out in the room where Anne Frank was abducted, with no consideration for the

  • people who came there to honor the Holocaust.

  • Uhhh, not sure that warrants a slowclap but...

  • OK?

  • So cuddle up for a beautiful finale where our star-crossed lovers have a moment of true

  • happiness together...

  • before everything goes to hell.

  • "What is it?"

  • Featuring...

  • Tough to watch medical emergencies,

  • heartbreaking hospital visits,

  • a close friend going blind,

  • a close friend getting dumped for just for going blind! The bitch!,

  • Willem Dafoe being a dream-crushing dick,

  • "I want you to leave."

  • Teenagers with cancer attending their own practice funeral,

  • real funerals,

  • and FOUR different eulogies?!

  • "You gave me forever within a number of days, and for that I am eternally grateful!"

  • Enough!

  • It's too sad!

  • Just go to starring!

  • Go!

  • Starring...

  • Oh That's Ansel, He's So Hot Right Now

  • Sick McLovin

  • Jurassic Mom

  • That Guy Who Showed His Butt A Lot on True Blood

  • Douchepants

  • and Tewwwbs.

  • Cancer F*cking Sucks

  • "You put the thing that does the killing right between your teeth but you never give it the

  • power to kill you."

  • He totally stole that from Gettin' Jiggy Wit' It.

  • "Ciga-cigar right from Cuba-Cuba. I just bite it, it's for the look, I don't light it."

Okay.

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