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  • I'm happy to see that you're here,

  • and if you want to see more of me,

  • I'm on two shows today.

  • I'm doing my show now,

  • and then later tonight I'm gonna be on Jimmy Fallon,

  • on "The Tonight Show," so...

  • [cheers and applause]

  • It'll be fun.

  • 'Cause Jimmy was on my show last week,

  • so I'm doing his show this week,

  • which is how the industry works in this town.

  • You know, you give and then take,

  • and then I--you scratch my back, and I scratch yours,

  • and you tie me up and I tickle you with a feather.

  • [laughter]

  • I'm thinking of "50 Shades of Grey," I'm sorry.

  • I just...took a turn.

  • Jimmy wanted to have me on his show,

  • and I lied. I had, "Oh, I have plenty

  • to talk about, Jimmy. That's great."

  • It's not true. I have nothing to talk about

  • 'cause I come out here, I talk to you every day,

  • and I tell you everything.

  • This is--this is my platform.

  • I tell you about my life.

  • I tell you what I did the night before,

  • and then I go home and I do things,

  • and then I come in the next day and I tell you what I done did.

  • And...then all my stories are saved for you.

  • So...when I have another show,

  • it's hard, you know,

  • to make stuff up.

  • You know? So...

  • To come up with-- so, you know what?

  • I wanted to have stories to tell Jimmy, so over the weekend,

  • I picked up some hobbies.

  • And...

  • I'm sorry, did I say "hobbies?"

  • Hobos. I picked up some hobos.

  • That's what I meant to say. Hobos.

  • And I have a lot of stories, but I can't tell them on TV.

  • But...I did learn how to open a can of beans with my teeth.

  • So that is good.

  • They can be helpful in that way, the hobos.

  • It's nice if you can talk about something funny

  • that happened at the grocery store, too.

  • But I haven't been to a grocery store since 1998.

  • So...

  • Are you still not allowed to squeeze the Charmin?

  • I saw the commercials, so...

  • Most people go on a show and they promote a show

  • that they're on or a movie, and I don't need to do that

  • 'cause we're just doing fine the way we're going on the show.

  • So, I don't need to promote that, thank you very much.

  • [cheers and applause]

  • I...

  • So, I don't have anything to promote.

  • I don't have a clip or anything.

  • But then I thought, well, I could show, like, how much fun

  • we have on this show. I could show a clip,

  • for instance, of this lady before the show.

  • [dance music playing]

  • [cheers and applause]

  • [laughter]

  • [cheers and applause]

  • I love how timid you are right now and shy.

  • Everybody seems shy until you get out here,

  • and then it's on. It's like...

  • I didn't think it would actually show.

  • What's that?

  • I didn't think anyone would actually see it.

  • [laughter]

  • Oh, I'm watching backstage the whole time.

  • I don't even want to start the show sometimes,

  • I'm so entertained. I was watching tWitch out here

  • doing the Hustle with somebody. It was wonderful.

  • So here's what I think. I'm gonna--

  • I'll have things to talk about, but at least--

  • Jimmy has a great band. He has The Roots,

  • so one thing I know I'm gonna do on that show is dance,

  • for sure.

I'm happy to see that you're here,

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A2 US TheEllenShow jimmy tonight show promote applause grocery store

Ellen's Going on 'The Tonight Show'

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    Casandra Huang posted on 2015/02/07
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