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  • - WELL, I CAN'T LIE.

  • WE HAVE A LOT OF FUN ON THIS SHOW,

  • BUT I CANNOT REMEMBER MOST OF IT.

  • LUCKILY THIS SHOW IS TAPED,

  • SO HERE ARE A FEW OF MY FAVORITE MOMENTS.

  • ENJOY.

  • [bouncy electronic music]

  • [singing] - OOH, OOH

  • - I SAW, I CAME, I CONQUERED

  • - CONGRATULATIONS ON WINNING.

  • - YOU WERE ABSOLUTELY AMAZING.

  • I MEAN, THE BEST HOST TO EVER--

  • [cheers and applause]

  • AND I'M SO GLAD THAT, YOU KNOW,

  • THIS HAPPENED LAST NIGHT WITH YOU.

  • [singing] - I WAS BORN

  • IN THE FLAME

  • MAMA SAID THAT EVERYONE WOULD KNOW MY NAME

  • I'M THE BEST

  • YOU'VE EVER HAD

  • IF YOU THINK I'M BURNING OUT, I'M NEVER AM

  • - LET'S TALK ABOUT YOU. - OKAY.

  • [mouthing words]

  • HERE'S ELLEN. HERE'S THE WORLD.

  • [laughter and applause]

  • [bouncy electronic music]

  • - 'CAUSE THERE'S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BOYS AND GIRLS.

  • I BREASTFED NAHLA, AND I'M NURSING MY BABY.

  • WHEN I WOULD PUT NAHLA ON THE BOOB,

  • SHE WOULD GO--

  • WITH HIM, IT'S LIKE--

  • - WHO'S A BETTER KISSER?

  • - I DON'T--I DON'T ENJOY EITHER ONE.

  • I THINK THEY'RE BOTH LOVELY MEN.

  • - [laughs]

  • [singing] - FIREBALL

  • STICK AND STONES MAY BREAK MY BONES

  • - WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?

  • - I REALIZED I AM TERRIFIED OF PORCELAIN DOLLS.

  • - I'M JUST ASKING BECAUSE-- - OH, MAN.

  • OH! COME ON.

  • IS THAT NOT FREAKY TO ANYONE ELSE?

  • [cries]

  • - COME HERE.

  • I LOVE YOU.

  • - [cries]

  • - I LOVE YOU, CHANNING.

  • [singing] - AND THE BOYS GONNA LEARN

  • THAT THIS CHICO RIGHT HERE DON'T PLAY

  • THAT BOY'S FROM THE BOTTOM, BOTTOM OF THE MAP

  • M.I.A., USA

  • I GAVE SUSIE A LITTLE PAT UP ON THE BOOTY

  • AND SHE TURNED AROUND AND SAID WALK THIS WAY

  • - DO YOU LIKE CALIFORNIA? - NO.

  • [laughter]

  • - [laughs]

  • - THE HOTEL TVs-- THEY'RE TERRIBLE.

  • THEY DON'T HAVE ANY CARTOONS.

  • BIG FAIL.

  • [laughter and applause]

  • - THIS IS ELLEN DEGENERES,

  • AND I WANT TO PLAY A GAME WITH YOU RIGHT NOW.

  • IS THAT OKAY?

  • MEGGAN, DO YOU WANT TO PLAY A GAME?

  • - [shouting indistinctly]

  • [percussive music]

  • [cheers and applause]

  • - FLOWERS. - TREES.

  • - GRASS. - GROUND.

  • - BIRD. - FLOWERS.

  • [bleep]! OH!

  • [cheers and applause]

  • [minimalistic electronic music]

  • - [singing in foreign language]

  • - [singing in foreign language]

  • - I WAS LOOKING INTO THE CAMERA. - WHAT'D YOU DO NOW?

  • WHAT THE [bleep] DID SHE DO?

  • [speaking indistinctly]

  • AM I OKAY?

  • - [laughs]

  • - IT'S OKAY?

  • IT'S OKAY. LET'S DO IT.

  • - [laughs]

  • - OH, MY GOSH. LOOK AT HER BUTT.

  • OH, MY GOSH.

  • LOOK AT HER BUTT.

  • OH, MY GOSH. LOOK AT HER BUTT.

  • - I'M VERY HAPPY THAT YOU HAVE THIS SHOW.

  • YOU SEEM REALLY HAPPY ON THIS SHOW.

  • - THANKS, I AM HAPPY.

  • - AND THIS IS A-- A LOONY BIN, IS WHAT IT IS.

  • - YEAH.

  • [singing] - COME WITH ME NOW

  • I'M GONNA TAKE YOU DOWN

  • WHOA, COME WITH ME NOW

  • I'M GONNA SHOW YOU HOW

  • WHOA, COME WITH ME NOW

  • I'M GONNA TAKE YOU DOWN

  • [audience exclaims]

  • - WATCH WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU HIT THIS BUTTON.

  • [audience exclaims]

  • [laughter and applause]

  • READY? - READY?

  • - ARE YOU READY? - YES.

  • - OKAY. - I MIGHT CURSE AT YOU.

  • I'M NOT GONNA LIE. - THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

  • - OH, MY GOD!

  • OH, GOD.

  • OH!

  • YOU'RE DOING THAT OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

  • [stammering]

  • OH, MY GOD.

  • OH!

  • HOLY--

  • [cheers and applause]

  • - HOW MANY Es ARE IN THE WORDS

  • "ELLEN DEGENERES"?

  • - FIVE? FOUR.

  • SEVEN?

  • [laughter]

  • - WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING, LOLITA?

  • - I TEACH FIRST GRADE. - OH, NO.

  • [laughter]

  • [cheers and applause]

  • SAY GOOD-BYE.

  • [audience exclaims]

  • WHOO, BOY.

  • [groans]

  • [horn toots]

  • [laughter]

  • [horn toots]

  • [laughter]

  • [horn squeaks, toots]

  • [horn blares]

  • - [shouts]

  • - OH, MY GOD!

  • WHAT THE [bleep]?

  • [cheers and applause]

  • - [sighs]

  • I LOVE IT.

- WELL, I CAN'T LIE.

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