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  • [on the phone] No, no, what I’m saying is there was a card, but it is wrong.

  • There is no way that Betty decided to drop out and go home at 2 AM on a Friday night with none of her stuff.

  • And even if she did, there is no way in hell or Hogwarts she left me with thisofficialnotecard.

  • It is multiple choice!

  • [reading card] Dear student, your roommate no longer attends Silas University.

  • He or she (A) lost his or her scholarship and decided to go home

  • (B) has elected to attend another school due to your extreme incompatibility

  • (C) experienced a psychological event that left him or her unfit for student life

  • or (D) cited personal reasons, and really, why does anybody do anything?

  • Exit procedures have commenced; no action on your part is required. I mean --

  • Really? Not to mention that I found it next to a pile of ick that started growing mushrooms the next day.

  • So, what I’m gonna need from you, since nobody else seems to care that a girl is missing

  • is to talk to the dean of students, okay? [phone hangs up, dial tone]

  • Oh I swear, that is like the third time. [puts phone back on receiver]

  • Come on, Betty. Just text me back. Say that youve slept over with some subliterate gym shark or something.

  • Don’t judge. My dad thought I’d use an iPhone to send high resolution selfies

  • to potential stalkers.

  • Okay...

  • Come, join the fun.

  • [Answering machine message] You have reached the office of student affairs at Silas University.

  • If you know your party’s extension, please dial it at any time.

  • You have reached Silas Campus Security. If an incident is in progress,

  • please dial 4815 or active the nearest blue tentacle phone.

  • For missing persons, please press 1.

  • To report an escaped entity or poltergeist activity please press— [cell phone rings]

  • Uh... hi, Betty! Yes!

  • Oh, yes, yes!

  • Yeah, I am the girl with the missing roommate. Thank you so much for calling,

  • nobody else seems toWhat?

  • No, I don’t need a new roommate! I already have a roommate.

  • Or, I would if she wasn’t missing. No, you can stop yelling! I’m just— [dial tone]

  • The university doesn’t wanna help find Betty? Fine.

  • I’ve got three weeks of a journalism class and I’ve seen all of Veronica Mars.

  • I’ll find her myself.

  • This is insane

  • There were hundreds of kids at that mixer and nobody saw anything.

  • Like our floor don, Perry.

  • [imitating Perry] Um, I may have seen her dancing across the quad, but I don’t know,

  • things just got so foggy after the alchemy guys released, you know, the fog

  • Or the creeps from Zeta Omega Mu.

  • [imitating a Zeta] Uh, like a hottie in a pink halter?

  • I hit, like, three of those last night, chiquita.

  • Or, anybody really.

  • [imitating anyone] Yeah, but wasn’t she with you?

  • She was.

  • God, why didn’t I keep better track of her? What the hell happened last night?

  • Hey.

  • Um. Excuse me, but who the hell are you?

  • Carmilla.

  • I’m your new roommate, sweetheart.

[on the phone] No, no, what I’m saying is there was a card, but it is wrong.

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