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- It's good to be back.
This is our first show of 2015.
And how are the resolutions going?
Everybody still on your--
[laughter] Good.
I don't see any doughnuts in anybody's hands, so that's--
that's a good sign.
You had a nice holiday and all that stuff?
I'm happy for you.
I--do you want to hear about mine?
audience: Yeah! - Okay.
Okay. I thought maybe you would.
I would love to be able to say I had a great Christmas
and it was peaceful and restful and jolly and all that stuff,
but I would be lying.
It was not.
It involved high winds and high fevers
and packing peanuts.
audience: Aw.
- I dare you to change the channel now.
All right, here's what happened. I'll tell you all about it.
Portia and I decided we were gonna spend the holidays at home
'cause we didn't want to get--
airplanes, to me, that's how you get sick,
so I'm like, "I'm not gonna get on a plane."
So we stayed at home, and, of course, I got sick.
And so we drove up to our house up north--
not too far north.
It's somewhere between, like, Glendale and Santa.
And-- [laughter]
You'll never find me now.
So Christmas Eve, it started to get windy
where we were up north, and-- not too bad.
It was like--you know, you just saw the trees blowing.
[imitates wind whistling]
You could hear it like that.
And--so it was nice.
It was like, "Oh, that's nice. It's windy."
And then the winds kicked up to--
and I'm not just saying this as a number.
It was 70-mile-an-hour winds.
It sounded like a tornado.
It was like... [imitates wind gusting]
Now I've hurt my throat. [laughter]
It was, like, really loud and windy and--
anyway, we go to sleep
just thinking everything's gonna be okay.
Well, during the night at some point,
a big, large, large branch came down
and took out a power line, and the whole neighborhood--
Christmas Day, we wake up,
whole neighborhood out of power.
Merry Christmas, everybody.
And so--well, technically, the tree was on our property,
so it was our fault, you could say,
but Oprah lives in the neighborhood,
so I'm blaming her.
It was Oprah's tree.
And so on Christmas Day, we get up
and tried to make coffee.
No coffee because, you know, no power.
I don't want to brag.
We have the electric coffeemaker.
And so--anyway, so-- and I'm sick.
Did I mention that? I'm sick.
I'm very sick.
And so it's freezing in our house
because the heat doesn't work 'cause there's no electricity,
so I'm wearing a wool cap and a huge, huge jacket.
I look like a Gorton's fisherman.
You know, the-- [laughter]
So there's no electricity, and so there's no TV,
so Portia says, "Let's get the computer out.
Let's watch someone on Netflix."
No internet.
And so we're living like animals at this point.
Portia's licking my face to keep me from passing out, and--
no, but she did-- you know, she said,
"Let's open gifts and we'll feel better.
We'll open gifts."
And so nice, right?
No. Wrong.
I open the gift that she gives me,
and it's a beautiful piece of pottery
that I wanted, that I had seen,
and when I open up the--
they pack it in Styrofoam-m--
Styrofoam p-peanuts, packing peanuts.
I can't say the word without--
I hate Styrofoam.
[laughter] And--
it's not a joke.
The word-- I'm not gonna say it again.
"Packing peanuts" is what I'll call it.
And--'cause I don't say "hate"--
I don't--I don't like to hate anything, but I...
[voice quavering] hate Styrofoam.
And-- [laughter]
And cotton balls. I hate cotton balls.
Those two things I hate.
So anyway, so the packing peanuts were everywhere,
and I was trying to get the pottery out
from the... packing peanuts,
and so that's when the electricity--
not the electricity, but static electricity.
So my entire body is covered with packing peanuts.
[laughter] Covered.
And I would try to get them into the garbage bag
and do that, and then it would be on the next hand,
and then it was just-- literally, it became--
I was covered in this thing that I can't say the name of.
And I'm sure I looked crazy, but I couldn't see
'cause my eyes were covered with packing peanuts.
So the electricity finally comes back on at 4:30,
and I think, "All I want is a hot shower."
I'm still sick, I'm very sick,
and I just want a hot shower.
Sounds nice, right?
Well, you see where this is going.
No hot water. [laughter]
Totally unrelated to the power outage, no hot water.
So to recap: It's Christmas.
I'm dressed like a Gorton's fisherman,
covered in packing peanuts, tears frozen in my eyes.
They wouldn't-- just stuck to the sides.
And I'm sick, I'm dirty, I'm undercaffeinated.
The only good news is, Portia was not sick.
She got sick on New Year's Eve.
So that's a whole nother story.
And I feel bad about the whole power going out and everything,
but the point of the whole story is,
Oprah ruined Christmas.
That's my point.
I'm glad-- I'm feeling better.
Everybody's feeling good.
I hope that you're all healthy and happy.
And let's all start this brand-new year
with a dance.
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Ellen's Holidays

2585 Folder Collection
ziv published on February 4, 2015
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