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[music playing]
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-No!
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[crow caws]
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-I know you're a vampire and you know I'm a slayer.
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[screams]
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-Prepare to die.
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I slayed a vampire.
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[laughing hysterically]
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Run.
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-Don't go now.
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The parties just getting started.
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-We'll meet again.
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-Can't wait.
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[heavy breathing]
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[relieved sigh]
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-Morning, Vlady.
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Hurry up and get dressed.
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We've got slayers to fight.
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[door slams]
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-Did you enjoy the remainder of the Hunt Ball, Master Vlad?
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-Oh, yeah.
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I had a blast.
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The music, the dancing, the attempted slaying of my father.
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-Did Mr.Groucy get out the wrong side of the bed?
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-I know what will cheer you up.
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A nice bit of bubble of squeak.
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[mouse squeaking]
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[laughing]
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-He wants a man, not a mouse.
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He wants to feast on the blood of our enemy.
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Don't you Vlad?
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-Actually I was thinking more of Corn Flakes.
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Look, Dad, about Mr. Van Helsing, we need to talk.
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-Yeah.
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I still can't believe you let a slayer slip through your fangs.
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-For once I agree with Mistress Ingrid.
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You wouldn't have done that 200 years ago.
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-Silence!
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I let him go deliberately.
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I prefer to catch my prey in the wild.
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If only you were 16 and had your formal vampire powers,
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you could fly along with me.
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-Oh, I'm gutted.
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-So Van Helsing [inaudible] is finished with him.
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[laughing]
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-Take me with you.
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I'm nearly 16 and I'll be a vampire way before him.
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-Get help from a girl.
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[laughing]
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We are the men of the house and we can fight our own battles.
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-While I stay home cooking and cleaning, I suppose?
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-Excellent.
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Renfield you're fired.
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-Eat garlic.
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-Renfield, keep up the good work.
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-Oh, thank you.
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-Maybe 600 years ago you could bite your neighbors and battle
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with slayers, but not now, not here.
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This is Stokely.
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They have separate crossings.
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So unless you want us to get chased out of town again,
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I suggest we make friends with the slayers.
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-Friends?
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Vampires and slayers can never be friends.
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We're opposites.
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We're sun and moon, life and death, steak and--
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-Chips?
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Any one?
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Huh?
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-Van Helsing dies tonight.
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-It says here a vampire can not enter a dwelling
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without first being invited in.
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So why all the extra security?
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-Oh, I don't know.
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I just thought it might be a good idea now
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that the Count is trying to kill us.
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-We shouldn't be sitting here waiting to be bitten.
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We should launch a surprise attack on the castle tonight.
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-I thought you said slaying was so
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boring it made gardening look fun.
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-Yeah, well, that's when I thought you were crazy.
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Sorry.
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-That's OK, son.
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When my dad told me he was a vampire slayer,
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I laughed in his face.
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Then he made me wash my mouth out with garlic water.
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-Oh, nice.
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-But he taught me the first rule of slaying--
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protect your family.
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Which is why I'm sending you to live with your mother.
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-What?
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-You'll be safe there. -I don't want to be safe.
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I want to help.
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We're a team now. We're the amazing Van Helsings.
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OK, well that sounds like a circus act.
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Please let me stay.
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-It's all arranged.
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You're booked on a train after school.
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I'm sorry, Jonno.
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Jonathan.
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-Now, all I need is a guinea pig.
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Or a stuffed wolf.
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Zoltan, here boy.
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-If you're addressing me, you boil-infested buffoon.
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May I remind you I'm not a boy and resent
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being ordered about like some simple-minded dog.
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-Fetch.
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[whistles]
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[panting excitedly]
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[wood thuds]
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[thud]
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-I can't sleep.
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You know I haven't been this excited since 1906.
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Remember that can-can dancer from the Moulin Rouge?
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The slayer that tried to stake me with a stiletto shoe.
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She was O positive with just a hint of juniper berries.
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See if we have a bottle left in the cellar.
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-I shall, sir.
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-Renfield, what have you been doing?
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-Setting traps for Van Helsing.
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I've got the whole castle covered.
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He won't get in.
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-You idiot!
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I want him to get in.
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We have nothing to fear from a pathetic slayer like him.
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Throw open the doors and windows, he can't hurt me.
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[sizzling and screaming]
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Not now, you idiot!
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Tonight!
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-Relax.
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Mr. Van Helsing won't slay you at school.
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He'll wait until you're at home alone.
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-Where were you last night when the vampires
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were trying to suck our blood?
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-I was tied up.
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-Oh, I see.
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You had something more important to do than saving my family.
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-No.
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I mean Mr. Van Helsing tied me up.
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By the time I got to the castle you were safely home.
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-Yeah.
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No thanks to you.
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-It won't happen again.
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Promise.
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-Vlad, that's a promise you can't keep.
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I'm sorry but I'm never setting foot in that castle again
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and neither should you, Robin.
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-So we dump our friend just because his dad
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may drain us of blood?
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-Nobody is going to be drained of blood.
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I'm going to find a way for vampires and breather-- sorry,
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people-- to get along.
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No more fighting.
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-Get ready to fight, weirdo.
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-Well you certainly got your work cut out.
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Shut up, weirdo number two.
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-I won't fight you.
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-Good.
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That makes it easy for me.
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[chanting "fight"]
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-Leave them.
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Apparently Vlad can fight his own battles.
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[bell rings]
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-Problems cannot be solved by violence.
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Isn't that right, Mr. Van Helsing?
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-Yes.
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You're right.
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Violence is-- bad.
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-I just want us to be friends.
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-That's the spirit, Vlad.
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-I'm not shaking the hand of a vampire.
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-Vampire?
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-Vlad's a vampire and we're slayers.
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-What is he talking about?
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-I have no idea.
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-Dad!
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-He's been under a lot of stress lately.
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He's going to stay with his mother for a while.
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-This is all your fault, vampire!
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-The u-bend blockage lead to a methane build up in the toilet.
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They tried to get rid of the smell
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by lighting a scented candle.
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Kaboom!
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[laughter]
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Looked like someone had thrown in a poo grenade.
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[laughter]
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-Ian.
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How many times have I told you, I
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won't have sewage at my dinner table.
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-Is Vlad OK?
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-What do you care?
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I thought you weren't his friend anymore.
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-Sensible move, Chloe.
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That family are a right bunch of oddballs.
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-You just don't like anyone who isn't wearing a boiler suit.
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-Ingrid's all right.
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She lets us keep our lunch money some days.
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-Oh, yes.
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She's all heart.
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-I know she can be difficult, but I
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feel sorry for her and Vlad.
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It can't be easy growing up without a mother.
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-Well, I feel sorry for us having
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to be neighbors with them.
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I don't want you going to the castle anymore, do you hear?
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-Sorry, Mom.
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I'm not hungry.
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I'm going to see Vlad.
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-Elizabeth.
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Say something.
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-Oh, give this cherry pie to Mr. Count.
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He was looking a bit peaky last night.
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-And be back by 9 o'clock or else
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you're grounded for a month.
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Eat.
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-Come on, Jonno.
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Let's not part like this.
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-Why did you take me slaying if you
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didn't want me fighting vampires?
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-Because one day I want you to become
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a great slayer, just not today.
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-The sun will set soon, you should get back to the caravan
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while it's still light.
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I'm old enough to see myself on to a train.
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-I'll send for you
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-What's the big emergency?
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Apart from the fact that your room stinks.
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-It'll be dark in a minute and dad
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will fly off to kill Van Helsing.
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-And?
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-We have to stop him.
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-Have you got sun stroke?
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Fighting slayers is one of the perks of being a vampire.
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That and looking great in black.
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-That's old school thinking.
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-So you think dad should hang up his fangs?
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-He's stuck in the past.
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It's about time we made peace with the slayers.
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-There will be no more talk of peace
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between vampires and slayers.
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-The war must end.
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-Slayers will always be our enemy.
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We shall bite them on the beaches.
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We shall bite them in the fields and in the streets.
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We shall bite them in the hills.
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We shall never surrender.
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[wailing]
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-Shut your mouth, Branagh.
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-That is so cool.
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-That is not cool.
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He's going to attack Van Helsing.
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He's locked it.
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[wings flapping]
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-Hello?
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[wings flapping]
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Who's there?
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[wings flapping]
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[wings flapping]
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You don't scare me, Dracula.
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I'm not afraid of vampires.
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-Boo.
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-Ah!
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-If I don't get back by 9, I'll be grounded for a month.
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-Robin, my dad is going to kill our woodwork teacher.
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-Point taken.
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I'll see you at the bottom, hopefully in one piece.
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-What's that?
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-A skeleton key.
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-You know, you really are evil.
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-Come on.
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-Dad!
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[wings flapping]
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[dracula laughing]
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[dracula grunting]
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Dad, where are you?
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[door rattles]
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DRACULA: The wolf knocked on the door.
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-And said, little pig, little pig, please let me in.
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[dracula laughing]
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No, no, said the little pig.
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Not by the hair on my chinny chin chin.
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I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in.
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-You forget.
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The little pig kills the wolf in the end.
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So come on in if you're feeling lucky.
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-So nice of you to invite me in.
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-Vlad!
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Vlad!
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Vlad?
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-We have to do something.
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If dad kills Van Helsing, our whole future
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is at stake-- in a non-pointy wood kind of way.
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-Did someone mention my name?
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-You're not dead.
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-Not last time I checked.
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-Pity.
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-Now, where's your father?
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-He's gone to Spain to top up his tan.
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You'll know when he's back because you'll
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two holes in your neck.
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[exclaiming]
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-Caught in your own trap.
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How ironic.
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-Mr. Van Helsing, wait.
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We don't have to keep fighting.
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Let's try living together in peace.
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No slaying.
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No biting.
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-A truce?
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-What do you think?
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[gasps in pain]
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-Can't you do anything right?
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You useless bag of bones.
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-You were just distracting me.
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You're as devious as your father.
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-You've got it all wrong.
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I was just trying to help.
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-Oh, you can help me all right.
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-Tell your master to give himself up
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if he wants to see his kids again.
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-Dad, Robin is not back from the castle and it's gone 9:00.
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-That boys gone from bad to worse.
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-Stop fretting.
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I'm sure Mr. Count will send him home soon.
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Chloe, bed.
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-Well, if he doesn't you can always
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go up and give him some more of your cherry pie.
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-Vlad?
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-Ah, Robin.
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I believe you know my next victim.
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-Help me.
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-Oh, so now you want help from weirdo number two.
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-Please.
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-You know, kidnapping is kind of illegal.
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-Give Van Helsing a message.
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Tell him to give himself up if he
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ever wants to see his son again.
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-OK.
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But while I'm gone, no biting.
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-I thought I told you to take down all your stupid traps.
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You're supposed to be babysitting,
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not hanging around like a fool.
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[thud]
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Now go and get Vlad and Ingrid.
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I want to show them my catch.
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-Well, you see the thing is, sire.
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They've gone out.
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They said don't wait up because they'll be home late.
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-Aw, young hell raisers.
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Going somewhere?
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-What a dump.
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You should really cut back on your garlic bills
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and spend some money on a house.
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-You think because you live in a castle you're better than me?
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-No.
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I'm better than you because I'm a vampire.
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-Vampires, slayers, what's the difference?
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I say we all stop fighting and become one big happy family.
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-What are you two doing here?
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-Having a singalong.
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What does it look like?
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[quiet laughing]
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-You think this is funny?
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-Well sort of.
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You and the Count have kidnapped each other's kids.
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-Don't try and bluff me.
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Jonno is at his moms probably unpacking
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his suitcase as we speak.
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-Do you mean that one?
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-You're fighting on the wrong side, Jonathan.
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100 years from now I will still be standing here
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and you will be the dust under my feet.
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-100 years?
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How will you cope with the boredom?
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You haven't even got broadband.
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Immortality is a gift and a curse.
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I am the flame that burns forever, never to go out.
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-Dad.
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-Renfield.
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-Yes, my most wonderful lordship.
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-Tell Van Helsing I would like my offspring back.
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-But as I told you, my master.
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Vlad and Ingrid are safe and well.
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They just popped to the--
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-I will deal with you later.
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It seems we've reached a stalemate.
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Or perhaps not.
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-Oh, nice move.
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What?
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-Very well.
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Let Vladmir go and I'll give myself up.
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-Uh, what about me?
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-Oh, yes.
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I suppose you'd better let her go too.
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-Don't do it, dad.
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He'll slay you.
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-No, I won't.
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I'll interrogate him first, then I'll slay him.
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-This is the price of peace, Vlad.
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-If you try to escape, this vile will
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break, releasing the deadly garlic juice.
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-Hmm, ingenious.
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Oh, and don't fix me any dinner.
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I'll be eating out.
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-Well this is a total disaster.
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-What are we going to do?
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-I say we finish the slayers once and for all.
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-How are we supposed to fight Mr. Van Helsing
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when he's so much bigger than us?
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-I've got a plan.
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-Well I do like your caravan.
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It's like a large coffin on wheels.
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-Sit.
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-Isn't it customary for the condemned man
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to choose his final meal?
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-You're not a man, you're a menace
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feeding off the weak and the--
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---honorable and spreading my evil curse across the land,
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blah, blah, blah.
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I've heard it all before.
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-Well, you won't be hearing it again.
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You're going to give me the names and locations
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of every vampire that you know.
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Jonno, step outside.
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-But dad!
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-You can't send him outside.
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He'll miss all the fun.
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-Now, Jonno.
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We're moving?
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They're towing us away.
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-What do we do now?
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-Die!
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-Go left!
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-Go right!
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-Go faster!
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[ingrid grunts angrily]
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-The stake, Jonno!
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Grab the stake!
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-Got it!
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-Hungry?
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Me too.
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-I told you I should drive.
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-You don't know how to drive.
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-Well, that makes two of us then.
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[sneeze]
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---did something stupid.
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It was his fault.
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-Oh, no.
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-Right.
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That's it.
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I'm going to get Robin and I'm going
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to give Mr. Count a piece of my mind.
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-OK.
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So we get back.
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Then what do we do?
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-I don't know.
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-What do mean you don't know?
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-This is your plan.
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-I'm sure I'll come up with something.
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Renfield, drive.
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-Dad!
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-Not now, Jonathan.
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I'm kind of busy.
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-The hearse is gone.
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-Something tells me this isn't going to end well.
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-Shame and we were having such fun.
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Au Revoir, mes amis.
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-Dad, I need to wee.
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[splash]
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-Well, where is it?
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-I didn't want to upset you.
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-Upset us?
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Why would we be upset that our dad is freewheeling
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around Stokely with a couple of slayers.
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-And what a lot it was, too.
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-Dad?
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[heavy sigh]
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-You know, son.
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I think slaying the count is going
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to be harder than we thought.
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[laughing]
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-Dad, about the Van Helsings.
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-It was fantastic!
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-And just who do you think you are
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keeping my son out at all hours?
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You may let your children run wild,
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but that is not the Branagh way.
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-Please accept my most humble apologies.
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Robin was assisting us in a family emergency.
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-He was?
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-You've raised a very caring and considerate son.
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-He has?
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-Oh, well, that's very kind of you to say so.
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Come on, Robin.
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Let's get home.
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My knees are freezing.
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-Oh, and please thank Elizabeth for about delicious cherry pie.
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What?
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I can't be nice to breathers once in awhile?
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-I'm a breather.
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Ow!
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Ow!
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That's not nice.
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-And neither is letting my children
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be captured by my sworn enemy.
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-So what did you do to the Van Helsings.
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-You butchered them, right?
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-Unfortunately not.
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-I guess we can't be friends with the slayers.
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Sorry, dad.
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-Defeating them may be harder than I thought,
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it's going to be a lot of fun.
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[music playing]
