Name: How I Mastered DETACHMENT & Went From Anxious To Secure In 10 Steps
Uploaded: 2026-03-31T08:26:32.000Z
Duration: 21 min 2 s
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The superlative

I think the best way to find detachment and find not self-love, because that's such a broad spectrum idea,

but to find self-acceptance and to find self-confidence,

To-infinitive

and just to detach from that really anxiously attached lifestyle, is to let go of the person whose love you're trying to win.

It's daddy issues, it's mommy issues, it's some kind of issues.

and I think the biggest, most pivotal thing, was trying to let go of my father liking me.

Growing up as a kid, you want your father to like you, you want your parents to like you.

And that wound of wanting to please people, wanting to get people's approval, wanting to have affirmation from people and confirmation from people, comes from the fact that, say, your father, in my case, didn't see you, didn't witness you.

I'm not saying he's a bad person, I'm sure he has his reasons,

When my parents split, he wasn't interested.

People in Eastern Europe did at the time, so he might be a person who wouldn't act that way now, but

And as a child, that computed to me that I have to win some kind of man's affection,

and that's not I literally didn't think of it that way.

I didn't think, "I've got to win some man's affection," but I thought, "I've got to win someone's approval, someone's affection, someone's attention,

and it has to be a person who, I guess, isn't interested in me intrinsically, just like my dad wasn't." And then, once I win their approval, they'll see me and I will have won.

I will have won the approval of that person who didn't see me.

And that's not literally how you think of it,

but that is how you try and soothe yourself and your brain.

Like, if your father was a raging alcoholic, you'll try and subdue some kind of alcoholic.

If your mother was too busy at work, you might find someone who was a workaholic and do the same thing.

You will try and win love from the type of person who didn't see you.

I think I got to my 30s until do you know what healed this thing for me?

Having my own child and seeing my partner father my child in a way that exceeds expectation in terms of commitment, love, and

his presence really took a turn where and this is the pivotal part.

I no longer want his approval or affection or attention, honestly, literally.

I feel like when they talk about first life, second life, in Buddhism, like reincarnation, I feel I've now reincarnated into a different modality, a different person.

So if my father was to come and be like, "Let's have a relationship," I literally wouldn't be mad,

And I think that pivotal point and I don't know how you personally can let go of that person you are trying to seek approval from,

but that is the pivotal step in letting go of anxious attachment and detaching and being present in your own journey.

Because once you cut the tie from that person you're trying to impress, you're going to cut the tie from the myriads of people who you kind of think emulate them,

and you're going to actually be attracted to people who are secure and people who are incredible for you as opposed to trying to emulate that relationship.

The second thing that helped me become more detached, empowered, is I realized that I don't want to nor can I control people.

And this is such a really interesting thing to think about because, essentially, when you're not detached and you're attached to outcomes,

and you're anxiously attached, your modality of your brain thinks that if I can control this situation and if I can control the outcomes of what's happening here, I will be safe.

Number one, I realized you can't control other people.

But number two, and most importantly, is nor do I want to.

I don't want to have the job of controlling wild, random, strange people who are in my life in order for them not to hurt me or for them to cause me to be triggered and anxious.

I don't want to be the metaphoric pooper scooper of people who are otherwise not competent,

and I'm there trying to make them be okay in life and control them because that control is so stressful and so tiring and so exhausting.

My role is to be myself and their role is to be themselves.

And if they do not want to be with me, for example, as you're saying your example, they don't see me, they've ghosted me, I don't know, whatever's happening with you, let it be.

It's not your job to guard them, to control them, to guide them in the right direction.

Number three is I realized I don't want to be loved for my performance.

I don't want to be loved and seen for what I can do for somebody or who I appear to be in their life because that anxious attachment and lack of detachment denotes that if I'm pretty enough, if I'm skinny enough, if I'm curvy enough, if I'm long-haired enough, if I'm whatever enough, if I'm smart enough, if I know enough people, if I do that thing and the other thing, you will then love me.

If I'm popular and famous enough, if I'm this one and that one enough, you will then see me.

If they see you for all these performances that you can put on, and

at the end of the day, God, whoever, genie, Allah, whoever you believe in, comes down and says, "All right, they now like you,

but they like you for all these attributes that you have decided to gain, your beauty, your money, whatever.

Do you want them to love you for that?" And that's the only thing they love you for?

And I realized that if I jump through hoops for people and if I try and perform and if I try and be someone I'm not, I'm going to be loved for something that I'm not.

Number four, I realized that changing who I am for somebody is not the key to long-term love.

A lack of detachment and an anxious attachment is a fear that people are going to leave you, I suppose, right?

Or that you're disposable or the fact that you need those people.

If you can't detach from people or ideas, is that you need them in order to complete you and be yourself.

I realized that having that connection to that person and not being detached from them and being so anxiously attached is not the key to long-term love.

The key to long-term love is genuine affection and attraction to one another and respect.

So if you're there hustling trying to make this person like you and I know a lot of you are in situations where this person doesn't even see you.

I get messages from you where it's reels and reams of these people's messages where they're disrespecting you and ignoring you.

What is the outcome you're trying to have?

Are you trying to negotiate with them, win them, pivot them into liking you?

Do you really think that that is the solution for the long-term love and you're afraid that somebody might leave?

Is this the person, this guy Jake over here, who can't even return your phone call and is so flaky and isn't even sure about you?

You think that's the guy who's going to heal that for you?

Number five is the key is not control, it's connection.

I think a lot of the lack of detachment and a lot of anxious attachment is about thinking that you can control someone because intrinsically, somewhere in your life, you didn't feel loved enough.

Somewhere in your life, you didn't feel seen enough,

and therefore, your cure to that problem isn't to meet somebody who's going to genuinely like you back.

Your cure for that is to find someone, trick them, coax them, do whatever it is that you want to do, the performance that you want to have, into making them like you.

The key is finding that person who you genuinely connect to,

and then you can throw your hands up and go, "Do you know what?

Even if I'm with this person for 10 years, it will be the best 10 years ever,

and then if it goes wrong, it goes wrong.

We don't know what life holds." Things can happen that are unforeseen, even not things like them leaving you, but

So it's just about enjoying the moment with a genuine connection, not one you've coaxed out of somebody.

Number six, morbid, but here is how I think.

I realized that if I'm born alone and I die alone, then it is my duty to do the best for myself.