Name: Trump’s Lack of Iran Plans, Kristi Noem Gets the Axe: Late Night News of the Week
Uploaded: 2026-03-09T21:32:23.000Z
Duration: 14 min 25 s
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And now, if you don't mind, let's get to the news.

The US Launched joint military strikes with Israel against Iran over the weekend in Operation Epic Fury.

Is it a missile strike or a new Mountain Dew?

Folks, this was even more successful than Operation Baja Blast.

The White House released a photo over the weekend of President Trump overseeing military strikes on Iran from a secure room at Mar a Lago.

I had a more secure room when I was trying on jeans at Old Navy.

The White House released a photo of President Trump overseeing military strikes on Iran from Mar a Lago.

Yeah, I probably could have guessed you were in Florida.

You look like you were drunk in a Jacuzzi and they pulled you out to take this picture.

Trump was overseeing military strikes on Iran from Mar a Lago.

You started a war in the Middle east and you didn't even go into the office?

How am I gonna get my writers to come into work when the President of the United States treats war like a teams meeting?

President Trump spoke on the phone last night with the New York Times for roughly six minutes, but

no matter what he said, they refused to tell him the wordle.

President Trump reportedly told FBI Director Cash Patel that he was disappointed with Patel's behavior at the Milan Cortina Winter Olympics.

Though if I know Trump, he was mostly upset that Cash was in the men's locker room.

Paramount Skydance said today that it plans to merge its Paramount streaming service with HBO Max.

Just when your parents finally figured out how to watch Yellowstone.

Burger King has announced it will install a new AI chatbot into employee headsets to monitor customer interactions and make sure they use specific phrases like please.

Thank you and welcome back, Mr. President.

A metal detectorist in Wales recently found two lead ingots that are believed to date back to the Roman era.

While the detectorist doesn't date at all.

In post, can we put in the sound of, like, somebody hitting.

And finally, in honor of the expansion of its D subway line, the Los Angeles metro last week offered new T shirts that read ride the D.

They're hoping it sells better than the MTA shirt that reads I got f ed.

In a new interview, President Trump said that the military is knocking the crap out of Iran, but

added, quote, we haven't even started hitting them hard.

The Commander in Chief is supposed to be able to keep military secrets.

He's so excited to bomb people, he can't help himself.

I wouldn't want to be in eastern Tehran at 3am tomorrow, I can tell you that much.

It honestly feels like he would have told us by now.

During a Medal of Honor ceremony yesterday at the White House, President Trump began talking about the curtains and said, quote, I picked those drapes in my first term.

That's like Santa mentioning he always liked Christmas.

You guys will never guess my favorite holiday.

During the same ceremony, President Trump also said that he's tried to get a Medal of Honor for himself, but

added that he was told it would, quote, be bad protocol.

I just want you to consider how many things he's admitting here.

He's admitting he tried to give himself a Medal of Honor.

he's admitting he had to be told it's a bad look.

It's one thing you have a puppy that has to be told not to piss in the house.

This is like a 16 year old dog that still has to be told not to piss in the house.

The White House released a video on Friday of administration officials sharing their favorite memories with President Trump.

And Marco Rubio said that time he got my name right.

During a visit on Friday to a Texas Whataburger location, President Trump spoke to a crowd of customers and said he hopes they do not drink alcohol.

They're dining in at Whataburger on a Friday night.

The indoor water park chain Great Wolf Lodge this week will offer a limited edition milkshake that blends vanilla ice cream and ranch dressing.

And after one of those, you become the water slide.

What I like is the tail of that joke felt like you were going down a water slide.

The pizza chain Papa John's has announced that it will close 300 underperforming restaurants.

But how do you tell which ones are underperforming when they're all selling Papa John's.

Times Square performer the Naked cowboy has reportedly divorced his wife and fellow performer, the naked cowgirl.

But there's been cracks in the relationship for a while.

According to a new book, the Conclave that elected Pope Leo last year was interrupted after Vatican security officials detected an active mobile connection and an older cardinal discovered he had a phone in his pocket because you just know that flashlight was on.

And finally, Disney World's Rock N Roller Coaster starring Aerosmith shut down over the weekend so it can be reopened as the Rock N Roller Coaster starring the Muppets.

And the good news is they didn't have to change it very much.

When asked during an Oval Office meeting yesterday if he had any top picks to take over the Iranian government, President Trump said, quote, well, most of the people we had in mind are dead.

According to a new report, President Trump exposed a CIA surveillance operation on the late Iranian Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei eight months ago in a post on Truth Social.

So if you're wondering how Truth Social is doing, it took eight months for someone to notice.

The son of the late Ayatollah Khamenei has reportedly emerged as a frontrunner to replace his father as supreme leader.

Man, can you imagine going through all of this to get rid of an evil leader and you just end up with his son?

President Trump reposted a picture yesterday of himself wearing sunglasses with the caption, quote, I stand with Trump, the most badass president of all time.

I don't know, when you're like 30, you look badass in sunglasses.

When you're 79, people just try to help you cross the street.

That's Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth pushed back this week on comparisons of the military operation against Iran to previous US Conflicts in the Middle east and said, quote, this is not Iraq.

To put it in Hegseth terms, it's just a bender.

President Trump said in a post this week on Truth Social that the US Has a virtually unlimited munitions stockpile and added wars can be fought forever, or to put it in Hegseth terms, a bender.

A picture has gained attention online this week that shows President Trump with a red rash on his neck.