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  • How to Pretend Youre a Real New Yorker. There’s nothing wrong with being a tourist

  • in New York City. But if you want to blend in, here’s what you need to know. You will

  • need A copy of The New York Times A copy of the New York Post A quick stride Black clothes

  • A cell phone and an outsized ego. Step 1. Start the day by scanning The New York Times

  • and reading the gossipy Page Six of the New York Post. Forget USA TodayNew Yorkers

  • only read that as a last resort. Step 2. Ditch the mapit’s a dead giveaway! Get the

  • general lay of the land before you leave your hotel, then only take the map out when you

  • can study it surreptitiouslylike in a bathroom. Step 3. Speaking of bathrooms, there

  • are hardly any public restrooms in New York, so take advantage ofsemi-publicbathrooms

  • in department stores, museums, cafes, and restaurants. Step 4. Be provincial. If anyone

  • mentions anyplace in the country other than Los Angeles, Miami, and Chicago, ignore them.

  • Pretend to know everything there is to know about New York City. Make sure to reminisce

  • about the good old days when Time Square was riddled with crime and porno shops. Step 5.

  • Never drive a car in the city. Take the subway, a bus, or a cabor better yet, walk. Step

  • 6. Walk as fast as you can at all times, even if youre not in a hurry. Never stand on

  • the curb waiting for a light. Step off and edge your way into the street until you can

  • cross. Step 7. Know how to give a cabbie directions: New Yorkers never give an exact, number address.

  • They give the street and the cross streets that border the block, like “50th between

  • 5th and Madison!” H-o-u-s-t-o-n Street is pronouncedHow-stun,” notHyoo-stun.”

  • Step 8. Wear a lot of black, especially if youre a woman. It doesn’t matter if Manhattan

  • women are going to work, to a nightclub, or to a two-year-old’s birthday partyit’s

  • always better in black, and it’s always better to err on the side of dressy rather

  • than casual. If you must buy a souvenir “I Heart New York” t-shirt, for goodness sake,

  • leave it in the bag. Don’t wear it until youre home. Step 9. Eat from the street.

  • No, not dumpstersstreet vendors! Yeah, it’s a little scary, but it’s also cheap,

  • convenient, and surprisingly good. And we can’t remember the last person who died

  • from it. New York City honors its food vendors with the annual Vendy Awards. Research who

  • won most recently and hit up their cart. Step 10. Eat in restaurants after 8 p.m. – before

  • that, theyre either empty orhorror of horrorspatronized by families with small

  • children. Play it safe; have dinner at 9 and drinks at 11. Step 11. Always be on your cell

  • phone or checking your Blackberry. Is it rude? Yes. Is it the norm in New York City? Yes.

  • Step 12. Come back soon! Youre not nearly as annoying now as you were when you arrived.

  • Did you know Two-thirds of New Yorkers polled said that the holidays are the best time to

  • visit New York City.

How to Pretend Youre a Real New Yorker. There’s nothing wrong with being a tourist

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