Name: The Trick to End Any Argument in Seconds - Joe Hudson
Uploaded: 2026-02-06T10:27:12.000Z
Duration: 8 min 57 s
Description: Thousands of YouTube videos with English-Chinese subtitles! Now you can learn to understand native speakers, expand your vocabulary, and improve your pronunciation...

Every relationship fight boils down to three things.

To-infinitive

Shift any one of those, and the fight will shift too.

So the way I see most fights is I have a theory called the shame hot potato, which is basically, I don't feel good about myself, so I'm going to throw shame at you.

And now I don't feel good about myself, so I'm going to throw shame at you.

And then we're just, like, passing the shame back and forth.

This person feels like they're always defending themselves.

But this defense feels like an attack to this person, and

this defense feels like an attack to this person.

I am ashamed that I can't keep up with the housework and that I'm keeping score.

I feel like you attacked me for not doing the dishes.

And back and forth, it just goes like that.

And so this person's response is, well, I work all day, and

And so every single one of those things that you said there, that you read, there are an expression of that cycle that's going on.

I really see that you need more help in the house, and

you feel overwhelmed, and I don't want you to feel overwhelmed.

So every single thing is just basically unlocking that shame hot potato that's going, which is basically people feeling unloved for who they are and not being able to love themselves for who they are.

It's like, if you're trying to change somebody, you're not loving them.

You're basically saying, you need to be different to get my love.

And that usually typically means for yourself, if you're trying to change somebody is that you're trying to also.

There's also some part of yourself that you're not loving.

Early in the relationship, Tara was very big, and I would get embarrassed.

It was about me Trying to be seen as normal, being fit in everywhere, not stand out.

So that part of her that I'm changing is like the part of me wanting attention that I wasn't allowing myself to feel or have.

My mom actually had this on needlepoint in the wall.

I don't know, like she needle pointed this phrase.

It's just something that happened with American moms in the 70s apparently.

And it said, trying to move a mountain or change a man.

It just hurts a relationship because the person will resist.

Yeah, people don't respond well to being told you need to change.

And yet we do it to ourselves all the time.

Like all those things are the things that you can look back on a decade and haven't changed.

The more we're forcing ourselves to change, the less that change happens.

Where does change come from if not from motivating ourselves?

The same place it comes from when a little kid goes from crawling to walking.

It's like being able to listen to and fully feel the want that is in our world.

Wants are far more efficient fuel than shoulds.

Shame and shoulds are like, they're meant to stop behaviors and we use them to motivate ourselves, but

Whereas wants and desire and natural motivation that just burns.

That's a more efficient fuel than I should play golf every day.

Like, how many artists do you know who have done this?

They're loving their art, they're doing great.

They get a job, they start having to do their art.

And then their love for their art goes away.

Like, right, Anything that you tell yourself you should do, the love of it just starts going away.

Because there are things that the difference between knowing this is the next area for growth and progress that I could put myself into.