Please welcome to speak to us

the funniest man on Earth

A performer of legendary comic genius.

a children's book author of profound depth

an individual of enormous compassion

who is doing so much to make our world a better place

the great Jim Carrey

*applause*

Thank you

*applause*

What are you sittin down for?

I was gonna milk that for a while

You guys can stretch that out in post production right? To make that longer in the edit.

Thank you Bevan

Thank you all

Jai Guru Dev

*applause*

I brought one of my paintings show you today

Hope you guys gonna be able to see it okay

*laughter*

It's not one of my bigger pieces so you might wanna move down front

Get a good look at it.

Faculty

Parents, Friends, Dignified guests

Graduating class of 2014

*applause*

And all the dead baseball players coming out in the corn to be with us today.

*Laugher and applause*

after the harvest there's no place for them too hide

fields are empty

there's no cover there

*laughter*

I'm here to plant a seed today

a seed that will inspire you to move forward in life

with enthusiastic hearts and a clear sense of wholeness

the question is will that seed have a chance to take root

or will I be sued by Monsanto.

*laughter*

And forced to use their seed

*applause*

Which may not be

Totally Ayurvedic

*laughter*

excuse me if I seem

a little bit low energy tonight

Today

Whatever this is

*laughter*

I slept with my head to the north last night

*laughter*

Huh huh Oh man

Oh man

You know how that is right kids?

*laughter*

Yeah

Woke up right in the middle of PITA

couldn't get back to sleep till VATA rolled around

Crazy

*applause*

Wooo!

*Jim Carrey noises*

But I didn't freak out ya know.

I use that time

to eat a large meal

*laughter*

Connect with someone special on Tinder

*laughter*

Because life doesn't happen to you

It happens for you

How do I know this?

I don't but I'm making sound and that's the important thing

That's what I'm here to do

Sometimes I think that's the only thing that's important really

You know, it's just letting each other know we're here

reminding each other that we're part of a larger self

I used to think Jim Carrey is all that I was

Just a flickering light. A danceing shadow

The great nothing masquerading as something you can name

*laughter*

Seeking shelter in caves and fox holes

Dug out hastily

An archer searching for his target in the mirror

Wounded only by my own arrows

Begging to be enslaved

pleading for my chains

Blinded by longing

And tripping over paradise

*applause*

CAN I GET AN AMEN?

*amen*

*applause*

You didn't think I could be serious did ya?

I don't think you understand who you're dealing with

*laughter*

I have no limits

*laughter*

*applause*

I cannot be contained because I'm the container

*applause*

You can't contain the container man!

You can't contain the container.

I used to believe that who I was

ended at the edge my skin

that I had been given this little vehicle called a body

from which to experience creation

Though I couldn't have asked for a sportier model

*laughter*

It was after all a loaner

and would have to be returned

*laughter*

then I learned that everything outside the vehicle was part of me too

and now I Drive a convertible

*laughter*

*applause*

Yeah man

Top down

wind in my hair

*applause*

Woohoo!

I am elated

and truly truly truly excited to be present and fully connected

to you at this important moment in your journey

I hope you're ready to open the roof

and take it all in

*silence*

Okay four more years then

*laughter*

they're obviously not ready

sneezesumorecuttin

Nah uh,

I want to thank the Trustee's

the Administrators, the Faculty of M.U.M.

for creating an institution worthy Maharishi's

ideals of education

A place that teaches knowledge and experience

The knowledge and experience necessary to be productive in life

as well as enabling the students through Transcendental Meditation

and ancient Vedic knowledge

To slack off twice a day for an hour and a half

*applause*

Don't think you're fooling me

but I guess it has some benefits

It does allow you to separate who you truly are

and what's real

from the stories that run through your head

you have given that them

the ability to walk behind the minds elaborate set decoration

and to see that there's a huge difference between a dog that is going

to eat you

in your mind. And an actual dog that is going to eat you

*laughter*

That may sound like no big deal but many never learned that distinction

*laughter*

And they spend a great deal of their lives living in fight or flight response

I'd like to acknowledge all of you wonderful parents

Way to go

*applause*

What a fantastic job

You've done

*applause*

For your tireless dedication. Your love. Your support.

most of all for the attention the you pay to your children

I have a saying "beware the unloved because they will eventually hurt themselves

or me"

*laughter*

But when I look at this group here

you know I feel really safe

*laughter*

I do

*applause*

I'm just gonna say it

My room is not locked

My room is not locked

No doubt some of you will turn out to be crooks

*laughter*

But white collar stuff ya know

Wall Street that type of thing

You know