RENFIELD: Master, no!

N-n-n-- sorry, Master!

-How many times have I told you, Renfield?

You feed me one more cup of tomato juice

and I will throw it in your face.

-Master, I--

-I don't want excuses!

I want fresh blood.

-I am sorry, Master, but the paper boy got wise to my traps.

-Dad, you promised to be careful.

Do I need to spell it out for you?

M-O-B.

-I am Count Dracula, not Spell Dracula.

-M-O-B spells angry peasant mob howling for your dust.

-I know that, but I'm bored.

Vladey, tomorrow you shall stay home from school

and entertain me.

Invite your village friends over.

We'll play murder in the dark.

-For the last time, no.

If you need entertaining, get a TV.

-You want me to stare at a glass box all day?

I'd rather be dead-- and I am.

And I love it.

No television and that's final.

-If we get to do evil stuff, I'll stay home with you.

-Well, it's settled.

I shall buy a television.

You, go barter with the peasants for their finest television.

And you, clear up this mess.

-Why can't Vlad do it?

It's because he's a boy, isn't it?

-No.

It's because he's my son.

He's my future, my hopes, my dreams.

He is--

-Going round to Robin's.

-Then I'm going, too, and you can't stop me.

-Fine.

Fine!

Just remember to polish my coffin when you get home.

-I can't believe you talked me into another vampire stake-out.

-We're slayers.

It's our duty to fight the forces of darkness--

-Shh!

They're coming out.

SLAYER: Off to commit evil deeds, no doubt.

-Or maybe they're just going to hang out with mates.

-What a great idea.

-Oh, no.

-You're in Vlad's class.

You must befriend him, gain his trust.

One day, the mask will slip and then

it's out with the garlic and stakes.

-You want me to invite him around for dinner?

-Sometimes, I think your heart just

isn't in the slaying business.

-O-of course it is, dad.

It's just that, well, what if I was

to try and get close to Ingrid, instead?

-I knew you were a chip off the old stake.

-Hey, Robin, do you want to smell my flower?

-Do I look stupid?

-Just play along.

We're trying to win "You've Been Shamed."

You could be on telly.

-Great.

I'm gagging to embarrass myself in front of my friends.

-How many times?

You haven't got any friends.

-Robin?

Your friends are here.

-Ingrid!

Knew you couldn't keep away.

-Ignore the freak.

we're going to make you a star.

-What do you mean "make"?

-You know the TV show "You've Been Shamed?"

-No.

-Uh, well, people make funny movies and send them in.

-The top prize is 1,000 pound.

-And we're going to win it with you as our leading lady.

-Have either of you two clowns ever made a movie before?

-We've been creating movies for years.

-Yeah?

-They mean they filmed our family holidays

on dad's crapped out old camcorder.

-Cinematic masterpieces.

-10 years of Branaugh holidays.

Merthyr Tydfil, [inaudible], oh, I forgot about this one.

Transylvania.

What?

-1994, holiday in Bistritz, Transylvania.

-That's just a few miles from our old castle.

-I don't remember going to Transylvania.

-Ah, it was years ago.

-Put it on.

Put it on.

CHILD (ON VIDEO): Dad said I could play with this, not you!

CHILD 2 (ON VIDEO): Yes, I can! [inaudible]

FATHER (ON VIDEO): Silly lads, it's not a toy.

CHILD 2 (ON VIDEO): Give me the camera, back, smelly--

MOTHER (ON VIDEO): Come on, boys, don't fight.

INGRID: Spielberg must be panicking so much right now.

-I can't believe I'd been to Transylvania and never knew.

You're so lucky to have lived there.

I'd give anything to switch lives with you.

That's it.

VLAD: What?

-You don't fit in to your family.

I don't fit in to mine.

I was in your village with I was a baby.

What if me and you were like accidentally swapped around?

-Look, I know you think you don't fit in,

but that's just because you're individual,

not because you're a vam-- a Vlad.

-It would explain a lot, though.

-Well, I'm convinced.

-When you moving out?

-Master, why don't you let me entertain you?

-Because I don't think I could survive yet

another hour of your Transylvanian twist.

-Hmm, are you sure?

Huh?

I've made a new sparkly leotard.

-Now, let's see what mindless trash

passes for entertainment these days.

Up a bit.

Left a bit.

Just right.

-Master, I think you should know that I am in agonizing pain.

-Perfect.

Hold it there.

-Fantastic.

You got the TV.

We're finally normal.

-No son of mine is normal.

Vlad, you're banned from watching this thing.

It'll turn you int a weak-willed, sheep-like native.

Ingrid, you can watch it if you like.

-I hope you get hooked on that breather box.

-It'll have no effect on me.

I am incorruptible.

Watch this.

Boring, boring, boring.

Hmm.

VLAD: Morning, dad.

Dad?

Good old blood-free toast, the perfect breakfast.

-Has he been watching TV all night?

-Looks like it.

OK, dad, I'm off to school.

Bye, dad.

Bye, Vlad.

See ya.

-I thought you were incorruptible.

-Shh!

Quiet.

Sheila is about to find out if Edna is really her daughter.

-Well doesn't she know?

-Of course not, you foolish girl.

She has amnesia.

DOCTOR (ON TV): Here are the results

of your DNA test, Mrs. Scott.

I'm sorry to tell you Edna is not your daughter.

-[gasp]

DOCTOR (ON TV): However, I am your son!

-Oh.

-Oh!

-Well, I didn't see that one coming.

-Of course not, because it's really far-fetched and stupid.

-Oh just go to school, Ingrid!

-I don't believe this.

You love that TV more than your children.

-Of course I don't.

I just love TV more than my daughter.

-[sigh]

-Have you eaten plenty